Guest ♦ 7th March 2020 ♦ 78 Comments
Guest post by James Many ‘ordinary’ people can go from calm to angry very quickly given the right circumstances. But only those with personality disorders (psychopaths etc) can go from anger to calm in an instant. It is a huge ‘tell-tale’. [Update — James has clarified this even more: Going from anger to charming in …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 20th January 2020 ♦ 18 Comments
Someone can hear the story of the gospel, fashion in their own strength their imagination of the story, remember the story, and think: “I believe — I have faith”. That person has believed in a story faith but their heart and nature has not changed. Their spirit is not reborn. That person will always be …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 17th January 2020 ♦ 5 Comments
Interview of Barbara Roberts, by Out Of The Gate. If you want to only watch the part where I talk about my work on domestic abuse — i.e. my book Not Under Bondage and the A Cry For Justice blog — go to 24:37 in the video. Who runs Out Of The Gate? Tye is …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 25th October 2019 ♦ 4 Comments
The Bible says that we can be blinded by Satan and by other human beings. Some of the humans who blind us are consciously working for Satan. Some of the humans who blind us are unconsciously working for Satan. Perhaps they have to some degree been blinded by other humans who are consciously working for …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 14th October 2019 ♦ 16 Comments
The choices a group / group leader makes can bring the group into even more blindness. This is Part 4 of a series addressing the questions: Are abusers spiritually blind? (Or psychologically blind, which is pretty much the same thing.) Are abusers deceived? If they are deceived, to what extent have they been deceived by …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 8th October 2019 ♦ 28 Comments
The choices a person makes can bring the person into even more blindness. This is Part 3 of a series addressing the questions: Are abusers spiritually blind? (Or psychologically blind, which is pretty much the same thing.) Are abusers deceived? If they are deceived, to what extent have they been deceived by others and to …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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