Messages used by psychological abusers — domestic abusers and governments
In psychological abuse, the abuser conveys messages in order to steer and control the feelings, thinking and behaviour of his target. This article compares messages used by domestic abusers with messages used by governments and corporate media. Understanding the similarities and parallels may help you make sense of the confusion that is around you.
We will start with domestic abuse. In domestic abuse, the abuser’s target is most often his intimate partner, but he can also target his children, his in-laws and his family of origin. If you want to know how I define domestic abuse and why I usually use the male pronoun for abusers, go here.
Messages imparted by the domestic abuser to his target(s)
Trigger warning — if you are a survivor of abuse, the following messages may bring up strong emotions and memories. If you feel so uncomfortable reading these messages that you want to flick them to the back of your mind, you may be experiencing cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is stressful. But pushing it to the back of one’s mind is not the path of healing. Healing entails facing reality — exposing and rejecting the fictions which the perpetrators insist on, and believing what is true: true reality. Jesus said, “If you continue in my word, you really are my disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
Very often the abuser does not convey his messages in simple sentences. Messages can be conveyed between the lines — by hints, innuendo, facial expressions, and actions that speak louder than words. However; I have put the messages below in blunt bullet points, to make it easier to objectively analyse them.
The abuser coerces his target by stating lies as if they were incontestable truths. Often his lies are barefaced false statements. The abuser insists that the problem is not in him, the problem is caused by his wife or by X. He also insists that he knows the best way to deal with the problem.
Remember, none of the messages below really offer what they present. For example, the messages that purport to offer freedom do not in reality offer freedom to the target. All the perpetrator’s messages are designed to steer and control the feelings, thinking and behaviour of the target, for the benefit of the perpetrator. The Bible talks about this:
Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart. (Proverbs 26:24)
Let us study some messages the domestic abuser imparts to his target(s).
FREEDOM MESSAGES
Personal freedom message:
- Your behaviour in this relationship is limiting your personal freedom.
- If you act better you will have more personal freedom.
Economic freedom message:
- Your behaviour in this relationship is limiting your economic freedom.
- If you act better you can regain your economic freedom. If you are more careful you can regain your economic freedom.
SOCIAL BENEFIT MESSAGES
Self-interest message:
- Your foolish behaviour and thinking is endangering your well-being. You are sick. You are losing your marbles!
- I care about your health. I know what’s best for you. The best way to prevent yourself from getting more sick is by doing what I say and complying with my directions.
Community interest message:
- You are endangering the health and well-being of your family, your loved ones.
- The more you comply with my directions, the lower the risk that your loved ones will suffer.
- For the family to be healthy, we must work together so that all the family follows my leadership and complies with my directions.
Economic benefit message:
- Problem X is wreaking havoc on our finances.
- The only way to strengthen our financial situation is to work together, recognising that I know what is best for us financially.
SOCIAL PRESSURE MESSAGES
The abuser makes two assertions:
- X is a danger to the health and well-being of our family and community.
- The best way to protect them is by doing what I say and by working together to make sure that enough people do what I say.
Then the abuser asks you to imagine how you would feel if you didn’t follow his directions.
Guilt message: Imagine the guilt you will feel if you don’t do what I say and our family and community really suffers.
Embarrassment message: Imagine the embarrassment you will feel if you don’t do what I say and our family and community really suffers.
Anger message: Imagine the anger you will feel if you don’t do what I say and our family and community really suffers.
Trust in Authority message:
- Doing what I say is the most effective way of protecting our family and community.
- What I say is backed by authority. (The abuser cites whichever authority suits his purposes: it could be the Bible, God, science, medicine, the law, etc.)
- A person who doesn’t do what I say is ignoring authority.
Bravery message:
- Marriage can be hard. To stick with your partner through thick and thin is brave.
- We are facing a big problem. The family is under attack. Those who choose not to do what I say are lacking in courage. They are not brave.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse and are still with me, let me offer you a high five!
The man whose chosen lifestyle is to abuse his intimate female partner will surreptitiously test the woman he is targeting, to see which messages are most effective on her. The author Don Hennessy explains how the male intimate abuser does that in his book How He Gets Into Her Head.
