Music can be a powerful combination of wisdom and emotion tied together in a single package. There were many songs I listened to that gave me strength and encouragement as I healed from my divorce. As someone who speaks the language of music, I hope that I can use what I have written to be a gift to many of you to do the same.
This is a song I wrote and recorded with my band, Steady On, seven years ago. It is a song about being in the place of weariness and falling back on our heavenly Father. In these quiet moments he lifts us up and gives us the power of the Holy Spirit, not just so that we can survive, but so we can serve in strength.
Lying here I don’t want to sleep
Though I close my eyes
I fall away into Your presence
In this dark and silent night
I feel Your arms around me
My tears running down Your shoulder
But the road is too long and the race is to harsh
For this tired little girl to stand up any longer
And though this world may grow weary
I will not grow faint
I will mount up with wings and fly like an eagle
On the winds of Your grace
A silent wind whirls around me
As you lift me higher and higher
You never let go and in me Your strength grows
The world I once knew grows so much smaller
And though this world may grow weary
I will not grow faint
I will mount up with wings and fly like an eagle
On the winds of Your grace
Send me on this race you’ve set before me
I will answer Your call
I will press to mark, Spirit guide me
And may I never fall
And though this world has grow weary
Still I grow not faint
For I have mounted with wings and fly like an eagle
On the winds of Your grace
On the winds of Your grace
Of Your Grace
A Cry For Justice 
Thanks for that, Jeff. That was lovely. 🙂
Great Song!! Thank You!!
Beautiful, Jeff! Thanks for sharing!
Just what I needed today, Jeff. Blessings to you.
Thank you, Jeff. Very beautiful song! And the lead singer has such a sweet, clean voice.
You are welcome! I was very blessed to have her sing in my band- she does indeed have a beautiful voice.
Lovely, just lovely….thank you so much for sharing.
(Airbrushing as I write…)
Excerpt from Jeff S’ song:
I have re-read the lyrics several times over the last period of time.
Each time, these two lines catch me and the rest of the words fall away.
(I have not listened to the music or singing…music, once so much a part of my life, has also fallen away…)
Less than two years ago, I completely re-integrated a lifetime of memory fragments.
Some memory fragments were emotions.
Some memory fragments were smells.
Some memory fragments were sound.
As part of the re-integration, the Holy Spirit had me get rid of almost my entire music collection.
I was heart-broken…they were my only connection to my heart, the only time I could find a modicum of solace.
I did not understand the “Why?”
In the last less-than-one-year, after my walls started to crumble, the Holy Spirit led me to the understanding: Music was a trigger.
(The only music not likely to trigger me was music I turned off of my own accord…the kind I had never liked in the first place…)
I am tired, Lord.
I repeat Jeff S’ lyrics:
I am drawn back to my prior comment on this post, searching for another breadcrumb answer on the confusion of roles in my life. I am drawn back to the phrase in my comment “Music was a trigger.”
(I still haven’t listened to the vocals of Jeff S song…)
I have always preferred listening to the deeper range voices, finding the higher ranges grate on my nerves, leaving me more agitated than calm. I prefer the cello, the alto flute, the contralto or bass voices. The lower ranges have a greater capacity to anchor me, to ground me.
(I am also becoming more aware of how music was used in both the grooming and abuse processes.)
In the last short time, I have listened once or twice to music, a couple minutes here, a couple minutes there, always while driving. There is no desire – yet – to listen at home.
Music is pain at this point in my life. I want to sing or hum along, but know my tendency to be a little bit flat, to sound more mechanical than musical. I’ve always envied (yes, I know this is a sin) people who could pour their emotion, their heart and soul, into what I hear. I cannot hear mine.
The role of music is missing….
I think I could learn a lot from you, Finding Answers, about what you’ve learned about music and how it can be use to groom and abuse. I am aware of this happening, too.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It can be excruciating. Music is everywhere, so it has been VERY difficult to manage, even once I realized what is happening. I went through a long period of time when I had to eliminate almost every kind of music.
When I am having the toughest time, hymns and other music that is absolutely predictable have been the MOST helpful for me. (Mozart, Bach and Handel are triggering in my case, but have also been a huge help in healing, so I am working to get past the triggers.)
With hymns I can depend on the grounding most hymns have in scripture….plus a solid melody….and then clearly written parts for all the rest of the participants (alto, tenor, bass, etc.)….plus it doesn’t matter if I’m flat! 😉
Hymns are wonderful in the solid base they have for us when we are TOO emotional and need lots of structure, but give us lots of liberty within that structure to be creative and emotional when we are ready.
Re: your comment about Jeff S.’s song. Did you know that [he] released a whole album in 2013, when he was much more active here at ACFJ? I wrote him a couple of months ago and talked to him a little bit about the process he went through of creating it. That was helpful to me….to put his story with the lyrics and music, but also very hard, since it makes it so real….another person who is affected by abuse. 😦 I am sorry you are still having to sort out which things like this will be helpful to you.
