Barbara Roberts ♦ 26th October 2021 ♦ 2 Comments
Most abusers claim to be victims. This is one of the reasons why genuine victims are often disbelieved when they disclose the abuse. When both spouses are claiming to be victims, church leaders often find it hard to tell who is lying. It’s a dilemma for the church leaders, and it’s devastating for the genuine …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 7th August 2019 ♦ 2 Comments
Trigger warning. She was tripping along the woodland path, picking flowers. What a beautiful yellow flower! Its warm yellow color reminds me of how God forgives us for our sins, and how we are to forgive others! I’ll pick it for Grandma. And what lovely pink flowers! Look at how they grow in clumps, and …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 16th December 2018 ♦ 60 Comments
[August 15, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] Some survivors of abuse make the decision that it is not wise to spend Christmas with family. Others predetermine strict boundaries about how and where they will participate in …
Guest ♦ 15th January 2016 ♦ 6 Comments
Viewing coercive control as just one more manifestation of domestic abuse is to utterly misunderstand what is happening in a victim’s life, says Jane Monckton-Smith [Internet Archive link], senior lecturer in criminology and an expert in coercive control at the university of Gloucestershire. She argues that coercion and control are the very heart of how …
twbtc ♦ 25th September 2014 ♦ 34 Comments
Two Important Types of Aggression Two of the most fundamental types of fighting. . . are overt and covert aggression. When you’re determined to have your way or gain advantage and you’re open, direct, and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you’re out to “win”, get …
deborahmom ♦ 7th April 2014 ♦ 19 Comments
In the quiet of the sleepy morning, I find myself, as I often do, on the bottom of the stairs in my home, cuddling my two kids, who are triggering and on high alert. I often am too, in the mornings. The three of us are afraid a lot at that time of day. My …
The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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