A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Resources

While most of the recommended books and online resources are from a Christian perspective, some of our resources are from secular sources.  We include these resources as we know them to contain accurate information and sound advice.

Recommended Books

Books listed alphabetically by Author

Books listed by Title

Books listed by Topic

Online Resources

Listed alphabetically. Where appropriate, an online resource may be listed in several of the links below. NOTE: Some of these links provide contact information for specific counselors. This does not mean that ACFJ personally knows each of these counselors. As you read here at ACFJ and learn more about abuse, we encourage you apply what you are learning to a counselor, if you are seeing one. If something doesn’t feel right to you, we encourage you to trust your judgment in evaluating a counselor or a resource.

ACFJ flyer and business cards

ACFJ Domestic Violence Flyers:  Country Specific

Children of Domestic Abuse

Church Positions on Domestic Abuse

Cyber Safety and Social Networking

Deciding to stay or leave

Domestic Violence Agencies and Websites Around the World

Family and Friends

Gender and DV – the key facts

Hotlines

Legal Issues

Mental Illness / Learning Disability

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Practical Tips for Independent Living after Abuse

Red Flags in New Relationships

Safety Planning

Sermons

Sexual Abuse

Spiritual Abuse

Supporters of Victims of Domestic Abuse

Training materials

Understanding Domestic Abuse

Video and Audio

What does scripture really say?

Resources we don’t recommend

51 Comments

  1. anonymous

    Can anyone tell me what books Pastor Crippen is referencing in the last sermon in his series Domestic Violence and Abuse? It’s the one where they are telling wives to ignore their feelings and obey their husband, and that the husband will be “responsible” before God, so just obey. (I’m sorry for the rough paraphrasing) I feel like he was sitting in on the last counseling session I just had with my husband, our counselor and his wife! those were the exact things they are trying to tell me. 😦

    • Jeff Crippen

      anonymous- I believe the book is Me? Obey Him? by Elizabeth Rice Handford. Bad book. Very bad.

      • TB

        Oh my…I have read this book. UGH! It seems for every book that says “OBEY your husband, as unto the Lord” (sounds reasonable), there is a book that says “NO, this does not apply.” In my quest for answers I have read:

        The Excellent Wife
        Created to be his Helpmeet
        Me? Obey Him?
        You Can be the Wife of a Happy Husband
        Sacred Marriage
        Sacred Influence
        And on, and on, and on, and on…

        Part of my struggle is knowing which side of the fence to be on!!! It’s so frustrating. I think I have determined these books are helpful in a marriage that is semi-healthy to healthy, but not so much in a relationship like mine.

  2. anonymous

    thank you

    • CB

      TB,
      I too have given much consideration to all “these books” and struggled with the thought that these are helpful in semi-healthy marriages and not abusive ones. I have learned that the basic premise that these books are based on is an incorrect model. If the model doesn’t take into account unhealthy marriages, the model is missing something and flawed and needs to be reconsidered. It has the possibility of taking a healthier marriage into an unhealthier state. If it is not helping unhealthy marriages it is not helping healthier marriages. If you find a hole in your model then you know your model does not accurately describe reality and have an obligation to correct it or recall your model. If willingly not corrected, it will lead to great error and is deceptive.

    • CB

      I too have given much consideration to all “these books” and struggled with the thought that these are helpful in semi-healthy marriages and not abusive ones. I have learned the basic premise that these books are based on, is an incorrect model. If the model doesn’t take into account unhealthy marriages, the model is missing something and flawed and needs to be reconsidered. It has the possibility of taking a healthier marriage into an unhealthier state. If it is not helping unhealthy marriages it is not helping healthier marriages. If you find a hole in your model then you know your model does not accurately describe reality and have an obligation to correct it or recall your model. If willingly not corrected, it will lead to great error and is deceptive.

      GOD put into place “nature” to give us visuals of the “function of laws and systems”.

      You find in nature that a system that benefits healthy and functional ALSO benefits unhealthy and not functioning correctly, otherwise, the system is unstable and will fail. Example: Nutrients, water, and proper growing environment that is supplied to healthy “trees” (or whatever you want to use as an example) also benefit unhealthy “trees” and encourage improvement and survival. If this was not, so the system would die.