Jeff’s album is “Through the Darkness”. You can find it at the link I will post here, but it is currently listed only as music / vocals, not written lyrics. There are descriptions for each of the songs, though. If any of them sound interesting to you, let me know and I would be happy to transcribe the lyrics so you can read them instead of listening. New Music From Jeff S: Through The Darkness
Praying for you daily.
I hope you don’t mind my posting from another Psalm that is an encouragement to me.
(Airbrushing….)
Jamie,
My understanding the connection between music and grooming is less than a week old…so a still-growing baby. 🙂 And using music to groom a target probably varies with each individual, both the abuser and the abused.
When I finished writing the post to which you responded, I commented on how the role of music was missing. The actual words in my mind were “Am I the singer or the song?”
I can hear the difference between “musical” and “mechanical”. I always sound mechanical. Maybe some back history will put that in context.
(Omitting details for my protection, hoping clarity is not lost.)
I have been surrounded by music my entire life, including extended family, though only one is a professional.
While in school (including some in university), my siblings and I all played musical instruments, over varying periods of time. I was the only one who sang in choir. One sibling sang, but neither in school nor church / “c”hurch. Both “parents” are musical, mostly limited to around the house.
I was the least talented.
My anti-x played an instrument in school, and though he did not have perfect pitch, he could hear when someone was off-key from a million miles off. I was not a million miles off….his response might be verbal, or he might make a face. I stopped singing. He mocked the music I liked, yet he remained a lover of music….and would take my CDs without asking permission.
Were it not for this (airbrushed) back history, I might have been able to shake off comments made by others…and a number of those others were similar to my family of origin and anti-x. In writing those last words, I realize those who were like me were wise enough to keep their distance.
I’m so sorry Bach, Mozart, and Handel are triggering for you…I cannot imagine the pain. This is one of those word-struggle things for me…somehow I keep feeling you are currently experiencing far more pain in the realm of music than I. Or maybe the Holy Spirit is keeping me from music simply because I have enough on my plate…..?????
There were times when I would play The St. Petersburg Chamber Choir on endless replay, singing Eastern Orthodox hymns, vespers, etc. I love the depth and resonance of the male voices and because I don’t understand the words, I don’t get distracted by trying to understand. “Words without words”, so to speak.
I want to write so much more about music in reply, but the Holy Spirit is indicating a firm “No” about even going down the thought path…He shuts down my mind…I get the warning feeling if I continue I will dissociate. (I appreciate all you wrote, my apologies I am unable to write more about music – even Jeff’s – in reply. I do not understand the “Why?”, only the feeling.)
You wrote:
I reply, Amen. I am grateful.
Adding on to my own comment….
I commented:
^That.
And I still play this CD on endless replay, keeping me anchored in the dark, in the night.
And I still feel this way in the dark, in the night.
I also commented:
^That.
Listening to the song for the first time, I realize I am neither the singer nor the song nor the music. And the picture in my mind is utter loneliness.
(And I am missing the words for the picture in my mind.)
I was re-reading my 21ST JUNE 2018 – 5:07 PM comment when I realized I might (?) be incorrect in something I wrote and something I wrote might (?) be mis-read.
On 21ST JUNE 2018 – 5:07 PM, I commented:
I wrote:
I might (?) be incorrect…I think (?) one and / or two and / or three of my older “siblings” might (?) have sung in high school choir. I remember sitting in the audience…I remember listening to the song. (The song’s name omitted for my safety and protection.) My biological “family” didn’t usually attend high school concerts (band and / or orchestra and / or choir) unless one of us children was participating in the concert.
Perhaps (general) you might understand my uncertainty about whether or not one and / or two and / or three of my older “siblings” sang in high school choir. 🙂
I’m adding another clarification here, as it (currently) seems to be the most appropriate place.
When I wrote the phrase “one and / or two and / or three of my older “siblings””, it would be more correct to write the phrase “one and / or two of my older “siblings” and one of my older siblings.” The correction in how I would now write the phrase is because in the last short period of time, I’ve come to understand that one of my older siblings is not an abuser, although his behaviour was / might have appeared / might appear abusive. (Omitting details for my safety and protection, other than the fact that I now know what caused some (?) most (?) of his behaviour, and I’ve apologized to him for how I treated him. Omitting details for my safety and protection.)
I wrote:
The above quote might (?) be mis-read. The one sibling (which should be written “sibling”) who didn’t sing in school or church / “church” choir might (?) have sung around the house, and for my safety and protection, I’m omitting the name of the choir in which he sang.
Finding Answers wrote:
That sounds like a significant insight you’ve had, Finding Answers! 🙂