Fighting the Lies
[August 3, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
The past five or six days, I have come to the realization that we survivors are overly-conscientious for a reason. My conscientiousness is driving me batty. I have asked God to give me a reason for why I am this way. I wanted a reason so I could change it….with His grace.
Since getting re-married to my wonderful David, I have said things like these several times….dozens, really:
“I’m sorry I am so high-maintenance.”
“Was I wrong to say that?”
“I am sorry that I have brought such strife into your life.”
My sweet husband usually looks me in the eye, surprised, and then tells me what a gift I am. He tells me that that is crazy-talk. He assures me over and over again that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loves me. He tells me I am a pearl of great price….that he would sell and give up everything he had for me to be his wife. He makes me feel like a princess. He reminds me of who I am in Christ. He wants me to have the world and I suspect he would give it to me, if he could. Had I ever experienced this before? Well, I had….but I did not know it. David is only showing me the love that Christ has shown you and me….only we were too blinded by those around us to see through the fog. When those around you are clouding up what love is on a daily basis, it is near impossible to see Christ’s riches through the ugly.
I hate that I feel this way. But, in the last few days, I realize that it is because….that is what I have been told about myself for years. I wanted to wear make-up and get my hair done, so I was deemed “high-maintenance”. In Germany, I spent the extra forty cents on creamer instead of milk, so I was “indulgent”. Recently, a family member sent an email to David telling him that I have a “litany of drama that follows me everywhere I go.” My sisters have sent letters to my closest friends, describing me as burdensome….worried that I was “using them”….near apologizing for me (lump in my throat as I write this!). One even attached an article on narcissism. My dear friends, of course, did not buy into this (showing me a deep friendship-love that I had craved all my life).
If I could grasp the truth….really grasp it, I would cease to see myself as a burden. It is slow growth. As we have all talked about many, many times, this kind of change is the re-wiring of our brain. I am hitting a glass bubble with this one. I am looking up through the clear yet impenetrable lining and seeing those who seem whole in their identities in Christ. I am gazing at it; I can taste it….but I am not quite there. I plan on getting there, though. I am writing out a list of the lies on one side of the paper….and then defying them with the truth on the other side of the paper. I have been a warrior for my children and a warrior with the legal system and a warrior for freedom. Now, I have a battle to fight in my own mind.
I am not a burden; I am a gift. So are you. I am not high-maintenance; I am a woman who wants to glorify God in her femininity. I am not “drama”; I am displaying the fruits of the Spirit more and more each day. I am not a narcissist; I am a beloved Child of God who has desired her entire life to follow Him. I am not difficult nor a problem and I am certainly not one to be apologized over. You are none of these negative things, either. You are a Child of the One Living King! Oh my goodness….you are so beautiful. You are worth dying for. Jesus did not have to die for us. He wanted a healed relationship because….He wanted us. I want who I am to match who I am. No more talk of being a burden. I am praying that truth would take root in my heart and my mind and I would live life like I am a gift. And be a gift to all those around me. And that my children will grow up knowing they are gifts to us.
What have they said about you? What did your family or friends or ex-husband or ex-wife pound into your mind? What are the lies? What does God want to heal? Whatever it is, please know this: If you know God, and are part of His Kingdom (a Kingdom of Hearts), you have been covered in a royal robe….with a crown upon your head. Believe it with me.
I will greatly rejoice in the LORD;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10 ESV)
[August 3, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (August 3, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]
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- Posted in: Victims
- Tagged: emotional abuse, false guilt, Isaiah, Megan C, mind control, PTSD, recovery, shame, survivors' stories
A Cry For Justice 
Megan, you are a warrior and a princess. You are fighting for us, too, and humble enough to share your weaknesses, but brave enough to grab a hold of God’s strength to overcome. All is for His glory who makes the weak, strong! HUGS!
