Barbara Roberts ♦ 28th August 2019 ♦ 15 Comments
Australia is not the only place where children are being forced to have contact with abusers by the legal system. Caution: For some readers, some of the linked articles may be triggering. What is the so-called evangelical church doing about any of this? I answer that ^ question at the bottom of this post. I …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 12th August 2019 ♦ 34 Comments
“Blood is thicker than water” is often used to coerce victims of abuse to comply with the sinful beliefs and behaviour patterns within a family system. It is used to intimidate and extract loyalty from a member of the family whose conscience is more active and biblically guided than the rest of the family – …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 22nd April 2019 ♦ 34 Comments
The tangled mess of mistaken notions about the doctrine of divorce is truly a gigantic knot. It takes a lot of untying to get it correct. And most professing Christians, in my observation, are still carrying around at least one but probably several false notions about divorce doctrine. The false notions prop each other up …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 1st January 2019 ♦ 4 Comments
A reader says: I am a post-divorce survivor of domestic violence. My family have grown and changed a lot along with me through this process… from being unwitting allies of my X, to now maintaining no contact and helping me escape from my abuser. My kids have to have regular visitation with their Dad by …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 4th July 2018 ♦ 12 Comments
Here are the helpful things Chris Moles is saying to the visible church: He has a pretty good definition of domestic abuse. He dispels some of the myths about domestic abuse. He describes the tactics used by abusive men. He understands the impact on children. He gives some good advice to pastors and counselors. He …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 26th June 2018 ♦ 6 Comments
In her sentencing remarks to Larry Nassar, Judge Aquilina quoted statistics about child sexual assault from US Dept of Justice. Before their 18th birthday– 1 in 10 kids in the USA will be sexually assaulted 1 in 7 girls will be sexually assaulted 1 in 25 boys will be sexually assaulted There is no reason …
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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