I’ve just found an audio interview I gave in 2011. I have never shared this interview at this blog before. That illustrates how muddle-headed I can sometimes be. Too many balls in the air…I lose track. And over the years, moving from a Microsoft computer, to an Apple laptop, to a newer model Apple laptop has made my muddle-headedness even more complicated. Sigh.
The interview was recorded some years before I realised that 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 is the most appropriate scripture for church discipline of abusers. Therefore, if you listen to the interview, please also read my post about How I changed my mind regarding church discipline in cases of domestic abuse.
Listening to the interview recently, it struck me how I was much more verbally articulate — quick and clear in putting words together when speaking — than I am these days. I am much slower now. I find it hard to find words when I’m speaking. And I’m much less confident when speaking extempore without a prepared speech that I’ve written beforehand. I can still write, but off-the-cuff speaking is much more difficult than it used to be. I put that down to having had more years of suffering PTSD, plus the come-and-go symptoms of burnout, and possibly age-related changes as well. My verbal slowness makes it much harder for me to do even simple tasks like shopping, talking on the phone to make appointments, etc.
The interviewer was Leigh Hatcher. It lasts 16 minutes. Listen here.
You can see how much I have aged in this selfie I took today. I long ago stopped dying my hair, but I haven’t yet got round to changing my profile pic on social media.
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Barb,
You wrote in your post:
I LOVE your new selfie. 😊 😊 😊 To me, you look beautiful. 😊
You wrote in your post:
….and I’ve listened to the interview. 😊
You wrote in your post:
(The strikethrough was done by me.)
No offence intended, Barb, and I’m not a therapist, a counsellor, etc….
A few things….
I used strikethrough on your phrase “and possibly age-related changes as well” — as I believe that doesn’t apply to you if you were possibly(?) referring to things like dementia.
And searching for words and slower speech can be indicative of maturity, more experience, and more life experiences. I know I used to speak faster (which I no longer do, because I’ve healed so much), and now I speak more slowly (which I do, because I’ve healed so much).
And — for the moment — I gesture with my hands much less than I used to do….due mostly to my version of expletive deleted spiritual warfare (omitting details for my safety and protection), and partially because I’ve spent the last approximately two weeks in what I call “the pits of hell”….my version of that expletive deleted spiritual warfare has kept me inside my condo for the last I-don’t-know-how-many-months (omitting details for my safety and protection)….I’ve only made one short trip outside my condo complex building to go to a very close by store (omitting details for my safety and protection).
You wrote in your post:
And me being me, I did a bit of research on Leigh Hatcher. 😊 I’m including two Internet Archived links on him for readers who might want more information. 😊 (I’m omitting quotes from the two links to keep my comment shorter. 😊)
Leigh Hatcher [Internet Archive link] — Wikipedia
Leigh Hatcher [Internet Archive link] — Leigh Hatcher’s website
(And, yes, this comment took me FAR longer to write than it should, due to my version of expletive deleted spiritual warfare….and the fact that I got my comment finished proves that — once again — I won. 😊)
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Adding on to my comment of 25th September 2023….and with tears pouring down my face as I write….
I wrote:
While I was brushing my teeth just after lunch today, I had a vision….and tears started pouring down my face….I felt so much pain….I held both hands to my chest, the way I do when I’m experiencing intense non-physical pain and I’m trying to comfort myself. Unfortunately, for my safety and protection (as well as the safety and protection of many other people), I’m unable to provide much detail. 😢
I saw God, and He was cradling me in His hands….He was looking at me with such love and compassion and pain in His face….I was a small and hurting little blue bird. I’d made some promises (omitting details for my safety and protection) that He knew I had to make….and He knows I can’t and won’t break break them, and He knows why.
Is this pain and hurt I’m still feeling anything like God and His Son, Jesus Christ? I don’t know how to put this into words, and I know there are those who will read this comment of mine and twist it into something I don’t mean….I know I’m not God, and I know I’m not Jesus Christ, and I’ve never had any children of my own….but I HAVE loved, even those people who abused me. And I’ve loved those who committed the unpardonable sin, even after they’ve committed the unpardonable sin — I loved them (and myself) by going “No Contact”.
I wonder if this awful hurt and pain I feel will ever diminish….I know the hurt and pain will never go away….and at least I have my vision of God cradling me in His hands….His little blue bird.
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Dear Finding Answers, I usually read comments soon after they are posted. As soon as I read this one of yours I wanted to reply. Sadly, these days, it is often a long time before I find myself in a mental space where I can open up my laptop.
I was deeply moved by your comment.
I think I recall you telling us ages ago that although you feel a lot of non-physical pain, you never wept tears. (Hope I’ve recalled that right.) Your weeping of tears now… what a change! Healing is on-going I know, but the fact that you were able spontaneously to shed tears is beautiful.