Megan, you are such a sweet daughter of the King. So many of your words have come out of my mouth. My dear husband has told me the very things that your David has told you. My husband loves me as Christ loves His bride. And yet I have difficulty believing it. Years of conditioning… It is our biggest burden, that rewiring. Outsiders cannot comprehend why we don’t just move forward with a snap of the fingers. If only they knew how much we would love to have it be simple.
I am printing your article to read every single day. Thank you so much, Megan!!!!
Big hugs, Heather!!!
Great article.
Reblogged this on Speakingtruthinlove's Blog [Internet Archive link] and commented:
This is a wonderful article.
God bless you for this-
just what I needed to read for myself and others
just got back from post cancer counselling session (I left abusive marriage in feb 2012) after surviving terminal cancer-and realising life was precious)
I am a Christian and have a hunger to help hurting women and children in refuge and dv situations and articles like this one will prove beneficial
god has been amazing throughout this time – I asked for a gideons bible whilst in refuge and bookmark was in psalm 140″lord protect me from Violent men. “the name of our support group (140 club)”
Thank you, that was beautifully said.
I thought I was healed enough my from ex. And so I got remarried to a wonderful man. At first all the lies about “me” came back in my head. “You aren’t good enough!” “You are fat!” “You are controlling”. Also, on top of all that, I would find myself responding to him as if he were my abuser from the past. I would try to read into what he said, I was overly critical of every action… Thinking there was some hidden meaning. Then if we did have a falling out, 99% of the time it was my fault for assuming his motive, misinterpreting his words and actions. It was driving us both crazy. I began to think that I just wasn’t good enough to be married and this was a big mistake. I thought it was a lie from satan that I actually thought I was healing and healthy enough to be married. We had many many talks, and that was new for me, he listened, he held me, he forgave me, he is always very quick to sincerely ask for my forgiveness. That really help the healing because I was not ever asked for forgiveness. At first, I would just blow it off, “that’s ok” then just hold in my pain. Now, I can really forgive because he is really asking.
I don’t think this new marriage was a mistake, I really believe that it was a gift of God. He has made beauty from ashes! Yes, I am still damaged but now I see God’s plan, and that is to restore the broken hearted. All these things that are triggered, now, are God’s way of dealing with all the lies in my head one by one. I think that if we can sit back for a moment when those lies (maybe some truths that need dealing with too) come flooding to the surface, and ask ourselves “where is that really coming from? Am I seeing the real present issue correctly or am I reacting to the past?”. That has helped me. The books Boundaries and Safe People by Cloud & Townsend really help define some of those issues for me.
We are being transformed by the RENEWING OF OUR MINDS!
Lisa, I can definitely relate to all you are saying. My sweet husband has been very tender with me. There have been two times (in our short marriage!) where I have just absolutely reverted back to that same, old, defensive girl that I used to be. It was all me. And David has been an absolute gem . . . helping me heal and cope and face things. No . . . your marriage was not a mistake. It is one of the ways that God can heal. You and I chose to marry and God is using that. If we had not married, surely He would have used other avenues or vessels.
I have also believed the lies that maybe I am just not “wife material” or crazy thoughts like that. What lies! God continues to heal me, as well. It is amazing what abuse does to a woman . . . . 😦
Abuse can really make you feel inadequate to be a loving partner in a normal relationship. My ex-fiance would rage at me in his awful anger, and then wouldn’t be able to empathize that his behavior would make me feel scared and shut down for several days after. It was as though I should be a robot and experience no consequences from his behavior. So my inability to open back up and be all cuddly during these times meant that I was “cold” and “unable to be affectionate with a partner.” He even told me his counselor said there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t going to be able to meet his “needs” later in marriage. The problem was all my doing, in other words, and he took no responsibility for his cruel behavior. Even now these words plague me as I wonder if I’m just not capable of being in a relationship (despite the fact that all my friends find me an affectionate, caring person). I know God will continue to work in me to heal this…and it’s good to know others have experienced this pain and survived it.
