Barbara Roberts ♦ 2nd August 2013 ♦ 29 Comments
I recently read The Woman Who Changed Her Brain, a book by Barbara Arrowsmith-Young who founded Arrowsmith, a secular program for students with learning disabilities. Barbara Arrowsmith-Young’s TEDx talk, ‘The Woman Who Changed Her Brain’, can be viewed here. Here is the blurb from the back cover of The Woman Who Changed her Brain: And …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 22nd May 2013 ♦ 26 Comments
[September 11, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] This post is written by Ellie, one of our readers. *** I keep thinking about ways I’ve been misunderstood by my abuser and his parents, and I daydream about …
Barbara Roberts ♦ 25th April 2013 ♦ 22 Comments
[September 27, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] Yesterday I watched Jeff S’s live concert on the web. Megan and I watched it together, and her husband David got home from work in the middle and watched …
deborahmom ♦ 2nd January 2013 ♦ 77 Comments
[July 29, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.] The following personal account was written by a friend who has survived years of horrific abuse. She hopes her experience in dealing with trauma will help others who read …
The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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