Saturday, I sat down with a friend to talk about our different experiences in our former abusive marriages. “Chris” was married to an abusive woman for 25 years while I was married to an abusive man for 12 years. We both wanted to discover what similarities and/or differences there were between our respective marriages. This is just OUR story and we, over here at A Cry For Justice, are interested in your opinions and experiences, as well, regarding the variations between male and female abusers.
As a preface, it is important to explain that Chris and I had very different upbringings. I grew up to be a very insecure young girl by the time I married while Chris grew into a very secure man by the time he married. Thus, much of the contrast in how we reacted to abuse. Every marriage is distinctive; there is no way to categorize behavior by gender, most of the time, due to differing backgrounds and personalities. Here we go . . .
Emotional Abuse
I am sure I responded exactly the way my abuser wanted me to respond when it came to emotional abuse. I cowered under criticism for my mothering and cooking skills. I got to where I hid anything new I tried for fear of him picking at me. There was a relentless lack of love as my ex husband bred insecurity in all of us. I absorbed every bit of this. As a woman, I found myself in my home . . . easily isolated .. . trying to pour myself into my husband and children. Indeed, my entire purpose for living revolved around the home. I lost my voice. Anything I said would be hit hard with a “Who told you that?!” or a “Where did you hear that?!” Nothing I said held any validity and my esteem plummeted.
Chris’ wife was very emotionally abusive, as well. Chris was a pastor and his wife criticized him non-stop. Every ride home from church, Chris braced himself for her verbal assaults as she ripped his sermons to shreds. She tore him down daily: “You don’t know how to lead! You don’t know the first THING about leadership! You don’t make me happy!” Chris said that he was always wrong and never said the right thing. He said that his wife believed that he was responsible for her happiness . . . and that she could never be made happy.
Chris said that, because he worked outside of the home, he was able to gain esteem from the serving he did as a pastor. While he dreaded going home, he said that he, at least, could leave every day and be around very loving people who appreciated him. His esteem struggled, but he was not at the bottom of the pit because of his ministry and because of his fantastic upbringing. His parents had instilled love and esteem into his being.
Physical abuse
Both of our former spouses were physically violent. My husband hurt me physically a handful of times. There was no way to get away and no way to hold him back if he was angry. Chris’ ex wife threw fits of rage. She would pounce on him and hit him. Chris happens to be a larger man and he COULD hold her back at times. He did not live with a fear that she could beat him to death. HOWEVER, in the last year of his marriage, he did have to have the locks changed on his bedroom door for fear she would kill him in his sleep. Up until then, though, he did not live in daily fear.
Although Chris could defend himself sufficiently, the feelings associated with being attacked physically were very similar for both Chris and me. It is a terrible thing to have your spouse come at you, anger pumping through his or her veins. There is just no way to describe the alarm, isolation and betrayal. My spouse is supposed to stand by me, not turn against me.
Psychological and Social Abuse
My ex husband would state that something did not happen that did happen. He would also tell me that he said something that he did not say; or that he did not say something that he did say. He was a master gas-lighter. I felt crazy. And there was no one to bounce things thing off of. I was too isolated to share this part of my life with anyone. Part of me really believed that maybe I was crazy. And if I shared this with anyone, they might think so, too.
Chris told me that he, too, was isolated. He would question himself, saying, “Am I really a terrible person?” Because of Chris’ vocational ministry position, he shared the abuse with no one. Telling anyone that his marriage was a mess would result in the loss of a career and a great deal of shame. His ex wife regularly threatened him, telling him that if he left her or made her life less than happy, she would very tactically “ruin him”. Chris was set free when he did divorce her, did lose his career, and yet survived it all and is now thriving. Chris has victory.