      • That principle you gave from Nature is generally true. But not always. Here is an example of where it is not true.

        When someone has been starved for a long time it is not safe to for them to have normal full sized meals when they recommence eating. otherwise they might get what is called Re-feeding Syndrome.

        From Wikipedia:

        Any individual who has had negligible nutrient intake for many consecutive days and/or is metabolically stressed from a critical illness or major surgery is at risk of refeeding syndrome. Refeeding syndrome usually occurs within four days of starting to re-feed. Patients can develop fluid and electrolyte disorders, especially hypophosphatemia, along with neurologic, pulmonary, cardiac, neuromuscular, and hematologic complications.

        When the concentration camp victims were liberated by the allies. Electrolyte imbalances were observed in liberated camp victims before V-Day. I think we need to consider how this applies in domestic abuse, because being in domestic abuse is quite like being in a concentration camp.

  3. anonymous

    Can anyone comment on the differences between Bancroft’s “The Batterer as Parent” and “When Dad Hurst Mom?” (or do you recommend both) thank you

    • But we do recommend both of them. Other people on our team have read them, that’s why we recommend them.
      Update: while Bancroft’s books on domestic abuse are good, we do not recommend Lundy Bancroft’s “healing retreats” or his New Peak Living Network.

    • I have not read either of them Anon, yet. Maybe one is more for professionals and one for mothers? I think if you checked out the reviews of the two books on Amazon, you would get a sense of the differences between them.

    • Deborah

      Hello, I can tell you that both books are basically about the same thing. Batterer As A Parent is written to professionals helping victims and is much more technical and detailed. When Dad hurts Mom is written to survivors and has less detail but is written in less technical and clinical terms. Both are good books and both help you understand why abusers parent the way they do and what to expect and be careful of in their parenting, post separation. Batterer costs significantly more and I’m not sure you can get it on kindle. I know you can get Dad hurts Mom on kindle. Both are really good and because batterer has more detail, I would recommend reading both if you can. If not, you will not miss any of the key points if you only read Dad hurts Mom. Hope this helps!!

      Deborah

      • anonymous

        Yes, that helps immensely-thank you!

      • Thanks Deborah! We will put this info as an annotation where we list those two books on our Books resources pages.

  4. Katherine

    I’m looking for the bad resource of books list. Curious how many I have and need to toss.

    • That might be a good list for us to have, Katherine, but unfortunately we don’t have such a list yet. But you have prompted us to give it some thought.

      However, our Hall Of Bind Guides page will give you an idea of some of the authors we think are doing harm to victims. But it is not a comprehensive list.

  5. Lucy

    Are there any books or publications about adult children (sons) that are now treating their mother in the same way their dad did. I divorced my husband after 25 yrs. It was a marriage of verbal, emotional, and a small amount of physical abuse. My daughter-in-laws are now “carrying on the tradition.” It is getting worse. What can I do to end this!? It would be so helpful if there were books my sons could read (God willing they would read them).

  6. Lucy

    Thank you Barbara. I will go to that site. My sons were 19 & 21 when I filed for divorce. They are now in their early 40’s. I read an article written by Teresa R. Boulette & Susan M. Anderson about “Mind Control & the Battering of Women.”. It was given to me my my attorney during the long divorce proceedings. Very interesting & enlightening. It said that sons who observe their mothers enduring abuse may become desensitized as adults to their mothers/women. I just wish there was a book (other than Boundaries) that would be helpful. I am seeing a counselor, but am basically being told to find a life outside of my family. I have eight grandchildren. My family is my life! I do have other activities, etc. but nothing takes the place of family.

    • Yes Lucy, I got the impression that your sons were well and truly adults now, so maybe those links I gave will not be all that helpful to you.

      If you do find a good book or resource that might help people like your sons, let us know. We might put it on our Resources.

