Barbara Roberts ♦ 3rd August 2017 ♦ 1 Comment
This stupendous article by an anonymous woman was published yesterday at The Gospel Coalition Australia. Things I Wish You Understood: An Open Letter to Ministers From a Family Violence Survivor To the ministers of the church universal I am a family violence survivor. It seems weird to me to say that, because my experiences don’t …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 12th September 2014 ♦ 56 Comments
[June 17, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] A survivor friend wrote to me recently: Today I got a card from one of my ex’s relatives and she wrote inside it, “Jesus died on the cross for ___ and …
Guest ♦ 27th June 2014 ♦ 14 Comments
[August 13, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] This post was contributed by one of our readers. Many thanks to her! *** How many times have we heard people say that any form of psychology is wrong …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 14th May 2014 ♦ 16 Comments
Someone recently implied (in an email to us) that we ought to be more circumspect and less hasty to judge a Christian organization simply because one of their lower level staff members did not respond to our concerns in a way we thought was fully adequate. For example, in the thread from our Review of …
deborahmom ♦ 7th April 2014 ♦ 19 Comments
In the quiet of the sleepy morning, I find myself, as I often do, on the bottom of the stairs in my home, cuddling my two kids, who are triggering and on high alert. I often am too, in the mornings. The three of us are afraid a lot at that time of day. My …
Ellie ♦ 28th August 2013 ♦ 42 Comments
Trigger alert. This is an honest look at how I allowed my warped sense of these words and my conceit to control me and keep me in an unsafe marriage. These are all words that stopped me in my tracks: Abused Abuse Domestic Violence Victim Separated Divorce Divorce papers Single mom Ex Child Support —————————– …
The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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