Here is email I received today from a survivor which I’m publishing with her permission. I’m sure many of our readers will relate.
The closer it gets to the end of the divorce I doubt myself more and think did I make more of this than I should have? Should I have tried harder in counseling? My soon to be ex and his family make everything my fault and continue to deny any abuse and try to make me look crazy and religious. (it’s all about relationship)
I’m really hurting and emotional the closer it gets to the end. I’ve never been so hurt by someone and his family in so many ways. I know God cares…it just seems like He doesn’t hear me. (I know His ways are not ours) I’m scared because I’ve gone too far with God to go back to the way it was before, but I’m mad because my entire life has been turned upside down and in chaos. (I’m sure this sounds really selfish…frustrated because my plans didn’t work out) does it really get better? I’m scared I’m getting bitter and I’ve never been to a point where I’d rather die than live because it hurts so much. Is this normal? Do other people feel this way? I am still very isolated…I have no family in the state I live in and am very bullied by my soon to be ex and his giant family. I have two girl friends I trust. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up! How selfish is that?!? I’m tired of the fight and struggle. I hope Christ comes back soon!!!
A Cry For Justice 
We are walking the same tumultuous road. From me to you, you are doing the right thing. I promise. Your doubts and questions and utter exhaustion are the result of what has been done to you. It stinks. It is incredibly hard. But you are doing the right thing. You are in my prayers tonight
and welcome to you, too, ithurtssometimes. (that’s great screen name 🙂 )
I was divorced on August 20, 2013 in 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes to nail the coffin shut on 25 years. Yeah, sister, I know how you feel. Prior to that day my daughter got in my face and we had a big blow up, but it really cleared the air and let me know that I needed to do something else with my life beside ruminating and complaining (a work in progress).
Even now, I am sorting out the mess…
My life with ex was horrible, my life without ex doesn’t seem to be much better…at least for now.
Where was God in all this? Like a brother wrote on this blog, it wasn’t God Who broke His promises to me, but man-distorted theologies that tried to take the place of the TRUE love God gives me.
Look up Kim Walker-Smith, “Unstoppable Love” we are doing this one at church tomorrow (I am playing keys, yay! love to give what He gives!). This song blessed me.
Dear one,
I was in your shoes about a year and a bit ago. It looked like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I was so emotionally damaged and physically ill, and felt like you did. I had to completely move out of my home town to go live with family for awhile to rebuild myself and get the support that I needed. I ail not go into all the details, but I want to re-assure you that God can heal our damaged lives and hearts. I am in a different place now. God has begun to heal the scars a bit at a time. I still have flashbacks, and sometimes I hear the lies in my head that were told to me about myself, but one by one they are being replaced with God’s truth. It took me finally moving away and distancing myself from my ex and his crazy parents to make me realize that I was not the crazy one. With the support of my family, and a good counsellor, and God’s help I have found a better life for me and my daughter. Praying that God would lift you up today in His loving arms and let you rest in His arms.
God bless.
Thank you for your reply, Aurora, and welcome to the blog. 🙂
How were you able to move with kids? I’m battling that right now..my soon to be ex knows I have no family here. My family all live in another state. He knows that I have no family support here in this state and my soon to be ex loves it! The custody evaluator in our case made me look very weak in our report which I believe to be because of all the abuse I’ve endured. The GAL in our case was completely snowed by my husband’s charm. (the GAL was a female) I’m praying for a miracle that God will deliver me and my children from evil!!! Please pray with me for this. Thanks
I felt that way for several years while still being in the relationship. I wanted to die. I wanted the Lord to come back so the pain I was feeling would go away and I would be free. I thought I was crazy while thinking “What really happened”. Maybe it was just me? But there were few days that went by that he didn’t remind me in some way that it was not me and he was trying to make me doubt myself. I was Legally Separated on August 26,2013 and he is still trying to make me doubt myself.
My closest family member lives hours away. I rarely saw his family and now they don’t even forward emails to me any longer. Right now I feel isolated, but I felt that way while living with him. I have no true friends that I can share with. Last night I realized that I am afraid to walk into an event with a large number of people. I talked myself out of going to a church event, because I was going alone. The service I attend on Sunday morning has at most 30 people and have grown comfortable being there. Today is a Missions Conference and most of the church will attend both services while guest missionaries will be preaching. Getting through this is not going to be easy. I feel panic thinking about it. Too many people, with too many questions.