Otter, If his counselor actually did tell him such a heinous lie, I can only imagine what your ex told him. I am sure it was not the truth in any fashion. You should not feel inadequate in any way. I know how it feels to have this done to you. I can not hug or be cuddly with a person who has put me through the wringer just because they now feel the need. He wants to move on without regret or repentance. That doesn’t say love in any way.
Otter — I can completely relate to all you are saying. I just wrapped up Leslie Vernick’s new book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”. She is very clear in saying that, if a man demands affection and intimacy after rages and abuse, he is completely unchanged and unrepentant. I went through this cycle for YEARS. And, by the end, I thought it was me. I thought I was completely incapable of having a normal, loving relationships because he acted like I was just a cold frigid woman. Most of the time, I conceded to what he wanted and then cried in the bathroom alone. And, I had to cry softly because, if he heard me, he would be angry and rage again . . . “YOU SHOULD BE CRYING IN MY ARMS.” How sick is that? Anyway, it wasn’t me . . . it was him. And, I know that now because I DO have a normal and loving Christian marriage now. It isn’t you, dear Otter . . . it was him. It was all him.
Megan, I cried as you did on many occasions. To me, it was rape. My heart was saying no and my mind and body were saying just get it over with before I cry right now. Sometimes I did cry and he didn’t even notice. When he did notice he would want to hold me. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that he was why I was crying. In his mind he did nothing for me to cry about. I am so glad you found a good man and you treat each other well. That is the way it was meant to be.
It is so beautiful to have this support from other women. It’s amazing how similar our experiences are.
Brenda – you are totally right about the counselor. At the end of the relationship my ex had a bizarre explosion, and out of desperation, I emailed his counselor without his knowledge to ask her for help. I sent the kindest, most concerned letter that I believed he was dissociating, and that I loved him and hoped she could advise. She wrote back a horrible email that I was manipulative and trying to “come between” her and my ex. She added, “Never contact me again.”
I was completely devastated that a counselor could see me this way. To make things worse, this counselor read my entire email to the ex…including information that could have put me and a few other friends in danger. It’s amazing because she’s a famous counselor and author, and she has lots of books on Borderline personality and domestic abuse (search Amazon, and she’s the first thing you’ll pull up). My ex is a high-level genius and can get anyone to do anything (it was kind of god-like to watch him), but I was still shocked his counselor had written books on Borderline personality and missed seeing it in her client completely. She has written books for abused women but was totally convinced that my ex was the victim! I can’t imagine what he must have told her. (Note: She was a long-distance counselor through internet Skyping. She had never met him or me in person.)
My awesome Christian counselor explained that many high profile counselors don’t counsel with the help of the Holy Spirit, and they can be easily deceived by evil…and even become part of helping it. “Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools.”
This is all so true! I had one counselor after going to a ton of them that understood this whole situation. I feel completely betrayed by the church and feel I’m always on guard. I am still going through the divorce process and feel very anxious anytime I get a phone call, text, or e-mail from my soon to be ex or his family. I have no reason to trust any of them. I feel the same way with the church because of how things were handled. Will the feeling of being on guard and anxious ever go away? I feel so beat up by so many and not mention the legal system. I don’t want to be claimed as a victim and weak, but instead a survivor! I just want these feelings of being on guard, anxious and not being able to trust to go away. At times I feel like my chest is going to cave in. Please help with any advice!
J – I know how confused and out of control this stage feels. What saved me was finding a godly counselor who understood right and wrong and gave me honest, direct support.
When a woman is coming out of an abusive situation, we often can’t discern up from down. I first had a wishy-washy counselor who advertised herself as Christian, but she gave very un-Christian advice. I spent a year going in circles with her, and never once did she use the term “abuse” despite my describing some pretty extreme situations.
