Abusers’ Addiction To the Upper Hand
My husband, David (who is a pastor), told me a story yesterday about a man at an elder/deacon board meeting at a church a few years back. The meeting was an effort to unite the congregation and staff and create a mission statement and vision for the church. At one point, during an endless talk about every minute detail, one of the elders spoke up and questioned, “Why don’t we allow the pastors to create a vision for the church? I mean, let’s trust them with this!” Right then, a very angry board member slammed his fist down onto the table and said, “THEN WHO WILL WIN?! No, we are NOT taking away the leadership from the LAY PEOPLE!!!” The man went on and on for a bit and then there was an awkward silence. The rest of the people at the meeting were slayed. This angry man revealed his heart right then and there. No one wanted to take anything away from anyone. But, to this man, this was not about Church. This was not a unified church effort to him . . . this was a war. And he wanted to win.
George Simon speaks of disturbed characters as “fighters”. Not warriors in the sense that they are fighting for some sort of common good or for their survival. Abusers see all of life as a fight — a fight to win, a fight to get their way and a fight against normal expectations of society:
. . . the disturbed character is making excuses (rationalizing), blaming others (scape-goating), it is absolutely essential to remember that he is primarily fighting. When you confront a disordered character about a harmful behavior, he is fully aware of the pro-social principle at stake. He’s likely heard the principle espoused several times and from several sources. (George K. Simon Ph.D.. Character Disturbance: the phenomenon of our age Kindle Locations 1735-1737).
Abusers, high conflict personalities and disturbed characters all put people into two categories: those above them and those beneath them. Nothing is mutual. It is part of why they love the patriarchy movement so much! And, for the seasoned abuser, every person in their path is a chance to dominate. It is a struggle for the upper-hand . . . one-upmanship . . . they want to win.
So . . . whenever a person gives themselves away with such language, you know you are dealing with a personality that wants to destroy. The truth is, these abusive personalities know and understand what they are doing and they generally (listen to this!) do not want to change. It is much easier to just continue to aggress against the universe. It is the way of the Enemy! It puts self in the driver’s seat. It is the age-old problem.
The answer to the problem of controlling people is always freedom in Christ. We always have freedom in Christ. Unfortunately, abusers do not see this, understand this nor want this. And, because they are shackled, they want to shackle others. The only thing we can do is to try to keep the shackles from mere man off of ourselves. Press on, as freemen who are also bondservants to only one — the Christ who died for us.