Why would I keep writing about Josh Butler and Beautiful Union when most people who were talking about it have moved on? I will keep writing on Butler because I believe that Butler’s thesis greatly enables men who abuse their long-term female intimate partners, and this fact has not been sufficiently attended to yet by advocates and theologians.
As a preliminary to defending that belief, I’m going to lay out four things I see.
Different lanes of advocacy and the neglect of intimate partner abuse
- Advocates who have not been abused by an intimate partner in a long-term relationship often promote feminist theology and talk about sexual abuse and spiritual abuse.
- Sexual abuse, spiritual abuse and misogyny very often co-occur with intimate partner abuse.
- All types of abuse share some common features.
- However, the dynamics of intimate partner abuse are replete with special features that do not occur (or seldom occur) with child sexual abuse, clergy sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse.
Read point 4 again. It’s important. If advocates do not accept point 4 or understand the intricacy of the special features which are found in intimate partner abuse, they are in danger of saying and doing things that are harmful to survivors of intimate partner abuse. I have observed many advocates who, sadly, are in this place. I understand that we’re all on learning curves — but I grieve when I see advocates who are specialising in sexual abuse or spiritual abuse and are calling out misogynist theology, yet are saying or doing things that will endanger and hurt survivors of intimate partner abuse.
It’s easy to think you understand the special intricate dynamics of intimate partner abuse when you have a friend or family member who has suffered intimate partner abuse. It’s easy to think you understand those special dynamics because you’re an advocate in another lane (not specialising in domestic abuse) and have heard domestic abuse survivors tell their stories. It’s easy to think you understand domestic abuse because one or both of your parents abused you when you were a child. But those experiences are not usually enough to give you a deep understanding of the dynamics of intimate partner abuse, i.e., the pervasive coercive control that abusive men use on their long-term intimate female partners.
Even if one of your parents abused your other parent, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a good understanding of the intricate dynamics of intimate partner abuse. The child certainly experienced bad stuff in that home, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the child (or the child grown into adulthood) understands how malevolent and crafty the abuser was and all the dynamics that took place between the two adults in that home.
Coercive control is the white noise against which the victim of domestic abuse plays out her life; it is ever present, ever threatening. Men who target women to abuse in long-term intimate relationships are more skilled and more crafty than pedophiles.
(And yes, sometimes the genders are reversed, but female abusers cannot sexually abuse their male partners in all the ways men can sexually abuse females.)
Here are other facts I want to emphasise:
Survivors of intimate partner abuse are gravely under-represented in the advocacy community. The topic of intimate partner abuse / domestic abuse has been neglected by the advocacy community and by egalitarian theologians.
I know that will ruffle feathers. Those are my observations, formed from over two decades of advocacy.
I ask myself:
How much do advocates really care about intimate partner abuse? How much do egalitarian theologians really care about intimate partner abuse?
When advocates and egalitarian theologians post pictures of frivolous worldly things they are doing, they are implicitly messaging that they are caring more for the world and their own pleasures than for survivors of intimate partner abuse who are still being oppressed and afflicted. Whether or not they intend to give that message, victims and survivors see them doing it, and it hurts…
And if an advocate bullies a survivor who questions her assertions or challenges her insensitive language, that is telling. I used “her” for advocates in that sentence because most advocates are female; but the same thing could be said if a male advocate was bullying his followers. Advocates can be doing good work (should I have put air quotes round that?) but simultaneously be bullying and shredding their followers who challenge them.
I’m tired of hearing advocates and feminist theologians mention domestic abuse but not take steps to better understand the complexities of domestic abuse. I’m tired of hearing advocates and theologians publicly talk and write about domestic abuse in a passing or superficial way (even doing that to build their platform?) while ignoring people like me and Andrea Aleksandrova and Kate Palmer Bowers who could help them up-skill in the complexity of domestic abuse, intimate partner betrayal, and response-based practice. I’m weary of hearing advocates saying that women should be granted more high-level leadership positions in churches and seminaries, but those same advocates are not centering more of their efforts on the issue of domestic abuse. I’m tired of advocates in North America who are stuck in the North American silo and are obviously not familiar with the top-notch secular authors and researchers in the rest of the world who are writing about domestic abuse.
It may seem to many that sexual abuse and spiritual abuse are the biggest abuse problems in churches. But domestic abuse is at least as big a problem as sexual abuse, and arguably a bigger problem than spiritual abuse. Domestic abuse just gets less focus, less oxygen, because most domestic abuse survivors are barely able to tread water, let alone devote energy to advocacy. Another reason domestic abuse gets less oxygen is this: unlike sexual abuse cases which go to court, family court cases must not be reported or discussed online — it’s illegal to do so. This helps keep domestic abuse in the shadows, while allowing the spotlight on sexual abuse and spiritual abuse. Few Christian advocates (or Christian journalists) seem to have a clue about the iniquities that family courts are perpetrating on abused spouses and their children. (A rare exception is @AnglicanWatch.)