God knows what we are going through, He hears us, but He works in His time not ours. I need strength that comes only from Him. I need Him to hold my hand and walk into service with me or perhaps push me there. We are all going through something during these times. It is just a matter of what. I think this morning I would still like the Lord to just take me home. This is too hard.
Oy…I know that feeling. Like, “What good is all this pain doing for anybody else? It’s killing me.”
Then, God says, “Wait upon the Lord, He provides in due season.”
Been waiting, but probably not as well as I should…
I don’t think you are selfish. You are mourning. You are mourning the loss of everything good you rightfully wanted, but were denied. I am five years into this journey. It will get better. I was told in the early days that I needed to go through this period to get to the other side. For me, it was the first time I was facing reality head on – betrayals, abuse, etc. It’s a lot to come to terms with, and I realize now that I used to anesthetize myself with wishful thinking and denial, but now I found myself dealing with reality, and it hurt. A lot. There are a few things I did at the time that were particularly helpful. I listened to good sermons (Tim Keller is a favorite – Redeemer Presbyterian Church: Sermons – Despair [Internet Archive link]) I listened to music, and I prayed in a posture of leaning – I would curl up and lean my head against the back of a chair and imagine that I was leaning on God. Sometimes my posture was my prayer; I had no words. Performing daily tasks kept me moving forward, too. Spending time with the friends I had left and forcing myself outward helped. Think of 2 Thess. 2:13-16 Stand firm, lean on Jesus – both can be done at the same time! You are walking a path that Jesus walked first, and those of us who are also following are calling back to you to let you know it will be ok. It will be better, not because we promise, but because He who promised is faithful. Hang in there, sister.
Welcome to the blog, HeIsFaithful. So nice to hear another new voice! We are growing by the day, new members of the family. . . 🙂
As I have read these responses to “A Cry from the Heart,” I just wanted to write that I am so sad for those of you who have suffered and are continuing to suffer. Your grief is meaningful and you may not learn how meaningful until you meet our Lord! I am encouraged by HelsFaithful’s comments. I am doing a lot of the same things to get myself mobile and moving rather than staying in the mirey clay that results from being abused and drawing away from that abuse. I read books, I listen to and watch sermons, I try to stay as busy around my home as possible. I am a retired teacher and I am blessed with my own home and land. So, I have plenty to keep me busy. Thank God I did not sell my home and move in with my husband 10 months ago when we married. I have found comfort in playing and singing old hymns on an old pump organ inside a little country chapel that isn’t used for church services. It’s a privately owned chapel but I am a friend of the family so I have free visitation rights! It’s such a special place and I always sense the strong presence of the Lord there. It’s tucked away at the edge of some woods so it’s like a precious haven of rest for me. I am separated from my abusive husband for over 3 months now and live 9 miles from his house. I have discontinued attending our church because I cannot stand to see his “pretense” there. Most of my closest church friends realize my pain and they are quite supportive of my need for peace away from the church. Once I have gained enough strength (it’s building everyday), I will return to my church. Counseling did nothing but make things worse for me and my spouse. He grew more bitter after each session. The truth hurts him and he feels trapped whenever the truth is spoken. I am wondering if abusers may not be demonically oppressed or possessed in some cases. It’s hard to believe that this man was so charming and sweet and seemingly “spiritually” ready to lead in a marriage. Then, the “other” guy showed up within a week of our marriage. There has been a gradual intensity in his abusiveness and his tactics have multiplied over the months. It’s almost like he’s being “carried” forward by something evil and he has no real control anymore. How did he control himself so well until after the wedding? That’s the maddening thing! One cannot figure out how their minds work. I am so glad to have found this blog. God bless you all!
Dear FaceofFlint,
I think there are cases where there is possession. I have witnessed some abusers that have signs of it. There are also cases of hidden mental illness, which is what I witnessed. I used to think it was the drinking that was the problem, but now I realize that it was only a symptom of deeper issues. So good to know you have a place of peace and safety in which you can stay. May God give you strength and joy as you heal.