  7. Any thought of creating a list of recommended churches? This could be difficult, as I know leadership can change within a church… but it might benefit users looking for a church founded in truth and knowledgeable enough to not re-victimize members. Just reading through the Persistant Widow’s story made me think how harmed so many of us have been by the leaders at our church (me included… I did leave that church). Would love to know where this isn’t happening :).

    • thepersistentwidow

      Hi xmeriwetherx, I recommend the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. They orchestrated a domestic abuse task force that drafted a position paper and other favorable resources here:
      Domestic Violence [Internet Archive link] That is not to say that the LCMS church body is free of abuse, but their doctrines discourage enabling abuse and give prominence to comforting the hurting. I now belong to LCMS and am very happy there. Please contact me directly (e-mail in the About Us section) if I can answer any questions about LCMS for you.

      We are still hoping to have more information in the Church Positions section, but thus far, haven’t found other denominations to recommend.

    • To create a list of safe church would be WAY beyond us, in terms of time and energy. And we would not want to take responsibility for the list being totally reliable, as in every local church the ethos can change if there is a leadership change.

      Recommending a denomination as a whole is the best we can do, and as PW noted, it can only be a general statement about the denomination, not a endorsement of necessarily every local church in that denomination.

      Readers are adivsed to use this blog and our recommmended resources to study the marks of Pharisaic teaching and leadership, to learn as much as they can about the dynamics of abuse and how it can present in the family and the church and with that information, and by listening to the Holy Spirit and paying attention to their gut feelings, make their own assessments of churches.

  8. emmellkaycee

    I a looking for input, please.

    In general, what do y’all think about the book: Love and Respect by Dr. Eggericks?

    • twbtc

      Emmellkaycee,
      The book, Love and Respect, by Eggerichs is not the abuse victim’s friend and it is on our Books in our Hall of Blind Guides page. And I wouldn’t recommend it even for a “healthy” relationship.

      There are some comments by readers on the comment section of this post Is Scripture bondage to you? — a testimony from one of our readers that you may find helpful.

      Also, here is a link to an article written by Mark Baker which discussions the biblical errors of the premise of the book: Love & Respect, Biblical or Deceptive? [Internet Archive link[

      • emmellkaycee

        Thank you for that help!

        “Respect” is a word my husband throws arround a lot, in terms of demanding it, but easily not giving it. I think it must mean somehing very different to him than it does to me.

  9. Rebecca

    Does ACFJ ever refer people to counselors? Thanks for any information.

    • sorry, no we don’t generally do that. The only things we could recommend are:

      a) ask your local domestic violence women’s service for their recommendations, as they tend to have a sense of who is good in the local area, because they hear feedback from their clients. They may even know which counselors are most appreciated by Christian clients

      b) if you are in North Carolina you could contact Catherine DeLoach Lewis who we have interviewed on this blog (see here)

      c) check out our post Finding a Good Counselor and Avoiding the Bad Ones

  10. Dawn Rising

    My soon to be ex husband is being served with divorce papers tomorrow.

    I have been struggling with the words to say to my primary school age children.

    Here is what I’ve come up with so far, please let me know if there is anything I need to add or subtract.

    Thank you for your page. It has opened my eyes and brought me strength.

    I want you children to know that I love you with all my heart. I would never do anything that I didn’t think was in your best interest.

    I want you to calmly listen to what I have to say until I’m finished. When I’m done, I will do my best to answer any questions you have. I want you to know that it is okay to be angry or sad or both. I will love you always, no matter what.

    Read the rabbit story from your blog?

    You know that things aren’t good between your daddy and myself. They haven’t been good for many years. Nothing you have done has caused these issues, they started before either of you was born. Nothing you can do will fix it. Sometimes people can’t make things work no matter how hard they try.

    Your daddy has done things that have hurt me deeply and has made decisions that have harmed our family. I have asked him to stop many times, but he isn’t sorry and doesn’t want to change.

    Quite a few months ago, I asked for a separation to give us space and some time to think, and for him to make changes. He said no.

    After years of prayer, counseling, and trying everything I know to do, I have decided to ask for a divorce. It isn’t okay to let someone hurt you. God doesn’t ask it of us.