So, despite fully expecting that most advocates and theologians will not read what I’ve written, because that’s the track record they have shown re my work, I will go on writing about Josh Butler. I’ll be showing why Josh’s Butler’s thesis greatly enables men who abuse their long-term female intimate partners, and I’ll be including notes on my poetic critique of Butler.
I’ll be showing how Beautiful Union recycles Roman Catholic twisting of biblical imagery. I’ll be showing how that twisted imagery eviscerates women who are being abused by their husbands. How “the marriage-bed-Cross that sells women a lemon” holds women in bondage to the false notion that they must suffer their husband’s abuse.
I’m writing for posterity. And for my conscience’s sake.
Discover more from A Cry For Justice
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Powerful words, Barbara, that need to be heard and understood. Although I am now free after decades of Intimate Partner Abuse, I still feel as though no one truly believes me. My husband suffered no consequences, except divorce, which only deprived him of his source of sadistic pleasure.
I had an initial meeting with my new pastor recently and I gave a brief, but well-educated description of my marriage. His response was “I have no experience of what you’re speaking about.” I felt it’s best not to bring it up again. Thankfully I have other sources of support. The thing that makes me angry is, these are the people we expect to face up to human evil. Yet, they’re not doing it. It’s us. The women targeted by wicked men who need an outlet for their own darkness. Like you, Barbara, Don Hennessy’s writing has been a salve to my pain.
I also want to include here something that struck me in the same way. It’s by M. Scott Peck, from his book, “People of the Lie”. Chapter 3, “The Encounter with Evil in Everyday Life”, page 146.
I hope it resonates with you.
[Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]
LikeLiked by 1 person
Auriel,
You wrote (6th June 2023):
That.
And, Auriel, your words, too, are powerful and need to be heard and understood.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Adding on to my own comment of 6th June 2023….
Thank you, Barb, for including the link to the post “I ask that you please keep telling my story so that the truth is known far and wide.”: A final plea from a Protective Mother the day before she took her own life. (The bold in the title of the linked post was done by me.)
From the top of the post “I ask that you please keep telling my story so that the truth is known far and wide.”: A final plea from a Protective Mother the day before she took her own life:
(The word “sic” in brackets was added by me.)
Catherine Youssef Kassenoff’s letter starts part of the way down the page in the post, with the sentence “Dear Friends, Family and Supporters,”….her letter is heartbreaking.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bless you, Auriel! That quote from Scott Peck is wonderful; thank you for sharing it here. I’ve read that quote many times, and I’ve read his book People of the Lie, but I forget to share that quote on social media. I think you’ve helped us all by sharing it here. :)
LikeLike
I’m confused [about] what “post pictures of frivolous worldly things they are doing” means, like if someone starts speaking about abuse they shouldn’t have personal posts anymore or everything they curate can only be for survivors?
Thank you.
LikeLike
Hi Jess, I appreciate you asking for clarification.
In Paul’s day, a lot of personal interaction was face-to-face. That’s how most Christians became aware that a fellow believer was suffering. In Paul’s day you could also hear about a fellow believer’s suffering by letter or messenger, but the reach of communication was nothing like what we have these days. Now that we have the global internet, communication is often instantaneous and when you say something in the public domain of the internet, it can be read by anyone. This poses a big responsibility on those who are advocating for victims of abuse, even if they are doing advocacy only part time or intermittently. If an advocate has said something on the web that survivors of abuse found helpful, those survivors are likely to start paying closer attention to what that advocate is saying on the web. “She said something that helped me, so I’ll follow her on social media!”
I’m not saying that someone who starts speaking about abuse must refrain from making personal posts from then on. I don’t think that everything an advocate posts should be aimed at survivors. But I do say the internet imposes a bigger responsibility on the advocate. If an advocate cares about survivors, she or he needs to be mindful that if she or he posts worldly frivolous things, those posts may make survivors feel more more alone and uncared for.
“All Christians are bound to one another in Christ by the Spirit.” — (That’s a quote from Aaron Hann’s article Cursing Christians [Internet Archive link]. I recommend his article; he discusses how we can use the imprecatory psalms.)
All I’m suggesting is that, in our internet era, those who are choosing to become even part-time advocates need to be mindful of the implicit messages that they may be conveying to the abused.