FaceofFlint — welcome, and g’day mate! 🙂
Don’t know where you are, but y’know I’m an Aussie so it sometimes just comes out.
Yes, I agree, there is probably a demonic element in some of this abuse stuff (if not most of it). We’ve heard testimonies at the blog and by email from survivors who say they felt/saw the evil when their ex was at his most vicious. The deadness and emptiness and darkness and evil in their eyes or their voice. Or their sheer vibe-presence. And I’ve had a number of encounters with the demonic myself over my life (sometimes in relation to an abuser, sometimes just at night while I’m nearly asleep), so I know it is real.
Have an ex like that and a current separated husband like that. After two men who are a users and liars and who have no empathy and who turn their families on me, I am exhausted. Evil people do more damage in our society than people realize. They murder spirits and souls. I survived the first who litigated after forever to keep me under his thumb until I had no savings left. During that my even more sick current husband blamed me and walked put. Men who have no character make me weep for our future. Thx for sharing.
Sent from my iPhone
I can relate. I feel that way too. I recently pressed charges against my soon to be ex. I want him to feel my pain. I lost who I was because of his emotional and sexual abuse. I beg God daily for help to keep going. I take it one day at a time.
You are not alone; there are many of us, in or formerly in the church, who have gone through what you describe – every part of it. The feelings of abandonment by family, friends, public in general and the body of Christ are real for many of us and based on reality. Many, many just do not understand the subtlety of abuse. I wish it were different. When the church and its leaders fully accept the definition of abuse that is posted on this blog, there will be more support for women like us.
Until then, know that this DOES take a long time. A wonderful separation and divorce seminar – Fresh Start – talks about all the stages of this difficult time. It is very helpful – especially for women, but doesn’t necessarily include the pain of abuse or the mental manipulation that occurs over the years. Undoing those years of mental “crazy making” (a term from a book long ago – don’t remember the title) takes a LONG time. I have been helped by reading books on verbal abuse and passive aggressiveness. I will admit to not being very interested right now in what sermons say as I’m still stinging from the lack of support. (BUT having sat in church for decades for sermons, Bible studies, women’s Bible studies and memorizing scripture, God remains there, patiently waiting for me to come back.)
I had a 27 year abusive marriage (I didn’t even realize was “abusive” – just difficult and seemingly too hard for me to manage) and began the walk you describe of pain, questioning, second guessing and feeling alone. I was so starved for a respectful, loving relationship that I jumped in too quickly with someone new. He fed my starved soul with words I wanted to hear – making me feel beautiful (for the first time in my life), encouraging my creativity and romancing me. He met everyone in my life – church included. After two years of dating and then engagement and me thinking that I knew everything with my older, wiser brain, everything began to change right after the wedding. The lies were uncovered and some of the same behavior from the FIRST marriage started again. So, I am back to what you describe having those same thoughts and feelings. THIS time, I recognize that I didn’t grieve the first marriage so I’m grieving both and going through the process of learning what has happened to me and learning (sometimes) that I didn’t go for the right (professional) kind of help sooner (NOT pastors, who just don’t know enough about abuse). So, like Lisa, I am exhausted by all of it and have a hard time “moving on” as the world would say. It is day by day and most of us have legal issues on top of all of this and financial problems as well.
Now I know that I need much more strength, and that I have to be patient with myself. I go to a professional counselor almost every week and am grateful for that ability and a low co-pay so that I can afford this. I try to remind myself that I have been abused by both men, and I now recognize that the pattern was set when I was a girl and not taught to have self-respect and self-love.
Abuse is SO real, yet SO invisible.
Hi YepI’veDoneItTwice, welcome 🙂 And if I chose to use a screen name on this blog, I think I would chose MeToo, in response to yours.
MeToo, too!!
“Abuse is SO real, yet SO invisible.”
Sometimes it seems that even when it is visible, many people refuse to see it. It seems they are blinded by their own mindset.
Why is it that it is often the woman who is regarded as the problem, regardless of the circumstances? Why is it that it is the whistleblower who gets attacked? Why are people not prepared to help the victims? It’s sickening!
