A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

A male survivor’s story — by Friend in Need from Europe

Many many years ago.

My father in law started to think and say that there was an angry mob out there who wanted to chase his family, abduct or poison them. As he used to be a physician his children, including my wife, eventually started to believe him. He was well in his 60s, so I thought that his age had got the better of him. However his stories became believable to my wife.

Father-in-law also presented several urine samples of his youngest child which were found positive to rat poison. Later, much later, it turned out that the level of poison was high enough to kill an elephant so they had suspicion that the samples had been tampered with. My wife became worried and had not slept in a number of days. So she became fearful and went eventually haywire during one night. I rushed her to the doctor the next day, then to the psychiatrist who gave her an anti-psychotic drug. The next day she was a bit better. I had taken the children to their swimming lessons. As I came back my father- and mother-in-law were at my house and my wife was weeping.

Her father asked her if she wanted to come home with him and he would take care of her. I gave him the medicine and they went on their way. After three days he called our family doctor and said that he had altered the strategy, and had chosen to put her in a deep sleep rather than use the anti-psychotic drug. I had spoken to him on the phone and he told me that she was speaking gibberish, singing nursery rimes and kept on undressing herself. His diagnosis: poison. We took her to hospital where I got one of the most fearful frights I’ve ever received, she was indeed singing nursery rhymes, and however many times  we dressed her, she took it off and put it in the rubbish bin. Their diagnosis: manic psychosis.

Her blood was tested and nothing out of the ordinary was found. My father-in-law was summoned, and was later accused of a condition called Munchaussen by proxy – a mental disorder whereby stories and evidence are set in scene to uphold a psychotic story. [According to this website it is relatively rare form of child abuse that involves the exaggeration or fabrication of illnesses or symptoms by a primary caretaker.] Because he was already retired they could not remove his medical credentials and he was not charged. Also, they said, we cannot exclude the possibility that the person from whom the urine was taken has tampered with the urine sample, or the mother-in-law. The rat poison had been banned for many years.

My wife was now in a psychotic ward and the diagnosis was a manic state of mind. The drug was administered and they got her out of it, fairly quickly. The aftermath was worse. I was to put my children in day care and a housekeeper was appointed. As soon as her mind was back in place she wept for months and months all day. She realized her father had put her in this miserable condition and she was destined to turn back the clock. She wanted no medication and her father back. Apparently it was the second time that her father had ran over her mind – earlier in her late teens, now in mid thirties. She realized that both stories were invented and it was made well understood that her father was a dangerous father especially because he was a GP. Also all family members had been taken by the father to the hospital with “appendicitis” which was removed; multiple other operations had been done in the abdominal region by himself. On statistical probability, it was close to impossible that they all needed to have their appendixes removed.

My wife was quick to forgive and pressed no charges.

Many difficult years of depression followed for her. She started yelling, went into fits, screaming and anger attacks mostly in the evening hours. She refused help, later, only this year, I learned that it was a bipolar type 2. Someone said a “slippery bipolar 2” where someone hides the symptoms. She would squeeze [reduce] the medicine as far as she could and be a bit sick all of the time, mainly in the evening hours. I was totally sleepless and stressed out. Once she said “I did not forget my medicine, we just had a bad argument that’s all.” I would ask her how much medicine she had taken she would pretend to forget and make it as vague as possible. For instance at a certain stage she was allowed to take one tablet and the next day two, alternating. She pretended to have forgotten what she had taken the previous day and end up taking one tablet for 4 days in a row. She would become slowly psychotic instead of quickly.

We were offered counseling from the hospital because of our marriage. She used very strong manipulation generally in discussions to have her way — that is a very demonic thing when you hear that.  My wife did not twist scriptures to use them against us, but her mother did that on numerous times. My wife demanded the impossible of me —  the mission impossible, she created missions impossible. Tasks to keep me busy to keep me from rest and after an evening of scolding she would ask for sexual favors.

As the hospital counselor was not very effective, we were directed to an organization funded by all of the churches for marriage counseling. This person was very good and really gifted. In spite of the effort my ex became more aggressive, the Pastor’s wife took matters into her own hands. By far she was the most effective. Also by revealing the intentions of my ex and non cooperation.

My social life became more and more restricted: all friends and family eliminated one by one, then work. I had to hold her hand, she wanted me stay home and take care of the kids. Later she eliminated all of Blossom’s friends (Blossom is the name I am using for our daughter). Other strange events occurred, my plants were massacred, various items of clothing were discarded  — typically wool. She neglected to do things she should have done in her role as wife and mother, like food, parenting, like sending our son to the shower, not putting the kids to bed, not helping to brush their teeth and basic love, affection.

In time I upgraded my strategy and I would also challenge her anger attacks, neglect towards Blossom. As a defense she would buy two pairs of trousers, we would be 100 dollars poorer, it was something called “comfort buying” the doctor told me. She said “That is what happens if you dare to disagree,” and if I dared to do it again she would buy some more. As I now understand this is financial abuse.