It is fitting to end this section with a prayer.
Deliver me, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue. (Ps 120:2)
Now, dear reader, I invite you to look at some more messages.
Messages which our governments and corporate media have been telling us for the last two years
I encourage you to think about the similarities between the government’s messages and the domestic abuser’s messages.
I compiled this list of messages from a Yale University study Covid-19 Vaccine Messaging. The study was conducted in July 2020 — months before the vaccine became available. Why am I connecting this Yale study to the government? In the last two years we have been bombarded with messages like this from government and corporate media, so it’s logical that the government used the findings of this Yale study (and probably other studies as well) to choose which messages to bombard us with in order to persuade people to get vaccinated.
When reading this list, please do not take each bullet point as incontestable truth. I noted above that many of the domestic abuser’s statements are lies. Likewise, many of the bullet point statements in this list could be lies, or at least false assumptions. For example, the government has claimed that Covid-19 has limited our freedoms, but the government measures are what has limited our freedoms.
FREEDOM MESSAGES
Personal freedom message:
- Covid-19 is limiting people’s personal freedom.
- By working together to get enough people vaccinated, society can preserve its personal freedom.
Economic freedom message:
- Covid-19 is limiting people’s economic freedom.
- By working together to get enough people vaccinated, society can preserve its economic freedom.
SOCIAL BENEFIT MESSAGES
Self-interest message:
- Covid-19 presents a real danger to one’s health, even if one is young and healthy.
- Getting vaccinated against Covid-19 is the best way to prevent oneself from getting sick.
Community interest message:
- Covid-19 endangers the health of loved ones.
- The more people who get vaccinated against Covid-19, the lower the risk that one’s loved ones will get sick.
- Society must work together so that all people get vaccinated.
Economic benefit message:
- Covid-19 is wreaking havoc on the economy.
- The only way to strengthen the economy is to work together to get enough people vaccinated.
SOCIAL PRESSURE MESSAGES
The government and corporate media, including big tech social media made two assertions:
- Covid-19 is a danger to the health of one’s family and community.
- The best way to protect loved ones and the community is by getting vaccinated and by working together to get enough people vaccinated.
Then they asked you to imagine how you would feel if you didn’t follow their directions.
Guilt message: Imagine the guilt you will feel if you don’t get vaccinated and spread the disease.
Embarrassment message: Imagine the embarrassment you will feel if you don’t get vaccinated and spread the disease.
Anger message: Imagine the anger you will feel if you don’t get vaccinated and spread the disease.
Trust in science message:
- Getting vaccinated against Covid-19 is the most effective way of protecting one’s community.
- The vaccination is backed by science.
- A person who doesn’t get vaccinated is ignoring science and doesn’t understand how infections are spread.
Bravery message:
- Firefighters, doctors and frontline medical workers are brave.
- Those who choose not to get vaccinated against Covid-19 are not brave.
Now let us reflect on the above.
The Yale researchers tried out psychological messages to evaluate how effective each message would be in changing people’s feelings, thoughts and behaviour about the vaccine. They wanted to see which messages would effectively persuade people to:
- intend to get vaccinated
- trust in the vaccine
- persuade others to get vaccinated
- be afraid of those who do not get vaccinated
- socially judge those who do not get vaccinated.
They also contrived messages to suggest that unvaccinated people can be judged as untrustworthy, selfish, un-likeable, or cowardly (not brave).
Results of the study
The Covid-19 Vaccine Messaging study (archived link here) was done in July 2020. They also did a follow-up study in September 2020. The results of both studies are published here: Persuasive messaging to increase Covid-19 vaccine uptake intentions (archived link here). In brief, the messages which they found to be most effective in shifting people’s thinking and intentions were the messages that induced people to think about bravery, community interest, and embarrassment. Also effective, though less so, were the ‘trust in science’ and ‘personal freedom’ messages.