I have found so much more on this blog that helps makes sense of all the confusion than on any other site.
“Many, many just do not understand the subtlety of abuse. I wish it were different.”
So very true what you said here!! My ex-idiot is in the process of moving to another state and he had my oldest pack and move all his stuff to storage while he sat and played on the computer. My oldest was juggling a new college semester, now job and had been watching my ex-idiot’s dogs. So when the idiot had left I went over with other kids and friends to help my oldest get the rest of the stuff in storage. I was trying to explain why I did this. I had to help my son. There was limited time and friends were saying he, my son, needed to just “put up his boundaries and say no”. Not near as easy as it sounds and trying to explain dealing with a manipulative person to someone who never has had to live with one…It is not just a matter of saying no. It is choosing when to say no and if it is worth it.
“and if it is worth it.”
oh how true that is. and how misunderstood by those who have not gone through it. I am constantly still asked “why did you let him take all the money off you and control all the spending?” and “why did you sign the remortgage papers if you didn’t agree?” how do you explain that it just wasn’t worth the fallout if you didn’t go along? Especially if, like me, you are still at the slowly awakening stage, yet still trying to be very fair and non judgemental. I was sure he was going to get us further and further into debt and was going to use money to abuse me. But I couldn’t, from a sense of justice, accuse him of this before he had done it. I had no evidence but my gut. Turned out to be accurate but its not evidence that he would accept or that anyone else would accept.
We are trained from infancy that you grow up, get married and have babies or at least I was. The husband is the ruler of the roost. What he says goes no matter how it will hurt the family. It has taken so many years to untwist that lie in my brain. I worked, I earned, it was not all his money. I didn’t have to sign if it wasn’t in our best interests. And most of the time it wasn’t worth the ongoing anger that would be endured if I didn’t do as I was instructed. It doesn’t matter if other people understand. They will never understand unless they have to go through it at some point. I pray they don’t, but pray they have compassion without understanding. They have no right to judge.
It is so difficult to understand how these men rationalize their behavior. The same thing happened to me with my recent second marriage—-the man I saw standing in the church sanctuary so handsome and so seemingly ready to be a good Christian husband became totally impossible to live with in a matter of 7 months. Roller coaster ride BIGTIME! I think that’s the most maddening thing—trying to figure out how in the world I was so deceived! I’m trying to clear my heart and spirit this week of the unforgiveness and hurt! I feel a great need to get all of this behind me so that I can serve God in the best possible way. And as you write, it’s hard to move on to a brighter place. One thing I read today is that I must step back and remind myself every day that God sees and knows all that I’ve suffered and it’s His battle, not mine anymore. He’ll bring justice in His own timing and in His own way! I must clear my heart of any bitterness and any unforgiveness first. I suppose In time the hurt will diminish! I just want to quit thinking about it!
This is the unjust hellish suffering to which the church calls… no… demands of goldy wives and their children. While at best, the wicked man enslaving them is given a slight slap on the wrist. If the blood of righteous Able called to God how much more so the blood and tears of untold numbers of abused spouses; oppressed and afflicted to the point of desiring death? This post reinforces that abuse is death to our hopes and death to our souls. Jesus, on the other hand, is pro-life! He delivers from death. What will God’s justice look like upon those who abuse in His name?
The same emotions and thoughts overwhelm me also. The same doubts about God because of the lies of men. I am also walking through this valley of the shadow of death along with all of you. After reading Psalm 23 this morning and reading this post along with the comments; I imagined instead of just one lonely soul in the dark so thick it can be felt, a throng following the Good Shepherd out of the darkened valley, past the shadows, and into His Light.
The enemies that wish to destroy us convince us otherwise, but the Lord tenderly cares for me and you. It took years to do this harm. It takes time to untie all the knots put in our brains. The Lord restores our souls. He comforts us. He protects us. He is patient. That is the God’s honest truth written in His word. I know that. And yet I struggle. I’ve had the fleeting thought before, “Has anyone ever thought about committing suicide just to be with the Lord and to finally be free from suffering?” It is now clear I’m not the only one to think such things. Another knot untied.