LikeLike
Barb,
Thank you for the link you provided Jess, to Aaron Hann’s article Cursing Christians? The Role of the Imprecatory Psalms in Christian Advocacy. I enjoyed reading it. 😊
Quoting from Cursing Christians? The Role of the Imprecatory Psalms in Christian Advocacy, to provide food for thought to the reader:
(The phrases “and outside” and “and as the duty of others, not just those “known” as God’s sons and daughters” in brackets were added by me.)
That.
Quoting from Cursing Christians? The Role of the Imprecatory Psalms in Christian Advocacy, to provide food for thought to the reader:
(The phrase “and non-Christian” was added by me.)
That.
LikeLike
These lines stood out to me the most!
I still have the tab open, and plan to go back and read your poem. It was so rich and layered. But it certainly got me thinking, as did this post as well.
It would be WAY too hard and take WAY too much time to comb through the many, many “wackadoodle” things I’ve heard or (ugh) said or thought myself re: intimate relations, sexual or otherwise, but especially sexual. Before and after I got married, but I would have a hard time nailing down which were the most harmful. NOT being married, you are more curious about such things. Being married, you are more committed to such things. There is plenty of damage to be done in both categories. There were so much room for abusiveness to be encouraged and enabled.
They ranged from being clueless, thoughtless, ridiculous or even heartless.
I carried away ONE important perception about sexual intimacy, that often led to confusion, and if not dealt with properly, led to deception: actively and assertively discerning the very real, very relevant differences between ownership of your partner and oneness with your partner. The lines were often blurred, and maybe (or probably) unintentionally so.
Often, cultural norms were presented as Biblical norms. Gender stereotypes were weaponized in the name of “God’s design” or “God’s divine purposes”. Strong words like “submission” and “obedience” were thrown around like confetti to create power imbalances that “prettied up” the abusive experiences of coercion and control.
I was physically and verbally abused by my male parent, which certainly distorted how I viewed my body as a girl and then a woman, and how I thought about my sexuality. It seemed that as a girl, the father had ownership of my body. He could beat me or control my basic movements, As a married woman, your husband now has ownership over your body. If you were a single woman, perhaps you had a little more leverage, but by no means did you ever have full authority over your body. It never fully belonged to you. And this didn’t apply to boys or men. A girl or woman is not capable nor competent to be equally trusted. It was seen as “necessary” for a male figure to be protective of her, but in reality, it was to be possessive over her.
Both my husband and I struggle with chronic pain. From family members to professing Christians this has been the pattern: It is ME, not him, who is treated as if I am defective. As if I must be doing something to have “caused” this. My claims of suffering are not taken seriously, but his are taken as automatically truthful. My experiences are dumbed down and disbelieved, as if it’s not “that” bad, or “that” real or “that” impactful. I have had to (eventually) stomp my foot down to create the necessary boundaries, which usually gets me treated as “rebellious”, while him merely putting his foot down is more easily and naturally respected. I always had self-loathing towards my body, but this kicked it into overdrive, which made it hard to make sound, sensible decisions as to how to manage my chronic pain. I felt so much shame and blame, as if I had to perform and prove something, that it led to me letting others around me tell me what I could and could not handle. There were automatic put downs when I tried to put my foot down. It made me be silent and submissive, as a form of self-punishment.
That is NOT part and parcel of intimate sexual abuse, but it certainly messed me up in terms of how I despised and found my body to be despicable. But here’s another example. I am married, but we have no children. The word “invasive” is not strong enough to describe how many ways, and how many people spoke to me (and NOT my husband) about our “lack of” reproductive intimacy.
Again, not part and parcel of intimate sexual abuse, but I never thought I’d feel so objectified and even “dirty” as a married woman. I felt abnormal, asked when I was going to act and become normal, or specifically, their version of normal, as a woman, but also as a woman of God. And again, I was being punished for my non-functional or dysfunctional body. My husband’s sperm was never discussed as obviously and offensively as my eggs. His body was a temple. Mine was a brothel. How could the Lord think of dwelling in me as equally as in my husband?
I actually appreciate that these comments are moderated before posting, because what I will share next might be “out there,” and I understand if it’s labeled as such.
When we adopted our beagle, obviously taking care of his physical body came with it. It turned out to be a major learning experience on how I viewed human relations, even intimate ones. Here are two examples.
Sometimes on our walks, he’d step on something small and sharp called a “goat head”. And boy does it hurt on his soft paw pads. One time he stepped on one, but it hurt him when I tried to pull it out. So he screamed. When I would NOT pull it out, it hurt him. So he screamed. I’m close to him so he wants me to help him, but in his feeling hurt, he wouldn’t let him get close to him.
