Gaining awareness of abusers’ tactics of verbal abuse
As we get educated about abusers and their methods, we learn to spot them in action. One of our readers reports doing just that:
A family member is a cranky meanie. Although he’s never been outright unkind to me, he is often openly cruel and selfish to his wife. He apparently disliked several of my recent [social network] posts. So he’s been commenting to his wife that that I’m “spewing all over [social network] again” and that I’m “going off the deep end on [social network].” She told me about this last week and I ignored it and told her to tell him to take it up with me, not her. But this week, I prayed about it and then I called him out.
I had no grand delusions of fixing him or even getting through to him a little bit. I listened. I learned. I took notes and I’ll share them with you.
One of his go-to moves is false piety and it’s easy to get confused. He sounds so religious and it is a battle to keep focus on what he’s really doing. But if you let him talk for a bit and you really listen, you hear that it’s mostly gibberish and he contradicts himself constantly.
I ask if he has a problem with my [social network] posts. He replies “it’s obvious that I’m suffering.” I will stop here and note that I want to ban the word “obvious” from the English language. I think it’s the NPD’s favorite word. [NPD = narcissitic personality disorder] It implies that if we don’t see the OBVIOUS thing they see, we are stupid. Nope, there’s no such thing as obvious; there are only conclusions that can be made. I respond to him that I’m not suffering. I’m doing quite well. He inquires if I am getting help. I assure him that people with big intimating letters behind their names are helping me and they tell me early and often that I’m doin’ great! This is a trap, I soon discover, because then he asks if I am getting spiritual counsel. Interpretation: only help HE approves of is valid and if it runs the risk of upsetting his fiefdom, it’s wrong and I’m obviously crazy.
We move on to his concern for the children. I assure him they are getting excellent help from pros (letting him know he’s ventured beyond his pay grade but I think that he doesn’t think there is such a thing) and they are doing well. Now he wants to act concerned for the family with kids that I live with. They must be feeling cramped and uncomfortable with us here. Now I’m noticing that he’s not only told me how I am feeling, he’s telling me how others, who he hasn’t consulted, are feeling, a classic X move to undermine my confidence and prompt me to look to HIM for direction because I can’t trust myself to interpret life. Soon tells me that the family can’t possibly have much private time with so many people, one of whom is a grown-up, in the house. I remind him that this is an American notion and that most of the world’s population is composed of multi-generational households and the population growth charts indicate that they are getting plenty of “private time.” Western elitism comes in handy when trying to control others, I suppose, but I don’t give a flip about it.
We revisit the subject of the social network posts. I ask if he’s so concerned about me, why is he diminishing the posts when discussing them with his wife? He has trouble dodging this, but tries again to spin it to fake concern. I remind him again that my purpose in my posts is to get the info to people who need it. I inform him that I will not hide abusers anymore. I will not sit idly by as the husband and father who abuses his family on the way to church sits in a pew and pretends to love Jesus. You can’t love Jesus and be cruel to your wife. He knows I’m talking about him. He retorts that I’m being legalistic. Translation: “I use the Bible to get you to do what I want. When you try to use it to remind me to do what God wants, you’re a legalist.” I reply that love is the fulfillment of the law and I won’t be told differently and I won’t stand around and hide abusers or placate them anymore. He insists that I’m a legalist. Bah!
He attempts to make me think others think I’m nuts too. Says that my social network posts are making me look vengeful. I tell him that I asked a friend to look at the posts and alert me if I am looking like a crusader. Friend says I don’t. He says that my friend is only being nice and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. X routinely did this, reminded me that no one could possibly like me for me. I needed him and I’d be friendless if not for his input. Maybe not entirely friendless, it could be that I’d attract a bunch of losers who weren’t clever enough to avoid me. I detect that now he’s claiming to read the minds of people he’s never even met! “Did you ask a man?” he interrogates. I ask why. “Because you need an objective opinion, like mine.” I respond that he’s not objective. I observe that he’s again trying to define reality, that he desires to be the filter I run my life through. No thanks. I already have a GOD and He’s way bigger than you, Boogieman.
I have changed my privacy settings so that he can’t even see that I exist on [social network]. This will unleash a firestorm when he figures it out, but I think it’ll just reveal his true colors and that’ll be a good thing.