Eighteen months ago I left the house; I could bear her no longer. Screaming, shouting and ranting. I first hid myself in the forest, I would go home, put my kids to bed, tell them a story and leave the house for the woods. Another half year later I found a different house. Three weeks after I had the house, I was set up and my daughter stood on the doorstep with her bags, she was moving in. No problem (now this is Australian English 🙂 ). Mother brought her – said they had a row.

My daughter told me she had been beaten, she said her mother had told her she was no longer welcome, was not her child and was too expensive to keep. My daughter told me that in the half a year I had spent in the woods, mother would eat but gave the kids no food. Also she threatened that if my daughter told me about this, she would take away her phone.

About half a year ago, while Blossom was visiting her mother, her mum locked her up. Blossom escaped from the window onto a dustbin and then made her way back to my house. Afterwards my ex-wife came round and said that she did not know what had happened but that Blossom was acting her age.

After a birthday party my ex tried to abduct Blossom. Just in the nick of time I got wind of this and was able to stuff Blossom in the car; it was late and dark. My ex lunged herself onto the car bonnet and ordered Blossom out. Eventually I plucked my ex off the bonnet; again she pounced onto the door and hung on. I gave her a big push twenty yards away from the car. We drove away at high speed, my ex followed in high pursuit. My daughter called the police in the car. Three quick questions:

1: How old are you? Fourteen, good you get to decide where you want to be according to law.

2: Are you in the car you want to be? Yes.

3: In what bed to you want to sleep? In my bedroom at my dad’s house.

Good as soon a she comes round call us cause we want to catch her there red handed.

My daughter was very afraid and so was I, adrenaline on the roof. Blossom wept for hours. She wanted to die and announced that. I quickly called the most senior lady — a child development specialist — at our church, she talked with her until deep in the night and calmed everything the way that the Lord cut her out to do.

Next day I went to the police, I thought I was at least guilty of something. They made note and said that it was okay to pluck someone off of the car and even push them away. He said I would have done the same, sorry for you.

Many other incidents followed, ramming on the windows, calling, invading the peace of this house. I got pelted in the neck, she would attack from behind. After a house visit where I was asked to sign the house over to her, behind the lawyer’s back.

At first I hoped for a two-sided divorce (this is something available in my country); both parties try to come to an agreement. A judge looks if it is fair and if so, the matter is settled. Now I went for a one-sided divorce.

Myself. Sleeping disorder, anxiety, most likely PTSD, I can only work a few hours. I have a problem breathing, just getting breath. Has anybody got any advice about how to handle this? Other problems I still have are digestion problems, headaches, my neck is sore, I am sometimes dizzy. I feel horrible. Lots of pills, to keep me going. I am thinking of emigrating. Blossom say I am ready. We have options.

The church tried in the years before to get my ex into better condition. In the end Blossom started walking away from home because of the behavior and so did I. The church said: “Your family members are disappearing, what are you gonna do?” Her mood suddenly changed and she started screaming at the pastor’s wife and the pastor. For three hours we kept it up. I left home for the forest after that. Her psychiatrist said, “All is well, this is one of my best patients.” I said, “I think different and I am leaving.” He said: “It happens.”

She tried to recruit other people from the church to side with her against me, but with little success; eventually she left church on her own account. There was basically no mask to put up.

My wife quickly went back to side with her parents, who told her she was not allowed to that nasty church anymore. The church said to me: “Okay, what do you need?” I said a co-mother. They supplied various co-mothers, just good mothers, pediatricians, and social workers. They shopped with Blossom a lot, they love her, they all love her. Many of these ladies have no partner yet, but a warm mother’s heart. They are usually around 30, myself I am getting on a bit. They bustle into the house. Send me to the shower, play with Blossom, nowadays they talk about her boyfriend to be, she spotted somebody. In turn Blossom tries to match-make them.

Last year I was in much need of a holiday. I went as Elisha to hide myself in the desert and enjoy some peace and quiet. My house contained in that period, two ladies, and in the weekend they were here with six of them. I said “Ladies: it is an all inclusive, my fridge is packed, more than you can eat.” My ex had got wind that I was away, rang the bell. Six pairs of eyes peering on her. All thinking, “We know who you are, just one step out of line.” You see many of these girls came from broken or abusive situations themselves. Now they are keen to step in. The girls gave her such a fright that we have not seen her since. Apparently I was not giant enough but they were. When at war: invite some friends. Pick them well and pick your church well. Also the pastor’s wife had a double strategy. To give me help, and to provide women with a certain history to give that help. Bruised souls. I am helped, and this helps them to get over their history. She did not tell me that. I guess that is why they call her the wise woman.

My son is still living with mother. Mother does not molest him. She does use him to do shopping as she is unable. My son was found last April without keys, money, bicycle, phone, coat or light. He was carrying a box of groceries to give mother breakfast, lost his bicycle key and could not find his way home in the dark. Nothing is done about it.

