Barbara Roberts ♦ 28th August 2019 ♦ 17 Comments
Australia is not the only place where children are being forced to have contact with abusers by the legal system. Caution: For some readers, some of the linked articles may be triggering. What is the so-called evangelical church doing about any of this? I answer that ^ question at the bottom of this post. I …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 21st July 2019 ♦ 35 Comments
Fake apologies employ self-justification. They appease just enough to quell resistance. They excuse the abusers and condemn the victims. Real apologies involve surrender, confession, recognition and empathy. What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better by Wade Mullen. Too often the words “We are sorry” are casually offered and …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 11th July 2019 ♦ 28 Comments
Your platitudes are proverbs of ashes (Job 13:12a) Domestic abuse victims frequently find themselves misunderstood by those from whom they seek support. Such interchanges can be extremely distressing for victims — they feel at a loss as to how to respond to the attitude of the supporter. Frequently supporters don’t mean to hurt; it happens …
Guest ♦ 24th June 2019 ♦ 24 Comments
Julie Cleaveland was married to a very wicked man. When she sought help from her church, she got the usual bad treatments. She published this letter to her former church leaders to highlight the bias in their thinking. Dear Former Church Leaders, I was surprised to hear that your head pastor and you parted ways …
Guest ♦ 5th June 2019 ♦ 87 Comments
A guest post by Valerie Jacobsen. Misogynistic bias is a real thing, and it is very obvious here. Painfully obvious. Jay Adams is TEACHING counselors to side with male abusers and against female victims. He is TEACHING them to overlook crimes. So, if you have ever been in nouthetic counseling or “biblical” counseling and have …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 16th December 2018 ♦ 60 Comments
Some survivors of abuse make the decision that it is not wise to spend Christmas with family. Others predetermine strict boundaries about how and where they will participate in family gatherings. And for some people it is simply impossible to spend Christmas with family or friends. (John 7:1-13) After that, Jesus went about in Galilee, …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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