A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

I met an abuser’s ally

I was at a moms’ group yesterday. One of the moms was talking about a how a friend’s wife left him and won’t have anything to do with him and so on. I asked if there had been abuse. She responded that he was verbally abusive and talked circles around the XW, but the XW instigated and was disrespectful. Then she was aggravated with the XW’s pastor for being supportive of the XW and saying she was in the right. Yeah, I didn’t let that go, any of it. Although I was constantly interrupted, I declared that verbal abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated. I wish that I had informed her that in my experience physical abuse is easier for me to process (not easier, but easier for me to mentally recover from) than verbal and emotional or any other kind of abuse. And about the instigating, now that just chaps my hide.

Galatians 5:19 – 21 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication …wrath … and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

This passage ranks adultery and wrath together. I wonder if the XW could’ve “instigated” adultery. If she had hidden a naked woman in the closet and pushed that woman onto her husband, would this ally have let him off the hook? Would she be standing there defending his adultery the same way she defended this “instigated” abuse? Is it only abuse that can be instigated? No wait,

James 1:13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

So when people abuse, it’s because they are abusers, not because their victims are instigators or disrespectful and had it coming.

The sad thing is that I used to believe the way that mom does and it kept me in danger for 21 years.

Well, I pray that I’ll get to love on this mom and share what I’ve learned. And I’m praying that this abuser she and her husband are allied with gets exposed for what he is.

5 Comments

  1. bright sunshinin' day

    Love it, Ellie. And your response and future intentions toward this misguided mom. It reminded me of Paul when he went to some town and saw the plaque that read: “To the unknown god.” He took his opportunities and filled them in on truth. They really didn’t know and needed to be taught. Some are that way. Others are so right in their own eyes they won’t listen…woe to them.

  2. Brenda R

    Amen, Noone has abuse “coming” to them. It is the abusers choice. As for X’s beginning of adulter one week after we separated, he looked for it and blamed my leaving for it. We have been separated for 4 months and now am told that he hasn’t had sex with her “yet” but he isn’t ruling it out. That comment tells me that In his heart, he already has. They have been sending lovey dovey ecards to one another. We are legally separated but in my way of thinking we are still married. Matter of fact she has a husband. He has not commanded me to file for divorce. My attorney was more than willing to comply for free. Her response was that althought she was tired of him ordering us around she was willing to do the work for free so that I would be completely free of him. God Bless her.

    This woman is his ally and his XW. She made it known of her jealousy 20+ years ago, calling in the middle of the night to talk to him, putting herself in positions where she needed to talk to him. At the time, he said she must be drunk and never had a good word to say about her. I made it known when we separated that I would not consider marriage counseling until he got abuse counseling and I had access to this counselor for progress updates. His XW does not in anyway count as counseling. The entire situation is pathetic and warped. He calls me bitter. I don’t think so, just calling it what it is. God is setting me free.

  3. joepote01

    Ellie, I love this post!

    You recognized the deception and twisted reasoning for what it was.

    You spoke truth into the dicusssion.

    You recognized that the deceived woman who had allied herself with the abuser is deceived in much the same way that you once were. You displayed compassion for her without allowing the false witness to go unchallenged.

    Great job! I hope I can learn to handle similar situations as well as you handled this one.

    God bless!

  4. Cindy Rapstad

    I have met many like that. In fact many people accused me of instigating when I would not just lay down and be a door mat.
    Last night I was talking to someone that had been to a recent bible shower I had attended and there was a devotional done and as it started I started to wince because I thought here it is the bad advice on submission. I was amazed at how this gal handled submission, I finally heard it correctly done out of someone from the local church. Her advice on conflict and respect was good but I have decided I am the “After C” person. You know how the spelling rule goes “I before E, except after C” when I here someone giving relational advice I am the one to stick in the After C portion which is Except after Abuse information.

  5. IamMyBeloved's

    Sounds like what I have been through. Once the abuser allies people to his side, those people then continue to ally for the abuser – drawing others into the web of deception. The allies become angry and upset with anyone who supports the victim(s) and a firestorm brews. Little do these allies know, that they have become his victims too, having been manipulated by him and led astray. The abuser is actually snickering at the people he has allied to his side, the whole time. In reality, he thinks they are stupid and while he is sitting alone at night, he probably mocks them for their idiocy. They only think he is their “friend”. It is hard to deal with this when it happens, but it has helped me to realize that most people, if they believe a lie initially, will try to seek out ways to find the truth, and those that the abuser is able to deceive, are usually deceived in other areas as well. Although we as victims of abuse, can become deceived over time by the abuse that we are living day to day in, eventually once we get educated and get help, we come out of that deception and are rescued from it. People who are allying with abusers, need to be educated. If they refuse to educate themselves, then they are simply willing allies. If they become educated and still choose to stick with the abuser, then they are just as evil as he is.

    Thanks for this post!

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