Well this is my story.

Has anybody got good advice on how to literally catch my breath I seem sometimes not to.

The Lord gave me many wisdoms and benefits on the account of my marriage. One of them I will not deprive you of. He said: Look at it from a project point of view, finances, time, quality, organization and information. He said you have finances and personal resources, use this first. Get yourself inside a good organization and acquire information. He also said in my case time was not at my side. Then I sought for more knowledge, but could not find much in my own language. So I looked across the border and came across not under bondage. To me it named things I was dealing with. It is for instance a biblical step to take your matter to elders and to expect sufficient improvement, if there is no improvement there is a limit somewhere. Basically the behaviour of my ex was uncovered and discussed, then as my ex partner would not stop the abuse I left.

When, as a church, we help other people, mostly women, they are all offered the opportunity to do something about a marriage, but abuse is not acceptable and if someone calls it enough we help them too and they are allowed to end the marriage. One woman told me, from a different church, which seem as more conservative, that they made no problems for remarriage in the case of abuse.

Greetings to you all.

Friend in need.

[Note from Barb: Friend in Need does not speak English as his mother tongue, so I have helped him with English spelling and sentence structure.]

61 Comments

  1. What a sad story, FIN. I am so sorry you and your children had to go through all of that. But Oh how happy I am that your church came through for you in a way that would honour Jesus! That was such a refreshing thing to hear.

    I actually thought this was a concise and to-the-point post. I loved the clarity. Thanks for translating so it could be shared with us, Barbara.

    • Friendinneed

      Thank you, your kindness overwhelms me.

  2. KingsDaughter

    How wonderful for his church to step in and provide co-mothers! We could learn a LOT from this approach in the US, where families are so isolated even inside the church. Maybe its me, but it seems we are all so concerned with “looking” the part of the Bride of Christ that we neglect the actual “being” The Bride. Sad.

    • Yes, amen. This, for me, is what I want to be – to be able to reach out to others who are in similar situations and tell them they are not alone, give practical help if I can but mostly just be there for them, because so many have no one. We are not the body if we aren’t doing more of this, the care of our own members with love and grace instead of judgement and shaming. The isolation is cruel, and it kills. If I had stayed in the church I grew up in any longer, combined with the troubles at home, I would have not had a shred of strength left to deal with the depression, I would have died. I had to get out and find a few very, very precious friends who brought me through the dark times and literally, saved my life by giving me hope, sane reasonable counsel and unconditional love when I was so close to wanting to just die and get it over with. Ten years later they are still some of the most important people in my life, and I am so grateful I was led to them when I needed someone most. I hope I can pay it forward and do that for someone else one day.

      • ‘pay it forward’ — what a great expression! I’ve never heard it before. Thanks Kagi, I always wanted an expression for that but didn’t know there was one. 🙂

      • There was a movie, I think? I never saw it, but it was a big thing here in the states for awhile…the kind that generates spontaneous graffiti everywhere and well-meaning citizen’s campaigns, like the ‘random act of kindness’ thing. Actually I think they worked in conjunction for awhile. I still remember it because, like you said, there’s not really another good phrase for the concept, and it’s fairly important in this kind of work – there’s no way we can repay or ‘pay it back’ to someone who helped us, though in many cases we make lifelong friends, but we can pay it forward, by helping someone else. Or many someone else’s, in your case! 🙂

      • Barnabasintraining

        Yes, it was a movie. I saw it but don’t remember anything about it.

      • I heard it wasn’t great.

      • Friendinneed

        Yes it is lonely here. And to whom can you share your story? For 1 you put your message here Kagi, which makes me feel less in the dark. Yesterday I was eating out on my own that’s not fun. The steak was good but some (good) company would have been better (someone with coherent thinking). So your message is much more that the company I had yesterday which was none.
        I get good support from the church. Half of the invitations (birthday parties) I get are from non christians (friends, or ex study mates).
        A year ago I had the previous neighbours for a visit. They are a part of the largest church in this area. He being a lawyer, she being a nurse working in addiction. She had the experience of a molested youth. They asked me strait in the face to reconciliate with my ex. Because of their level of understanding, I was very disapponted with their visit. According to the terminolgy and resoning of that church, divorce is rated as a felony worse than abuse.

      • I really like the movie. I haven’t seen it in awhile maybe I should see if it’s on Netflix.

  3. Friend-
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry she put you though all of this. First I would like to say that you do not deserve to be treated like that and you had every right to leave. My abuser is also mentally ill and I sometimes deal with the feeling of guilt for leaving him when he was sick, but you can’t help her (she has shown over and over she doesn’t want help) and she does not have the right to manipulate you and control you like that no matter how sick she is.
    As for the PTSD I have found that the only thing that helps is time, sharing your story, and working though all of the things that “trigger” or “set you off” one at a time. I don’t know how long ago you were able to leave your abuser but the last time I saw mine (I got a restraining order and moved 2000 miles away) was 9mos ago and I am sill dealing with nightmares and anxiety attacks, but they are better then they were.
    I hope this helps you and I hope you find peace.

