A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

The Sci-Fi Series part 4: The Mind Meld

A “mind-meld” is a technique for sharing thoughts, experiences, memories, and knowledge with another individual, essentially a limited form of telepathy — Wiki

Looks a great deal like this:

Equilibrium for Narcissists is a state of fusion with others who have something they need. Whether the Narcissist deliberately sets out to undermine your autonomy or just ignores your separate existence, that predisposition to fusion means that you will not only be expected to do what the Narcissist wants but to also know what that is, to want it yourself, and – this is important – to be able to produce it. It is as if you must live inside the Narcissist’s head, share her thoughts and feelings, and be able to perform things that even she isn’t able to do. Anything else is an affront to her Narcissistic sense of entitlement and need for perfect mirroring. Why Is It Always About You? — p 142

In his rational moments X realised that he thought I should be able to read his mind and that it was crazy. But when he wasn’t rational…  “Why is it so hot in here?” he’d scream. And my response was to turn the AC down or locate a fan to aim at him or put a cool towel on his feet. He screamed his question because he had been thinking about how hot he was for some time. Thinking it, and thinking it, and THINKING IT and I wasn’t responding to his thoughts. So he screamed and belittled. It was OBVIOUSLY too hot and I should’ve noticed it and if I cared about him at all I never would’ve let it get to that point. So he screamed because he was hot and he screamed because he was neglected. Nope. He screamed because he is a selfish abuser.

Trekkies, don’t read any farther.

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You were warned and your angry comments will be moderated.

Vulcans are not real. There’s no such thing as a mind-meld. “My mind to your mind… my thoughts to your thoughts…” won’t help me know if he’s hot or hungry or thirsty. I can’t read X’s thoughts and I shouldn’t have been expected to or screamed at or berated when I didn’t. It has taken a while to get free of this mindset. If I ever remarry, I don’t know what to expect. But I know that X’s mind-meld mentality was

.

wait for it

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illogical!

***

Posts in this series

Part 1: You will be assimilated.

Part 2: The Wraith

Part 3: Marilyn Munster

Part 4: Is this post.

Part 5: Your Jedi Mind Tricks Don’t Work Here

17 Comments

  1. Anon

    Oh my goodness – there’s actually a term for it! Mind melding was a regular occurrence in my marriage. Episodes went like this:

    *3 to 4 days (or more) of the silent treatment
    *Then I say: Is something bothering you?
    *His response: No, if you can’t figure it out by now there must not be a problem.
    *Then I say: I can’t read your mind.
    *His response: Just forget it.
    End of conversation.
    …until the next time I did something he didn’t like and then the silent treatment would be enacted again until I figured it out.

    • oh the silent treatment. That was one of his favorites (when threatening to beat me did not result in the response he was after). After a few days of the silent treatment towards the end I would just say “quit acting this way it’s idiotic”. That would set him off in a wild rage. 🙂 It’s only funny now!

      • Anon

        And for those who haven’t experienced the silent treatment on a regular basis – it is deafening!

  2. Leslie

    that predisposition to fusion means that you will not only be expected to do what the Narcissist wants but to also know what that is, to want it yourself, and – this is important – to be able to produce it. It is as if you must live inside the Narcissist’s head, share her thoughts and feelings, and be able to perform things that even she isn’t able to do.

    Wow. I’ve read this book but forgotten some if it obviously because this quote resonated so deeply in me. I remember SO MANY TImes when I was not ” performing” to his standards, not meeting his desires or needs , missing it yet again and wondering why I couldn’t get it right. I truly, very deeply thought there was something wrong with me. It is so refreshing, so healing to read this again and be assured that there is indeed something wrong with HIM!

    Whew. A long journey out of that mind meld for sure

  3. *amused* I don’t think you’re going to get angry comments from Trekkies, unless they are very delulsional. I’m a fan, and I didn’t see anything to get angry about.

    Anyway, my dad was like this all the time – he came into marriage thinking that he and my mom would develop some kind of mystical ‘soulmate’ bond and be able to know what each other was thinking and feeling – not literally, but just have a super-intense awareness of each other. I’ve seen it happen too, when he expects her to know something and when she gets it ‘wrong’ he blows up in a rage and if she tries to defend herself by saying well she didn’t know and he didn’t tell her and she can’t read his mind, and also she thinks the way she did it is perfectly fine, then the silent treatment starts, and he radiates anger and disapproval for days until he thinks she learned her lesson.

    We kids used to dread these fights, because the whole atmosphere of the house got even more tense and dark, and my mother would be miserable and my dad would talk to us, at least, but we wished he didn’t because he would take out his mood on us and be harsh and snapping, angry and critical about every little thing, yelling at us if we dared to make any noise or otherwise disturb him. You literally could not do anything right.

  4. Brenda R

    Isn’t that suppose to be half of the fun? If we all thought exactly alike, it would be a really boring world. It is nice to see an old couple who can finish each others sentences because they know each other so well. But what we’re talking about here just makes my stomach turn. I am finally starting to feel like I am halfway sane. It is not me. When the ex is not around I think clearly. It is much easier not having to know my mind and his too.

  5. fiftyandfree

    About six months after the wedding we had a huge blow up in which he announced definitely that he wanted a divorce. A few hours later he blew up at me because I didn’t come out onto the porch to watch the stars with him!!!! He insisted that the fight was over and that I should have known that, and that I should have come out and looked at the stars with him because he was no longer angry and he no longer wanted a divorce. He hadn’t said a word to me in hours, but I was supposed to know that he was wanting to be romantic again. This was a common tactic of his. Our arguments were always over when he decided they were over and I was supposed to jump on the “love wagon” the second he decided he wasn’t angry anymore. And of course, I was supposed to “know” when he was not angry anymore even if he hadn’t spoken a word to me in hours, or days.