You wrote:
This question of yours … I dare not preach as I’m sure my words would fall short, but I think that the answer to your question is Yes.
Very tentatively, I would like to suggest these phrases and verses:
“the passions of Christ” (Colossians 1:24),
“in him all things have their being” (Colossians 1:17b-18a),
“one man” (Ephesians 2:15),
“one body” (Ephesians 4:4),
“the body” (Ephesians 4:14),
“one heart” (Ezekiel 11:19),
“Christ in you, the Hope of Glory” (Colossians 1:27b).
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Barb,
You wrote (1st October 2023):
I’m so sorry, Barb 😢 ….hopefully that will change for the better soon. 😊
You wrote:
And:
Only a minor clarification 😊 ….when I wept tears in the past, it was when I felt betrayed at an incredibly deep level. It’s hard to put into words….it’s only happened two or so times in my life (omitting details for my safety and protection).
This time, the tears were different. In a way, it was kinda-sorta like betrayal, because I couldn’t give to God what I so long to give Him. I know God understands, hence my vision. And while I can empathize with Him, I have difficulty feeling cradled in the palm of His hands. I felt cradled in the palm of His hands many, many years ago, and it came up in a healing session about two decades ago (omitting details for my safety and protection). I could feel His unconditional love for me as He cradled me in the palm of His hands. I’ve never felt that feeling since….something that was “taken” away from me….I’m guessing by some twisted “Christian” teaching that has yet to be (to finishing being?) healed.
It’s kinda-sorta hard to explain….when I was a child, my faith and God-love were untainted. The older I grew and the more experience I had with “Christians” (and some Christians), with “churches” (and some churches), the more tainted my faith and God-love became. I think(?) that is finally slowly healing now….the last I-don’t-know-how-long that I’ve been fighting this expletive deleted spiritual warfare, I’ve been almost completely isolated. I’ve spent a lot of time “looking and feeling for Jesus”. That might sound strange….it’s like when I look at something beautiful, I’m looking at it with the knowledge Jesus is seeing and feeling what I see. And the same thing goes for the things I see people doing that are harming each other, the planet, the environment, the animals, etc.
Somewhere — I think it was on the ACFJ blog (my apologies to readers….I’m too tired to look it up right now….I’m having a really bad “pits of hell” and bad physical pain day — you wrote (paraphrasing) of my expletive deleted spiritual warfare being fighting lies. Perhaps what I’m fighting now is (for me, not necessarily other people) the ultimate lie.
You wrote:
Thank you for these, Barb. 😊 I looked them up almost immediately after I read your comment on October 1….I’ve included your phrases with the complete Biblical quotes below:
“the passions of Christ” (Colossians 1:24)
“in him all things have their being” (Colossians 1:17b-18a)
“one man” (Ephesians 2:15)
“one body” (Ephesians 4:4)
“the body” (Ephesians 4:14)
“one heart” (Ezekiel 11:19)
“Christ in you, the Hope of Glory” (Colossians 1:27b)
My apologies for any errors I might have made in my comment….I’m exhausted.
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Adding on to my comment of 9th October 2023….
I wrote:
For me, and I know many Christians (and maybe some “Christians”) would judge me for what I’m about to write….
For me — and God knows this — I’m unable keep one of the New Testament commandments (see my earlier comments in this thread….I’m too exhausted to copy-and-paste them here….my apologies to readers for the inconvenience and if this comment is less than clear….omitting details for my safety and protection):
(The strikethrough and bold were done by me.)
I know this won’t make sense to some(?) many(?) people….and — once again — I regret having to write that I need to omit any explanation for my (and other people’s) safety and protection. 😢 For me, the first commandment is to love my neighbour as myself….and Jesus is my neighbour.
And as I wrote in my earlier comment:
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I really appreciate this comment of yours, Finding Answers. It’s very deep. I honour you for writing it here, especially since the writing took so much energy on your part!
I find that I am unable to love God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. That is one reason why I need to trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and follow Him as best I can in my imperfect capacity and frailty.
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Barb,
You wrote (11th October 2023):
When I read what you wrote, I thought “I hadn’t thought of that.” 😊 Biblically speaking, that’d be true of all believers….I’m not sure — I think maybe that helps me feel a bit better. 😊 I’d been writing from my own perspective….not thinking of the Bible when I’d made the promises I’d had to make (omitting details for my safety and protection)….maybe it was Jesus Who led me to make those promises. Maybe….just maybe….many(?) most(?) all (?) believers are in the same boat as me, but for different reasons.
Given what you wrote, Barb, is it possible that men (as in mankind) are the ones that put so much emphasis on loving God first, and not God? I know what the Bible says, but is that actually God’s heart? Would God really want us to put Him before our neighbors, etc.? Would that be Christ-like?