Sexual Abuse
My understanding in my first marriage was that sex was only for men and that women were made to be used. It was painful most of the time. In my own little prison, I would literally cry out in my closet, “God? Is this all you made me for? To be used in bed?” I cried after sex 90% of the time, weeping alone in the bathroom. I dreaded it. It was demanded and Scripture was used against me “Your body is mine . .. . ”
For Chris, it was an absolute denial of sex. His ex wife would not have sex with him but now and then and when he DID want to have sex . . . she made him feel guilty just for a normal desire. It was a terrible and lonely life for Chris. Chris’ ex wife knew he would be faithful to her. And she used and twisted this beautiful trait to her own advantage.
For both of us, there was no true intimacy in sex. It was only a tool. For my ex, it was a release (he would use that word) and a way to use me. For Chris’ ex, it was a tool of manipulation.
Spiritual Abuse
My ex husband used Scriptures such as 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians 7:4 to control me. He used the ideas of submission and authority, as well. Chris’ wife used Scripture such as Ephesians 5:25 . . . “Husbands, love your wives and sacrifice for them . . . ” She insisted he sacrifice everything. She was a taker and devoured all resources they had between them. Using this Scripture, she demanded he give up all he was in “sacrifice”. I was amazed that a woman could be just as crafty when it comes to twisting Scripture as my ex husband could be.
It seems as though our spouses used our greatest desires to control us. Abusers have a keen radar when it comes to utilizing what their victims need most.
My deepest need was for security. My abuser daily pulled the rug out from underneath me. DAILY. Chris’ greatest need was respect. His abuser zeroed in on this and berated and minimized him every chance she got. Are there different desires for men and for women? And does this change the behavior of an abuser? Can we AT ALL categorize some of these qualities and say “This is typical for an abusive man” or “This is typical for an abusive woman?”
It is definitely an area worth exploring.
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Wow! Thank you for writing this! My eyes have been opened! I honestly really thought that it couldn’t be nearly as bad for a man as it is for us. I didn’t consider the emotional and sexual abuse and threats to ruin one’s life as being universally felt. I also never stopped to consider how it feels for a man to have his wife come at him physically, even though he knows he can stop her. The devastation still comes from the BETRAYAL of the vows to love and honor and from the hate that is seen in their eyes. Profound!
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Anew — that was new to me, as well!
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Thank you for this. It is a really good post. I found myself relating more to Chris in some areas though. I was raised in a stable home, had a good self-esteem, and I worked outside the home so I know how Chris felt in that regard. I would leave for work early and then take time getting home. Every chance I had to be at work and not at home I would take it. The only down side is that I always felt bad leaving the children with him (he was a stay at home dad and to lazy to get a job) but we couldn’t afford daycare. I also was more like Chris in the area of psychological and social abuse. I pretended that my marriage was perfect so that I would not loose my career and feel shame in front of my coworkers, while my husband threated to ruin me and take the children if I ever tried to leave. I did end up loosing my career but it was worth it to be free of him and have my children. In all other areas I all under the “wife” side, I think the only reason the few differences were there was because of the background and the fact that we had an “escape” in our workplace.
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Bethany and Megan, I think that’s an interesting and true point. I worked full time until our first was born and part time until our second was born. Even though the marriage was never good, I wasn’t depressed until after I became a stay at home mom. And all I ever wanted in life was to be a stay at home mom. But I think I had some reprieve from the situation when I was working. It was a pretty busy job with lots of interaction, so there wasn’t much time to think about things. And I feel like all I do now is think about things.
Megan, I sympthize with the constant criticism. That’s been one of the biggest issues for me. Whenever I cooked a meal, he would always tell me what I should have done for it to be better. And when I would try to do that for the next time, he would say something else was wrong with it. And if I cooked a meal that came out amazing, he would say “Well, I guess it will do.” Or “This is good, but you know who can cook this meal even better? My mother!” It was constant. And I tried so hard to get it right! Our house was spotless (before children–now it’s far from spotless!), and when he came home and I was finishing up cleaning, he would say “You cleaned???!!!” with the tone of “you’re so lazy and you never clean” even though the house was beyond clean. I just couldn’t do anything right, ever. If we went to see a movie, and I could tell that he really enjoyed it, and I said “that was a great movie,” he would say, “Eh, it was okay.” It’s like he lacks the ability to say that I’m right about anything.
