Barbara Roberts ♦ 26th September 2019 ♦ 7 Comments
[June 24, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] This is part 1 of a 7 part series on Spiritual Blindness and Deception. Are abusers spiritually blind? (Or psychologically blind, which is pretty much the same thing.) Are …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 24th August 2018 ♦ 41 Comments
[April 12, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] Have you acted the buffoon at one time or another? I have. But how many domestic abuse professionals act the buffoon at batterer intervention conferences? ….let alone be such drongos as …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 20th May 2018 ♦ 32 Comments
If a brother or a sister is without proper clothing, or destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, Depart in peace; may God send you warmth and food – and notwithstanding, you do not give them those things that are needful to the body, what help is it? Pure devotion, and …
twbtc ♦ 29th January 2018 ♦ 32 Comments
I let him abuse me to keep him from abusing me. The problem with fundamentalist Christian culture isn’t that it doesn’t teach rape is wrong, but that it doesn’t know what rape actually is. Fundamentalist Christian culture taught me that if it wasn’t violent or you didn’t cry for help, that wasn’t rape, that was …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 23rd November 2017 ♦ 6 Comments
Women who were married to abusive priests and pastors are for the first time revealing their experiences of sexual assault, control and fear. They say the church has known for decades that some clergy abuse their wives but has done very little to fix the ongoing problem. Raped, tracked, humiliated: Clergy wives speak out about …
Guest ♦ 11th December 2015 ♦ 13 Comments
Final post of three-part series by our reader ‘Still Reforming’ Someone told to me early on in the process of divorcing my abuser that you have to trust the professional with whom you are working. As I moved through the process, I trusted my attorneys less and less – for good reasons – but it seemed …
The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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