Barbara Roberts ♦ 24th November 2019 ♦ 16 Comments
Don’t get too excited if a church apologises to abuse victims and runs an ‘awareness program’ about abuse. This post is a head’s up to those who might be getting hopeful about the churches that are running ‘abuse awareness programs’ these days. It is a re-working of an old post of mine. First I’m going …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 1st July 2019 ♦ 10 Comments
The Church Cares video curriculum produced by the SBC has said something rather stunning about divorce. Near the end of lesson 10, “Pastoral Care and Correction for an Abuser,” Brad Hambrick says: “We do not view prolonged separation or divorce as worse than refusing to change abusive behaviours.” That is good news. But there’s something …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 9th June 2019 ♦ 68 Comments
If you have ever felt suicidal, dear reader, what strategies have you used to avoid ending your life? Maybe by sharing our experiences we can help others. Helovesme said: I tried to kill myself because I had been abused for so long, and I couldn’t take it anymore. The Lord used it to get a …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 3rd June 2019 ♦ 2 Comments
Approximately 60% of domestic violence victims stay in abusive relationships because they don’t want to leave their pet behind. 15% return to violent homes because of fear for their animals. Head trauma is one of the most common non-accidental injuries for pets in domestic violence. Dogs are the most common type of animal to be …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 22nd May 2019 ♦ 15 Comments
Rachael suffered sexual abuse as a child, from two male perpetrators. One was a church leader, the other was Dr Larry Nassar who is now in jail for abusing multiple girls in his role as doctor for high level gymnasts. Rachael’s husband, Jacob, is not a survivor of sexual abuse. Rachael and Jacob describe how …
Guest ♦ 3rd May 2019 ♦ 9 Comments
[Trigger warning] From the taste of blood in her mouth to feeling powerless and unable to talk, sexual assault survivor Juliet dreaded annual visits to the dentist. Everything brought back the trauma of the sexual abuse she’d endured from a male relative from the age of three to 14. She would “white knuckle” the dental …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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