It took 7 years for me to realize that no matter what I cooked, he would find something wrong with it not because there was anything wrong with it, but because he just wanted to put me down. And he enjoyed putting me down to others. And he enjoyed listening to other people putting me down as well. It’s a family trait. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I invited his parents over for dinner. As I’m taking the meal out of the oven, his mother is standing over me telling me all the things I should have done for the meal to be better. She hadn’t even tasted it yet!!
He’s finally stopped because I “tattled” on him to the counselor, but there are memories that I just can’t erase. And every time I cook certain meals, I wonder if he’s thinking about how much better his mother can cook it.
ps A post idea–I’m curious to know about other’s experiences with their abuser’s family of origin. How did the family treat you? How did the abuser treat their family? How did the family treat the abuser?
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Just me- My husbands father is horribly abusive and has had to be court ordered to stay away from his mother. He and is two siblings were taken from the home when he was 18mos old and he was adopted by a “nice Christian” couple. When he was 12 his adopted mother left his adopted father for another man and he never saw her again (according to him she was abusive) his adopted father raised him but he was already very manipulative and basically ruled the house.
As for my parents he treaded them like crap and always hated them. If it weren’t for the fact that my parents were always willing to provide free child care while I was out to sea (I was in the Navy) so that he didn’t have to bother with there care when I wasn’t home, he would have isolated me from them.
As a side note: his father is supportive of my decision to leave his son (but hopes that we will get back together one day…)
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Yes yes! I know those looks, Barb. I know what it is to stare into his face to watch his reaction and then face negativity every time. My ex knew it, as well. I told him I was watching him for approval and things did not get better.
Just Me, my ex’s family is very abusive. Most of the men are deep into pornography. The women are as slaves. They are from a different culture but the sin issues stay the same. My ex’s father speaks ill of women. He would regularly speak of me to my ex as “your whiny wife”. That was what he called me. My ex FIL was highly abusive to the children growing up and they still, to this day, do not have his approval. There is much evil there. I felt just as oppressed and abused by his family as I did by him. And, when I tried to get him to see it, he could not tear himself away. Even in the US, his family had a tremendous hold over him and the thinking was that his parents were always more important than his wife and children. It was awful. So glad to be free.
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In 17 years I never could cook something right at the meal. A month or years later he would talk about how good I made a certain meal but if I made it again I did it wrong. that made it so confusing. And I could never plan meals. If I bought a planned meals, they were never what he wanted to eat and I would have to run out to the store and get what he wanted or he would devastate the budget on take out. Trying to explain this to others not in an abusive relationship. They still saw it as instances, one at a time, not a pattern. I am so tired today of trying to get past this. Glad he is out of my house but weary. Needing him to pay his child support and stop trying to harass me and stalk me. Sorry to whine!
Oh, abuser’s mother abuses him horribly. Of course we all knew she was “off” but did not define it until after we were separated. I tried to encourage his pastor to talk to him about his mother being abusive but his pastor never did and now sometimes the things he accuses me off, are things his mother is doing and because of the abuse and his changing history he can’t figure out it wasn’t ever me doing that but his mother.
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To those who’ve shared food stories, my first husband was always unhappy with my cooking. He even complained about how I made a sandwich. But whatever I did to improve it (following his directions and advice) never made him any happier.
I believe such abusers deliberately complain about any food we prepare for them. Even if we made a perfect dish (by their standards, tastes, and preference on the day) they would not tell us. Because the intent is to demean and destabilise us and keep us in fear. It’s not really about the food, the food is only a tool with which to accuse and blame us. I would look at his face for signs of displeasure while he was eating, hoping against hope that he liked what I’d made. All he had to do was give a slight furrow of his brow and a small disparaging remark to make me emotionally shrivel. And looking back, I think he knew it. I think he knew I was studying his face surreptitiously, in fear of finding the expected displeasure. I think he liked keeping me on a string.