    Things won’t change a whole lot for you. Daddy will still come to school and events you are involved in. You will still spend lots of time with both of us and we will both still love you forever. We just won’t all live in the same house together. You’ll spend some days with me and some with him. I’ll still homeschool you.

    It will be different and sometimes it will be hard. But we will get through it together.

    I love you.

  11. Lee

    [Note from Barb: We are publishing this comment because we think it is likely to be describing a genuine case of a husband being abused by his wife. Readers, please be mindful that if the comment triggers you, or if it makes you suspect that it is describing what your abuser falsely accuses you of, please be cautious about not jumping to conclude that your suspicion is correct.

    We know that in the past when we have published accounts like this, some of our readers have been triggered or have made the assumption that the comment is describing them and has been submitted by their abuser or his allies. Please remember that the tactics of abuse are largely the same from abuser to abuser, and that females can genuinely abuse males.

    It is part and parcel of our work at this blog to support all genuine victims, and to expose the tactics of all abusers, regardless of their gender. We do the best we can; and of course we are not perfect. The judgement call to publish this comment has been made by Barb. If I am wrong, it’s on me.]

    I think we need more stuff from the perspective of a woman who treats her husband very badly. My example is a woman who marries a man she doesn’t love or respect. Then she smears him to everyone. Then she poisons the children and keeps them from him during a “separation”. She turns his family and church against him. She uses the silent treatment on him regularly. She says he is abusive because he cares about people too much and is friendly. He hugs little children back at church who hug him because he is their sunday School teacher WITH her. He wants his own children to not read certain books and she says that is too harsh. She tells his friends that they wouldn’t like him if they really knew him. She tells counselors that hugging him is like hugging garbage. And more…….and all this started BEFORE she married him.

    Does this sound like abuse to you? It’s subtle and very low key so most people don’t know or believe what is going on.

    She refuses to divorce him because she is following the teachings of Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She ignores him for months and years in a separated living arrangement and then suddenly wants to get back together and says she has changed. But then she ambushes him with “family” meetings where the children tell him what he’s done wrong for years. She is never wrong and he is always wrong. She calls him a Narcissist. He asks other people if he is. He says maybe his actions led to her not loving him. He is frozen in action about divorcing her because of church teachings and the fear of completely losing the kids. Only his mother is on his side in his family. (Father is deceased.)

  12. Welcome to the blog 🙂 I changed your screen name to CB, as a precaution for your safety. We advise all new readers to look at our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

    If you want us to change your screen name to something else, please email twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

    • CB

      Thank you for changing my name to CB 🙂

      • twbtc

        Hi CB,

        I think that wordpress automatically fills in your screen name according to your wordpress account settings as I had to change it to CB before approving the comment. You will need to either update your account settings to reflect ‘CB’ as your public display name or manually change your screen name to ‘CB’ when you comment. We try to catch screen names that are too identifying before approving comments, but sometimes we miss one.

        And may I add my Welcome!

    • CB

      Hello, I am trying to figure out how to change my screen name so when I reply or post it shows CB so you may have to change my recent reply to CB. So sorry, I will get this figured out 🙂 CB

      • twbtc

        CB,

        You can make that change by going to your “My Profile” page of your wordpress account. Whatever is in the field called “Public Display Name” is what will show as your screen name. If you put “CB” in that field then that will show as your screen name by default. But also know that “CB” will then show as your default screen name in cyberspace, not just our blog.

        Hope that helps.

      • Also, CB, your photo shows up in your gravatar. If you don’t want it showing on this blog, you will need to go to your WordPress account and change the settings so your photo is not shown when you comment on WP blogs.

  13. CB

    Yes, I agree wholeheartedly, domestic abuse is quite like being in a concentration camp. I see that your example still supports what is found in nature, though. Re-feeding has to do with a proper growing environment. Nutrients and water (basic raw materials for all of life) that are beneficial to trees plus then taking into consideration, the proper growing “environment” (still beneficial to trees) reveals that some trees benefit from less, some more and some require varied amounts for specified times. If trees receive too much water or too little water, this too can hurt trees. Too many nutrients or too little can hurt trees. When given amounts for a “proper GROWING environment” they have the ability to restore. My analogy was to make aware that the common books that are dangerous for women in abusive and unhealthy marriages are so on a foundational (basic raw materials) level (and also not suitable for healthy marriages due to that) and when you add to that an environment that is not a “growing one”, the outcome is increasingly lethal. This is what I have found personally from reading these books.