I’m not surprised at the results of the study. Humans are social animals and we need the approval of others. We like to think of ourselves as brave, pro-social and sensible. If others judge us as cowardly, anti-social or foolish, we cannot thrive. For people who have previously suffered abuse, the embarrassment message would be particularly powerful because embarrassment is like shame.
Did you notice how the government messages appeal to emotions, rather than reason? That is a hallmark of psychological abuse.
Similarities between the domestic abuser’s messages and government messages
I hope you can now see similarities between the mainstream messages about Covid-19 and the messages of domestic abusers. Both are emotionally and psychologically manipulative. Both test the target to see which messages have the most power to influence the target’s feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Both make appeals to ‘authority’. Both try to control perceptions by prompting¹ people to think in certain ways and thereby deterring people from accessing and considering alternate perspectives.
I shall spell out more similarities. The domestic abuser claims that if his wife improves her behavior she will have more freedom, but the abuser’s covert bullying is what limits her freedom. The government has claimed that Covid-19 has limited our freedoms, but chiefly what has limited our freedom is the government measures.
The domestic abuser claims that his wife is mentally sick, but he suppresses all interventions that would give her relief. For example, he stops her seeking alternative perspectives from others; he runs roughshod over any boundaries she sets against his abuse; he fights against separation and divorce. The government has claimed that Covid-19 poses a grave danger to health, but it censors and forbids use of treatment protocols that have been empirically proven to be very effective in treating Covid-19 illness and preventing hospitalisation and death.
The domestic abuser claims that the only solution is for everyone to follow his directions, but when the wife and kids follow his directions, their suffering increases. The government claims that vaccination is the only solution, but many people who have taken the Covid-19 vaccination have suffered serious adverse events up to and including death. And corporate media is censoring that information.
Psychological abuse is a type of deception. Jesus warned us about deception:
Take heed that no one deceives you. …many false prophets will arise, and will deceive many. And because iniquity will have the upper hand, the love of many will abate. But he who endures to the end, the same will be saved. Matt 24:4, 11-13 (NMB)
Paul warned us about deception:
Let no man deceive you by any means. For the Lord comes not unless there come a departing first and that sinful man be revealed – the son of perdition, who is an adversary, and is exalted above all that is called God or that is worshipped, so that he shall sit as God in the temple of God and show himself as God. … For the mystery of that iniquity does he already work, which only locks until it is taken out of the way. And then shall that wicked one be exposed, whom the Lord will consume with the Spirit of his mouth, and will destroy with the appearance of his coming – namely him whose coming is by the working of Satan, with all lying power, signs, and wonders, and in all the deceptiveness of unrighteousness among those who are perishing. They perish because they would not receive the love of the truth, so that they might have been saved. And therefore God will send them strong delusion, so that they will believe lies; so that all may be judged who did not believe the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness. 2 Thessalonians 2:2-4; 7-12 (NMB)
Coda: Why are people so afraid with Covid-19?
I am amplifying Meredith Miller’s answer² to the question Why are people so afraid with Covid?
On one side, because of the messaging, people fear the virus and they fear other people who they have been conditioned to believe are dangerous and diseased.
On the other side, people have several reasons to be afraid. This side is people who are not much afraid of the virus; they do not trust the government narrative, and many of them are resisting the vaccination. Firstly, these people are afraid of the coercion and tyranny that is happening. Secondly, they are afraid of the mass formation. Mass formation is the psychological term for the mass hypnosis which has occurred in approx 30% of the population who have entirely believed the government narrative. I’ve given links below to help you learn more about mass formation. Thirdly, some individuals I know who are un-jabbed have experienced really unpleasant health issues after they were in close contact with someone who had been recently jabbed. Understandably, some of these individuals are now trying to avoid being in prolonged close contact with anyone who has recently been jabbed.
***
Footnotes
¹ An example of a government prompting people to think in certain ways: The UK government’s use of Neuro-Linguistic programming.
Another example — Hitler’s Basic Principles (abstracted from Jowett & O’Donnell Propaganda and Persuasion):
- Avoid abstract ideas – appeal to the emotions.
- Constantly repeat just a few ideas. Use stereotyped phrases.
- Give only one side of the argument.
- Continuously criticize your opponents.