Now, if I just said, look I own your body, and I have charge over you, so shut up and just let me do it — I would not be worthy of ownership of him. I was frustrated but I understood his fear. I ended up pulling it out as fast as possible, and he still decided to scream (as if I had done this to him!) No matter. I could not be trusted to care for him, in a way that compromised his trust for me.
The next one involved clipping his nails, which was a terribly fearful and painful ordeal for him. We tried to do it in the comfort of our home, trying to save money and thinking that if it was us (not strangers) who did it, he’d trust that we were doing this FOR him, not TO him. Actually, it was the exact opposite. He viewed it as “beagle betrayal” BECAUSE it was us who were doing this to him. The trust bond, the familial factor, actually worked against us. It mattered not only what was being done to him, but who was doing it to him. I had never understood that how we touched him, spoke to him of how we thought of him.
So this taught me a lot about how I viewed intimacy between people, even and especially sexually. It matters even MORE if it is someone you are intimately connected with, how you both perceive and treat each other’s bodies. Consent is even MORE imperative within a trusting relationship, not forfeited in the name of that trust. The standards should be at their highest when the stakes are at their highest — aka a marital covenant. Yet they are often dumbed down and diminished.
When the Lord speaks of not killing or stealing in the 10 commandments, it is applied to all of humanity, but goodness should it not especially apply to those you call your nearest and dearest? What kind of a husband dares to forfeit one iota of absolutely freely given consensual relations with his wife, in favor of an ego-based entitled dominance over his wife? You are actually forfeiting the point of marriage: real closeness with her in favor of slavery to your male ego. If you are not willing to be trustworthy, you are not entitled to be trusted with, treated with the most personal and precious intimate bond.
LikeLike
Helovesme,
I read (and re-read and re-read) your comment of 14th June 2023….
You wrote:
(The word “are” in brackets was added by me.)
That, except (no offence intended, Helovesme) I would use a different word than “oneness” — the word “oneness” has been twisted to mean many different, negative things, although other people might be OK with the word “oneness”.
You wrote:
(The word “are” in brackets was added by me, and I changed the word “prettied” to the word “pretty.)
You wrote:
(The phrase “and financially, etc.” in brackets was added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
That, but for me in a different sense that you wrote, Helovesme. One result of being sexually abused (raped) by my Dad, starting with the day I was born and continuing until some years later (Omitting details for my safety and protection.) is that my body responded sexually against my will. So I never had “full authority” over my body….which affected my relationship with my covert abuser ex-“husband” and another mostly-covert abuser Christian man I had a short-term relationship with — I’d had every intention of marrying this man until he was overcome by evil (Omitting details for my safety and protection.).
You wrote:
I’m so sorry this happened to you, Helovesme, and I’m sad to say that what you describe is so typical. And I’m so sorry you struggle with chronic pain….and you’re NOT defective.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
No offence to you intended, Helovesme….I just love the way you worded this. 😊
You wrote:
I didn’t find what you wrote “out there”, Helovesme….and as I read (and re-read) your comment, I remembered you commenting here on the ACFJ blog about your beloved fur baby. 😊 I love what you write about your fur baby, the things you’ve learned, and how you’ve applied them elsewhere….sometimes as an analogy, sometimes in other ways.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
LikeLike
Clarifying something I wrote in my comment of 15th June 2023….
I wrote:
I came across a sentence by another commenter (Max) on another blog that helped clarify a “New Ager” negative use of the word “oneness” for me. Perhaps Max’s use of the word “oneness” will help others as well….although not necessarily the same way.
Max wrote:
LikeLike
Hi, Finding Answers, just wanted you quickly let you know, I’ve been reading your responses and they were awesome; I have been thinking a lot about them — they provoked a lot of thoughts! I haven’t had a chance to actually sit and type it all out, but I want to and plan to. Due to my chronic pain, often times sitting for certain lengths of time is overly painful. So I try to parcel out the time at my desk in intervals! Wanted to communicate that and thank you for putting the effort that you make in reading and responding. It is so encouraging and quite a blessing.
LikeLike
Dear Finding Answers,
Your Dad touched you without your consent. Your body responded sexually against your will. That spoke to you about how he thought about you. In effect, he communicated that you had no right to authority over either your body or his body. By making your body do what he wanted it to do — by sexually arousing you against your will — he overtook your body and hijacked your feelings.
Getting a person’s body to sexually respond against their will is a very deep form of betrayal. Paul told the Corinthians that to unite with a prostitute is to become “one flesh” with her, regardless of how “casual” it is to you (or her). What your Dad did was far worse than what takes place in casual sexual intimacy or prostitution.
God brought you to faith at six months of age. If that had not happened, your Dad would have had control of your spirit as well as your body.