A Cry For Justice 
That was just like reading about a family member who has attacked me on Facebook years ago for a post so I unfriended him. He is 69 years old and worse than ever. He has abused my son and I so much we wish we could never see him but he bulldozes his way into our lives. With financial instability, I don’t have the ability to erect the boundaries I did for years. The fact that he has hurt my son breaks my heart. His wife was his target for tears, but now it seems to have turned to me bc I am perceived as weak and a loser bc of job loss. Thx for these posts. They help me see the truth.
“Did you ask a man?” he interrogates. I ask why. “Because you need an objective opinion, like mine.”
Mr. Captain Misogynist Man!
I know – SNORT! 🙂
male opinions = objective
female opinions = bird-brained noise
I would have had a very hard time remaining calm in that conversation after that comment! You did a great job!
I keep getting an error message when trying to comment on this post from my email, just in case anyone else is having the same problem.
I just wanted to say that it is sorry someone thinks they have the right to not only abuse their own wife, but someone elses as well. The entitlement mentality just keeps going on and on. It says in the word, “Submit to your own husbands.” I’m sure this guy and those like him would like other mens wives submitting to him as well as their own husbands. Fetch me…… Women are just objects.
We know some glitch happened with this post, Brenda, and are not sure what it was or how to fix it properly. The post was (we thought) scheduled to go live on Wednesday, but it somehow got published today, but with some weird techno problems that were stopping some people from seeing it or commenting on it. Sorry. And sorry to Ellie who wrote the post, as it does not seem to have been noticed much. We are scratching our heads in puzzlement.
I’m sure this guy and those like him would like other mens wives submitting to him as well as their own husbands.
Even God is supposed to submit to the abuser I know. Seriously.
I’m thinking as-of-today X is trying to tell God the way he wants it and God should just go along.
Yep.
I’m thinking that is what the as-of-today X thinks. He says he has prayed and God told him that we were meant to be together and will be. I believe that God has me right where I am suppose to be. I don’t believe God is the author of confusion, so where does that leave us. I’m thinking as-of-today X is trying to tell God the way he wants it and God should just go along.
“You can’t love Jesus and be cruel to your wife.”
Oh. My. Yes. Of course. This is not so complex.
Hours of therapy and thousands of dollars and millions of words and buckets of tears could all be saved with the simplicity of this statement.
Thank you, Ellie, once again, for nailing it.
My abuser is my MIL, so the sentence could be modified to say “you can’t love Jesus and be cruel to your family”. Boundary. BINGO.
I will memorize this & be ready the next time DH thinks she has changed, when she is really gaslighting.
The fog lifts, little by little. O happy day.
Thank you for this! So much real-life stuff that many of us have lived through!
Ellie wrote,
Oh yes, the “Are you getting help?” card covers many bases such as, “You are nuts and you need help,” and “Now that I KNOW you’ve had to go to experts, I can use it against you forever–that you are so messed up that you HAD to seek professional help,” or “Now I should get credit for knowing the ‘right’ thing to say by asking if you are getting help, so you owe me for pretending to care!”
Then,
It’s simply NEVER ENOUGH with abusers. Are we doing A? Yes. B? Yes. C? Yes…….V? etc. Because they don’t actually CARE about what is good, best for a person or biblically right or wrong; they only care about being top dog or the expert on everything. When God created the world and then rested (Genesis 2:3), if one of these abusers (natural grumblers and faultfinders Jude 1:16) had been there, he would have asked something like this, “Oh yes God I see where you THINK you’re done with creation, but just look over there, do you see that strange looking creature, yeah, well, don’t you think you left something out?” Or, “I can see what you’re trying to accomplish with the sun and moon and stars, but let’s rethink this shall we? Do we need ALL these creations? Don’t you think you went a bit overboard?”
And this,
Thank you SO MUCH for this HILARIOUS exchange of words! It is SO TYPICAL of most every person in my life! The judging and pious attitude all while these very same people are living double lives by cheating and stealing and manipulating others. And they REALLY BELIEVE THAT THEY KNOW MORE — ARE THE EXPERTS ON EVERYONE ELSE. The church really needs to get their act together and shine the light on these kinds of people — a big ole’ NEGATIVE light — one used to hurry the roaches away….!
Thanks RBE, you amplified and extended Ellie’s comment really well. 🙂