    • Friendinneed

      Thank you for your support and openness. I have had the nightmares they are gone. How did the 2000 miles feel. I was just wondering how that worked out for you…

      • 2000 miles? Are you talking about my flight to the USA? I think it was a lot further than that, but it went okay. I’ve been here a week now and am acclimatized, even to the light switches and strange taps for the shower. 🙂

      • It was good to get that far away. It helped in that I didn’t have to worry about him coming over unannounced, but PTSD isn’t logical so I still jump and panic at “bumps in the night”
        Please know that I am praying for you.

  4. This has got to be one of the most horrible stories of abuse I have ever heard. My heart breaks for this man and his family.

    • Freind in need from Europe

      Thank you for your kind words. Blossem is now upstairs and having a good time. I need some time to let your remarks soke in on me. (by the way, my English isn’t that bad).

      • yes it’s not that bad, I agree FIN. I’m sorry if I made it sound bad. I engjoyed hearing your story. Your going out to the woods is an image that will stick with me forever.

  5. Still Scared( but getting angry)

    So sad. Thank you for telling your story. Will pray for continued protection for your son and healing for you and your daughter.

    “In time I upgraded my strategy and I would also challenge her anger attacks, neglect towards Blossom. As a defense she would buy two pairs of trousers, we would be 100 dollars poorer, it was something called “comfort buying” the doctor told me. She said “That is what happens if you dare to disagree,” and if I dared to do it again she would buy some more. As I now understand this is financial abuse.” My ex-idiot would do this all the time, trying to explain this to counselors and pastors…they could not understand how hard this is to combat.

    • Freind in need from Europe

      really……?? I thought I was alone here

    • Friendinneed

      You bring a smile to my face, your “ex-idiot” So did they basically not address the purchasing thing??? At least I know with your remark that I was not the only one. Mine even tried, in the end to sell blossems contact lenses, the ones that I paid for. She said in church that she wanted to buy petrol from the money. Blossem would get a pair of cheap specs from the spec savers. The people who she said this to, stood there frozen, like maybe a bad joke or something. She does try to find me another girl freind. No sooner than I have an “idiot detector” as an app on my phone.

      • ‘idiot detector app” LOL !

      • Still Scared( but getting angry)

        Oh!! I want an idiot detector app! Wouldn’t that be wonderful! And, no, the counselors and pastors really just thought it was a communication problem or “poor financial planning” on my part. Finances trigger me horribly. He would demand I give a tithe to the church and then spend the same amount of money on himself that very day. I got in the habit of paying bills and rent all on pay day just to make sure the money was there. Looking at my bank account is terrifying for me. This went on for too many years. Trying to explain this to people…

      • Friendinneed

        I got a metal detector app, a silent cam app, with which I photographed today some traditional dressed people. Forgive me, I couldn’t help myself, or moreover I did. They were Rabbies, cool picture. I even got a Jidish language demonstration from a lady in the bus, sounded like a melody. Sound meter app, Weather app, Jeff we how hard can it be? to make an idiot app. Then a pharasee app, you can use if you go to a bad church.

    • YES SS! mine would take the money needed to pay the bills and go on a “shopping spree” “because he was stressed”!!! Then when I couldn’t pay the bills he would complain that I didn’t make enough money and that not having the money to pay bills stressed him out…and round and round we would go. It’s funny that now that I am making 1/2 of what I made with my old job, I have more money then when we were together and all the bills get paid…

      • Still Scared( but getting angry)

        yes, getting in trouble when I couldn’t pay bills or afford a certain food he wanted all because he had already spent it!! The pastoral counselors just kept talking about different budgeting and finance programs. I wanted to scream…I know how a budget works, but if he doesn’t follow it and then yells at me that it’s my fault…Living with this for years did serious damage to my ability to deal with money.

      • Still Scared( but getting angry)

        I have to add to my thought..I wanted to carry my ex-idiot’s logic through so that I could see it and others who are financially abused could see it. I was responsible because I could not magically know that he wanted something and I did not produce money from nothing to provide for bills and this new game/electronic toy that I knew nothing about and even if I did know, there wasn’t enough money for. Isn’t this reasoning ridiculous and has NOTHING to do with being able to follow a budget!!

      • Exactly SS exactly!! I he would tell me that a game was coming out, and I would tell him that it would have to wait because we also had a bill to pay. He would say “well get me the money then, because I am going to buy it!”
        That is not a budget issue, that is an abuse issue and you can’t do anything about it but leave them.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing FIN. I know you and I have spoken offline before, but your story is important to tell and there is a lof of it that I can identify with. I’m sure others can too.

    What really comes through to me is how neglect can be a form of abuse- it’s the same sense of entitlement, but displayed different than the overt actions of a narccissist.

