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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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Thank you so much to Barbara for setting up this wonderful resource whereby victims of abuse can receive bestselling books on the topic. I am very grateful to you for the books you have kindly gifted me and for your ongoing work raising awareness of this issue through your books and other media.
A very informative blog and useful website.
Thanks, Oceanoflove, I’m glad you are finding it helpful. 🙂
Barbara – I stumbled upon your website this afternoon, and what a breath of fresh air it is. I was manipulated into marrying a “Christian” abuser when I was only 19. He stole four years from my life, until my family found out what was happening and talked sense into me. I could easily be dead right now. I am now 55 and am married to my truly Christian Prince Charming. God has made up for the years the locusts have eaten, and I am grateful. Your descriptions of abusers and their manipulation of the church are dead on accurate. I cannot wait to order and read your book. Press on with your work. It is desperately needed. Bless you, my sister in Christ.
Thanks so much for your encouraging comment!
Welcome to the blog, God is Good. 🙂 In case you have not yet checked it out, here is our FAQ page.