- Pick out one special “enemy” for special vilification.
² Meredith Miller’s testimony, Day 4 of Grand Jury trial time mark 4:13:47.
Mass Formation
Why so many have been willingly hypnotised — video interview
Mattias Desmet on Our Grave Situation — video interview
Mattias Desmet explains Mass Formation Part 1 — audio interview
Mattias Desmet explains Mass Formation Part 2 — audio interview
Mattias Desmet on Mass Formation — video interview and transcript
Further reading
Meredith Miller on abuse dynamics — from the micro to the macro level
Advocacy Journalism is Propaganda — Dr Robert Malone
I Think I’m In An Abusive Relationship – With the Government! — by Ashton Warhurst, The Daily Sceptic
A Cry For Justice 
Since I have been trained so well to notice manipulation from this site and my domestic violence centers, from the very beginning I saw this happening. I am just so relieved and happy that this is being talked about here. How brave and how wonderful to speak out against a society fear? I am in awe of you guys for sure, this is a very brave and true article. Thank you thank you thank you! Well done, these words just seem so inadequate for the stand you have taken. Do NOT back down to bullies.
Bravo! Thank you for speaking out about this. As a survivor, I found the early days of this “crisis” particularly difficult. Fortunately, over time, I have realized that ALL of my initial instincts were correct and I have found a new sense of self-confidence. Thank you for your work!
Hi Anna,
For your safety and protection, I modified your screen name, as the name you submitted with your comment might have been too identifying. If you would prefer having a different screen name, please email me at reachingout.acfj@gmail.com .
I’ve been reading your posts for years. So this one took me by surprise I must admit. I found the opposite to be my experience these past two years. Mind you I don’t have a tv. But I have been called names and told how I feel. I have seen an aggression in people that scares the heck out of me.
Hi, for your safety and protection, I changed your screen name to the name you have used previously at this blog. — Barb
Thank you for writing this. I saw this right from the start, and said so on FB. My brother, a pastor, just ripped me to shreds for even thinking that way. (I keep posting anyway, but am called a fear-monger and most of my family is embarrassed to know me.) I think that mostly those of us who have been abused domestically can see it, the others insist on presuming good will from our leader. The emperor has no clothes, but it frightens them to admit that, like we wives were frightened to admit that we were being abused because then we had to lose our dreams and hopes and often our homes and sometimes our children.
Hi Sunflower,
For your safety and protection, I changed your screen name to the screen name you have used most recently on the blog, as the name you submitted with your comment might have been too identifying. If you would prefer having a different screen name, please email me at reachingout.acfj@gmail.com
Thank you Sunflower. 🙂 My commiserations for what your brother did to you. I feel for what you suffered because I have had two members of my family rip me to shreds. I could bear the ripping when it was done semi-publicly (on the family’s WhatsApp chat group). But the second ripping I’m really hurting from still and it happened months ago. The relative in question spread slander about me in the local community — the community I moved into last August. She primed at least three people with her slings and arrows, two of those people accused me publicly of being an infiltrator, the third person came to my house to say to my face things that deeply wounded me. I believe it was all set up by this relative who hates my guts.
If I never write again, please forgive me.
The incongruous thing is that the relative who spread slander about me takes a similar view to me on the Covid-19 crisis. But she has made me an enemy for her own personal reasons. It is not my fault. But I can’t do anything about her attitude. I am intending to have nothing to do with her ever again — it would not be safe for me to interact with her at all. The damage she did to my reputation in the community has caused me much grief and exacerbated my loneliness, and no one in the community has addressed the injustice by admonishing the gossip spreaders.
Dear Barb,
You wrote (14TH MARCH 2022 – 9:07 PM):
You wrote (14TH MARCH 2022 – 9:13 PM):
I’m so sorry… In your blog post (This blog was accidentally suspended by WordPress) you wrote:
I’d thought and hoped that things were going well for you and that you might be feeling less lonely. 😢
In your 14TH MARCH 2022 – 9:07 PM comment, you wrote:
I hope you never stop writing….
Thank you, Finding Answers. You are sweet. And kind.