In desperation as the emotional abuse grew worse, I asked close friends to pray for me. One friend recommended I see another counselor and gave me a name. Imagine my shock when this new counselor boldly explained to me that I was being abused…even physically abused…and I could not stay in it. I knew immediately that God was speaking directly through this man, and I knew in my heart that everything he told me was the truth. He could see immediately that I didn’t want to accept the truth, but he patiently and kindly walked me through what abuse was and why marriage to an abusive man would destroy me. Everything he said was backed up with scripture, and he prayed at the beginning of the session and at the end. Not only was this counselor spirit-led, but he had served many years on the domestic abuse council, so he was armed with knowledge and experience. His spirit-led leadership and practical sense gave me the strength I needed to accept reality and leave my abuser.
Find a counselor like this – you will know in your heart when you have the truth spoken to you. You must have the right support. Also, keep reading this blog…listen to Jeff Crippen’s 21 sermons, and read his book. When I listened to his first sermon, I heard a man preaching the truth. We must flood the lies and confusion with truth! God has a way of taking the words of a godly counselor and repeating them in your mind at weak moments. I can’t tell you how the words of my counselor and Jeff Crippen help me fight my second-guessing (something abuse victims do constantly).
perfect
I could use some truth this morning. Since leaving my husband 9 weeks ago I have begged him to give me time. I needed to adjust to living alone, getting MS under control and just get happy. That did not happen and filed for a restraining order which still hasn’t happen. It keeps getting postponed. He has made it a point to only allow me things when he thought it was time. The emails and phone calls came in droves, until now. Now he has chosen to suddenly be happy and everything that has happened is all my fault. According to him everything he says is wrong. I am the devil incarnate and hide behind a Bible. Personally, if I had to hide somewhere I can’t think of a better place.
Last night he accused me of taking all of his “baseball stuff”. He was going to call his lawyer and make sure an inventory of all of his things was done. He stated in email and voice mail that the lawyer would have to do this, not me, and I would have to pay for it. We already have a signed binding property settlement it just needs the judges signature and should happen sometime this month. I don’t have his things anyways. An hour later he writes an email: I found them, you must have put something over them when you were moving things, sorry. He went out of his way to threaten to sick his lawyer on me by voice mail but not his lame apology. From my perspective he was blaming me for his not being able to find things. I did waste my breath, so to speak, in an email telling him that he should wait before accusing me of things that are not true. He responded with a “whatever, nothing I do makes you happy”.
I feel like curling up in a corner and not coming out. Shouldn’t I just be happy that he is going away? Have I become addicted to his abuse? If I am, I am just as sick as he it.
Hold on, there’s that S word! (should)
And note that he is not going away: he may not be under the same roof as you but he is continuing to hassle you, blame you, not stick to agreements, treat you like a slave, etc etc.
No you have not become addicted to his abuse, you are trying to escape his abuse! But like most abusers, like a cat with a mouse, he is very reluctant to give up toying with his target. You are not causing him to be this way. It’s him, not you, that is choosing to behave abusively.
I have felt that way, many times. Still do, sometimes. Doona therapy I call it. And if possible I give it to myself in whatever way my heart yearns for it, as that seems to help me recover most rapidly.
Thank you, Barbara. My mind was going in so many different directions. I thought I was going over the edge. I was preparing for the men with the white coats to come for me. The padded cell was coming a little closer. I am so glad you are here. Brenda
I’m so encouraged by this blog…to know I am not alone. I know God is always with me…its just nice to have people that can relate and understand. There are times I just want to escape my mind because it won’t shut off. I know I’m not going crazy, but the abuser makes you feel that way. It’s really hard when he convinces everyone around you that you are the problem. They are so good at playing the victim role…it’s crazy! Everything inside of me wants to scream to the churches (not all of them) but the ones that do more damage than good. My heart breaks for the next woman that comes seeking help and is only wounded more than when she came. These manipulators are so good at what they do! What is that verse in 1 or 2 Timothy about someone who claims to be a believer, but continues in these ways(sexual sin..ect….we are not to even sit with them. Could someone explain this to me better…doesn’t it seem like a wolf in
Sheeps clothing?
