The Lord shielded not my eyes but my soul from the filth on the screen
Some domestic abusers are addicted to porn as well as being abusive to their wives in a pattern of coercive control.
This is an account from a happily married woman who supported a victim as she divorced her abuser. She discovered that this abuser, among his other sins, was addicted to gay porn. The story came to me by email and we are republishing it here in disidentified form with the author and the victim’s permission.
Trigger warning for those who have been affected by pornography.
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I must tell you how God took us through discovering the gay porn. The victim’s lawyer, more than a year previously, had postulated that the abuser was possibly gay, but we were like “Oh, no . . . not him.” As typical in a domestic abuse situation, she had no access to financial records but, per the divorce process, he was required to release to her both joint and individually held banking statements.
He claimed he was too poor to support her, but she knew he’d laundered money so she asked for my help in looking over the statements so she could tabulate where the money all went. We began noticing anomalies—“blank” spots—and realized the originals of the copies she was in possession of had been altered prior to being copied. Sometimes the business, phone and city were obscured leaving only the amount of the purchase and the date. Other times just the name was covered up. A pattern began to be revealed. The hidden information was usually on entries of one of several identical dollar amounts and sometimes on a date repeated monthly. So we began scrutinizing the entries on just those particular dollar amounts debited from the account and found each had concealed portions.
Then we found one he missed and googled the name of the business. Oh. My. God. I was horrified at what I saw and was glad she was away from the computer at that moment. Sometimes just googling the 800 number on the bank statement brought up websites with repugnant sexual acts being, apparently, performed live. Upon discovering different entries that were missed, or masked in an incomplete manner, the search became more diligent throughout the several years of statements she had been provided with of several accounts.
To protect her from emotional trauma I was the one that was tasked with opening all the websites as the information in the bank statements was googled. All were hard core gay pornography. The next step was copying the URL’s into a document, then print screening the home page of the deviant websites into the document to prove that these bank statement entries were purchases of porn. Dignity insisted that I cover the naked parts with blocks of color so I could still allow the website’s confirming contact info to show in the document. Once the urge to vomit passed, things from their dysfunctional marriage suddenly began to make sense to her. Even just the few years provided showed thousands of dollars squandered on this addiction.
At two weeks of computer researching and documenting (yes, there was that much) this immorality *I* needed to be prayed for at church—I realized a gloom and heaviness had cloaked me and I didn’t even want to go to church…highly unusual for me. The Lord was faithful to lift that oppression.
In subsequent weeks I had to organize and print the documentation for the victim to give to her lawyer. From the beginning I would always put my hand up to partially block the screen from my eyes when I first opened one of those awful sites, but after prayer I can only explain my experience like on Star Trek when they would “raise shields”. It was like a grey mist came up and shielded not my eyes but my soul from the filth on the screen. I could still see everything in color, but it was truly a spiritual masking. There was no titillation, no anything, though more than once I (like my friend, too) felt like I would vomit from the degeneracy exhibited.
I am so grateful to the Lord for being faithful to protect my heart and soul when I had to wade through the unflushed toilet of depravity.