I feel like I’m coming at this problem from a different angle, probably as a result of different life experience up until now. As you know, Don Hennessy’s books empathize [emphasize?] personal choice which is probably very good but a problem for me (though as a whole I found his books quite helpful).
You see, the church and family I grew up in, as well as my husband, have continually reminded me that I am where I am as a result of my own choices. And in a way I see their point and have to agree with them. EVERYTHING is result of decisions I made in the past, many of which turned out to not be good decisions…but then in my mind I turn things on the side a bit; I think of all the information that was withheld from me, the way I was made to feel guilty if my actions didn’t suit them, and all the rest. And I’m not sure if anything I chose to do was actually my choice. I could spend all day and all night mulling this over and not get anywhere good.
Finally I decided it’s more important for me to be in a place mentally where I see many choices rather than only one good but perhaps unsavory choice. And on this, I guess I feel personally that my family and former church do better than the public… Yes, the vaccine is an option that you may want to consider…but you might also consider other things like natural remedies and / or simply getting Covid-19 and allowing your body to deal with it (which for many of us has turned out to be nowhere near as scary as they made it sound though for some old people it hastened their death).
On the other hand, my husband has tried to convince me I must not get the vaccine because I’ll also get the mark of the beast and lose my salvation. And of course the public message is that I have no good choice other than the vaccine, otherwise I risk sickening everybody and / or losing my job.
My life has changed dramatically in the past nearly 2 years; my son is now in public school and doing well; I’m a bit more open to mainstream medical opinion and have had some wonderful results. I told my son’s doctor that I’m somewhat open to vaccines now, only one at a time, and she recommended the Tdap [Tetanus, Diphtheria, Pertussis]. My son has had two doses of that so far; they allowed me to apply a natural remedy at [the] injection site immediately and my son has done very well.
But, someone close to my niece has had to go to the hospital and my niece fearfully reported that “they allow you to bring no natural remedies to the hospital.” So there’s that. I do wish that people that want mainstream medicine and those that want other remedies could keep an open mind and help everybody to see lots of acceptable options. Personally, I find that a much better mental state to be in, to make good decisions.
—Well said, momtomyson! 🙂 🙂
These are my thoughts, as the daughter of a World War II veteran. I believe we’re being asked to make permanent sacrifices (our legal rights and freedoms) for a temporary problem (Covid-19).
My dad was one of several thousand American “gun jumpers” who enlisted in the Canadian army because they were tired of waiting for the US to join the fight. First they risked their American citizenship to join a foreign army, and then they risked their lives in combat. They sacrificed because they believed that the cause of freedom was greater than their own individual lives. I could say, “They did it for their children’s sake,” but there was no guarantee that they would even live long enough to marry and have children. That kind of courage amazes me on a level I can’t even put into words.
So, fast forwarding to my own generation, I see those values completely reversed. To protect ourselves from a virus that’s more than 99% survivable, we’re on track to deny our kids and grandkids the freedoms we’ve always enjoyed. Once Covid-19 has finally run its course, what will be left? Bureaucrats who can deprive you of your livelihood for refusing an experimental procedure? Social media platforms that censor even the mention of opposing viewpoints? Banks that confiscate your assets over peaceful political protests? All this, for a virus that most people will survive with minimal long term effects?
Well, no decent person wants to give anyone Covid-19, but apparently a lot of decent people are willing to give their grandkids an oppressive government. Perhaps the question we should be asking is, “How will you feel if you allow the government to enforce mandate after mandate, and then they get even more drastic because there’s no one to stop them, and it ends up with gulags or a holocaust or a holodomor?” Totalitarian governments have killed more people than Covid-19 ever will.
For the record, I’m not anti-vax and I’m not anti-science. I got the jab voluntarily. But I’d take Covid-19 over totalitarianism any day, if somehow I could make that choice.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Hi Anonymous Grandma,
To be accurate, I’ve changed all your covid references to Covid-19. I hope you don’t mind….
FWIW, I was just as finicky when I proofread Barb’s blog post. 🙂
No problem!