    • Yeah, your analogy is a good one, CB.

      I’m going to think more about it and how the re-feeding syndrome might apply (be an analogy for) what happens in some cases when the victim escapes the abuser.

  14. Legally Separated

    Hi,
    I remember a video being posted here some months ago made in France I believe which did a tasteful job at showing an abusive relationship between and man and a women and poor bystander involvement. Would you help me out by sharing the link or pointing me in the right direction?

  15. HopeGlenn

    I can’t access the article on Billy Graham on the Twitter site. Is there another access?

    • Hi HopeGlenn, here is another way of reading my thread about Billy Graham.
      This link goes to threadreaderapp –

      https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1173785822035771393.html

      Can you please tell me if you are able to read it okay? If not, I will email you the PDF version of my twitter thread.

      Threadreaderapp is a useful app. It is a way of saving and reading and sharing twitter threads. You can also ask threadreaderapp to convert any Twitter thread into a PDF. Thanks to threadreaderapp, I have a PDF version of my Billy Graham thread. I can email you that PDF if you wish. But first, can you please tell me if the above link works for you.

      Thanks! 🙂

  16. leaningonhope

    Barbara, do you have any articles about how depression or grieving could be labeled as pride or being prideful?

    I was just told this by a Christian psychologist who I’ve met only twice. His main questions to me so far have been generally based on who do I think I am compared to who God says I am. Our 2 conversations are somewhat jumbled in my head. I told him about my very abusive upbringing and multiple marriages; how I have so many regrets and broken relationships because of what was done to me and as a result of my own failures.

    I believe what God says about me and who God is, but I struggle in my faith. I feel like it’s being rocked.

    I feel like I’m always grieving.

    He told me I was being prideful for not believing God about who I am, that I was setting up my thoughts to be above God’s. That I know more about my value than God does. He referred to the verse about how after pride comes destruction. He said it doesn’t just apply to arrogant or selfish, puffed up pride, but also to sadness or unwillingness to let go of sadness or grief, or maybe the fear of letting go. And if we live by fear then we are also sinning against God. That my sad / grieving pride may be the cause of my failing marriage, which he hardly knows anything about because we haven’t talked about it yet….

    All of this was devastating to hear, he barely knows me, I told him I feel like I’m always grieving and many other struggles that I’m having both past and present and how it’s affecting my outlook for the future. I’m not sure how to process this… the rest of yesterday I spent reeling, having regret for trying to go to a new counselor. I feel so misunderstood. I’m stuck in grief but I don’t think it’s prideful, and now I’m more confused. As he was saying this to me, I felt slapped in the face and re-shamed. Re-abused. Unheard.

    I’m not saying that he’s completely uneducated or something like that. If I were telling him that no one can help me and no one understands, my problems are all someone else’s fault, I claim victim status for all the bad things that have happened in my life, well I could see how that could have some issues of pride. I’m not claiming that. I don’t know what else to say about this. I feel like I’m stuck in a complicated grief, and I’m suffering from it on multiple levels… I don’t know what else to say about this…

    [Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]

    • Hi leaningonhope, I will reply as soon as I am able. In the meantime, rest assured that this counselor’s notion about grief being prideful is NONSENSE. I encourage you to mentally kick his advice to the kerb. His false notions almost certainly derived from Jay Adams’ teaching.

    • Hi Leaning on hope,

      Jay Adams was the founder of Nouthetic Counseling. Later on his followers re-named it Biblical Counseling. Rebecca Davis accurately summarises Jay Adams’ work:

      Jay Adams, who died in November 2020, was so highly regarded in the fundamentalist and evangelical Christian world that his influence can hardly be overestimated.

      Through his long and prolific life—over 100 books telling us we need no book for counseling other than the Bible—his teachings can be reduced to just a few points.

