Barbara Roberts ♦ 6th September 2020 ♦ 12 Comments
Many people are unaware of the injustice which Christian victims of domestic abuse suffer in churches. Unpacking the erroneous notion that ‘God hates divorce’ is a vital element of giving justice to the abused. Where did the notion that ‘God hates divorce’ come from? It came into being through the King James Bible. I will …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 19th June 2020 ♦ 18 Comments
Here is a way to identify whether someone is a genuine shepherd or a hireling-cum-wolf. Ask yourself, “Is this person pounding the facts? Or are they just pounding the witness or pounding the table?” This post is a recapitulation and coda to Part 3 of my series about Sheep, Shepherds and Wolves. The questions in …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 18th April 2020 ♦ 17 Comments
Have you been told to submit to church elders? Have you heard the ‘rule’ that we must obey church leaders? What is the basis for this ‘rule’ that you, as a professing Christian, must (must) obey church elders? Definition of terms…so we all start on the same page. I will be using the term ‘elders’ …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 11th July 2019 ♦ 28 Comments
Your platitudes are proverbs of ashes (Job 13:12a) Domestic abuse victims frequently find themselves misunderstood by those from whom they seek support. Such interchanges can be extremely distressing for victims — they feel at a loss as to how to respond to the attitude of the supporter. Frequently supporters don’t mean to hurt; it happens …
Guest ♦ 5th June 2019 ♦ 89 Comments
A guest post by Valerie Jacobsen. Misogynistic bias is a real thing, and it is very obvious here. Painfully obvious. Jay Adams is TEACHING counselors to side with male abusers and against female victims. He is TEACHING them to overlook crimes. So, if you have ever been in nouthetic counseling or “biblical” counseling and have …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 20th September 2018 ♦ 48 Comments
One reason why the visible church is such an abuser-friendly environment is that the visible church has many people in it who are not born again. People who have not been saved. People who do not know Jesus. Some of those people who are not born again think they are Christians and are doing their …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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