Barbara Roberts ♦ 21st July 2019 ♦ 33 Comments
Fake apologies employ self-justification. They appease just enough to quell resistance. They excuse the abusers and condemn the victims. Real apologies involve surrender, confession, recognition and empathy. What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better by Wade Mullen. Too often the words “We are sorry” are casually offered and …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 11th July 2019 ♦ 28 Comments
Your platitudes are proverbs of ashes (Job 13:12a) Domestic abuse victims frequently find themselves misunderstood by those from whom they seek support. Such interchanges can be extremely distressing for victims — they feel at a loss as to how to respond to the attitude of the supporter. Frequently supporters don’t mean to hurt; it happens …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 6th July 2019
God doesn’t use the hurting, the victim, the crushed, as bait. God doesn’t use the “trash fish” of society to reach a “trophy.” Jesus sees value and worth where others see none. God sees. God reaches. God searches. God stops. So you see, church leaders, we are not your chum. […continue reading Julie Cleaveland’s post …
Guest Post ♦ 24th June 2019 ♦ 24 Comments
Julie Cleaveland was married to a very wicked man. When she sought help from her church, she got the usual bad treatments. She published this letter to her former church leaders to highlight the bias in their thinking. Dear Former Church Leaders, I was surprised to hear that your head pastor and you parted ways …
Guest Post ♦ 1st April 2019 ♦ 4 Comments
If traditional beliefs about marriage and divorce compel us to treat Abused Christian Spouses as lower class people, we’ve messed up! Jesus would never do that. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Gal 6:1) This …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 30th August 2018 ♦ 8 Comments
Chris Moles and I both have concerns about the Statement On Abuse which the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood published in 2018. But I see more problems in CBMW’s statement than the ones Chris Moles noticed. This post is the penultimate in my series about Chris Moles. I know that some readers are wanting the series to …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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