      Primarily, this one: almost every single non-physical problem a person has can be boiled down to a problem of personal sin. (He does make exceptions for brain injuries.)

      The solution, then, to every problem of the soul or spirit—including such a variety of experiences as anxiety, depression, obsessions, compulsions, dissociation, nightmares—and much, much more …

      … the solution is to be found in repentance.

      Then the way to grow in the Christian life is to determine to change, do prescribed homework, and practice particular habits.

      Four simple steps in helping people change

      Second Timothy 3:16 is the Scripture on which Adams ostensibly formed his entire counseling model. According to that, he says, there are four steps in helping people change.

      Teach them what is right (“doctrine”).
      Press for conviction (“reproof”).
      Correct them (“correction”).
      Discipline them in righteousness (“instruction in righteousness”).

      That, according to Adams, is the simple four-phase path to helping people change in any way involving the soul or spirit.
      (Source: How Jay Adams Would Counsel a Pedophile [Internet Archive link])

      The counselor you saw was very likely coming from this same mindset. He wrongly accused you of being prideful for not believing God about who you are. He was wrong in stating that your grief and depression come from your pride. He wrongly accused you of proudly believing that you know your value better than God does.

      His recipe in counseling is to find the sin in the client and reprove the client for it, then preach repentance to the client.

      It sounds to me like your grief and depression are not sinful. Nor are they prideful. They are healthy and understandable and legitimate responses to massive and repeated mistreatment by others.

      You asked the counselor to help you deal with grief & depression which are a result of the abuses you have suffered. Instead of helping you, he piled more abuse onto the pile of abuses you are dealing with.

      I strongly encourage you to read the booklet Honouring Resistance: How Women Resist Abuse in Intimate Relationships. The booklet explains how the victim’s RESPONSES to abuse can all be understood as RESISTANCE to abuse. It will help you see that your responses (e.g. your grief and depression) are to be understood as healthy and prudent and judicious resistance to abuse.

      If you want further reading after that, here are some links you might find it helpful:

      How do I find a good counselor?

      A critique of nothetic (Biblical) counseling, by Rebecca Davis —
      Part 1 [Internet Archive link]
      Part 2 [Internet Archive link]
      Part 3 [Internet Archive link]

      Jay Adams taught counselors to side with male abusers and against female victims.

      Abuse and Nouthetic Counseling: A Firsthand Analysis of the Harm it Does

      The Biblical Counseling Movement — a series by April Kelsey at Revolutionary Faith

      • leaningonhope

        Barbara,
        Oh my gosh. You just outlined what my couselor spoke to me. About the soul and spirit, about repentance, about doing homework. My homework was to read scriptures that say who I am in Christ, and not think about what I feel.

        “The solution, then, to every problem of the soul or spirit—including such a variety of experiences as anxiety, depression, obsessions, compulsions, dissociation, nightmares—and much, much more …
        … the solution is to be found in repentance.
        Then the way to grow in the Christian life is to determine to change, do prescribed homework, and practice particular habits.”

        So, I “failed” my homework assignment because I “didn’t believe it”, that was his conclusion. I was given a week’s time and one homework assignment to undo a lifetime of trauma, failures with life-long consequences, and broken relationships. I referenced the verse about Thomas doubting, saying that he believed, and asking Jesus to help him in his unbelief. This counselor said I took that verse out of context, that it was only about Thomas seeing. In my mind, that verse is about Thomas having a struggle in his faith, like he could believe Jesus, but he was struggling to believe himself. Is this accurate? To me, it is more about the spirit of Thomas’s statement of having a struggle. Even in the context of seeing, Jesus didn’t tell Thomas he was sinning with pride by admitting his unbelief. I could be so wrong.

        Just to clarify, I do believe what God says about me. I do know that I know that I know that He holds me and cries with me and rejoices with me, that He is for me. I love the Alleluia Song, for example – all the lyrics, especially that He is for me. This song helps me to worship and give thanks and praise even when I don’t feel it.

