Fighting the Lies
[August 3, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
The past five or six days, I have come to the realization that we survivors are overly-conscientious for a reason. My conscientiousness is driving me batty. I have asked God to give me a reason for why I am this way. I wanted a reason so I could change it….with His grace.
Since getting re-married to my wonderful David, I have said things like these several times….dozens, really:
“I’m sorry I am so high-maintenance.”
“Was I wrong to say that?”
“I am sorry that I have brought such strife into your life.”
My sweet husband usually looks me in the eye, surprised, and then tells me what a gift I am. He tells me that that is crazy-talk. He assures me over and over again that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loves me. He tells me I am a pearl of great price….that he would sell and give up everything he had for me to be his wife. He makes me feel like a princess. He reminds me of who I am in Christ. He wants me to have the world and I suspect he would give it to me, if he could. Had I ever experienced this before? Well, I had….but I did not know it. David is only showing me the love that Christ has shown you and me….only we were too blinded by those around us to see through the fog. When those around you are clouding up what love is on a daily basis, it is near impossible to see Christ’s riches through the ugly.
I hate that I feel this way. But, in the last few days, I realize that it is because….that is what I have been told about myself for years. I wanted to wear make-up and get my hair done, so I was deemed “high-maintenance”. In Germany, I spent the extra forty cents on creamer instead of milk, so I was “indulgent”. Recently, a family member sent an email to David telling him that I have a “litany of drama that follows me everywhere I go.” My sisters have sent letters to my closest friends, describing me as burdensome….worried that I was “using them”….near apologizing for me (lump in my throat as I write this!). One even attached an article on narcissism. My dear friends, of course, did not buy into this (showing me a deep friendship-love that I had craved all my life).
If I could grasp the truth….really grasp it, I would cease to see myself as a burden. It is slow growth. As we have all talked about many, many times, this kind of change is the re-wiring of our brain. I am hitting a glass bubble with this one. I am looking up through the clear yet impenetrable lining and seeing those who seem whole in their identities in Christ. I am gazing at it; I can taste it….but I am not quite there. I plan on getting there, though. I am writing out a list of the lies on one side of the paper….and then defying them with the truth on the other side of the paper. I have been a warrior for my children and a warrior with the legal system and a warrior for freedom. Now, I have a battle to fight in my own mind.
I am not a burden; I am a gift. So are you. I am not high-maintenance; I am a woman who wants to glorify God in her femininity. I am not “drama”; I am displaying the fruits of the Spirit more and more each day. I am not a narcissist; I am a beloved Child of God who has desired her entire life to follow Him. I am not difficult nor a problem and I am certainly not one to be apologized over. You are none of these negative things, either. You are a Child of the One Living King! Oh my goodness….you are so beautiful. You are worth dying for. Jesus did not have to die for us. He wanted a healed relationship because….He wanted us. I want who I am to match who I am. No more talk of being a burden. I am praying that truth would take root in my heart and my mind and I would live life like I am a gift. And be a gift to all those around me. And that my children will grow up knowing they are gifts to us.
What have they said about you? What did your family or friends or ex-husband or ex-wife pound into your mind? What are the lies? What does God want to heal? Whatever it is, please know this: If you know God, and are part of His Kingdom (a Kingdom of Hearts), you have been covered in a royal robe….with a crown upon your head. Believe it with me.
I will greatly rejoice in the LORD;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10 ESV)
[August 3, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to August 3, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (August 3, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]