If we love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, could it be kinda-sorta like what I used to say (mostly to myself) about one of the churches I attended (and said of many other churches afterwards) when things were being done for people everywhere else: “What about the people in your own f-bomb parish?” (except I used the actual word — or politer variations :-) — for f-bomb when I spoke 😊).
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Thank you, Finding Answers, for saying you don’t think I’m showing signs of dementia. I have been wondering whether my forgetfulness is a sign of dementia. In fact, I went to my GP to get assessed for that very thing. She did the 30 point questionnaire which is used as a basic assessment for cognitive deficits. I got a perfect score: 30 / 30. However, I asked her to refer me to a specialist who could give me the more thorough (100 point) assessment. She said the specialist agency (called a “memory clinic”) will probably throw out the referral because all prelim assessment showed no signs of problems. But because of my dad’s experience, I asked her to do the referral anyway.
In his late 80s my dad, at the suggestion of three of his adult children, went to his GP for a dementia assessment and he got a perfect 30 / 30 score. But we kids could see that something wasn’t right and a year later we persuaded him to get another assessment. This time the GP referred him to a geriatrician. With my dad’s consent, I went with him to that geriatrician appointment. The geriatrician ran a 100 point questionnaire and talked to dad about his life and his work. The result: dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The geriatrician told dad that the 30 point questionnaire is designed to pick up cognitive decline in people of average intelligence but it often does not work for people who have started off from a very high IQ. Since I saw my dad go through that, I thought it might be wise for me to learn from his experience and ask for a specialist assessment. The GP told me that the waiting list at the memory clinic is very long.
No harm done to be on a waiting list.
The GP also gave me another option: consulting a neuro-psychologist. I’ve contacted the neuro-psychology clinic (which is in Melbourne, several hours drive for me) and they’ve told me that their assessment takes 3 hours face-to-face and costs $1650, and it CAN differentiate between dementia and PTSD / burnout. So I may go down that track. Still thinking about it.
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Barb,
No offence or insult to you intended….
You wrote (1st October 2023):
(The words “the GP” in brackets was added by me.)
And:
I’m not questioning the capabilities of either your GP, the specialist, or the geriatrician, Barb….as I was re-reading your comment, I got to thinking (and not just about how little I know about the 30 point questionnaire and the 100 point assessment 😊): I wonder how many people know about these kinds of things….doctors, nurses, friends, family, pastors, abusers, victims, survivors, etc….how they can be done (intentionally or unintentionally) correctly, incorrectly, never done….I’m guessing they (the 30 point questionnaire and the 100 point assessment) are used and / or abused the way so many other things are.
You wrote:
I’m NOT giving any advice, nor even making a suggestion….based on what you wrote….and I know the cost (not just the monetary cost) might seem like a high price to pay….and — from your experience with your father and as a nurse, etc. — you know WAY more than me….would the neuro-psychologist and the neuro-psychology clinic provide a more accurate assessment? If I were in your shoes (and ignoring the fact that I’m Asperger’s), I’d probably go to the neuro-psychology clinic.
I know whatever you choose will be the right choice for you, Barb. 😊
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Thank you for saying this, Finding Answers! It really helped me. :)
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Dear Sweet Barbara,
You are still a very pretty and beautiful woman in the eyes of out Risen LORD and Savior, Christ Jesus, and to those of us abused women (by the hands and minds of church men, especially those whom have been “voted into a church office” by their ignorant and equally abusive peers / pew sitters).
Survival depends on the Holy Ghost / Spirit leading our souls to seek out the experiential wisdom of peer believers in Jesus. There is no worldly authority above Him, only pure Truth as He is The Word, and ours as well, as His Beloved Sheep.
You have ministered to me on occasion, however, red flags ignited in my soul at some of your / Jeff Crippen’s postings as I truly believe the false teaching of complementarianism and patriarchy is NOT of the mind of Christ. And those who choose to promote this false doctrine, actually belong to the synagogue of Satan, as Jesus speaks thereof.
I pray you are healing, Barbara, and experience much joy and security in knowing that Jesus loves you beyond the self-defining boundaries of mere man.
And I thank you, as I have thanked my wonderful Dad and Mom over and over again, for “being God’s Ekklesia” in my life, not the abusive churches I attend [attended?] here in the U.S.
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Karen,
You wrote (26th September 2023):
(The phrases “posts and comments”, “many of which contained at least one”, and “some of which were on” in brackets were added by me.)
That….although some of the errors in Jeff Crippen’s posts and comments were because he is not a very good writer (or proofreader — pun unintended 😊. — And some of his proof-texting wasn’t very good either. 😊).
