The indefatigable badger – deciphering manipulative speech
Lewis’s Trufflehunter couldn’t be more right. Badgers refuse to let go. “David Burello” has offered further proof of his lack of repentance. Let’s read his attempted comment and then parse it to see what he’s up to.
So, if your husband or wife treats you badly, or puts you down, and gets angry, you feel that instead of seeking professional help to try to change bad behavior, improve communication, and save the marriage and the family, it is best to basically ignore them, shun them, leave the room when they enter, and don’t communicate with them in any way. Is there any time where counseling, or trying to save a marriage? Or if 1 person feels mistreated, should you just give up, file for divorce, and proceed to follow the Gray Rock method?
Translation in red, comments in purple italics:
So, if your husband or wife treats you badly, or puts you down, and gets angry, you feel Flag on the play. Don’t ever tell me what I feel, think, want, or believe. People who try to tell you what you feel are trying to manipulate. Big red flag. that instead of seeking professional help to try to change bad behavior, There’s nothing, not ONE thing stopping this abuser or any other abuser from seeking Christ and professional help. He doesn’t need access to, help from, or power over his target to change. improve communication, This isn’t a communication issue. It’s an abuse issue. You don’t improve abuse. You stop it by getting away from it. and save the marriage Your abuse ended the marriage. and the family, Your abuse destroyed the family. it is best to basically ignore them, shun them, leave the room when they enter, and don’t communicate with them in any way. Straw Man. This is an attempt to redefine our advice and argue with the new definition. Grey / Gray Rock is a way to protect the targets from manipulation and abusive behavior. It isn’t punitive, it’s protective. Is there any time where counseling, or trying to save a marriage? That’s an incomplete non-grammatical question; we’ve noticed that abusers often write and speak without regard for syntax or grammar. Perhaps it shows how distorted their thinking is. But since we can join the dots and work out what Burello is getting at with his shoddy syntax, we’ll reiterate once again that marriage counseling is for non abusive situations. Or if 1 person feels mistreated Minimizing. He’s denying his actions and making the target the actor because she feels, should you just give up, after decades of enduring abuse, praying for change, making my life easier, and feeling a slight reprieve until the cycle restarts, she’s going to give up now? What if there’s a magic counselor I’d listen to or a Super Pastor who could explain things in a way I could understand? I could change if she’d just get me the right help! file for divorce, and proceed to follow the Gray Rock method? It’s driving me crazy that I can’t get her to respond. If she’d just talk to me, I could convince her that I’m right and she’s wrong and I’d have my power back. Since she won’t respond, I’ll comment here. Lots.
See how many times Ellie has intervened in this single-paragraph comment from ‘Burello’? At my count it was eleven times. Eleven points to translate or decode in one paragraph.
Imagine how this feels when one is in the same room as the abuser and this stuff is coming at you thick and fast . . . lots more than one paragraph of it. The abuser’s cluster bombs are exploding all over the place. Almost every clause he utters has at least one manipulative element in it and he piles the clauses on so fast that his sentences seem never-ending and overwhelming (that’s his goal: to overwhelm the target). Imagine how hard it is for the victim to think straight or keep her head out of the fog and not be drowned and suffocated in a frazzled mess of trauma-frayed nerves. While the victim is attempting to think logically to translate and rebut one or two of the explosions from the cluster bomb, half a dozen more bombs from the cluster are going off. And there are more coming every minute.
If we descended to the vernacular we could advise abusers to shut up — but instead let’s use the Bible’s way of saying it
If you have been foolish, exalting yourself,
or if you have been devising evil,
put your hand on your mouth.
For pressing milk produces curds,
and pressing the nose produces blood,
and pressing anger produces strife.
Now, back to Ellie —
We recommend that the abusers seek Christ and surrender to Him; that they repent, that they become a new creation, and that their change be due to a surrendered heart, not to their targets’ enticing them or earning their good behavior. And we recommend that they do this no matter what their target is or isn’t doing. Change for Christ, or it isn’t change at all. This is very important and I will say it early and often. As long as the abuser is saying that anything other than his abuse is causing the divorce or harming the family, HE HAS NOT REPENTED.
The target’s seeking legal protection and legal recognition of the fact that the abuse has destroyed the marriage and the family IS NOT WHAT DESTROYS THE FAMILY. Abusers destroy the family when they abuse. When the abuser can make the unqualified statement “I destroyed my family and my marriage with my abuse.” I might start to think he’s making some progress. Maybe. Keep saying it. Make sure your targets are provided for and free of your harassment and I might believe it for two days in a row. Any abuser saying anything other than “I destroyed my family and my marriage with my abuse” is looking to con the listener.
This abuser is attempting to make us his ally. He is attempting to persuade us to get his target to come back under his control. A repentant person would be respecting the boundaries of the people he’s wronged. A repentant person would be seeking to glorify God, not seeking to regain his power.
But there is no convincing the abusers/badgers of this and I am not so delusional or arrogant as to think I could. This post is to expose manipulative communications patterns. I write these posts to highlight the way manipulators attempt to guilt and convince; how they try to convince us that WE or their targets are ruining their families or causing some terrible thing to happen. Nope. Abuse destroyed the marriage. Abuse destroyed the family. We want to empower the targets to heal.