As long-time readers here know, the first sexual abuse I suffered was when I was nine and it was a female who sexually abused me. Like you, Finding Answers, my body responded sexually against my will. That tied together fear and sexual arousal in my nervous system (my head brain, my heart brain, and my belly brain). I cannot imagine what that would have been like if it had taken place in the first day of my life. It would have been much worse than what happened to me when I was nine.
I’m trying to put words to a tentative insight I’m having. This is my first attempt at putting it into words. Trigger warning — I hope my words don’t trigger anyone.
The hijacking of the victim’s body’s sexual response is, in some creepy way, a malicious inversion and debasement of the “one flesh” metaphor in the Bible.
LikeLike
Barb,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply of 23rd June 2023….you gave me much to think about.
You wrote:
(The phrase “and every other boy and man in my life” and the word “sexually” in brackets were added by me.)
That. And when I use the phrase “and every other boy and man in my life”, I’m not referring to casual relationships, work relationships, etc.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
If I hadn’t been baptized and saved when I was six months old, I’d have ended up belonging to Satan….unless something Paul-on-the-road-to-Damascus-like happened to me later in life. Either that or I’d have been physically dead.
You wrote:
No offence intended, Barb, and not to diminish your experience….maybe it’s a REALLY good thing you can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if you’d been sexually abused by a female on the day you were physically born instead of at nine years old.
You wrote:
I think I understand what you mean with your tentative insight, Barb. And I’m having difficulty finding the words to express myself accurately. Perhaps your tentative insight might be written (paraphrasing): The person has no choice in being made “one flesh”, the person is “made” “one flesh”. Does my paraphrasing of your tentative insight make sense?
And no, your words didn’t trigger me. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just quickly wanted to thank the M. Scott Peck quoter! I liked it a LOT; it unpacked a lot to chew on for sure. I think we could probably muse and meditate for a LONG time to dig into its many layers.
But this line won’t take too long to dissect:
That is such a hopeful message! Every now and then we need reminders as to WHY we talk about our traumas, attempt to unload and understand what we (and others) went through. It doesn’t just help to talk about our heavy burdens, it heals us to be rid of even a small portion of that heaviness.
LikeLike
Helovesme,
You wrote (18th June 2023):
That.
LikeLike
You wrote:
No offense taken! In fact, I’d never thought of it that way until you pointed it out, and I think that is incredibly valid. I can only hope I did not unintentionally trigger you or anyone else. Paul told the Corinthians that there is no such thing as “casual sexual intimacy”. To unite with a prostitute IS becoming “one” with her, regardless of how “casual” it is to you (or her).
When we are sexually abused / assaulted, there is a terrible, tragic “oneness” that is part and parcel of the trauma. You added more thoughts on it in a separate comment, which were fantastic btw. I gave it more thought and perhaps the word “togetherness” is a better word than “oneness”. When two people go on a date or run errands together, hopefully you don’t spend the entire time separately! Hopefully being together means being with each other, mutually.
Thank you for sharing the unthinkable trauma you endured, especially that it started as an infant. I cannot grasp such horrors.
Thank you so much, so VERY much for the compassionate words about chronic pain, and for telling me that I am not “defective”. Even though I’m at a bit of a better place in accepting and adjusting to the state of my health, words like that are so helpful.
Chronic pain bears some resemblances to abusive pain in that the scars don’t tend to show on the outside. And both pains are hard to describe in words, hard to be taken seriously when someone “looks” normal but is really suffering badly. And I try to keep my pain invisible in public; I try to keep it private as much as possible. And I still struggle with the shame and stigma; trying to set proper limits because my body simply cannot be told “no pain, no gain!” My body can only be pushed so far, and it should not be treated as an enemy simply because it is frail, and fragile.
Words cannot describe the kind words about my fur baby. This has been such a warm and welcoming place for me to share the lessons I learned. The people around me at the time downplayed his value, even after he was gone. Adopting that tornado of fur was NOT in my plan, but I would not be who I am without him. I can honestly hear the Lord saying: “never saw that coming, did you?” And I can honestly say: “no, never!”
(Breaking up my comment into two pieces for easier reading!)
LikeLike
Helovesme,
You wrote (19th June 2023):
No, you didn’t trigger me. 😊
You wrote:
I agree. 😊 I hadn’t thought of using the word “togetherness” as a replacement for the word “oneness”.
You wrote:
(The phrase “physically or non-physically” in brackets was added by me.)
That. Being together in the sense of companionship….fully present to each other, although that doesn’t mean excluding others. Companionship, not “companionship”.
You wrote:
Thank you for that, Helovesme….I needed to hear it.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
I’ve gotten much better at not keeping my pain private, even if it means only talking out loud to myself….and when I’m talking out loud to myself (no matter what the reason is), it almost always means I’m talking to, and sharing with, Jesus. Companionship….togetherness.
