Do domestic abuse victims need boundaries? Will victims be safer if they set firmer boundaries? Are domestic abusers narcissists? Are victims empaths? Is it correct to say that victims attract abusers? Is it right to call victims and narcissists “two sides of the same coin”? Andrea Aleksandrova explores these questions in her long-form article Beyond Boundaries: Moving beyond boundaries to strategy.
I highly recommend Andrea’s article. She does a great job of explaining:
- coercive control,
- how victims strategically resist coercive control,
- why it’s not helpful to define domestic abuse by a list of behaviours,
- how family courts are oppressing victims and their children,
- victims need strategy, not boundaries.
Here is the first paragraph of Beyond Boundaries:
When the topic of abuse comes up, so inevitably does the topic of boundaries. “Victims need boundaries,” people say, and they treat boundaries as though they are the magical, golden ticket that will keep victims safe. As an advocate with a seasoned understanding of coercive control, I am concerned with the way we talk about boundaries to victims. Don’t get me wrong: Boundaries are really, really important. But are boundaries really the answer? Is a victim’s lack of boundaries really why she is abused? Will her boundaries actually stop his abuse? Are we giving victims a false sense of hope when we promise them that boundaries will fix everything for them? I would suggest that, no, boundaries aren’t really the answer and, yes, we are giving her a false sense of hope. I would suggest that we need to move the conversation about boundaries beyond boundaries to a conversation about coercive control and strategy. … Click here to read the whole article.
Andrea’s article is on the Substack platform. In my experience it’s very easy to comment on Substack articles. You don’t need to have your own Substack account to read or to submit comments. I urge you to comment at Andrea’s article as I know that will encourage her. I see Andrea as a younger generation advocate who is taking up the burden that I’m no longer able to keep on carrying with the capacity I used to have.
***
Further reading and listening
Understanding Coercive Control, with Dr Emma Katz — audio podcast. I do not agree with every single thing said on the podcast, but Emma Katz has a very good understanding of coercive control.
The Overuse of Narcissism: Why Most Abusers Aren’t Narcissists — by Kate Palmer Bowers
Andrea Aleksandrova’s advocacy on Facebook
Defining domestic abuse by a list of behaviours is never going to capture it— by Barbara Roberts
Unhelpful Comments by Well-Meaning People: A coaching clinic for victims of domestic abuse and their supporters — by Barbara Roberts
Is the Great Sex Rescue’s research peer reviewed? Let’s have an in-depth discussion — a guest post on this blog by Andrea Aleksandrova.
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This is so accurate. I’m delighted this type of information is being shared. It should be taught in schools. I got my divorce recently after decades of the coercive control nightmare. The feeling was amazing, but getting there was like walking through a minefield.
We are deceived by the charming man with well-disguised evil intentions. We dated for 2 years before we married. He unleashed hell on our honeymoon. The pressure of having to wait so long must have been so frustrating for him. I want women to know, if he does that on your honeymoon, you should leave. He’ll do it again and again. I was too ashamed to admit to my family and friends what was happening. He knew that. I covered up his abuse of me and my children. If only I’d known then what I know now.
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Auriel,
You wrote (22nd August 2023):
That.
You wrote:
I’m glad you got your divorce 😊 and I can believe the feeling was amazing 😊 — especially if getting there was like walking through a minefield.
You wrote:
No offence intended, Auriel….and not to wish you’d gone through the experiences you went through. At least now you know, and are able to share what you learned with other people 😊 — even if it’s only this one comment of yours on this post. 😊
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Adding on to my comment of 23rd August 2023….
I wrote:
The only suggestion I would make to Andrea Aleksandrova is that she include a note somewhere in her post, Beyond Boundaries: Moving beyond boundaries to strategy., that sometimes the genders are reversed. 😊
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My children and I both are victims of abuse, just recently I went through trial with over 300 pages of evidence of my claims. Co-parent and his attorney showed up with absolutely nothing substantial and everything was false allegations and fabricating from our actual lives to make me look like an awful parent.
Not only did my ex sit on the stand stating they never wanted our youngest two, [and] making jokes about me “overacting” about our children health. Co-parent made me wait until I went against their “wishes” for dental for our child. Child’s teeth were falling apart due to enamel hypoplasia, and they refused treatment for months with the excuse of “wanting a second opinion”. They actually were asked by the judge why they would not provide the information for myself, and the response was “I didn’t make it”. MONTHS!
Sat on the stand and stated the children cannot use the bathroom in their home at night; within the same hour of me being accused of mental abuse and causing my children to have accidents in their home in bed and pants at [age redacted] years old.
I was accused of parental alienation, since they took oldest for several months (now has full custody of them) and to paint me as a bad person they just left and did not take the other two for their time. Then exaggerated that time into four months (which there was proof that was untrue) and the judge stuck with it.
I am still dumbfounded; I was confident in everything I did. Turned in my documents correctly, on time, labeled and organized. Presented them correctly, nothing was actually objected [to] in questioning. But my ex is a cop in the same county, our judge was a cop and counsel for the county before taking her position.
The amount of damage these judges are allowed to make based off their FEELINGS is absolutely devastating.
I am back in school for social work and policy, so I can work towards a change one story at a time. I am glad to see there is someone else out there with the same idea! Black Canary will hopefully someday, be a non-profit that will have funding for those who cannot obtain counsel on their own, an advocacy program to push for actual change through policy requiring mental health education and regulations in place to protect the victims. This needs to end, these judges need to be held accountable and the abusers need to be punished for [the] havoc they are causing in their children’s and co-parent’s life.
[For safety and protection, the age was redacted. Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]
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Hi One Story At A Time,
For your safety and protection, as well as that of your children, I changed the screen name you submitted with your comment to One Story At A Time. If you prefer a different screen name, please email me at reachingout.acfj@gmail.com.
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Unfortunately, and not to diminish your experience, what you experienced is all too common. 😢 I’m glad your back in school for social work and policy. 😊 And I hope you’re successful in working towards change one story at a time. 😊
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One Story At A Time, I believe you. I honour you for striving to keep your kids and yourself safe. You are not to blame. It is not your fault that the family court system is so corrupt. (I know you know that already.)
May God help you and your kids and all the abuse victims who you are aspiring to help.
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