The abuser accuses his allies when they abandon him: case study—Saeed Abedini’s FB rants
Saeed Abedini’s recent Facebook rants are typical of the language abusers use when their other tactics of abuse are ceasing to be effective and they believe they have no other way of regaining the upper hand. Have a look at these examples of Saeed Abedini’s Strange Online Behavior which Julie Anne Smith has gathered together and commented on at Spiritual Sounding Board.
Having looked at those examples of Saeed ranting, it seems to me that his tactics of ‘playing the Christian Nice Guy’ to recruit and maintain allies among people of influence are becoming ineffective. It appears that the noose is tightening in on him. I’m not sure how the noose is tightening, but I could make a fair guess because I’ve heard so many reports of how abusers behave.
When the abuser realizes he
- may loose financial support
- may have to fork out big $$
- may lose contact with his kids or his visitation time may be greatly diminished
- may be put in jail
- may deported from the country
- may have to pay substantial alimony
- won’t be appointed to go on mission trips or given leadership positions any more
- may be forced by the court to give a reasonable financial settlement to his ex-wife
— basically anything which will really sting him, or really poke a hole in his ability to con people, when those things are looming up and he can’t see a way out of the noose, he often doesn’t bother with the nice guy act any more.
Finally the abuser’s forked tongue is out there for all to see
The abuser starts to publicly accuse those who were once his allies but are no longer his allies. He makes these false accusations boldly and ferociously, without trying to restrain or hide his forked tongue.
The abuser’s primary victim has felt the lashings of his forked tongue for many years. But now the abuser’s forked tongue is being seen by all the bystanders as well.
And the influential bystanders, the pastors and celebrities who’d backed him up and propped him up, are probably quite aware of what he is doing … but don’t hold your breath for those influential people to publicly announce “We were duped! We confess we were bonkers to have backed this man! Please forgive us!”
What is the abuser’s agenda at this point?
While the abuser’s machine-gun mouth is firing out false accusations not only at his ex-spouse but at his former allies, he is simultaneously depicting himself as the victim. He used to depict his primary victim as his persecutor. Now he depicts everyone who once supported him as his persecutors. This includes even those who once took the neutral stance but are now dropping that neutrality and actually giving him the cold shoulder.
He tries to bully everyone into believing that HE is the most persecuted saint in all the world. If he can bully his residue of allies to not listen to the people who are now treating him like a leper, if he can recruit more allies from the giant flock of foolish and naive sheep, then fewer bystanders will support his primary victim. That’s his agenda: he wants to keep his primary victim isolated and thus prolong her suffering and throw spanners in the works of her healing. And if he can punish a few of his former allies along the way, that’s all well and good. After all, in his mind he is totally right and anyone who thinks he is not right has to be punished for thinking that he is not right.
His agenda is revenge. He hates the fact that his primary victim has escaped him and got free from his clutches. And he wants to take revenge on her no matter what it takes. He is virtually obsessed with this payback agenda and he does really stupid things, like biting the hands of the people who were supporting him in the past.
That’s a pretty stupid act for an abuser: to attack the celebrities who had given him credibility with the masses. But in his profoundly distorted his mindset, he actually thinks it is a good and sensible and JUSTIFIED thing to do.
At this point, is the abuser becoming unhinged?
This is very important point I’m about to make, so grab your highlighter pens.
When an abusive man does this he is not becoming ‘unhinged’. Unhinged suggests ‘crazy’ or ‘mentally ill’. But the abuser has been this evil for a long long time already. The abuser has had this distorted mindset for years, probably decades … and he has usually got more evil over those years. The abusive man does not behave this way because is ‘crazy’ or ‘mentally ill’. The abusive man behaves this way because he has an ABUSE problem. His thinking and his beliefs are profoundly distorted and he has seared his conscience so he believes he is fully entitled to treat people this way. It’s just now showing to the public view. His wife has been subjected to this evil of his for years.
Remember, an abuser has an ABUSE problem. If he also has a mental illness, his mental illness will tend to make him a more dangerous abuser, but it won’t make him into an abuser. An abusive man who has a mental illness has two problems, an abuse problem, and a mental illness problem …. and if it’s a mental illness which can be effectively treated, and not all can, treating it will not fix his abuse problem. See our tag Mental Illness in Abusers.
The abuser is not ‘unhinged’ at this point or at any point. The abuser has been evil for years. “Evildoer” is a Biblical word.
So let’s not say anything that recycles the myths that give abusers excuses. And let’s not use language that obfuscates the fact that abuser are evildoers.
And as we often say on this blog, we know that sometimes the abuser is female. It’s just too awkward to keep saying he/she & his/her; we wish the English language had a singular person pronoun that covered either sex without depicting individuals as androgynous.
Thank you to Dr Liam Goligher for reminding me recently about the word bonkers! In this sermon Liam said it is bonkers to believe that the Son is eternally in subordination to the Father.
For Further Reading:
“To every man an answer,” but if it’s an abused woman, let’s lance her! — This post gives an example of “word salad language” uttered by a pastor who was advising a victim of domestic abuse on the radio.