You wrote:
I’m so sorry you still struggle with shame and stigma, Helovesme….you’re setting boundaries….and many times other people don’t like it when someone (in this case, you) sets boundaries, so they do whatever they can to ensure they dump their own shame and guilt on you.
You wrote:
And I’ll reply to the second part of your comment in another comment to make my replying easier. 😊
LikeLike
Wanted to thank you for your initial response to my first comment!
And to quickly apologize for a mistake I made: When I wrote “Confusion gave way to compliancy about the movie, however.” I meant to write complacency, not compliancy. They aren’t too far apart, but I had wanted to suggest the dangers of what I was guilty of: “thoughtlessness.” A person has to decisively desire to and decide to put real thought into something. I didn’t do that for years, about a great deal of things.
When you’ve been victimized, one thing I don’t know if it is discussed much is how tiring it is. Tiresome to the mind and the body and the soul. The stress it causes, the exhaustion from carrying all that stress that never goes away, but it only added to, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.
When we think of abuse “survivors,” we rightly admire them, but the word “strong” would not apply to how I experienced it personally (keep in mind this is MY testimony alone). For me, I found the daily grind of surviving abuse to have left me feeling very fragile, somewhat numbed from needing to be mega-alert, never able to fully relax. If you give yourself permission to not be so super guarded, that is usually when you are blindsided with some form of attack. So you always had to be ready for anything: not only to deal with it, but also how to defend yourself from it.
I was so tired from struggling and scheming and stressing, just to make it through whatever had been inflicted on me. And trying to figure out how to respond (or not respond) to abuse, in order to minimize even an iota of its agony.
So digging into all of these delicate subjects takes real effort that understandably, you don’t have real energy for. Not until you are at a decent place in life. The comments I wrote on this page probably took about a week to really formulate, but some of it had been brewing for awhile, so that helped!
Anyway, much longer explanation than necessary to describe a small editing error!
LikeLike
Helovesme,
You wrote (20th June 2023):
Complacency does make more sense. Thank you for taking the time to write a clarification. 😊
You wrote:
(The words “that isn’t” in brackets were added by me.)
That. The discussions tend to be limited in time (others get tired of listening, don’t want to listen, etc.), or limited to specific places such as some kinds of blogs, specific posts on a blog, perhaps some specific support groups, some kinds of counselling or doctor’s appointments, etc.
You wrote:
I’m so sorry, Helovesme. Hopefully your hyper-vigilance will decrease and you’ll be able to relax.
You wrote:
Not to diminish you or what you wrote, Helovesme….your words reflect the story of so many other victims and survivors.
You wrote:
Thank you for writing your comments, Helovesme….I’m sure others who will benefit from them. 😊 I know I did. 😊
LikeLike
Wanted to thank you for your responses and your encouragements! I also read Barb’s response and yours, and I thought both were wonderfully written.
This is the first place where I found an actual definition for “abuse”. I try to point others to this page when and where applicable, because how can you capably defeat something that you have not yet clearly defined?
Perhaps we should also consider creating a clear cut definition of “betrayal”. At its heart, abuse is not only murder, but it is also betrayal. Most of us are well aware of who traumatized us. It was someone who betrayed our trust and / or betrayed us in our state of vulnerability.
Christ Himself was betrayed by one of His own, but it was technically not a “family member”. Not a parent or a partner. There are times I wonder if there are those that think: He was “betrayed” by non-relatives, His disciples. Judas betrayed Him by singling that he knew Him, with an expression of affection. Peter betrayed Him by denying that he ever knew Him at all, with no expression of attention. Are those REALLY betrayals? They were bad, but are they really “that” bad?
Victims are often told to not take abuse so “personally”, or “seriously”. Victims calling it betrayal only adds fuel to that fire, I am sure. But to be betrayed by the abuser, then told it was not only NOT abuse, but that it is NOT betrayal, only adds fuel to our fires. The acts of abuse were not really abuse, and the abuser is not a betrayer.
It is as if WE are betraying the abuser’s trust, right? I was never told by my abusers to not talk about it, but somehow it was understood. They are the parents. They can express that their children are causing them pain, thereby justifying their abuse. But the children can never express being caused such pain, or we are thereby inviting more abuse. My abusers were supposed to protect me, but instead I needed to be protected from them. They were not compelled by love to protect me, but I was the one who felt coerced by fear to protect them. A child does know how to emotionally take care of adults; a child’s ego is legitimately frail. But I was constantly aware that the the adult (especially male) egos were infinitely frail. The child that I was had to sacrifice forming a healthy ego in order to maintain the already formed unhealthy ego of the adults.