Funny true story: my husband would often find a hair in his food, obviously one of my hairs not his. The hair almost always ended up on his plate not mine. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose – not likely, seeing how I’d cop his displeasure when he found it. After he left, my hair didn’t fall out as much because I wasn’t so stressed. … and only rarely was there a hair in food I’d prepared.
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on the subject of food: one of my husbands favorite things to say if I asked him if he liked a meal was ” I eat it without a word didn’t I? If I didn’t like it I would have said something.” not exactly a “thank you” or a “good meal honey” is it? But if he didn’t like it then I would hear no stop complaints as I prepared him ANOTHER meal and more then a few times had to sweep broken plate off the floor.
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Sorry to hear that, Bethany. :( broken plates are scary
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Thanks for this post and the openness Megan and Chris. There’s a lot I identify with. One thing in particular is the “husbands love your wives”- a lot of what I’ve read women have been commanded to do in the name of “submission’, I was called to do in the name of “love”. When you love someone sacrifically the way I was going about it, it really means ignoring what is good and healthy for you while letting the other person control the relationship.
And the dark twist is that when my wife was in error, it was my fault for not “leading” her correctly.
As I’ve said before, one of the great lies is that we have the ability fix or control our partners, be that through loving sacrifically or submission.
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Chris mentioned that very same irony, Jeff S. He said that he was either not leading her correctly or not loving her enough (her words). It didn’t matter how hard he tried, she just could not have peace. He also said that, because he could lead a church body, he knew (deep inside) that he was capable of leadership. He said this kept his head above water in regards to his esteem. But it did not take the sting away. He could lead thousands of people in a church but could not seem to “lead” his own wife.
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This is very interesting. So the dogma is: when a wife is being abused she’s not submitting properly; when a man is being abused he’s not leading properly. The victim is condemned either way and the abuser is let off.
I think it often boils down to the fact that the abuser is not open to admonishment but the victim is willing to listen to whatever the elders have to say. It’s easier for the elders to correct the spouse who is soft and malleable.
I’m curious to hear more scriptures that were used against male victims. Megan, can you ask Chris if there were any more scriptures that cut or trapped or guilted him? And Jeff S and others of our male readers, I know some of you have talked about being guilted by the Hosea – Gomer story. Were there any other scripture that were thrown in your face that you don’t think would be thrown in wives’ faces?
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Those are the only ones I can think of that are male specific- Hosea and “love your wives as Christ loved the church”(and Christ died for the church). As I’ve said be fore, my ex’s favorite book was “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers, a modernization of Hosea. One of the great insights I got from Instone-Brewer was the realization that Hosea was not a book about a godly man perusing an ungodly woman and redeeming her. It’s a book about a prophet being called to live out the story of God when his people abandoned him.
Until this moment it did not occur to me that Hosea wouldn’t be typically be used for women as well. I’m sure it has been at least in some instances. Using it was certainly not flattering for my ex.
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So the dogma is: when a wife is being abused she’s not submitting properly; when a man is being abused he’s not leading properly. The victim is condemned either way and the abuser is let off.
That’s about the size of it, isn’t it? And it’s yet another reason why marriage has to be viewed as bi-lateral. I suspect this is inevitable when it is viewed as it takes only one to make a marriage work but two to destroy it. I just thought of something. Remember that trust exercise where one person is supposed to stand in front of another and fall backwards so the other person can catch them, and this is supposed to teach trust? Well, what happens when the person who falls is not caught? Repeatedly. (Though for me I would have to be caught repeatedly before I would learn to expect that from that one particular person.) I think someone mentioned this somewhere though for the life of me I can’t remember where or if it was even here, but this is the Charlie Brown and Lucy football scenario all over again. Only, with the respective commands to men and women bifurcated from the command to the opposite gender, you can switch out the role of Charlie Brown and Lucy and still get the same effect. Everyone on earth, Christian or not, knows Charlie Brown needs to set and enforce boundaries and stop falling for what we all know is a lie. But the church insists Charlie Brown keep repeating the same action over and over expecting a different result….
