I loved the way he lied. But not anymore.
Lyrics of the song Love the Way You Lie [This link is broken and there is no replacement. Editors.] (Trigger warning. Language warning.)
That song. I remember loving and hating it when it came out. We were living far from family, far from my support system and I felt trapped. But I learned how strong I really could be in that situation.
I had a dream about X last night. He was sorry. In my dream he sent an email that was sweet. The dream seemed so real that I checked my email when I woke up. Those are the worst dreams. I hate them.
I loved the way he lied. His words were so smooth, so soothing. He could seem so vulnerable and sincere. He might’ve even believed his own lies. I don’t know, but now I know, I KNOW, that the man I loved wasn’t real. It was only a lie, an image he conjured up to make life bearable — for both of us. His lies would offer me just enough hope to get me through the day and buy him just enough power to stay in control.
The soft soothing sincere X never lasted. Once he was back in control, the nice guy evaporated and I was still there trying desperately to keep the nice guy there, trying to make him laugh, trying to keep things just the way he liked them so he would not turn into the mean guy, the angry guy.
Now, with God’s help I can spot the lies much better. And I don’t burn for X anymore. And I no longer yearn for his lies.
I made him laugh last Saturday and now he’s being nice. I sent him an amusing text because I was embarrassed about a mistake I’d made. I shouldn’t have sent the funny text. It was a stupid mistake. And it’s what caused the dumb dream last night. I woke up thinking that I could entertain X, I could placate him, I could make us tolerable… but his soul is more precious to God than that. I was making him comfortable in his filth. It was killing his spirit and I was making him comfortable because I loved him and for my own profit, because I liked where we lived and the power that I pretended to have as his wife. It was all a lie. And I don’t love it anymore.
God’s ways are better, so much better. The peace I have is so much better than the fake peace treaties he offered up so that we could both pretend to look good. No more.
Additional note from Barb: Lundy Bancroft brilliantly dissects the song Love The Way You Lie in his video presentation Part 4 of Domestic Violence in Popular Culture (YouTube). Trigger warning: Lundy’s presentation shows segments of the music video that was made for the song, and that music video portrays graphic domestic violence assaults and intimidation.