I was badly bullied in school by my peers, but even there it was understood that you do not go running off to the adults, or even expect help from your other peers. I actually did speak to a guidance counselor a few times because it was so bad, but I was afraid of the adults betraying my trust and adding to the already unbearable trauma. Or that they’d tell my parents, which was unthinkable. I especially wished so badly that my peers or teachers would step in to help me, but they never did. Bystanders acted like I did not exist. Regardless of age, it seems like there is an unwritten “code of silence” that is somehow understood, wordlessly enforced. I am still attempting to unpack the “weirdness” and “backwardness” that I lived through. To this day, I do no know how I survived it all. There was literally no safe place for me as a child.
I’ve experienced abusiveness in my adult life, among professing Christians, that was eerily similar to what I lived with as a child, but as an adult I remember feeling just as helpless, just as powerless. There were bystanders who knew, revilers who escaped unharmed, and worst of all — I had no idea who I could and could not trust. I would try to “hint” that I was in real pain, but I could not find simple encouragement.
Perhaps that is the hardest part: not knowing who you can and cannot trust! Or more precisely, I so badly wanted to trust certain persons, but was fairly certain that they were not to be trusted. Not knowing for sure, however, is torturous. You are scared to try to trust, so scared NOT to try to trust. Additional betrayals, no matter how seemingly small, only sap your limited strength. I felt like a “freak” in a circus sideshow. Everyone is watching me, ready to define (or redefine) my movements as “freakish” so they could justify mocking me with sounds, or with silence. But who exactly put me in that cage in the first place? How did I get to this place?
As I’ve said before, I learned way more than I ever imagined, by adopting our beagle. I coined the expression “beagle betrayal” with absolutely no humor attached to it, because it was no laughing matter. There were certain ways that he truly felt his trust was being betrayed. They may have seemed minimal to us, but it wasn’t to him. And the expression is so true: it is the so-called “little things” that matter so much, mean the most. You take them seriously if you expect your trust to be taken seriously.
Reading or listening to abuse testimonies helps me break down what it means, what it feels like, what it looks like — to be “broken down” by betrayal. The more I abide in the Lord, and He in me, the more I learn, the more He teaches. After all, He intimately, thoroughly knows about betrayal Himself. I honestly think it is something I consistently overlook when crying over betrayals — I am crying out to the One who really does know its pain.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Helovesme,
I have read (and re-read) your comment of 26th June 2023….I read all your comments more than once. 😊
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
(The phrase “they (the children)” in brackets was added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
I’m glad you survived. 😊
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
(The name “Jesus Christ” in brackets was added by me.)
That.
LikeLike
Wanted to quickly just thank you for your positive feedback and perseverance in reading AND re-reading AND responding as you do to the comments! And certainly not just mine. Just being recognized brings lots of refreshing to the soul, and I am sure you have done plenty of that with your warmth!
LikeLiked by 1 person
How we think of intimacy (I think) is taught to us from the time we are born. Even though I personally do not remember if I was cradled or cuddled with as an infant, I think it has the power to determine something about how we turn out.
Years ago, A Cry For Justice posted a story on Facebook involving a commercial for dish liquid. For me, it was so good to be able to discuss what kind of an impact the media — from advertisements to entertainments — have on us. During ALL stages of our lives, but especially when we are young (or younger).
Back to my fur baby, I noticed how he would observe and subsequently adjust to the different environments he was in. This was mainly reactionary; trying to understand the world around him, not necessarily trying to change it — just learn about it. He was incredibly curious; used his senses (especially his nose!) to diagnose and discern.
This was similar to how I tried to navigate the world as a child. You are born into a world you have to live in, so you try to learn what it is and what it isn’t, not necessarily what it should and shouldn’t be.
I described the abuse I endured as a child because that formed the building blocks of how I functioned. I saw movies and TV shows, or read in books, loving families, but without personal experience, it was like such things existed in another world.
Since a girl can start menstruating as early as 9 years old, it’s important to educate them early on. But in my world (and my generation I think), that wasn’t the case. The words “sex education” seemed dirty just because it included the word “sex”. But leaving us ignorant left us open to be improperly, even dangerously educated by whatever we encountered on TV or in movies, or from talking amongst ourselves.
The best example I can offer is when a movie called “Sixteen Candles” came out. It was supposed to be comedic and geared to (I’d say) young teenagers, which I was at the time. But it communicated some of the worst and wrongest views on youth, sexuality, how to treat both genders, and promoted “rape culture”. It absolutely preyed on the ignorant and innocent (regardless of age), unless you were properly trained to know to be disgusted with the themes it promoted and projected as “normal”.