The Lord does understand. He is tender, loving, compassionate, kind and patient. He understands and sympathizes with our sorrow and pain. He was also overwhelmed in the garden as He prayed for relief. He was rejected, slandered, and abused. He is the Good Shepherd who empathizes with the oppression and affliction of His sheep. We are NOT alone. That is a lie from the enemy. May the Lord heal and restore us all. May I be patient with His timetable and trust in Him. If He should untie all the knots at once, surely I would come undone.
Thank you, “Friend of the Oppressed”. This is Sunday when I enjoy privacy and solitude (even though feeling internally alone, I no not have much privacy due to my living situation). Your words (for me) were gentle and reminding, yet not pushy. And yes, we all need to remember that we’re not alone in this suffering and struggle. Thank you for your words and I hope it helped the others as well.
Thank you, FOTO, for this balm.
I am so glad for the throng. . . to know we are all companionable supporting each other — it’s an inestimable gift. Bless you.
Great words of truth. Great counsel.
“I know God cares…it just seems like He doesn’t hear me. ”
I want to encourage you that you are not alone. In fact, you are SO not alone that there is a psalm writer with you. I would highly encourage you to read Psalm 42 and 43. A quote from 42:
This is HOLY SCRIPTURE where the writer is openly questioning God’s faithfulness even as he tells his soul to find hope in God.
“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”
This is a picture of struggling in pain. In fact, these Psalms read remarkably like your letter (to me).
If you are bitter, then so is the Bible. You are in good company I think.
But beyond that, let me encourage you that I’ve been there (I used to say “I would give up if I just knew what that looked like!”), and as painful as this is, there is light and restoration. In the end, God will do good things in your life and you will be strong again. I was exactly where you are, and I’m so much stronger now than I have ever been before. My faith is real in a way that it never was before.
There are so many beautiful responses here. I feel like if this was really just a group of crazy, bitter people… well.. we just wouldn’t be here. I see so much hope… hope in hurting people reaching out to each other for strength and support.. and hope in the beautiful verses and thoughts that are shared. So thankful for this place.
So maybe God is working with all of us who have been through many years of hard times. Maybe He is molding us to be with He wants us to be – in His time – not ours. Maybe we are all in a school of being able to help younger women in the future to not make the same mistakes we made when we committed to men who did not respect us as fellow creatures of God. Ladies – let’s do what we can to help these younger women in our future – when we are stronger to stand on our own two feet again.
Amen!
That is how I have been feeling. I am not suppose to reconcile the past. It is not up to me. It is all in God’s hands. I do feel that I am gaining strength for a purpose yet to come. Maybe we all are. I want to take a leap of faith and search out that person who needs someone, even if all they need is someone to listen.
Amen. So many hurting people who need someone who will listen without condemning.
In fact, my long range plan is to train to be a hotline listener. I think we have all seen the lack in this area and I do believe this is God’s way to make all things work together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose.
Heather 2,
Is there a hotline where you would be allowed to also witness your faith? I have called into the Underground Railroad in my area and they barely have response other than “It is up to you”. Don’t get me wrong, I agree, but I wanted to hear some options. I would love to give Jesus as an option. Brenda
Brenda, in my area it is completely secular but they provided me with non condemning listening hearts. I am aware that in their training they are not permitted to share the Gospel, which is sad. However, I know that a counsellor would be able to pray for those who call without anyone but The Lord hearing. For me, that is something which God can use. We really don’t know how He works in hearts under all circumstances. But we are assured that His Spirit is always at work!
Because I have had such a traumatic experience by those I believed to be my Christian friends I wouldn’t be surprised that unbelievers would be wary. I know that when I was walking in deep darkness the last thing I needed was someone to give me the “Jesus loves you” line. While very true, it can come across as patronising and cruel.
We who have been traumatised have been given hearts to reach out and to listen. I know that each of us have first hand experience.
You’ve given me much to think about. Thank you for your input and experience.
I’ve been here as well. After three and a half years of separation, divorce, boomeranging back to try to reconcile, etc. I am finally beginning to see and feel some of the pain leaving me. The doubts are horrendous. I remember not wanting to wake up in the morning for months on end. I called hotlines to share my pain. I didn’t think I would try to end my life, but I wanted the pain, anguish and confusion to go away. I knew God was with me. I poured out my prayers through time spent in the Psalms. I felt tremendous guilt. I lost most everyone in my circle. I was branded and judged by the very ones who should have comforted me. My ex, however, was embraced. That added more confusion to my already aching heart.
