Testimony from a woman who was exploited by Lundy Bancroft

What I want to say about Lundy Bancroft is that I experienced him as very calculated, and sinister. He’s articulate, intelligent, and superficially charming. He can be empathic and supportive if he wants to be, but it’s lacking genuine depth.

Looking back, I fell right into his trap. I believed him when he said the Peak Living Network (PLN) would host quarterly in-person gatherings and put on retreats at least a couple of times a year. None of that ever happened in the two plus years that I was involved.

What did happen is that I allowed myself to be pulled into helping him do all kinds of administrative tasks for the “network”. He set up a schedule for us to work together, meeting once a week at my house. On the few occasions that he actually showed up at the agreed upon time, he’d say things like “any excuse to get to come over and see you”. He told me more than once that his life was greatly enhanced, now that I was in it.

The stated purpose of co-counseling, which is what Lundy advocates as a means to healing old trauma, is to release our emotions through the inherent discharge mechanisms of crying, trembling, rage, etc. LB and I had been co-counseling on the phone before I moved closer, and it seemed a natural shift to start doing that in person. He seemed to really want that, and said so more than once.

Since I have a lot of trauma in my background, I was interested in trying to resolve some of it in this way. The first time I sat beside him on the couch, he invited me to hold hands. I declined. The things I opened up about were very painful, and before I knew it I was tapping into a lot of grief, sadness, and rage. For his part, he did display some emotion, but always in a controlled way that seemed a bit contrived. For instance if he “needed to cry”, he’d get an old photo to gaze at, and then begin to act as though he were crying. On one occasion he stopped abruptly, walked across the room to get a glass of water, and then sat back down and picked up where he left off. It was almost as though he flipped a switch! Most of his topics were fairly safe, and by his own admission, had been worked on “hundreds of times”.

At some point I reached out for a hug during my turn. Lundy praised me for that, and before I knew it, we were curled up on the couch holding each other, every time we counseled. As time went on I found myself becoming more dependent on him. He actively encouraged me to reach out to him between sessions if need be, either through text or a phone call. But as I came to lean on him more, he responded less. Even though he’d told me I was an incredible co-counselor and he felt so much trust with me, he started making comments about looking for someone new. He also began showing up for the network less and less, often complaining that he’d prefer to have other people run it for him.

I answered emails for the organization, in addition to attending groups. People started asking me where he was, and pretty soon I found myself running interference, trying to justify his behavior to other members of PLN. This went on for quite a few months, until it looked as though the whole thing would collapse.

During this time I began to feel my mental health declining, but I wasn’t connecting it to the way LB treated me. At one point I reached out to him and he proceeded to put me off in a cold and indifferent manner for several days. When I tried to express my hurt and confusion, Lundy instantly became defensive, and the best defence is a good offense. He blamed me, accused me of being snarky, and refused to acknowledge his part in the situation. Even though he always teaches that it’s best to express your feelings, even if imperfectly, he absolutely refused to extend any grace, and instead found fault with every single thing I said. He would twist my words into something he could be offended by, and even made a list of things I didn’t express correctly (according to him)! This was deliberate, and in contradiction to his teachings. In other words, the old double-standard.

I remember early on saying to him that I was afraid this wouldn’t end well for me, and his response was to ask if I was afraid of some sort of betrayal. In retrospect that was a warning, and there were others as well. I had previously witnessed a conflict between him and a woman new to the organization, who expressed concern when LB said he wasn’t feeling well. She suggested he go to a doctor, and consider getting a COVID [COVID-19] test. One of his rules is not to give advice, so there was his excuse to lambaste her, and he did! No matter what she said he found fault with it, even when she tried to express her shock and hurt at his attitude.

LB brought this situation to us, his trusted advisors, looking for validation for his meanness. Even though I, and a couple of others, didn’t think he was being fair, I’m embarrassed to say we went along. He was, after all, showing us what would happen if we didn’t. This was a huge red flag!

Another time I remember LB telling me, almost proudly, that he can decimate someone with his words, and never have to raise his voice. That’s even more telling when you consider that one of his pearls of wisdom, is that: abusive men operate on the premise that “as long as they remain calm (don’t interrupt, raise your voice, tower over, etc.), no one can call what they’re doing abusive, no matter how cruel”. And in fact, in trying to talk to him about my hurt feelings, he kept saying he couldn’t have been hostile or abusive (or wrong in any way), because he never raised his voice. This is clearly a faulty premise, which is why he pointed it out to his readers. In other words, the old double-standard. Again.

People are interchangeable to LB. It’s nothing personal when you’re sitting there exposing your deepest wounds to him. It’s just a role play of sorts. Rather than being careful with people’s feelings, and mindful not to wound them further, he seems to delight in discarding people when he gets tired of them. Because of his most famous book, he has no problem surrounding himself with women who think he understands what they’ve been through. He then uses them for his own amusement and ego gratification, until he gets bored and does the discard. It really is all there: the love bombing phase when he sings your praises and showers you with attention and flattery, all the way through the devaluing, and finally the discard, which he has no problem justifying to himself.

I realize that some reading this will just see it as an interpersonal conflict, and not a reflection of who he is. Don’t be fooled, as I was, into thinking he’d never treat you that way. He absolutely would.

I see Lundy Bancroft as a dangerous person, especially for women who have been abused. He knows the language and can feign empathy, much like his description of Mr. Sensitive, in Why Does He Do That? When threatened, he truly does demonstrate most of the abusive tactics in the book. It seems as though it’s really an autobiography!

It’s really hard as a woman healing from trauma to resist the advances of such a well-known and highly thought of author. Many of us have never had a good and nurturing relationship with a man, so when the one everyone looks up to, seems to choose you, it’s very tempting. Don’t be fooled!

It’s all just a game to him. Certain wounds leave us vulnerable to specific kinds of manipulation, and LB is very skilled. He knows exactly how to build trust, and once he does, you’re ripe for the discard. I’m not the only one, by far!

— by Name Withheld, the woman who wrote the second victim impact statement in this link. (For the most recent Internet Archive copy, click here.)

For more testimonies from women who were exploited by Lundy Bancroft, go here.