    • Brenda R

      Been there, done that. It was never only a few hours. It usually started with something very small that he didn’t know how to or want to deal with. He would hit something in the house, throw something, say we needed to get a divorce, slam a door or a combination or things. After that the sulking would begin for 3 days or more. When he had given himself the time he decided was long enough, he would put on his happy face like nothing ever happened and want me to feel it was over and next came the make up sex. Whatever small problem we had had never got resolved and slowly became a bigger problem. Communication was out of the question. Over time the slamming, hitting and throwing of things became routine and I went further inside myself. I no longer tried to talk to him about anything. I became a stepford wife, doing my duty but no longer feeling any of it.

      • fiftyandfree

        Oh, yes… the Stepford Wife. I learned to be one of those too. He wasn’t one to throw things but he kept me in line with his threats and accusations – “you’re crazy, unstable, belligerent, etc. I’m a doctor, I could have you committed, I’ll leave you, I’ll take the kids, the judge will believe me because I know them all and I’m a doctor, so you BETTER pull yourself together – which meant I better be happy, never cry, never complain, be in a good mood all the time, and be completely satisfied with our so called relationship. Being a Stepford wife was really the only way to survive until I finally got the courage to get out.

      • Brenda R

        I’m glad we both found the courage to get out. My court date is 9 days away. We already have a settlement agreement signed so it is a formality, but I will be glad to have it over with. Of course, we do have to actually split the assets afterwards. He is threatening not to sign to drag it out. My atty says after 60 days I can get the court to assign my portion to me and he won’t be able to stop it. So I feel pretty good about that.
        He keeps sending me emails because his phone contacts somehow were erased and he wants me to give him my number. He must really think I’m crazy. It is a relief that he doesn’t have it.

      • fiftyandfree

        Brenda, good luck and best wishes! I pray that it will all be over for you in nine days. The monster I divorced (I refuse to call him “my” anything and prefer “monster” to “ex”) did everything he could to delay things as well. It was excruciating until the bitter end, but the end finally did come. Then comes healing – a journey all it’s own.

      • Brenda R

        Thank you very much. I would like to drop the “my”. Old habits die hard. Ex sounds good though.

  6. Healinginprocess

    This brought back memories…his getting annoyed or angry because I was not reading his mind. I did not know what he was expecting me to do and he would get angry sometimes yelling or creating a scene. I thought it crazy I should be able to read his mind and that he expected me to. ” I would tell him I can’t read his mind, I had failed that class in college.” He did not like my pat answer and would retreat to our bedroom, lie on the bed and watch TV.
    That is what he always did after any attack whether, verbal, emotional or physical.

    • fiftyandfree

      I remember that early in the marriage (if you can call it that) when I was still very confused about what was happening to me, I was telling my therapist that it seemed to me that he lived in a fantasy world and that he expected me to know what his fantasies were and to act accordingly even though he’d never told me what he wanted. I didn’t understand this then, but his fantasy world was really just the narcissistic, selfish desires he had for himself and the irrational expectations he had that I could and should fulfill those desires. It amazes me 14 years later that I had as much insight as I did so early on, but unfortunately I didn’t have the wisdom, knowledge, or understanding to help myself.

  7. Raped By Evil

    Yes, the mind reading that abusers force us to engage in and the subsequent “failing” in our duties to them.

    I’d been conditioned my entire life to cater to and serve others and I was apparently extremely good at because MANY abusers desired my attention. (This is in hindsight.) What I’ve come to realize is that selfish people take normal behaviors and flip them in their minds to mean something else entirely. When, out of love I would try to meet my husbands needs, keep everything in order etc. by paying attention to what he liked or what pleased him and then trying to give it to him, he twisted it in his mind so that he was controlling me telepathically. Yep. INSANE.

    In the early days of God waking me up, I’d somehow become aware of his tactics of manipulating me by simply looking at me or around me etc. We were at an appointment and the woman was talking and my husband was sitting behind her and he looked over my shoulder–pretending to look at someone who was there and I turned to look and there was no one. I’d already been trying not to react to him with big movements so after this episode I wouldn’t even look at him sometimes just to avoid doing the natural and normal response of following his line of vision when he acted like this.

    • Anon.

      Mind reading, indeed! And the whole conditioning and grooming leaves you so focused on anticipating the abuser’s every possible whim…….

      My abuser merely had to yawn and I’d know to immediately stop talking and make myself scarce as I was boring him and thereby being irritating (and if I continued to be annoying, he’d really get upset and violence/abuse would erupt)…….

      Pretty sad. He didn’t even need to speak, nor did he bother to speak. He merely made a grunting noise at rare times, or otherwise just stared at me and I was supposed to run about, springing into action, fussing, and attempting to figure out whatever it was that he demanded at that very given second…….

      Live with a monster-terrorist and a person develops some really messed up ‘skills’ — sadly, not even realizing just how abnormal it is, nor seeing how morphed one becomes (or has become) in a very, very short period of time.

      The immense amount of pain, suffering, torment, torture, etc. that is wrought on victims (myself) is something else. Elsewhere on this site someone comments that going and talking with your abuser should be seen as going and conversing with the devil, himself (paraphrasing) and truly, abusers, monsters, sadists, violent, criminal, terrorists are but the devil’s offspring.

      • Raped By Evil

        So true Anon.! You wrote: “Live with a monster-terrorist and a person develops some really messed up ‘skills’ —” And many churches today would tell us that this is what marriage is SUPPOSED to look like….the wife running around anticipating her husbands, children’s, the neighbor’s etc. needs, while she destroys herself in the process.

        Your entire comment was full of life as I knew it….thank you so much for stating the horror so well….

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