    I also resonate with your struggles regarding mental health- it’s so hard to figure out when we should be supporting and when we need to protect ourselves.

    I too am so impressed by how your church handled things. The US church could learn a lot in this regard, but it is heartening to know that the church actually operates this way somewhere in the world!

  7. Barnabasintraining

    I’m impressed with your church too! I wish we had more like that here (there are a few, like Jeff C’s).

    I wish I had an idea about your breathing issue. I’m sorry I don’t. Maybe like RisingFromTheAshesPoetry said, it will get better as you process the abuse events and get a chance to heal emotionally.

    Blossom sounds like a real blessing. 🙂

  8. Not Too Late

    FIN, thanks for sharing your story. I haven’t read through all the comments, so I don’t know if someone else has already said this.

    Therapists who work with PTSD will be able to help you with your breathing. I believe it’s a matter of slow and “mindful” breathing, that is, breathing with awareness – like following your breath in and out, and practising that many times a day.

    The other thing that caught my attention was the good Lord’s provision of the ladies who stood up with you and “scared her away”. That’s exactly what we all need – friends like that. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find males who are willling to do that. Even if I found a male to help in physical things (like mending or fixing), he would be “pulled over” to the ex’s side after ex found out, and I would suddenly be charged more if they believed that I was rich because I had taken everything away from him! All the males I know of are good friends of his. Even those who know of the abuse will still try to help him. Maybe women are more likely to know what it’s like to be victimised.

    Anyway, just to say thanks for your story, and hope things get a lot better for Blossom and eventually, for your son!

    • Friendinneed

      Coud that be that the distance between your house and that off your ex is too close for you to be comfortable?

  9. Friendinneed

    Thank you not too late, for your comments and breathing advise. So for how many minutes should I do this? It’s never too late to learn, I think.
    Today the ladies came by again. One had a very long talk with Blossem and I had a talk with the child development specialist. I can sometimes become breathless as Blossem exibits puberty.

  10. Friendinneed

    So I am counting now… 3 persons + myself =4, with ex-partners with a financial hole in their hand, so to speak. Also no proper recognition of the problem. Inadequate counceling keeps the problem alive. My ex had a growing cognitive problem with money. As we now conclude, a councelor should consider the possibility that he/she is dealing with a sick mind or inadequate thinking. Such a mind will not respond to normal counceling. Passing this by brings the healthy thinking partner into deeper problems. The financial problem brings the whole family into fustration.

    The Lord used women to bring down my Goliath. The ladies had weapons I did not have and the enemy did not know how to handle them and backed down. I am glad to boast in my incapabilities. The Lord pushed forward the solution to this battle.

    Welcome for the story, there are more bits and pieces of the story that may come in bloggs. I was shamed in my marriage but not ashamed in front of you, to put my story to paper. Your stories have helped me also.

    • Friend- No you will not be ashamed here and I have come to find that EVERY time I think I am the only one that has been there all I have to do is come to this place and I will find at least on usually many more than one, who can relate to what I went through. I would be love to hear more of your story, because hearing your story also helps me heal from mine and others from theirs.

  11. Freindinneed

    One of the advising psychiatrists told me that they get a boost of chemicals in the brain from buying stuff, it is as a treat. after a while the buzz goes and they need another buzz.

    Well allright another piece of story. Here goes: Confession: I have an unhealthy toe nail. Went to the docter, “Yeah I can give you some cream he said. I cannot completely eradicate the fungus that is responsible. There is an oral medicine but it is too nasty for the liver. As it is only a cosmetic problem live with it”. Okay so I do. End of story as far as I am conserned. This is 3 years ago.

    My ex… let us use a biblical phrase “fool”. My ex-fool came with a pair of plyers from the shed, you read this well with a pair of plyers and said: “let us pull out the toe nail and you will be rid of the problem. She was dead serious. HO, HO wait a minute. In Japan during the war they ripped out toe nails, maybe in the 2nd world war. We don’t rip out peoples toe nails. But my son hears my ex-fool saying this repeatedly. When my feet are bear, he still repeats the suggestion of my ex-fool to rip out the toe nail with plyers. “Mother said it is the only way to cure this problem”. I’ll say: “no, son only during the world war long long ago, nasty people would do this to their enemies.

    • that’s chilling!

    • Still Scared( but getting angry)

      horrendous!