I hope that’s not too rambly. (I think I need more coffee.)
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This quandary is what I faced when I tried to talk to church leaders about what was happening and then later on a variety of other blogs, I was told I needed to toughen up and become the man of the house….
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Hi Craig, welcome to the blog! :)
We hope you continue to share here.
And you might like to check out our New User Info page if you haven’t already done so.
Please don’t take offence that we removed the URL link in your gravatar. We do that as a matter of course until we’ve had time to check the blog or website out.
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Hi Barbara, that’s perfectly ok.
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Sounds about right.
This reminded me of a situation from my first marriage (one of many such situations). My wife ran up really high credit card debts, then blamed me for not managing our money better. She said, “How am I supposed to respect a man who can’t manage the household finances?”
So, I closed credit accounts, put together a monthly budget, mapped out a plan for paying off debt, and tracked monthly progress. A couple of years later (when credit card debts were close to being paid off) I found out she was having another affair. When confronted, she excused her behavior with, “How am I supposed to feel loved by a husband who never wants to spend money?”
No matter what, her misbehavior was excused by either my lack of leadership or my lack of sacrificial love.
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Joe- this is horrible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s terrible. Abuse is abuse. It’s evil and I’m sorry it happened to you.
I think survivor’s accounts are incredibly essential to fighting this evil so I thank you for sharing this.
My x-anti-h didn’t lead and didn’t love and I didn’t cheat or abuse him. I resisted his abuse and sometimes I made bad choices in that like cursing back and name calling back and hitting back. He hated, lusted, controlled, wildly overspent, lived for himself, had power trips, never loved any of us, stonewalled, attacked, shamed, condemned, used and CHEATED!!!! To top it off- it was ALWAYS my fault. Even his cheating more than once. (Like once isn’t murderous enough.)
Like you-
No matter what, his abuse was excused by my “lack of submission” or lack of taking his (responsibility) blame.
He was the kind to abuse you, you react then he expects you to thank him and apologize for your wretched behavior. I got to the point that I couldn’t thank him for a thing.! Even in the honeymoon periods. I had come to understand it was abuse also. Of course he used the no thanking to shame me further.
Imagine a child after having been beaten then being shamed for not thanking her abuser for something. Anything – I don’t care. Expecting respect out of someone who you abused is twisted / evil.
The x-anti-h abused me and destroyed my relationship with my kids. I took out my resistance to his abuse on them. I was taking his abuse and lashing out. I was in fact resisting abuse from my own kids! Such disrespect all the time from them. (No one believed me.) And so I had no relationship with them yet demanded their respect. It didn’t matter WHAT I did. Give in, do the right thing or demand. They NEVER respected me while anti-h was living with us. The kids were abusing me just as the anti-h.
Seriously I HATE abusers and enablers. They only love themselves and I’m so incredibly healthy now that I’m free! My kids are so living and respectful and they know respect and doing what is right is expected here and outside of the home. I NEVER knew life could exist WITHOUT abuse. Never. But now I know it does. And I am able to reject it anywhere now that I’m armed with the truth. And I thank God for the truth. Thank you.
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Joe, thank you for these anecdotes. They are great examples of the way abusers impose Catch-22’s on their victims.
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Also I know a woman who abuses her husband (both are in the family) and he has become unable to stand up for the truth about anything. He won’t ever take sides about anything. Very diplomatic. I’ve talked with him about these behaviors against him and he says “this is how relationships are. They all have troubles.” No, not like how she treats him. She hates him and it’s obvious. I HATE what she does to him. I hate how he is like a non person with her!!! He’s living with someone who bullies him about everything or either is too cool to care and isn’t happy if it isn’t only her way.
Oooooh this makes me so angry! He’s responsible for everything and yet she bullies him and walks around like she is to be worshipped. And watch out if you don’t!
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Free –
I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse. And I rejoice with you in God’s having redeemed you from that abusive marriage and delivered you and your children from that poisonous perspective!
God is so faithful!