1 Corinthians 5:11 states, “But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler – not even to eat with such a one.”
I’m not sure if this is the verse that you were referring to, but it leads me to believe that this person is a wolf in sheeps clothing. He claims to be a Christian but the evidence of it is not there.
Hang in there, Brenda. When you go through abuse, it consumes your life. If you were like me, you probably put everything into saving your relationship. When it all suddenly ends, it leaves you with nothing (kind of like a financial investment where you lose your life savings). This can create a very scary and panicky feeling of emptiness. Sometimes the emptiness can feel so awful that you begin to think the abuse was easier…but it isn’t! It’s like the Israelites looking back on Egypt and wishing they were back with their slave-owner abusers again. We humans are wired this way!
I also have an autoimmune disorder that went crazy at the end of my relationship. After two months, I’m just now feeling better. When you struggle with illness, you suffer a whole extra level of pain after abuse. It’s easy to feel helpless and alone. That’s when I need the reminder to turn to God. Sometimes I even pray, “God, I’m struggling with looking backwards today. Please keep revealing the truth to me.” It’s amazing how He will do this through people, events, and situations.
Megan, the jewels (Isaiah 61:10) with which our God has adorned you sparkle brighter and shinier every day. I am the most fortunate (God-blessed) man in the world to be married to such a woman as you. Thank you once again for your transparency and tender sensitivity to the plight of all who are fed the lies. You are truly being used to help others come out of their desperate places and feel hope again! Beautiful post; beautiful woman.
Megan, I think this one is a keeper.
I can’t imagine not asking myself those kinds of questions. I”ve done it my whole life. I tell myself who I am in Christ, but the questions don’t ever really go away. I just talked to my attorney and I should be divorced within a couple of weeks. The first thing I did was ask myself what I am doing. I quickly remember why I am doing this, but somewhere think he just might change. I don’t really have hope of that anymore. After reading this post, I dared to think that someday there may be a kind thoughtful man come into my life. I don’t think I am capable of physical love any longer. I can’t imagine letting someone in that close. Or maybe I am lying to myself and instead know that I am not near ready for such things.
Love the name the 140 club. I wish there was such a group near where I live.
Brenda . . . When I left my first marriage, I felt the same way. I never thought I could be re-married . . . I never wanted to have ANY sort of intimacy with a man again . . . I did not think of myself as “marriage material”. You are capable of love . . . maybe it is not time, yet. But you are capable with Christ in you . . . because He IS love. Beauty will come. Big hugs and hang in there. The worst is almost over.
Brenda, what about trying to start your own 140 group? There are probably be other Christian survivors in your area who are yearning for such a group just like you are. I started a Bible study group for Christian survivors of DV years ago in my own town of 90,000 people. How did I find the participants? Some I met thru God’s providence, some were pointed my way by professionals who work in the DV support services, some I had met in a secular support group for DV victims. I asked around among the DV support services to see if they could help me start a support group for Christians, and one thing led to another. . .
You could use the posts from this blog as discussion material for a 140 group. Or just use Jeff C’s book, reading a section from it each week. Or my book, if you wanted to study the Bible’s teaching on divorce for abuse. When Jeff C leads study groups in his church he often just works thru a book, reading out loud a portion of it each week, and letting the discussion flow from there. So long as the people in the group are reasonably good at making sure that each person gets a say, and the conversation is not domineered by one or two people at the expense of everyone else, then such groups are usually very helpful for all participants. With everybody abiding by principles of confidentiality of course….
Barbara, I am reading your book right now. I will give your idea prayerful consideration. I do want my experiences to come to good, but hadn’t had the thought of my stepping up in that way before. I will ask the Lord to lead and see what he has to say.