Now, I understand how much more God had me to go through in order to see people as they really are. He never left me. In the valley of darkness He showed me who was trustworthy. Not many, but enough. I was shown love by some I would least have expected it.
I’m still processing. I have my bad days. But they are not as often. I have never hated my ex. I always forgave. But I also didn’t hold him to account for all of the pain and disrespect he caused me over three decades. I learned all too well what I was taught in church about bring a good wife, forgiveness, etc. Now I am having to unlearn the lies and develop an understanding of what God actually says and means in His Word. Hard work? Most definitely! But well worth it.
In the end, regardless of the cheating, lying, withholding my financial rights, turning my kids against me for a season, and everything else, if he truly repents I would expect him to acknowledge what he did. If not, one day The Lord Himself will judge him and God’s justice will be final. I must rest in that, as we all must.
Take heart, as others who are in varying stages of this journey have said, there is an end to it. This season doesn’t last forever. Find strength in the One who loves you and holds you in His nail scarred hands.
What an encouraging thread!
Just nodding right along here. 🙂
I Thank God For You and Yes, You are a Survivor!! You have a New Beginning and Can be Happy in Your New Life!! God Bless You for Not being a victim no longer!!
Survivor-The bottom line is that you are not alone. The enemy always wants to convince us that we are fighting the battle alone and that God left a long time ago – but that is a lie. God has promised never to leave any of us. When the enemy speaks that to us, we need to refute it by reminding ourselves, that there is One faithful in our lives, and that is God, and He cannot lie – so that means without shadow of doubt, that His promise is true. He is with us – always – and could NEVER leave us.
I had some very good counsel given to me awhile back. It was that God expects me to get up and do every single thing I can to fight for truth and justice, but to leave the results and the way He brings it about, in His hands. Some times it is hard to continue the fight, because it’s as if we are fighting against a brick wall. When I feel things are at a loss and it is just no use, I still need to fight – even if it is just with tears and prayers – even the kind of prayer that just cries “Jesus!”.
I don’t know what God is going to do in my situation, but I still believe that even when it looks like I may have lost or be losing, I am still winning – because truth always prevails. It may not prevail today, but one day it will. In the meantime, we use that God given fight, to change things. Change the laws. Change the Judges. Change the Church. My pain is not for waste. God granted me and gave me His Salvation, so I would get up and do something great with it – and that is what I have determined in the midst of my pain and suffering, that I am going to do. I will speak God’s truth and allow it to bring change. I may not be able to do it everyday and certainly not with the strength of my own hand, but I can do it with His strength, as He gives it to me. God at work through me? Yep, He can change and correct all kinds of things, using my life – and yours!
IamMyBeloved’s,
Your response is powerful! Yes, we must always seek ways to fight for truth! If God brings something to our minds to try in our fight, we must try it without any regard for whether it will fail or succeed. As long as we are “doing” positive things in our fight to reveal truth, that in itself with strengthen us. God’s calls us to put forth that effort and then He’ll make of it what He wants and when He wants. We have to keep on trying and hoping that as God uses us, we will begin to see results! His power is beyond our understanding! So, I agree. He can change anyone and anything! And He will use us when we are totally willing to take a risk for His purposes! Thank you for your encouragement!
IAMB — AMEN
Came back to read the additional comments on this thread and have to agree with BIT, this is a great thread. GREAT. Praise God. Victors I pray you can hear the strength you are demonstrating by the power of the Spirit. The surrender to our Lord to work in our lives as HE wills and in HIS time all for His glory and your joy and delight.
Walking this road as we throw off the sackcloths of lies, of pain, surrendering our all to THEE ONE that never fails us. Thee One whom has walked the road of abuse before us and is calling us to Himself, to His glorious light, to His waiting arms of Comfort and Peace. Victors you have such words of wisdom here.
Friend Of The Oppressed commented:
Friend Of The Oppressed also commented:
Amen.