Refusal to forgive is not resistance to healing; it is resistance to erasure.
— Vera Hart The Violence of Forced Forgiveness.
I’d like to unpack this a bit. Or rephrase it.
I honour my innermost being when I refusal to comply with social pressure to forgive.
It is true is that my enemy sinned against me. My enemy wounded me. Those wounds haven’t healed.
The church has many people in it who do not want to ‘weep with those who weep’. They would rather coerce the weepers to performatively forgive, i.e., pretend the rupture never happened, or pretend it wasn’t that bad. Or they might tell you to see a counsellor.
Weep in the counsellor’s office, but don’t weep here! We’re trying to make God look good, and your weeping is damaging the image!
If I submit to the truth-deniers who are trying to coerce me to deny or obscure the truth so that THEY will feel comfortable, I dishonour God and I dishonour myself.
So I refuse to comply with their coercion.
But I am still left with Jesus’ call that I am to forgive my enemies. The only way I have found to deal with this is to make an inner vow that I will not take precipitous vengeance on my enemy, because vengeance belongs to God.
I am a soul under the alter crying How long will you wait, O Lord holy and true, to judge, and to avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? (Rev 6:9-11)
And I cry to the Lord:
Dear Lord, help me temper my righteous anger and channel it into truth-telling that helps others. Guard my lips so that I do not lash out at my enemy and regret my stupidity.
Help the church stop playing the performative game. Help them stop parroting what they have heard from the pulpit. Enlarge their hearts so that they are not afraid of big emotions and are willing to share the pain of the abused.
Stir the consciences of the moral cowards. Honour the morally courageous. Expose the malignant narcissists. Stop the exploiters and moral cowards from running the show. Help the church become more authentic and honest. Amen.
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This has been the theme of my existence for the last month. Saw a new doctor who told me that I would not heal unless I forgive my abusers.
Spent the next few weeks running this concept by everyone in my circle; lost a friend and now know to NEVER EVER talk about what happened to me and my family EVER to ANYONE.
Thank you for this essay. Yes, it’s like my existence is being ERASED. Spun out on the lack of Jesus in today’s xtianity.
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Thank you for explaining this so beautifully, thoroughly, and thoughtfully.
My deep sympathies to you, cptcookienose, I get it. I have found that unless someone has gone through some form of abuse, they really don’t get it and unless they are very empathic and understanding, they probably never will. Not even Christian friends, not mine anyway. Not a single one. The world is not as kind as I would like it to be, and I am so sorry for the experience you had.
I ran straight into this today, a (non-Christian) friend kept advising me to forgive my enemy because, just as others have said, I will never heal otherwise. I love my friend who was trying to help, so I didn’t argue, we’ve been on this merry-go-round before and she’s worth keeping.
And I learned something.
I learned that I can say nothing and keep getting “encouraged” to forgive unrepentant evil, or I can agree to try and in my head and my heart say to God “please help me to let go of this evil person who is no longer in my life” rather than ask Him to forgive that one. My friend is still my friend, and she’s a good one, always there for me and ready to encourage. I have decided to not care if she doesn’t quite understand the meaning of the word “forgive”, most of this world doesn’t seem to, not even the Christians.
My evil person died in 2023. I am sure he was unrepentant as he had 92 years to improve his character and he never did; he was wicked right up to the day he died, and I am equally sure God did not carelessly forgive him. Not my God, not yours, either. He waited patiently for the heart change that likely never happened. If it did, I rejoice; if not, oh well.
I agree with you, Barbara. I have a simpler understanding and it goes like this: we are allowed to be angry, but we should not sin by lashing out or paying back – that is God’s job and He is far better at it than I will ever be. You said it more eloquently. Not acting on my anger is all the forgiveness I ever had to offer.
This particular abuser is gone, but memories linger. Forgiving the evil person simply because it makes other people more comfortable is not the answer for me, it just causes more problems, more pain, more anger. Who needs that? I pray for the ability to walk past my memories until they are far in the distant past. I pray for the ability to let them go altogether, and the ability to go forward in my life. Some days it is easy to do, some days it is not, but over time I see an improvement in myself, and I think that is God’s Grace.