        I think that my biggest struggle is not that I am not forgiven, because I know that I am, but that the consequences of others’ sin and my own sin have life long consequences. The struggle to accept that I will have a huge thorn in my side for the rest of this life. The thoughts of “what could have been me” are ever before me, this is where I am stuck. There are not enough words and not enough time for me to describe the things I think about and imagine, of my life without having been abused. Or, even having been abused, had the abuses been properly handled and had I gotten the help I needed when I was most impacted or vulnerable. I can imagine that I am not alone in this lament….

        A couple of days ago, I watched a video of Jimmy Hinton. He gave his testimony of how he learned the tragic results of what the church does to re-abuse victims of abuse. Are you familiar with him? I hope so, because he quoted you and referenced your (this) site many times. I was so glad to hear all that! To hear all of that coming from a male pastor, made me wish so much that other pastors – like mine, or like this psychologist – would read and learn and “get it”.

        A few days ago, I just happened upon this video, not looking for something specific to my recent experience with this psychologist. But, I think it was a “God thing” that I did, because Jimmy Hinton spoke directly to my situation. And so have you, Barbara, thank you so much for your response and resources. This blog and all of its articles and resources, I have shared so many times, referring others to your wealth of knowledge, insights, and research. You and all who work behind the scenes, thank you. You’ve all been a lifeline to me.

      • Dear leaningonhope,

        I agree with you that the verse about Thomas points to him having a struggle in his faith. This point you made is spot on: “Jesus didn’t tell Thomas he was sinning with pride by admitting his unbelief.”

        I also concur with everything you said about how you are lamenting. You are definitely not alone in lamenting those things. In my personal experience, and the experience of most victims I know, lamentation is one of the main things we do in our journey after having been abused. And the unkind and unfair responses of ‘helpers’ when we reach out for help, only adds to the number of things we have to lament. Judgemental responses from bystanders pour salt on our wounds. When we are being re-traumatised over and over again, wounds cannot heal and lamentation cannot bring us to recovery.

        I am well aware of Jimmy Hinton and I have recommended his work for a long time. Which video of his are you referring to? Can you please give me a link to that video? I didn’t know he referenced and praised my work in one of his videos.

  17. leaningonhope

    Hi Barbara,
    I don’t know how to attach a link…. part of the challenge of sending you this link is that it is posted on a private site, so I don’t know that you would gain access to it without being a member. But I’ll see if I can get that worked out….

  18. Finding Answers

    My apologies, Leaningonhope.

    I have hijacked and edited your comment to make my own comment.

    You commented (20TH FEBRUARY 2021 – 9:00 AM): “I will have a huge thorn….for the rest of this life.”.

    That.

    In the same comment, you commented: “The thoughts of “what could have been….”.

    That.

    In the same comment, you commented: “There are not enough words….for me to describe….my life.”.

    That.

    I am nearing the sixth decade of my life.

    I have been many places in my almost six decades of life. Pain still haunts my memories.

    Some of the pain that haunts my memories comes from understanding that my memories have been tainted by my abusers. (Omitting details for my safety and protection.)

    Some of the pain that haunts my memories comes from understanding that I will never again be able to physically go to some of the beautiful places that I have physically been except through the internet, books, etc.. There are some times I wish I could physically go to some of these beautiful places to see if they are as beautiful as I think I remember. From what I remember, they were places of almost pristine wilderness, left mostly untainted by man. Now, even if I could physically go to these beautiful places, I would not go to them….I would, amongst other things, cause too much physical damage to the environment just to see if those beautiful places are the same way I think I remember them. (Omitting details for my safety and protection.)

    In the same comment, you commented: “In my mind, that verse is about Thomas having a struggle”.

    That.

    In the same comment, you commented: “Jesus didn’t tell Thomas he was sinning….by admitting his unbelief.”

    The Holy Spirit tells me I am a Child of God, but I do not believe Him. And while the Bible says Jesus Christ won the battle over Satan when He died on the cross, the consequences of a lifetime of (sometimes extreme) abuse leaves me feeling the battle has been won by my abusers. (Omitting details for my safety and protection.)

    The Holy Spirit tells me to have hope, but I do not believe Him.

    Perhaps He (the Holy Spirit) will help me in my unbelief….

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