Your family member whose wife is abusive…his response is exactly along the lines of what most church leaders would recommend. It’s not healthy at all. But it conforms well with what is ‘expected’ in a typical church culture. So sad!
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Hi Megan.
Thanks for the article. My greatest need was security too. Anti-h pulls out all the stops. I couldn’t even have security in a daily schedule for the week. My whole life was sabotaged.
Anti-h would say I never let him lead. Not so. He’d say his greatest need was respect but he really meant “to be worshipped.” My life had to revolve around him or he wasn’t free to lead. And even though my life did revolve around him it still wasn’t ever enough.
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I’m so deep into psychological abuse that my brain feels scrambled. I often doubt myself too. I’m becoming tired. Too tired to even keep a mental record of all that’s been said or done…I was told not to keep a record of wrongs but then asked to give examples of his abuse back when I actually trusted the pastor to counsel us. A church I no longer attend. So of course, I was silent being put on the spot.
I refuse sex because that is all my husband wants me for and I refuse to live like that. He does not talk to me at all. If he does, it’s out of necessity because we have 2 small children. He demanded sex very shortly after I had our first child, even before I was cleared by the doctor to do so. The second child, I didn’t allow it. Even now, the rare occasion when we do, he is disappointed because it goes too fast, he says. I feel I am being raped while having sex.
My husband started out at the beginning of our marriage telling me I was controlling simply because I wanted to decorate our house a certain way. He told me I was controlling because I wanted to spend our free time together. He always wanted to run off and do other stuff and I was always second or not at all. His idea of spending time together is having sex, even if we had not talked for several days. He put me down if I did something wrong, or simply stared at me, disappointed, with a stern look and didn’t say anything while I was left stammering out excuses as to why I accidentally spilled something or explaining myself unnecessarily. During my first pregnancy I was so ill that I projectile vomited, barely able to control it, and was so weak I could barely walk across a room. He had no compassion for me and thought I was faking it. When I went to someone at church for help, thinking they would finally relieve me and say, we’ll talk to him, they instead turned it on me and told me I needed to sacrifice myself like Jesus did on the cross. Very few people were compassionate and understanding.
When I took time off work to rest, I was bombarded with “did you talk to your boss about this? Is it okay if you’re off work? I hope you don’t get fired for being off work”.
We went to visit my parents for the first Christmas since we were married over [several] years ago. My mom noticed that I wasn’t allowed to buy anything for myself without him making comments about it, but he bought whatever he wanted. And on another visit, if I asked for help with the baby, he made faces and reluctantly did so.
Recently, I started doing a hobby I like and enjoy doing again after not doing it for several years. It makes me feel good and brings me peace. He put that down too. There’s much more but I can’t type it all….I have tried to make amends but he doesn’t think he has a problem, he thinks I do.
I have found a counselor that I think will help us. We haven’t started going yet but it is essential if things are going to change. I used to think I was the weird one, the odd man out, because the church never validated my complaints or told me that’s how it was supposed to be. But when I talk to other friends and family back home, I see that i am not odd. They agree with me and support me.
Abuse is more common than people know…and it is an attitude reinforced by society as well. I am thankful for groups like this one that empower the abused to get away from their abusers and don’t advocate them staying in a marriage that is miserable and harmful.
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Yes, Cher, psychological and emotional abuse is exhausting. It’s no wonder you are tired and confused.
You may find these posts helpful to untangle the lie that many victims are told about not keeping a record of wrong:
What Does “Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs” Mean?
Thursday Thought — Does Love keep a Record of Abuse
Also, may I caution you if you are considering couple counseling. You said:
We have a TAG called ‘couple counseling’ that lists several posts that explain the dangers of couple counseling in abusive relationship. Our list of TAGS can be found on the top menu bar. And here are a few posts to start off with:
Why Couple Counseling is not recommended for domestic abuse
Calling Evil Good: The Error of Couple Counseling for Abuse
Thursday Thought — Good Quote on Why Couples Counseling is Wrong for Abuse Cases
and here is a post on Choosing & Assessing a Counselor
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Thank you for the links. I will check them out.