I have a list of reasons why I would not be the person for that roll including working full time, living with Multiple Sclerosis and taking care of all of the every day stuff on my own leaving little time for the rest I need to fight my disease. But the Lord knows all of that and will provide a way if this is the direction he wants for me.
I appreciate your giving me the idea to consider. I wonder if my church will think of this as promoting divorce rather than supporting survivors. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
***
That’s the big one, isn’t it, Brenda?
When I ran my Bible study for victims of domestic abuse, I asked my pastor to oversee the material I intended to present at each session, before I presented it. I was writin the material myself, so I felt that was important, as I wanted to be sure that I was theologically on track with what I was saying. He graciously agreed to do that, but he did not make the study an official program of the church. I think that probably good diplomacy on his part: if he had tried to get the study to be made an official program of the church, he would probably have run into opposition from some of the elders or the board. But the way he did it, I had what I felt to be spiritual covering without the difficulties of the resistance from Pharisee-like people in the church.
But if you ran a group and just used Jeff’s book or posts from the blog as study materials, you would not need to have the material vetted so carefully, since it is already approved by a pastor we all trust (Jeff C).
I think you may find that workers in welfare agencies are more open to helping you field potential participants in such a group, than a local church would be. The professionals who deal with clients who have suffered domestic abuse and it’s consequences (homelessness, financial problems, etc.) know full well that some of their clients are professing Christians. So they know there is a need for such a support group, but many in the church don’t even know there is a need, they have their heads buried so far in the sand.
Brenda R,
This sounds so familiar. The cycle is so long that I convince myself that it’s different now, but it’s not. It always comes back to this point. And I’m still surprised, but this time I’m doing something about it.
God’s timing is impeccable. Just last night, I spent quite a bit of time, apologizing to God for who I am, what I am, that I am just sorry for being. Then this post.
Amazing, but I think life with an abusive person, is satan at work to steal and make shipwreck of the victim’s faith and hope in God. Because good wives want to follow their husband and believe and trust him, they end up accepting the lies they are told as truth, and end up trying to change to please everyone – the abuser and all those he has allied to himself. I ended up believing all the false things and concepts I was being taught about God, through living in the abuse. Those are tough things to change, but God is so good and faithful to me. I think that I just began to believe and live out, that I was all that was wrong with the world, the church, the neighborhood, the family, the city, the businesses, the pets, the garbage dump, etc., because that was what I had been told by my abuser(s).
Thanks for a great post. I feel the same way, that I am trying to attain this same “place” that I can see so clearly through that bubble too, but just can’t seem to see myself as being equal in worth, to others, in God’s eyes. So hard sometimes. So lonely. Yet, I know the truth. Thanks for sharing in such a beautiful way. You will make it there, and so will I and so will everyone else who is, or has or will come to this blog. That is my earnest prayer. Show us who we are in You, Lord. Show us how You see us and love us. Restore our concepts of You, to truthful ones and restore our minds to think the way You desire us to think.
I am My Beloved . . . . This is a beautiful comment in so many ways. I just read it aloud to David and he said, “Beautiful.” We both know that feeling of thinking that we are what is wrong with the family, with the world, with the marriage, church and so on . . . we were the closest thing to blame. And that Light in us . . . that Light was too blinding for them. I am so encouraged by your words . . . yes! We WILL get there . . . it is coming. Praying that prayer with you, my friend.
Amen. What a beautiful prayer that we all can share together. We are loved. We are beautiful in His sight. I may get lonely but I am never alone. Truth be told I feel less alone and lonely since I am now living alone. We havea wonderful God.
Megan and Lisa,
I hope you both realize what your conversation testifies to: that God not only approves divorce for abuse but also remarriage afterward and clearly shows this in the husbands He gave you who love you as He would have it. You are the people Christ healed on the Sabbath in the most “unapproved” way.
Now the Pharisees must answer the question whether this is the work of the Lord of the Sabbath who rightly decrees it is lawful to go good on the Sabbath, or the work of Beelzebub.
