A plea to egalitarian academics and advocates in Christendom

As Christians we are all called to prioritise the needs of widows and orphans. Abused wives are the equivalent of widows.

Sandra Glahn says the Greek word for ‘widow’ was broad enough to include divorcees.

In Christian spaces, abused wives often endure more suffering than widows. Widows are bereaved and alone, but abused wives suffer not only grief and loneliness but institutional betrayal. The betrayal is systemic because churches, family courts, child protection systems and governments are all empowering abusive men to continue abusing the target women and their children post-separation and post-divorce. (This is not the case in all churches, but it is the case in many, including egalitarian ones. And in the vast majority of cases where an abusive father and a protective mother are battling over custody and visitation, family courts are empowering abusive fathers.)

Children whose fathers are abusing their mothers are like orphans. It’s worse than having no father, because the father they have is actively sabotaging their mother’s ability to protect and care for her children.

The way that family courts are empowering abusive fathers is almost never discussed in churches or among Christians who are exposing abuse. Everyone in church says “Domestic abuse is wrong!” But few want to learn how abused wives and their children are being systemically abused by the courts and other government bodies. They shut their ears because it’s too hard to hear.

Yes, some husbands are abused by their wives,¹  but it’s a distraction to bring that up when the vast majority of protective parents are women. Dr Karen Mitchell says there are more men than women that are predators.

She also says there more male predators, and more female targets.

Male intimate abuse

In this post I’m using the term ‘male intimate abuse’ to mean husbands abusing their wives and men abusing their female intimate partners.

There are egalitarian academics, writers, podcasters and victim-advocates who are exposing the errors of hierarchical complementarian theology and practice. They are making the biblical case that women ought not be excluded from being pastors and elders, that women can teach and preach to men. They’ve also been exposing and untangling the theological knots and unjust practices which have enabled abusers to thrive in Churchianity.

But when they discuss abuse, they’re focusing on the epidemics of

1. clergy sexually abusing adult congregants (adult clergy sexual misconduct, ACSM)
2. church leaders and church members sexually abusing minors (CSA)
3. spiritual abuse by church leaders and denominations
4. systemic injustices that flow from presumptions about male privilege and white colonialism in churchianity.

They’re untangling and eradicating the theological knots and unjust practices which feed the types of abuse I listed in the four points above.

Do they think their efforts will fully untangle the knots which feed male intimate abuse in churchianity? In my opinion it would be naive to think that.

I know those four types of abuse are horrific.

But is it fair to be giving them so much focus while relatively little focus is being given to challenging and correcting the doctrines and practices that have enabled abusive husbands to cruelly exploit and hurt their wives and their children?

For decades I’ve analysed doctrines and practices that empower domestic abusers in churches, and spiritually entrap their victims. My work has gone largely unheeded. I believe I’m being ignored or actively shadow banned by most of the folks who are advocating for egalitarian justice within a biblical framework. They don’t consult me, yet I have decades of lived experience as a victim, a survivor, an unpaid educator and an advocate for other victims.

Adult male perpetration of domestic abuse is the Cinderella in the sub-types of abuse

As far as I can tell, most egalitarian leaders and content creators are giving very little attention to exegeting scripture to show that the Bible allows a victim of domestic abuse to divorce her abuser without incurring any sin. And most of them are not addressing what the Bible teaches about church discipline for domestic abusers.

Egalitarian academics and advocates have been writing about individual cases of wife abuse. But the vast majority of them only discuss male intimate abuse when they’re recounting or platforming an abused wife’s story. They haven’t been giving in-depth theological attention to the theological presumptions, misinterpretations, and mistranslations of scripture that empower men to abuse their wives.

 

 

Turning the tide of male intimate abuse in Christian spaces

There are theological knots and cultural customs and practices which feed male intimate abuse in churchianity. What is needed to turn the tide?

Exegeting scripture to show that hierarchical male authority over women is unbiblical is important, but it’s not enough.

Showing that scripture says submission should be go both ways (women to men, and men to women) is important, but it won’t be enough to turn the tide.

Nor will the status quo be altered much by showing that the Bible allows women to be church leaders, pastors, preachers, elders, bishops, [insert label of your choice]. Having female church leaders is no guarantee that a church will discern male intimate abusers, hold them fully accountable, and fully vindicate and protect abused wives.

Male intimate abuse won’t be reduced by having safeguarding protocols in churches that guard against child sexual abuse (CSA) and adult clergy sexual misconduct (ACSM).

And it’s naive to think male intimate abuse in churchianity will be reduced by running awareness-raising projects which give the impression that the dynamics of all the sub-types of abuse are the same.

