Barbara Roberts ♦ 21st July 2019 ♦ 35 Comments
Fake apologies employ self-justification. They appease just enough to quell resistance. They excuse the abusers and condemn the victims. Real apologies involve surrender, confession, recognition and empathy. What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better by Wade Mullen. Too often the words “We are sorry” are casually offered and …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 5th September 2018 ♦ 33 Comments
“She nags me” means she presses me to accept my responsibilities. If you ask an abuser to fulfil his responsibilities, you are not being controlling. You are not abusing the perpetrator when you ask him to accept his responsibilities. You are being a reasonable adult human being. You are simply calling on him to be …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 12th July 2018 ♦ 31 Comments
Chris Moles uses some wording that can endorse the abuser’s narrative. I will give three examples of this. Chris’s language permits the abuser to evade responsibility for his wrong choices. Chris wrote a blog post aimed at abusive men – ‘Telling The Truth To Yourself’ (T*). In that post he used some language that in my view …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 5th February 2018 ♦ 31 Comments
He’s your ideal man and your worst nightmare. Men who abuse women tend to go through a subtle but ultimately dramatic transformation that leaves their partner desperately searching for the person he was at the start of their relationship and blaming herself for losing him along the way. “They are extremely clever people,” says Don …
twbtc ♦ 9th November 2017 ♦ 5 Comments
Victim-blaming is an all too common tactic of abusers. Huffington Post recently posted an article that featured victim-blaming logic using three one-minute videos. As you will see it’s not very logical! This Is How Victim-Baming Logic would play out in Everyday Scenarios Each video depicts an ordinary setting in which one character uses victim-blaming …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 30th October 2017 ♦ 17 Comments
Pastor Jason Meyer is happy for people to talk about domestic abuse in mutualizing language and to airbrush the fact that perpetrators are the sole cause of abuse. He is the senior pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church Minnesota (John Piper’s former church). Despite the fact that he and his elders have been trained by Chris …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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