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Now I understand why the Holy Spirit led me to this post and the comments it generated in my zig-zag trail to my difficulty with Proverbs….another breadcrumb….
Preamble: My entire life was spent in abusive relationships, from childhood upwards, personally and professionally.
No matter which relationship I was in, I was expected to play both the male and female roles!
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Hi, Finding Answers, don’t reply to this unless you want to do so (and have the emotional / mental energy), but I’m curious to hear you amplify what you mean by this statement:
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Answering you is a really good idea, Barb, thank you for asking.
Putting into words what I can “see” in my head helps solidify the idea(s), though I need to ponder the response a little longer…I connected a few more dots while I was out walking. (I also realized my ex-mother-in-law and ex-sister-in-law were abusers…ex-father-in-law was the anomaly.)
On a bunny-trail thought, I find it interesting I “see” the insights in my mind with increasing frequency, linked directly to the writing I’ve done on the ACFJ blog. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the fog clearing…
Do you know if others experience changes in insight reception?
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I don’t know exactly what you mean by ‘insight reception’, Finding Answers, but coming to this blog and reading others’ experiences has been very validating and reassuring for me. My abusers are really smart people so the mind-mucking, the subtleties, the intricacies, the level of sophistication, coupled with intermittent shock and awe brutality, makes for one huge mess. And seeing others talk about things gives validation to my experiences.
When malicious people assail me in seeking to discredit me, calling me ‘paranoid’ ‘unstable’ and more, then despite overwhelming black-and-white clarity, and really severe abuse, I go back into the fog. But rape is rape. Abuse is abuse. And despite what abusers drill into your head, you did not make them into evildoers, as they were such long before you and will continue to be in life. But the endless head games, the malicious, unethical, conspiring, shady professionals who seek to discredit me in covering up widespread criminality of powerful people, it really eats at a person who has no other support and is basically facing a mob alone.
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Anonymous – A clarification on my use of the phrase insight reception….
Usually when I connect the dots and obtain insight into something, it’s a series of rapid-paced thoughts…words and phrases flowing in sequence. Almost in the style of a simple, logical proof. For example, if A = B, and B = C, then A = C.
Now, it’s almost “Temple Grandin-ish”, for lack of a clearer description. From reading some of her books, seeing her TED talk, she thinks in pictures and has to translate the pictures into words. It’s a different way of processing.
That’s why I appreciate Barb’s reply. I need to learn how to translate the picture I see in my mind into words others can understand. What I wrote omitted how I reached the conclusion.
A thought, a “saying” really, on your reference to others calling you paranoid….and written without any implication of paranoia. (And a potential trigger warning to some). “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean there is no one following you.”
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Barb,
I still see the picture in my mind and still struggle with finding the words to match….
Without realizing it, I was synthesizing information from other posts and comments on the ACFJ blog.
Maybe if I re-word the statement to:
Does this make the picture any clearer?
(I’m sorry if I’m no clearer…for some reason, the more I struggle to find the words, the closer I feel to vomiting with pain.)
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Yes, that re-wording helps make it clearer. :)
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I can very much identify with Chris and I am shaking literally just thinking how similar a lot of what he said has been my experience too.
One thing I note is in ministry he mentioned how getting away from the house made such a difference. I found the same as I went to my home church or others I was involved with. Mainly to give the church a break from me and for me to have a break from ministering, and be ‘fed’ spiritually. It was not my crutch, but it helped keep me in the “real world” so to speak and I received so much strength and gained so many new friends. I could never have coped without God continually ministering into my own soul as I ministered to others or sat under and absorbed good, biblical and godly ministry.
I often received so much insight into passages of scripture [by the?] way of the line of the preacher’s thoughts, that spoke volumes into my soul and situation. Those times were precious and kept me going in the midst of constant abuse and the search to piece everything together in my head.