When all the sub-types of abuse in churchianity are collapsed into one project, what usually happens is that child abuse and adult clergy sexual misconduct take centre stage, the spiritual abuse of same-sex-attracted people often gets a big spot on the stage, and racial abuse might get a cameo part. But abused wives are left in the wings unless they’re trotted out to give a few tips for how to support abused wives, and then the audience is instructed to treat them with kid gloves in case the abused wives get triggered — which to my mind intensifies the stigma that target women already feel. In my observation, the warning about triggering seems more to protect the audience! (God forbid the audience’s conscience being pricked when a target woman talks about how the church leaders, academics, and people in the pews mistreated her!)

I’ve even seen an egalitarian organisation using an abused wife’s story as a hook for a fundraising appeal. “Cynthia was being abused by her husband but when she read our articles about submission being mutual, she realised she didn’t have to put up with abuse. To help abused women, make a donation to us today!”

Yes, I’m cynical: I’ve seen Christian projects about domestic abuse be watered down and displaced by all these things.

Most egalitarian academics and advocates bend over backwards to virtue-signal how good they are at understanding abuse and supporting victims. But very few of them seem to be asking themselves questions like —

• “Are we talking down to abused wives because we believe we’re the experts on their plight?”
• “Are we being presumptuous in telling abused wives that we have the theological answers to their dilemma?”
• “Have we asked abused wives what theological dilemmas, social stigmas, and institutional betrayals they are suffering?”
• “Have we humbly asked abused wives whether we are sufficiently untangling the theological and social problems that they’re facing?”
• “Are we open to critical feedback and suggestions from abused wives who have become activists and advocates?”

Understanding male intimate abuse is a quantum leap up from understanding other types of abuse.

Using language that exposes the male intimate abuser’s malevolent intention and deviousness is a skill and mindset that most academics and advocates don’t yet have.

Using language that honours and elucidates the target woman’s resistance to abuse is a skill that most academics and advocates don’t yet have — and it hasn’t even dawned on them that they might benefit from learning it. (To learn this skill, see link at the bottom of this post.)

The plexiglass screen

Academics live behind the plexiglass screen of academia and set their platforms so that I can’t comment on their work. They tend only to use academic databases when searching for articles, and since I haven’t got a Masters or PhD and haven’t published in academic journals, they don’t see my work. If academics know I exist, they don’t consider me someone with whom they could have deep fruitful theological dialogue.

I couldn’t get academic quals in theology because I was too busy fighting the family court and dealing with the traumas it caused: it compelled me to hand my daughter over to the abuser every fortnight, which didn’t end well (understatement). I don’t write about that because I don’t want him to sue me and I don’t want more scorn from my family of origin. I was also busy writing my book and supporting hundreds of abused wives (and a few abused husbands) who have visited my blog. In the world of evangelical academia, my decades of lived experience don’t count for much.

As would be expected, complementarian leaders have tended to ignore my work.²

But it’s profoundly disappointing that most egalitarian leaders are ignoring my work.

I lack conversational partners from all streams of Christianity, and all classes of advocates and educators. I know they are busy. (Aren’t we all?) But what happened to fairness and prioritising the needs of widows and orphans?

Another enormous problem which get far too little attention from egalitarian advocates and academics.

There are networks of predators in churches who are organising the trafficking of children and young adults to other predators. These networks are connected to and intertwined with the conscience-deficient professionals who work in and adjacent to the family court and child protection system (CPS) to empower abusive fathers. Name me some Christian advocates and academics who are talking about this problem!

Endnotes

1. See my FAQ Do you have resources for male victims?

2. Occasionally complementarian pastors have told me they’ve given a copy of my book to women who were abused by their husbands — but when I ask them whether they recommend my book to their clergy peers, a look of shocked indignation comes on their faces. They’re obviously affronted at my temerity: the walls go up, and I’m treated coldly from then on. If I know a complementarian leader has a copy of my book, I ask him, “How much of it have you read?” and he usually hedges. It’s fine to put it on the shelf, but heaven forbid he recommend it to his peers. Or that he enter into respectful theological debate with me about the points he may disagree with.

Further Reading

Non-Negotiables for Effective and Biblical Abuse Ministry

From Support to Protection — by Don Hennessy. We Need to Protect the Target Woman and Sanction her Abuser

Christian organisations are very likely to be infiltrated by evildoers

Honouring Resistance: How Women Resist Abuse in Intimate Relationships

The Colonial Code of Relationship

Society has been hoodwinked by men who abuse their female intimate partners