  12. Still Scared( but getting angry)

    Oppression

    Isaiah 58:5b-11 “ Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen; to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wandered with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say : Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. “

    I was reading on the blog about calling evil what it is and all the types of oppression so many of us are under and was praying about it when I was doing my quiet time in the morning and was refreshed with the above verse. Made me think about what I was doing to break chains for others and free them from oppression. God brought to mind the first kittens I ever bottle fed. Picture in the chaos of a small townhome with multiple little ones, there is a knock on the door , two spanish speaking men communicate in the little spanish I know about a “gato”. thinking it was on of my cats that had gotten out I went flying up the walkway to rescue my cat. Instead I found three underweight kittens gasping fro breathe, clinging to life. Their mother wanted nothing to do with them and on this cold, rainy day had shoved them away from her onto the cold dirty sidewalk. I scooped them up, hurrying them into my warm home. They were so young their umbilical cords were still attached. this was part of the issue. Their cords had gotten tangled together, along with mud from their first home. Gently, carefully but quickly as their body temperatures were plummeting I had to untangle the cords, clean off the dirt and feed them warmed sugar water. One of them had already died. That left two, two precious lives tied to a corpse. This is the picture I got when I think of going about my Father’s business of breaking yokes and setting the oppressed free. The opportunity often presents itself when we are going about our busy lives. We may not know the full picture as we rush in. Multiple lives are often involved that all need care and need to be unwound from each other. Warmth, time and resources from me are often required. I had to buy numerous cans of kitten formula when I had little to spare. Their previous home had left dirt on them, gently and carefully it had to be removed. They needed care and warmth not once but multiple times. Feedings every three hours for weeks. I want to do this business; to have the “glory of the Lord” to be my “rear guard”. I am willing for sleepless nights, interrupted schedules and the need to be gentle.

  13. Freindinneed

    I hope the chains of insomnia leave me soon.
    Are you people praying for Blossem? Will you ask the Lord to take it easy on me. Blossem just went out on a date, eating ice cream with a bloke in town, she’s been gone for 3 whole hours. One of the church ladies checked him out first, said he was ok. I am at work and starting to get worried. Barbara, no cheap remarks please. Oooh poor me. Am I the only dad who has this?

    • I will pray Friend in Need. And I would be feeling like you are feeling, in this situation, I think.

  14. Friendinneed

    Thank you Barbara. Today I got a bit of a stiff neck, upper back stiff, a bit of a headache, a bit dizzy. and sometimes I get out of a sleeping rythm. and have to find it back again. Last night is was 2:00 before I finally went into a chemical sleep.
    Triggers, one of them is not seeing Blossem in several hours I can get worried. Not so long ago I would worry when she went to school if her abuser would show up or not. On the other hand I don”t wanna steal the last small hope she may have of a normal relationship with a normal mother. If this is possible I would not want to stand in the way. I met our Pastor today and he said, you know if you can leave and go for a larger distance away from that person, even if you’d like to relocate to another country I would understand, receive my blessing. I think the coming 2 years I will reserve for Blossem to form her own opinion about her life and her relationship with mother. Then she will be an adult and can decide if she wants to join daddy on his adventures. As she is adolescent she is more worried about being different.
    Blossem doesn’t like to talk about mothers behaviour. Also she has stiff neck and snaps her own neck, I offered her the youngest female fysiotherapist I could find for treatment, but she is still declining help.
    Yesterday one of the church ladies was here, to eat with us and to talk to Blossem, she complained about wanting to be of a normal household where mom and dad were still together. I guess this is why Blossem is trying to hook me up with a woman, lately. Today she was in the car with me and asked me if I would like a certain lady in the church. I said: “O no sweetheart, daddy does not want to do this”. It seems like I am letting her down again when I say no. I made a general remark about it to the church lady, she said daughter wants to set you up so she will be less worried about you.
    Anyway Blossem was on a date today all afternoon, he was very polite indeed and really wanted to present himself. A real gentleman, shook her hand as they said goodbye.

    • KingsDaughter

      Friend,
      This song has been on my heart all morning and once I watched the video I thought of you…

      “I try to catch my breath
      It hasn’t happened yet
      I’m wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
      So I prayed God, would You make this stop
      Father please hold on to me, You’re all I’ve got

      Carry me, carry me, carry me now
      From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
      The only way I’m ever gonna make it out
      Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
      God carry me, carry me, carry me now.”

  15. Friendinneed

    That is very very nice of you. Well I am doumbfounded. Who does this for me. The Lord brings more Ladies to chase away my Goliaths. I liked it for the lyrics and I like the style and sound. Freind

    • KingsDaughter

      Friend,
      Consider that a song from The Lord… He placed that song in my heart, I’ve heard it before but never paid attention to the lyrics. Once I read the lyrics it spoke so clearly to what you have shared about your story. Be blessed, Brother! I pray you feel Him carrying you to His solid ground!

  16. Freindinneed

    I think this is called a word of knowledge. I downloaded the song and converted into mp3 and put it on my headphones. The song discribes indeed what I have discribed, and I want to get over it. After hearing it a couple of times, the next mp3 was something from Graham Cooke who speaks an hours worth of promises from the Lord. It’s very soothing, as he speaks the truth that the Lord will keep me from harm. I fell asleep to his voice at 1:30, woke up at 7:00 with a clear head, fell asleep again at 9:00. I have a very easy employer, went to work at 11:00, thank you Jezus. I only work like 5 hours a day. His costs went down drastically, where-ever I put my foot a factory runs smooth. They like me to put my feet down here as much as possible.