🙂
Oh wow, BIT . . . I have never thought of it that way. 🙂 That was really profound!
Love this discussion–so good a metaphor for what an abuse survivor needs–re-wiring of our thoughts. The old tape has to be (gently sometimes) ejected and rejected and a new tape introduced. That takes time and divine patience from godly spouses and stedfast friends. Just yesterday someone told me that I post ‘negativity’ and ‘filth’ on FB. This person was referring to this blog and to Scripture. Even though it came from a person close to me, it did not bite like it might have in years gone by. Yes, God works to re-wire our thoughts and our hearts, to give us beauty instead of ashes.
I hope you un-friended that jerk.
All of these posts are so helpful. Thank you! Thank you! I am going through a divorce right now after 13 years of marriage and two children together. I divorced him once and then remarried him. I knew he had been unfaithful, but there was a still a cloud of confusion. After remarrying him and things getting extremely worse very quickly I went to the shelter with my kids. After being there I understood the abuse that we all were living in for so long. It’s like a light bulb went on. I struggle with thoughts inside my head like maybe it’s all me and I’m the problem. He seems like everything is great and has moved on with another woman already. I have see saw thinking and struggle with all the lies he told me. I wish I could just snap out of this funk I feel like I’m in. Some days it’s worse than others. It seems like I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I know God cares and sees all that is going on. My heart breaks for my kids. Will it get better? I just want someone to tell me it will be ok. I have no family in the state I live in. (part of the isolation) we moved 7 times out of our 13 years of marriage and the church we were going to turned their back on me. Everything that could go wrong seems it has gone wrong. The legal system seems so messed up…it’s all about money. Where is the justice for the people who really need help. I feel so alone and like a burden to so many. I am at a different church now, but the GAL involved in our case attends there as well. This GAL is completely snowed by my charming husband and bashed me for leaving our nice home and exposing our children to a shelter. She did not understand desperation! I am so discouraged…any advice would be helpful. Really struggling.
Dear J.
I am so sorry for all you are going thru. We hear time and time again at this blog about GALs — Guardians ad Litem, who are appointed by the court to be legal representatives for the children in divorce cases — who DON’T GET IT ABOUT ABUSE. It is a scandal. A monumental scandal. And we hear too about how the divorce system is pretty much a racket that is all about money for the professionals involved and is not looking out for the best interests of the victims of domestic abuse. They may say they are, but the reality is often vastly different. I know my saying this is little comfort to you, but even if it helps you feel less alone, it may help a tiny bit.
I wish I had some advice about how to de-snow the GAL. Would they be willing to read Lundy’s book, even if they just read the chapter about ‘the abuser and his allies’ ?
Sitting with you over here in Oz, holding hands across cyberspace and giving you fellow-sufferer-hugs in the spirit.
I have read this post so many times in the last 2 days. It was so perfectly timed for my life.
I was flooded with lies this week. Lies about my relationship with God. Lies about what God thinks of me and how He is/will treat me. These lies have hurt more than any of the other attacks but they have also opened my eyes.
My relationship with God has some weak areas, I won’t deny that at all. But that doesn’t mean the relationship as a whole is weak. Yes, I struggle with feeling like I can trust God and feeling God’s love… both are things I know are very real and true and I try to choose act on them even though I can’t feel them. In other areas though the relationship is strong.
I have gone through plenty of times where there was no ear to turn to but God’s and no way I could function or find peace but through God’s grace. So while I struggle in some areas other areas flourish. I feel like the relationship is full of contradiction but it’s real and it’s mine and it’s precious. These people around me may not get it. That’s okay though. I get it and my God gets it. I don’t want to stay where I am. I want to break through that “glass bubble” and experience so much more of God. For today though, I’m content with what I have. What I have is real and preferable to the life and relationship they are trying to shame me into accepting.