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This is so good. I have experienced so many coercive tactics in my past years of being involved in a fellowship.
To be able to reflect back and have words in the present to describe such a horrific experience is really moving.
“Your duty is to forgive” no matter the incident of abuse. “Your job as a wife is forgiveness, look at yourself first, is your home his sanctuary?” “He is sorry, he broke bread, God has forgiven, so should you”….as he cries and laments in front of the crowds, play acting really. Yet I am called to forgive, or the abuse is my fault.
“Perhaps it is God’s will for you to go home at the hands of your husband” ….this broke the cycle for me, and I have God to thank for that.
“You can’t leave if he is hurting you, but if he hurts the kids then you are responsible for not protecting them”
“If only you forgive, forgive a hundred times, if you don’t forgive you are hurting yourself and your children.” Forgiveness seemed to be the scapegoat. Slap a band aid on the boo boo and go away. What about the blood? The gaping wounds? The fear? “Forgive” because the church won’t hold abusers accountable, especially in a marriage. The men as the leaders had special anti accountability super powers.
Forgiveness was violence. It was never real, because the remorse was never real. It was a game the church enabled, outright aided and abiding to his every tear. He also had to forgive me, forgive me for not submitting. Forgive me for hiding money to escape, forgive me for calling the police, filing restraining orders, forgive my weakness to fail passive continual forgiveness.
“The Violence of Forgiveness” coercive control is violent. Oppression, being degraded, being put in fear of one’s life and the lives of your own children is Violent.
Thank you for this post.
Memphis Rayne.
P.s. I tried to post a comment a few days ago but it would not let me submit. I just did not want this to pass without letting you know how deeply this moved me. ((Hugs))
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The men …had special anti accountability superpower.
Wonderful, to the point, Memphisrayne.
To the other commenters:
I also had the experience, that because of cruel forgiveness-theories, I stayed silent, nothing CAN be said.
Thank you for this post.
Forgiveness is not a get out of jail card.
Truth is healing, silencing is NOT.
Truth, and the right acts, give safety, give a sign of what is right or wrong, and they show what our values are, the character of whom we worship.
Lots more to say.
Blessings to the wounded.
Thank you for this post.
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‘cruel forgiveness-theories’ — what a good phrase! I’ve used it my post Three Kinds of Forgiveness, and given you a high-five!
Thanks Go(o)d is not evil!
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So articulately and courageously put, especially considering such a controversial topic. Well done! This has helped my frayed nerves from abuse feel much better than before.
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Barbara, you say these things much better.
Here are some thought fragments, that come to my mind:
A couple of times the Lord says:
If, or when? They cry out, I hear their cries, I hold you accountable.
(Among others in Deuteronomy 23 or so, about not paying salary).
So you cry out, He hears it, go to the Altar, if they do not let you, to the heavenly judge. HE weeps with the weeping.
Those who are there for the other, give that piece of bread, that cup of comfort, will wonder, how they got into the kingdom, for they offered it to Him, giving it to His people, Jesus said.
Next thought:
My pet knew when I hurt him by accident, and he knew I felt sorry. Those who hurt him intentionly were avoided. He seemed not to judge unless he was hurt repeatedly, unrepentendly.
Then he might go into an attack-is-defence mode, if necessary. Not actually revenge.
Or just go out of the attackers way, basically leaving the rest to his creator.
Other thought:
When Jesus says that those we forgive are forgiven, giving the keys of the kingdom in the hand of his followers,
This makes me think of responsibility:
What, if by forgiving we make an unrepentant abuser go to heaven, turning heaven into hell with the wrong kind of folks coming there?
I’m talking about the likes of Pharaoh, Herod, Sisera…
Better cry out to the eternal judge, leaving the last judgement to Him.
Yet He may use us like in Jesaja6 to harden hearts, us knowing and living according to His word?
Just fragments of thoughts.
May His Wisdom and Comfort be with all of you.
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Beautifully said. Thank you.
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