    We were talking about the spending frenzy’s. Or money spraying, I read “shopping spree”, thats a nice one, we gotta keep that.

    Another piece of story. I split with my ex-fool the money for the holiday. I wanted my ex also to have a holiday but not with her anymore, because of the drama’s. Blossem and I were gonna book a last minute, but I was invited abroad for some work and some play, in a very rocky country, regarding the food, you have to be a bit of a survivor, not hostile or anything like that, good hotel though, one has to be very careful with the food in this kind of country. All expenses paid for. Blossem wanted to come she is an adventurer. My son didn’t wanna come. Things on your plate beyond your imagination. So my son wanted to be with mother on a safe holiday, I gave them enough money to have a nice holiday, enough even for a flight. She went and bought herself a luxourious camera and they went camping in a cold country and finished the money apparently in 5 days, whimpering later about the cold. You know if you go to the north pole or the south pole its gonna be cold. A holiday is best closer to the sun,. What a mistake to make. That was holiday money, his money and she bought a camera in stead of a holiday. What does she want with a luxiourios camera. Blossem and I bought a cheap camera and we have a camera in the phone. I am satisfied with an average photo. All of the travel, stay and food was on them. We only paid for holiday T-shirt and a spa wellness treatment several times. We got a footmassage sitting next to eachother, wonderful. Neck massage, I felt brandnew. We had money left over…

    We didn’t wanna go back home, not back to that place with that person. We were back in the country, o my goodness said Blossem we are making a big mistake here. We are going in the wrong direction. But I can’t go because that is obduction. I would be obducting the child from the mother.

    • I like hearing your stories, FIN. And so glad that the song and then Graham Cook’s scripture readings were a blessing to you.

  17. Freindinneed

    I want to learn Blossem how to cook. Blossem would be hungry and try to lure mother into the kitchen. As my ex-es mind over the years became more absent at the end of the day, mother grew a defence (cover up, clocking) strategy. My ex had solved the problem with aggresiveness as to shoo Blossems and her request for food away. So I guess Blossem got a bad association with the kitchen. Blossem had made her own defence strategy to stay out of the kitchen here in this house. After lots of talks the church ladies agreed with Blossem to cook today just anything she liked. “We have a suspicion that your daughter does not know what to do”, they said. I was asked to call in and tell the church ladies how the meal had gone. So today Blossem wanted to make a salad, and went to the supermarket. She came back with a bag off sliced spinach. The disappointment.on her face… I quickly arranged some lettuce and Blossem made it, very nice and all. I called in to the child development specialist and she said: “I come to the same concluion, that Blossem has never seem mother prepare proper food, correct? Well I guess. Blossem has a hang for fast foods. As the years past by it would be hotdogs heated up in the microwave. So she has seen mother prepare proper food, but It must have been long ago, and her most recent memories were that of the fast food period. So now we have to make the transition from fast food to regular, fresh, healthy food. It takes time for me to undestand these things also. The crooked patterns that emerged, but also the effect on the kids. Sometimes the ladies see it before I do. I should have left sooner.
    Blossem said to the Judge where she wated to live and why. One of the issues is the food. My son does his own food living at mothers, popcorn with caramel, gum balls and a can of coke.. .

    • What a lovely story — sad that Blossem hasn’t had good modelling from her mother, but so nice that you have figured out what to do about it. She might also like to watch some cooking shows on TV or the internet. If she watched English cooking programs, that would help her develop her English too. 🙂 In Australia we have oodles of cooking shows on TV, so many that it is ridiculous. But people seem to love them.

  18. Friendinneed

    Dear All, just a little blog to let you know how things are getting on. My son announced that mother had left the house and auntie had moved in…. Because of the stuff that happened to Blossem, the judge has asked mother for permission to look into her medical file. If no permission then they will enforce this, but it will cost another so many weeks. If there is a suspicion of child molest then they could interview her. Also because there was no agreement to the child care (parent plan) they call it in this country. They have child care do an investigation to determine if the child receives sufficient care such as, food on the plate, clothing, heating, care, nutricion, etc, etc. Therefore no official papers back from the judge yet. kind regards to you all.

  19. freindinneed

    Dear All, Thought to leave you a note. The judges have decided that Blossem doen not have to visit her mother. This resulted in the Grandparents rejecting Blossem. Also we had a very nasty visit. As I was away for an hour, my ex fool came to scream rant and shout in the garden. Friends of Blossem came to watch. The police as no one was injured they could not charger her for anything.. We went on a holiday and as we came back my ex fool had even pinched our cat. Our cat had been living there most of the holiday. Hay wait a minute didn’t she say for a whole 15 years of marriage long that she was allergic to cats???

    Because the divorce is a fact I am now receiving treatment for PTSS, my first impression it that is it very good.