Does anyone know of a support group in the Indianapolis area? It is a very BIG need I believe because so many do not understand this stuff. Thanks
If anyone wants to reply to J’s question without their reply being visible on the blog, you can email me and I’ll forward the reply to J by email.
barbara@notunderbondage.com
This is BEAUTIFUL
My best friend struggles greatly with this. We are so different. I was raised in a loving home and always felt secure where she on the other hand was raised in a very neglectful home and then married an evil man who used her insecurities as a way to build himself up and beat her down even more. Through many talks I have been able to understand her better and vice versa. She sees the ways of a secure person, has made much progress in this area, but still has many ruts in her brain that takes her back a few steps. I am constantly trying to put things into perspective for her and show her what are mole hills and mountains. It’s like her brain goes to the extreme on things. One little mishap and she thinks she is the biggest idiot, or worst wife, mother, friend, Christian, ect. After years of reassuring her my patience runs out a bit and you will hear a frustrated sigh proclaiming how annoying it is that her brain is stuck in this rut. Take a deep breath my friend and try to relax 🙂 This has all helped me see how horrible this kind of abuse is. She is one of the neatest ladies you could ever meet. The most giving, gracious, considerate, loving, caring person ……….and she struggles with self worth??? She is fighting and I believe is on the road to filling in the lie ruts with truth and will someday get the victory over all this! And I believe she will be equipped to help many hurting people and what balm that will be for the wounds she has lived with a almost her entire life. Thanking God for my amazing friend. Love YOU friend!
A friend,
Victims have many battles to fight: battles in their marriage, church, the legal system, family, the abuser’s allies, etc. And while these battles are so hard, possibly the most difficult battle they will have is the battle that rages in their mind. They need friends like you to help fill “in the lie ruts with truth.”
Your friend is blessed to have you in her life!
My best friend and I both come from abusive backgrounds and struggle with this kind of thinking. Thankfully for her, she has a great, non-abusive husband. She and I have gotten very good at speaking truth into each others lives, countering the lies we hear coming from our mouths. It’s so ironic that I have no hesitation seeing her awesomeness and telling her so, but struggle with my own self-worth. And I know she feels the same way.
TWBTC — Those are wise words, right there. “The most difficult battle they will have is the one that rages in their minds.”
While I’m thinking about it, my first husband told me he “asked God for me.” My second husband told me God gave him a “new love for me.” He loves me like he NEVER loved me before!… rolls eyes and raises an eye brow
Well, I certainly hate to bring out how my husband (soon to be ex) describes me, but I hope it doesn’t define who I am… He says “I can’t communicate, I am angry and bitter, I’m jealous of other people, I’m ungodly, I’m a hypocrite, etc,, I’m not allowed to raise my voice, I can’t do anything, I can’t cook…” This is a lot for me to have to sort through and to make changes for myself, but the main change I want is “HEART” change. I don’t want to be any of those aforementioned, but a woman with a loving heart for Jesus and to those I am surrounded with.
Megan, this thread brought tears to my eyes. You have been truly blessed to have a man in your life who loves and cherishes you! I, myself, think I’ll pass on another marriage since I’m not very good at picking out men. Yep, my first husband cheated on me several times (married more than 20 years), and my second husband abused me. How scary is that to get involved in another relationship. A third marriage, me?? I think I’ll pass.
Sometimes the idea of attending a support group is tempting, sometimes the idea is just that – an idea.
I am so used to being alone, not speaking. I speak when I need to communicate to God, rarely people. The times I communicate with people tend to be spontaneous, a conversation evolving organically.
The most recent conversation involved someone with whom I have had a passing acquaintance for almost two decades. I opened up on C-PTSD, my decision to no longer drive, though I did not disclose the abuse. The individual expressed surprise, stating they never saw the effects. I commented I’m good at wearing a mask.
The few times in my life the mask has slipped, the individual(s) betrayal has shredded any desire to take off the mask.
Somewhere there is a group for me, people with whom I can meet face-to-face. For the time being, I have no expectations.