Bear in mind my age in both immaturity and inexperience, when I watched that movie multiple times, I was both confused and horrified. Did this reflect the real world? Should I “adjust” my inner programming accordingly? I wasn’t at the point where I wondered: SHOULD it be this way? I didn’t get the sense that the movie was communicating otherwise. But when no one you can trust tells you about anything, you tend to trust anything that anyone tells you. That movie was made by total strangers; why would I trust them? But that was all I had to go by.
I’ll give one example from the movie, try to keep it tame so as not to trigger anyone. The main male character, a handsome senior, is talking to a geeky freshman about his long term girlfriend who is passed out (from drinking) in his room. He casually says that he could violate her in multiple ways, to which he is casually asked: why don’t you? The reply is that he wants a loving relationship, not a superficial prom queen who parties and drinks too much.
If this was taken seriously, truthfully — this is no doubt helping to create a foundation for intimate partner sexual abuse. Not only to engage in it, but to enable and encourage it, and to believe he is entitled to it. No one, even but especially in a committed relationship, should ever, ever engage in sexual intimacy with their partner when they are unable to give informed consent.
The handsome senior is treated as the ultimate “catch”; the main female character has a mad crush on him, and against all odds, ends up with him. He chooses to like the most unlikely choice. The audience is supposed to cheer at this (and probably did). To the ones that don’t feel special, they really are more special than they seem.
Confusion gave way to compliancy about the movie, however. I had to give it a lot of real thought to actively conclude that that handsome senior should not be admired, nor held as the unattainable yet attainable companion. Regardless of his vulnerable desire to be in a real relationship, you have no right to even suggest treating your current girlfriend’s vulnerability like a piece of merchandise, and then try to justify it because she isn’t what you want her to be as a person.
I described lack of a fully functional body to articulate how hard it is, even as especially as a professing Christian woman, to not be treated as and see yourself as a real work of the Lord. Those who call themselves conservative, Christian or simply religious would likely and rightly frown on the movie I described. But for perhaps not ALL the right reasons. They may shun and slam certain vulgarities, but how often do those very people emulate the deplorable beliefs and behaviors that are just as vulgar, especially when they come to how we view and treat each other? How we view relational and / or sexual intimacy?
No matter how old we are now, or how young we were then, it is always good to find a place to start in order to right a lot of our wrongs, and go from there. As Christians, we are supposed to be in the world, not of the world. But the world’s influences are very much alive and kicking around us, and merely removing ourselves from them isn’t always enough. If we don’t know that we have to fight back, they will conquer us. They will control us (at least more than we want to admit!).
LikeLike
Helovesme,
You wrote (19th June 2023):
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
😊
You wrote:
(The words “people try” in brackets were added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
(The phrases “or sometimes earlier” and “or from what we read” in brackets were added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
(The words “companion’s”, “they aren’t”, and “them” in brackets were added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
(The word “People” in brackets was added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
That.
LikeLike
Just now, I spent a quality amount of time reading each comment. I had avoided the risk of trigger until now. In this time, I have become aware of the abuse I experienced from the boyfriend who eventually became my spouse.
The healing journey is so very long, just as the abuse journey (experience) was so long, beginning at age four. No wonder, 15 years post divorce, I just realized how much hatred I still feel for my ex. He became my perpetrator in my teens and explained why we had better get married before I got pregnant like our church friends had to….
He is the minister that I helped get through his education and his career. He is the man that many still hold friendship with, during his second marriage, to a lady who was a parishioner in our church at one time and a friend of mine.
I don’t think he’s ever confessed his sexual manipulations to anyone and I doubt anyone would reject him now for it. He is still a minister. Ministers are held in a different class. They are held in higher regard than humans are held.
LikeLike
Seeing Clearly,
I’m intentionally omitting Bible quotations in my reply to you, as I don’t want to risk triggering you.
You wrote (26th July 2023):
That.
You wrote:
I’m so sorry, Seeing Clearly, and I’m not in any way devaluing you, discounting you or your experience, nor am I intending this as a comparison — your experience is so common (helping a spouse get through education, helping them with their career, the spouse keeps some or all of the friends, etc.).
You wrote:
(The words “minister ex-husband” in brackets were added by me.)
Seeing Clearly, your minister ex-husband is evidently a “minister”, not a minister, and he was evidently a “husband”, not a husband. And you’re right, ministers are held in a different class….”ministers” are frequently held in higher regard than humans are held, in part because they (the “minister”) often see themselves as God, or at least as His equal. Ministers, on the other hand don’t see themselves as God, nor do they see themselves as His equal. The same can be said of husbands — “husbands” often see themselves as husbands (not “husbands”) and as God, while husbands see themselves as husbands (not “husbands”) and not as God.
LikeLike