    During the Holiday we ministered to a lost boy (mother but no father), scraped the lies of of him, some swimming, building him up, Blossem pinched him some, at the end of the Holiday his mother received said the impossible had come true and she let us preach the gospel over her. It seems to be our calling… We were also snatch grabbed by a charismatic/pentacotal/evangelcal church and were allowed to preach, teach and participate on. Healing for my soul.

    • that’s all good news, FIN. I’m happy for you.

    • Still Scared( but getting angry)

      Yay!! Rejoicing for you!

  20. freindinneed from Europe

    Well thought to put up another note. Blossem and I are now living 2 years away and building up a new life. My ex fool asked the judge for less time with my son and more with Blossem. The judge said, well you beat her, blackmailed her and pinched her passport, so whole hearted I can say no. But if you want an investigation if your husband can have more hours with your son I can say yes. So she said yes. This opened up an investigation with the result that Blossem can stay here, but the Child protection enlarged their investigation because of neglect and malnutrician. Also I was accused of enforcing by my Ex of several medical “things”. They asked me what, and I replied, how about a renewal of his glasses, how about a shower and a hot meal. They are looking into it.

    Earlier this year Blossem was diagnosed with post traumatic stress outfall, numbness in the legs and arms. Blossem wants no treatment. The prayer that they gave me has had much effect for me together with some EMDR. To be honest my mind had a gap, still the emotions are present, which needs to leave. If I can get it, I am sure it must be out there some where for you, ladies.

    So my Ex father in law, dangled for 100 dollars of clothing in front of Blossem’s eyes if only she was to some along. She had permission to see the Grandparents but only in a busy store, from the church wize ladies. I was nervous all day. So very very late in the evening Blossem comes home, scruffy and messed up. She had fitted the cloths and grand dad said you can give me your coat. She did so, and her phone was gone. So said grand dad: “how annoying, tell you what, you can come to my house to make a phone call”. Blossem went in their car (alone) and in their house (alone). The next day Grand daddy used my son to transport the message. Super grand pa had found her phone, what a hero, she could get it if she came over on Saturday for food and greetings. Blossem said I know what happened, I know the truth. Still she seems bribable. And Grand-daddy showed his weapons, in the form of 100 dollar bill.

    I am in need of another rest and the church bails me out and will take care of Blossem, placing her in the best Spiritual warfare christian family for a week. I have booked me a holiday for R&R.
    Good on you, and God bless

    • Wow Friend, that’s a new twist: your ex-father in law bribing Blossom. He has not changed one bit, has he? I could feel your fear as you waited for Blossom to come home that night. shiver.

      Have a good rest 🙂

  21. freindinneed from Europe

    Thank you Barbara for your comment. You always perk me up a bit.This old fox is at his old game. still looking for hen. I had me a good read on this site and read the piece about false repentance. Sometimes I find myself even more angry than before I started reading. Blossem announced that mother had made an apology had admitted to not have been a good a mum as she should have been. Wanted to be a good mom in future. What do we do with that well me nothing, but Blossem wants to believe. I asked blossem to read your blog on false repentance. you are impartial she might take it from you.

  22. Freindinneed

    Well well well, thought I’d might put another update here how things are going.

    1st: The child protection agency investigated how my children are doing, because the judge asked for this. All 4 family members were interviewed. My ex fool played innocent. Blossem told them of the abuse. I infomed them of the treatment for PTSS. They swallowed the story of my ex partner, sad to say. Disregarded the matters of abuse and outcome. There was no evidence of bruising of Blossem. Both my children were awarded a course to be able to understand mother’s behaviour and protect themselves. Do be sarcastic, why not throw in a black belt self defence course.

    2: Blossem disagreed to the report of the child protection. Blossem’s social worker, withdrew his cooperation because the report was poor and to far away from what he saw was the truth. Upon this my lawyer asked for a different person to represent Blossem. That was very nice of him, he stuck his neck out for us.

    3: The bank accounts of the children were plundered 2 years ago. Of this there is enough evidence. And my lawyer asked that this money would be replaced.

    AllI was so exhausted this week, Blossem was also confused and sick to her stomach. My son comes twice a week and this is to be continued. We do know now what we can spend and do more outings and bought some cloths and furniture.

    • Uuh, so even the courts in your country can blindside victims and be bewitched by abuser’s lies. 😦 So sorry to hear that it went that way. The financial justice is nice, but small in comparison to the emotional injustice. 😦

      • Freindinneed

        Thank yo Barbara, They can really twist somesones mind, And she was using this guy as a new recruit. We brush the bad people away and keep the good ones. The finances were frozen for so many years. Recreactional activities eases off some tension, and I now know I can pay.

  23. Freindinneed from Europe

    The last 6 months I have been tied up in court cases once again. My ex demanding personal Partner Alimony on the account of having no job. My ex was found to have committed 4 accounts of perjury, false income, etc etc. Even a phoney mortgage. This week there will be another hearing. My ex has to pay alimony back for having given false income numbers.

    My ex sent my daughter with a settlement. Using my daughter as a lawyer.

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