I hated going home and would stay out as long as I could. Crying in fear and dread at work, hidden in toilets, before holidays when all going off to enjoy. I knew I was going home to weeks of hell. To this day I still suffer from “holiday-itus”. Returning to work afterward to again hide in toilets tearful as others shared of their fantastic adventures. Scared in case someone asked me about how my break went. So I avoided people like the plague! What did I have to share??? That’s a whole other story in itself and the abuse I received once for saying one wee thing….that escalated into a meltdown and mockery unreal. A man is seen as not manning up and a wimp if he lets his wife treat him like a doormat. Another fear which may be different….perhaps??
You can imagine then my devastation when my wife destroyed all that I had left through her manipulation, lies and attempts to isolate or make me see reason. I’d said I was leaving, it was her last ditch attempt to keep me under her control. She told the pastor’s wife and my world fell apart. I’ve written before my story and how the pastor and wife responded.
It’s encouraging to read, although Chris lost all, he is doing good. I can only hope for that, as I have lost everything.
A lot of other comments I agree and identify with too. It’s amazing how much applies and so it’s extremely important we keep talking to each other here. One story or comment helps so many of us. I know for me it’s very much a help in learning to live again. Thank you to everyone who just shares!!
There’s so much crossover between male and female [abuse] though perhaps there are slight differences too, but a lot depends on each individual.
I’ve described in one of my latest comments some of what I feared when confronted with threats of violent behaviour, verbal threats and abuse, etc. When cornered with threats and heavy verbal abuse, I think maybe ‘in general’ a man may think slightly different. I could never fully generalise as we have often seen here we all are unique creatures – fearfully and wonderfully made as the psalmist tells us. God knows our frame, Psalm 121.
This is simply because as we know men are on the whole more likely to be the perpetrator. That is used heavily in psychological abuse. It is terrifying for a man when having to stand or defend himself. I could not have moved a muscle or I’d be threatened with the victim mentality that I was abusing her and hitting her or attempting to raise my hand and threats to ring police, women’s aid etc followed.
One night I heard her in speaking to women’s aid telling them so much false things. She knew my biggest fear and boy did she play on that. She knew how devastating that would be to me in ministry. How I ever was able to do anything (despite what my pastor falsely accused me of) was only down to God and His strength in my weakness. I’d nothing of myself to give.
She would often shut herself off for days and barricading the door of her room, all to make me feel guilty. I hadn’t a clue why or what was happening but it destroys you inside, and the feeling that I am such a terrible husband and lover.
Interesting note, her mother does exactly the same if she [wife] does not drop all and come take her [mother] to a shop or run some errand. To me it is pure immature behaviour and I could so easily see the learnt traits of an abuser passed onto another. That is not to excuse the abuse by any means.
My wife knew I had dealt with abuse situations before. She knew my very firm stance on rape, incest, sexual abuse, etc and that even a hint of it should be investigated and people helped. She knew my abhorrence to cover ups and knew I had whistle-blown on others before. I had been through a lot with people close to me way before I’d even met her.
She knew I detested these things. So guess what was used often then to batter me??
It near killed me to think in the fog of confusion, “could I be as bad as these others and do such things??”
I have never ever told anyone some of the horrendous accusations or comments made in the heat of a full onslaught of pure evil rage. They are too disgusting and painful to bear a second thought.
So with just that one thing in mind, that most abusers are male changes perhaps some things in the mind of a male victim compared to a female. Perhaps??
The fear is very real of court, jail, and on a sex offenders list or registrar of abusers, etc criminal record, etc etc.
I can’t begin to say how hard that was for me and still is. Even in trying to date or develop new relationships, it’s so hard to get by. The fear of not being believed is with us all but I wonder is it heightened more in a man in some cases.
It would be interesting for me as I try to recover to hear if there really is a difference here or do you ladies suffer the same terrible things. As I said, we are thankfully unique and no case exactly the same or perpetrators the same, but that can make all sorts of complexities for our abusive situations.
I’d be interested in hearing other views even though I know I am reading quite old posts here. It’s always fresh to us all I guess. Hopefully one day I will master this side of things.
At the moment I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate for winter.
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