Guest ♦ 20th December 2019 ♦ 107 Comments
Many are puzzled by Jesus’ different approaches to the subject of violence. ‘turn the other cheek’ ‘the meek shall inherit the earth’ whipping the bankers and merchants out of the Temple telling the apostles to get swords for themselves before going into the Garden of Gethsemane rebuking Peter for slicing off the ear of a …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 29th July 2019
Originally posted on A Cry For Justice:
Telling the truth is central to Christianity. In the lead-up to my conversion, God pricked me multiple times about how I was a liar and I had to stop doing it. Buckling on the belt of truth is the first step in donning the armor of God. If we don’t put on truth, the rest…
Barbara Roberts ♦ 23rd July 2019 ♦ 18 Comments
There are many labels used to pathologise, blame and discredit victims: Stockholm Syndrome battered women’s syndrome learned helplessness codependency traumatic bonding re-enactment of trauma repetition compulsion women choose abusive men women unconsciously attract abusive men The concept of “Stockholm Syndrome” has become a ‘received truth’ in the mental health field. It shifts the focus away …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 11th July 2019 ♦ 28 Comments
Your platitudes are proverbs of ashes (Job 13:12a) Domestic abuse victims frequently find themselves misunderstood by those from whom they seek support. Such interchanges can be extremely distressing for victims — they feel at a loss as to how to respond to the attitude of the supporter. Frequently supporters don’t mean to hurt; it happens …
Guest ♦ 24th June 2019 ♦ 24 Comments
Julie Cleaveland was married to a very wicked man. When she sought help from her church, she got the usual bad treatments. She published this letter to her former church leaders to highlight the bias in their thinking. Dear Former Church Leaders, I was surprised to hear that your head pastor and you parted ways …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 25th March 2019 ♦ 171 Comments
Some victims of domestic abuse find Leslie Vernick’s work helpful; others find it confusing and even dangerous. To illustrate the range of responses that victims have to Leslie’s work, I will be quoting from their comments. Most of my quotes will be excerpts from victims’ comments and I will give links to their original comments …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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