You wrote:
That.
You wrote:
(This note was added by me — the word “attended?” in brackets was added by an ACFJ Moderator when Karen’s comment was Approved. Barb’s name in brackets was added by me.)
I hope, Karen, that the ACFJ Moderator was correct — that you no longer attend an abusive church. 😊
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Dear Karen, thank you so much for commenting so honestly about your response to this blog. :) And thanks for your kind words about my physical appearance. :)
I used to think that complementarianism was fairly sound doctrine, though I knew that in practice it led to much abuse of women. When there is a great chasm between doctrine and practice, that always indicates error and corruption. I now think that complementarianism is unsound in both doctrine and practice. That doesn’t mean I agree with all the egalitarian interpretation of scripture. I think that egalitarian interpretation has one or a few things things wrong, but the complementarian interpretation has a lot more things wrong than the egalitarian interpretation. Egalitarians, in my observation, have made errors in practice also, showing how little they understand and can identify the deceptions and tactics of abusers.
I have found Andrew Bartlett’s book very helpful — Men and Women in Christ: Fresh Light from the Biblical Texts. I agree with his critique of the egalitarian interpretation of Ephesians 5. It’s a dense book to read but I highly recommend it, even though I still haven’t finished reading it.
I love this thing you said in your comment:
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Barb,
You wrote (1st October 2023):
When I read this, I laughed….not at you, Barb….I laughed at the thought of all the people who accuse you of being rigid and unchanging in your thinking. 😊 And many of those people are the ones that are rigid and unchanging in their thinking. 😊
And you don’t see either side — complementarian or egalitarian — as all right or all wrong, the way so many complementarians and egalitarians do.
I’ve never thought of myself as either complementarian or egalitarian….I’m just me….and you might find it hard to believe….for many years I never even thought of myself as a Christian. Not because I’m not a Christian, but because I just never thought about it….just like I never thought about people being Hindu, Muslim, etc. And it wasn’t until late in my life that I realized how many of what I call “flavours” of Christianity there are (Anglican, Protestant, Roman Catholic, Baptist, etc.). And it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve understood much about the Reformation.
It’s not that I’m slow on the uptake….I just know God and Jesus….maybe it’s because I was baptized and saved at six months old….I just don’t see people as any particular label. To me, many people are “the hands-and-feet of Christ” on earth, no matter what religion they are or profess.
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You wrote:
I’ve noticed similar trends with me! Not at all rejoicing in your sufferings; just for a few moments I felt a little less alone in connecting with someone who so closely articulated some of my own struggles!
I concur with others; you are BEAUTIFUL in that selfie! I’ve never taken a selfie of myself in my LIFE. I saw no desire or reason to; so just in that department you are way ahead of me!
I’m personally grateful for social media because I have a harder time talking to people verbally. So when I write, I can edit and erase my words; takes more time to do but a lot easier to ensure a better finished “product”! I often have to pause when I am speaking (or writing!) to try to find or remember a certain word or phrase I want to use.
Anything and everything you write to us still ministers beautifully to us. Age or whatever other circumstances / conditions befalling you have never minimized your precious impact on survivors of abuse. Whenever and however long you wish to continue to do so will always make a difference!
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Helovesme,
You wrote (27th September 2023):
That….although in the context of many other posts and comments on the ACFJ blog (as well as other places).
You wrote:
(The phrases “written communication”, “it’s one way of demonstrating my love for that person and / or the people I’m writing to”, and “the exact” were added by me.)
That. And one advantage of computers is I don’t need to keep wasting paper re-writing my words. 😊 I don’t like to send people hand-written communications with scribbled out words….which is another way of demonstrating my love for that person and / or the people I’m writing to….and by using a computer (and not hand-writing on paper), I also demonstrate my love for the environment. 😊 I do, however, miss sending hand-written cards. 😢
You wrote:
I love the way you wrote your comment, Helovesme….and, as with many of your comments, Helovesme, I’ve read and re-read your comment many times….your comments minister to me. 😊
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Thank you so very much for those kind words! There is NO doubt that I (and many others) feel the same way about you, and the others who have taken the time and trouble to share. Sometimes I think the greatest threat to the system of abuse is not JUST speaking out as individuals, but also sticking together as a community.
When we stick up for each other, speak out for each other, I think there is real Biblical power in that. And there is no doubt that this is part of fighting the good fight, as Paul spoke of. When victims / survivors learn to embrace just a bit of the freedom that we have in Him, it is no doubt a threat to the darkness that kept us imprisoned.
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Helovesme,
You wrote (1st October 2023):
That.
You wrote:
(The phrase “and non-Biblical” in brackets was added by me.)
That.
You wrote:
(Jesus’ name in brackets was added by me.)
That.
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