🙂
Hi Anonymous Grandma, you said,
Me too! That’s exactly how I feel.
Barbara, wow, as usual you hit the nail squarely on the head. Thanks for all you do!! 💕
Thank you leaningonhope. I am feeling that I may not write anything ever again, but it’s nice to know that you think I hit the nail on the head with this post.
Dear Barbara,
As always, please edit or refuse to publish this if it’s inappropriate for any reason. My goal is to show support and understanding for you, not to do or say something stupid.
I hope that you are taking all the time you need to regroup and find healing from your recent traumatic events, and then decide what is your best way forward. I cannot know if you need to stop writing for a time, or altogether, or not at all, but God knows and I do know that you walk closely with Him. This is between you and Him, that’s all that really matters.
For my part, I very well might not still be breathing if not for what you write. You are the second person / site I found as the blackness of my lifetime of chronic abuse started to lift. The first person I found was Danni Moss and by that time she had already gone Home to Jesus. You are still here, and for me that was and is very important. I hope you never stop writing, but it is your call. I understand that everyone needs time off, everyone needs a break sometimes, especially in the face of increasing torment, and each person gets to live their life as they see fit, including you and your choice to write or not to write.
This sounds a lot like a satanic attack to me. I am no expert, but I am aware enough to know that evil abounds, and the evil one loves nothing better than to use those we love and trust to wound, traumatize, and destroy us. Without boring you with details, I have been no contact with my narcissistic-dad for 15 years now, and no contact with my psycho-sister for 3+ years so far. Last year I had to let go of two long term “friendships” which I finally realized were toxic, much to my shock and dismay. One is a selfish, toxic, angry jerk and the other an introverted covert narcissist. Knowing this makes many confusing events much more clear, but it is still sad for me. More so because I also moved, [very recently], across America from coast to coast, [many] miles just to be where I grew up and where I thought I had friends and family. I thought wrong. I moved again [much more recently], and left my home state forever. I never expected to keep moving for my entire adult life, so I understand moving for good reasons that can quickly sour.
There is more I could point to, but this is to show you that I understand without knowing any details – and I believe many here do as well.
Barbara I see you as I see John the Baptist. You are also a singular voice in the wind, a voice that people hear even when you whisper. You are a truth recognizer, a truth seeker, and a truth teller. Very few people are all three, you are actually the only one I sort-of know who is. I am only one of these, and I think most Christians, maybe all, are at least one, but only some are all three.
Please know, as I’m sure you do, that you are not alone. You are not alone in your assessment of the medical tyranny happening right in front of us today and you are not alone in your assessment of the tyranny of the many world governments. I am ashamed to say that it seems to me that America is leading the way directly down that dangerously wrong path, and away from truth and freedom.
Long ago now, C.S. Lewis spoke to a different problem that seems to be a continuing of what is happening in the world today. Perhaps it has been ongoing since humanity’s eviction from Eden, as I suspect. In any case, here are a few quotes so you will know that you are not alone, and you are indeed correct.
And for Americans and all others interested:
[For safety and protection, details in brackets have been lightly airbrushed. Link to Danni Moss’s website added. Editors.]
Thank you, Hope. I can’t write any more words than that at the moment.
It seems the abuser is trying to get their victim to reject their own personality in favour of the abuser’s. A sort of self-rejection of their own thinking because the abuser conditions the victim that their own thinking / personality will cause themselves and others harm or some other negative consequences will come about as a result.
Those who give [in] seem to become abusers themselves because they believe the abuse is just normal behaviour. Plus if the abuser keeps them isolated from others, they’ve no one else to compare and contrast that behaviour to [to] see if it genuinely is normal or not.
Those more resistant, those who refuse to give in, often suffer the worst abuse. These people are fighters and will resist most and any attempts to bully them into being something else.
So an abuser keeping someone isolated for their own protection, or the protection of others, could be a significant point here. To prevent that victim from discovering from others that the abuse isn’t normal. Some of the more resistant, however, often know that the abuse isn’t normal and still fight back regardless of being isolated. It really depends on the individual.
[Words in square brackets added for readability. Eds.]