How to Heal ANY Marriage – Really Henry Cloud?? Really??
UPDATE Sept 2021: Barbara Roberts has come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
One of our readers sent us a “devotional” that she received* from Bible Gateway, lauding the miraculous healing powers of Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries school of counseling. We know that some of Cloud and Townsend’s points have been helpful. We all do need to learn about boundary setting. Abusers are notorious boundary violators. But what follows here, posted by Bible Gateway and written by Henry Cloud (taken from one of his books) is just…just… – well, you all fill in the adjectives. Man! We all must have been pretty dense for going through all the misery dealt us by abusers. All we had to do was buy these guys’ books and do what they say and it all would have been fixed.
Let me just begin with this blurb by Bible Gateway about the Boundaries counseling materials:
This week’s reading is drawn from “Boundaries In Marriage”. They’re at the forefront of today’s Christian counseling movement, and now Drs. Cloud and Townsend help guide couples. Recommending boundaries even in marriage, they show how respecting a spouse’s personal “territory” actually strengthens a relationship as well as how to safeguard marriage from intruders such as idols, affairs, and well-meaning parents. A Focus on the Family Recommendation.
And there you are. The forefront! These guys are “out there” alright! Anyway, here you go with Henry Cloud’s take on how to heal any, yep, any marriage. (Sarcasm aside for a moment, I suspect Cloud would, if confronted on this, make some caveat for abuser marriages?? I hope? Maybe? Or maybe not? But the fact is that Bible Gateway put this out with no caveat at all, causing all kinds of turmoil and confusion for abuse victims). Here ya go!
How To Heal Any Marriage
Colossians 3:12-14 –“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
I (Dr. Cloud) was leading a seminar, and I asked the audience of married couples to stop for a moment and think of their spouse. I told them to think of all of the wonderful things that they love about their spouse and to concentrate on how awesome that person is and how much they love him or her. “Think of the wonderful qualities that you admire and that attracted you to that person. Let those feelings fill you,” I told them.
Then, after they were feeling all giddy and in love again, I asked each person to turn to their spouse who was idealizing them at that moment and to repeat after me, “Honey, I am a sinner. I will fail you, and I will hurt you.”
You could feel the sense of discombobulation in the room. In one moment, they were shaken from the ideal to the real. Some began to laugh as they got it. Some felt even closer to each other. Some looked up confused as if they did not know what to do with my invitation.
But that is reality. The person you love the most and have committed your life to is an imperfect being. This person is guaranteed to hurt you and fail you in many ways, some serious and some not. You can expect the failures to come. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:20, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.” We can expect failure from even the best people in our lives.
So the question becomes, “What then?” What do you do when your spouse fails you in some way or is less than you wish for him to be? What happens when she has a weakness or a failure? How about an inability to do something? What about an unresolved childhood hurt that he brings to the relationship?
Other than denial, there are only a couple of options. You can beat him up for his imperfections, or you can love him out of them. The Bible says, “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Nothing in a relationship has to permanently destroy that relationship if forgiveness is in the picture. No failure is larger than grace. No hurt exists that love cannot heal. But, for all of these miracles to take place, there must be compassion and tenderheartedness.
What does that mean? I like how the Bible describes God’s compassion: “to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior” (Strong’s Hebrew and Greek Dictionary). For God to have compassion on our brokenness or sin is certainly to stoop to an inferior. But we need the same attitude toward an equal spouse for two reasons:
First, you forgive what is inferior to the ideal standard. You humble yourself to identify with your loved one, who is experiencing life in a way that is less than you or even he would want. You give up all demands for your spouse to be something he isn’t at that moment.
Second, if your spouse is hurting or failing, you are not morally superior, but you are in the stronger position at that moment to be able to help. God never uses the stronger position to hurt, but always to help. As Paul puts it in Colossians 3:12-14, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
What a picture that is! “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” What if you “wore” these qualities every time your spouse failed or was hurting? I think we would see a lot more healed marriages.
But that is not the human way. The human way is to harden our hearts when we are hurt or offended.
I was talking to a friend the other day who had offended his wife in a relatively minor way. But to her it was not minor at all. As a result, she did not speak to him for several days. Finally he asked her when she might forgive him. “Will it be before next month? Before Christmas? Just let me know so I can get ready.” She finally broke and started laughing, and things were fine again. She saw how unnecessary her “hardness of heart” was to the offense.
Hardness of heart, much more than failure, is the true relationship killer. Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 that failure is not the cause of divorce, but hardness of heart is. This is why the Bible places such a high value on tenderheartedness.
End of quote. Return to reality. Maybe we should have a contest to see who can identify the most victim-guilting, shaming, sin-minimizing words and phrases in these paragraphs! Or at least a weekly trophy awarded by ACFJ to the most ridiculous, victim-victimizing article found that week. I bet you all could suggest some names for such a trophy!!
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Coda from Barb
Actually Jeff, I have a suggestion for the name of that trophy:
The Mumpsimus Trophy (or the Mumpsimus Award)
definition in the Oxford:
1. A traditional custom or idea adhered to although shown to be unreasonable.
2. A person who obstinately adheres to old customs or ideas in spite of evidence that they are wrong or unreasonable.
definition of mumpsimum (word 12) in Mirriam-Webster’s list of 22 Charming Words for Nasty People
a bigoted adherent to exposed but customary error
Origin, Mid 16th century: erroneously for Latin sumpsimus in quod in ore sumpsimus ‘which we have taken into the mouth’ (from the Eucharist), in allusion to the story of an illiterate priest who, when corrected for reading quod in ore mumpsimus, replied ‘I will not change my old mumpsimus for your new sumpsimus’.
The article about mumpsimus in Wikipedia shows that the word has a venerable history in Christian usage. It seems to have been coined during the Protestant Reformation and has been used by eminent persons like William Tyndale, Hugh Latimer and Henry VIII.
*The devotional was sent to our reader by email, as part of a devotional she had signed up for on BibleGateway.com.