A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Darby Strickland is raising awareness about domestic abuse, but… (pt 2 of series on the Church Cares program)

Darby Strickland is helping awaken the church to abuse issues. She is one of the teachers in the free videos which are soon to come out from Church Cares – the SBC’s attempt to start educating the church about how to identify and respond to abuse.

In Part 1 of this series I praised the people of conscience in the SBC who are spearheading Church Cares, then I discussed the strengths and shortfalls of Chris Moles who is a member of the Church Cares teaching team.

Here in Part 2 I’ll be talking about Darby Strickland who is another member of the Church Cares teaching team. In later parts of this series I will talk about two other people who are on the teaching team: Leslie Vernick and Diane Langberg. Then I will published a Digest which will gives quick links to all my posts about churchcares.com.

If you plan on watching the Church Cares videos, you can read my series to get a second opinion about what may be taught there. You may or may not agree with my views, but reading my posts might stimulate your discernment and make you aware of things to watch out for.

Here is my view of the strengths of Darby Strickland, and a few things which I recommend she modify to be even more effective.

Darby Strickland

I think all the posts I’ve read at Darby Strickland’s blog are pretty good.

I applaud and honour Darby for trying to educate pastors and counselors with her 3-part series titled Sexual Abuse in Marriage. However, it worries me that when she mentioned rape her wording gave an unclear idea of what constitutes rape. Here is the passage in question –

Violation. The worst sexual violation is rape, but there are many types of violation. Among them are sexual acts performed while someone is sleeping or intoxicated, unwanted sexual touch, being forced to engage in an unwanted act to avoid another abuse, or a husband ignoring tears or other expressions of discomfort. Sadly, I have heard many stories of Christian women who were raped on their honeymoon. They were conditioned early on in their marriage to be compliant or be terrorized. Sexual Abuse in Marriage, Part 1

Darby’s woolly wording can give the impression that ‘real’ rape is less serious than the penetration of person who is sleeping or intoxicated. But rape is the act of penetration of any orifice without the consent of the one being penetrated. A sleeping or heavily intoxicated person cannot give proper consent. That is rape. No buts about it. As I’ve said before on this blog: Consent is the “Yes” you say when you are free to say “No”. You’re not free to say no if you are asleep or drugged. If someone penetrates you while you are not free to say “No,” you are being raped.

It also worries me that that when Darby explained to pastors and counselors why women might not realize they are being abused, she didn’t give a strong warning about the dangers and risks of couple counseling in domestic abuse. I believe Darby is aware of those dangers, but she didn’t not sufficiently spell them out to less-educated pastors and counselors.

Darby’s post Twelve Ways to Help Victims is excellent. I highly recommend it.

A few women have told me their abusive husbands were counselled by Darby and she did a great job laying it on the line firmly with the abusive husbands. But it worries me that Darby says abusers “lack insight” into the harm they are doing and she offers pity to an abuser by saying to him, “It’s hard for you, given that your wife is nagging… how can you serve her better?” (podcast where Darby said those things).

Whenever we are talking about abuse, the language we use is very important.

Look at the bottom row in that table. By going along with the abuser’s narrative that his wife is a nag, Darby failed to contest the blaming of the victim. An abuser could think to himself: Ha! Darby agrees that my wife is a nag! I’ll store that away and say it to my wife next time she brings up a grievance and I have to crush her and put her back in her place.

Don Hennessy says that the skilled male abuser knows what he is doing from day one and is wholly intentional about selecting, targeting, grooming and abusing the target-woman. He says domestic abusers are like pedophiles — and there’s not much proof they’re redeemable. Don has dealt with over 2000 abusive men. He’s probably more experienced in this field than most Christian counselors. I wonder whether Darby has read Don’s work.

It worries me that Darby seems to think the abuser is “oppressed” because the abuser is “enslaved to the desire to be served, instead of serving the Lord” (link). By saying this, she is giving the abuser leeway to play the pity card. The proper response to abusers is to be hard as flint and not give them any opportunity to push the pity card.

Darby is a staff member of CCEF. It worries me that three senior men at CCEF say the Christian victim of abuse “needs redemption” (link) – they imply that the abused Christian is not in the Kingdom of God. For all I know Darby may be privately challenging those men about this, but I’ve not seen anything from her in the public domain which suggests she is not comfortable with their line on that.

Some counselors have told me that Darby’s ‘Counseling Abusive Marriages’ course enhanced their skills as counselors. But click here, here and here to see why I’m worried that the course might be offering bread mixed with stones.

Until very recently the Chairman of the CCEF Board was Dave Harvey. Dave Harvey has a track record of having to resign from top positions because of his character deficiencies and family issues – Brent Detwiler has been tracking the problems with Dave Harvey (link). While I was drafting this post CCEF appointed a new chairman, but Dave Harvey is still a member of their board (proof). I appreciate that Darby Strickland may be doing a balancing act at CCEF; she is obviously more aware of the tactics of abusers than most of the rest of CCEF are. I only hope she is not compromising her values and violating her conscience.


The table in this post is based on the work of Allan Wade & Linda Coates, especially their article Language and Violence: Analysis of Four Discursive Operations – the link takes you to a pdf of that article which was originally published in the Journal of Family Violence (2007) 22:511-522.

Posts in this 5-part series

Part 1: Churchcares.com – the SBC’s plan to equip churches to respond to abuse (focuses on Chris Moles)

Part 2: Is this post

Part 3: Diane Langberg is advocating for abuse victims, but…

Part 4: Why I publish my concerns about various abuse advocates

Part 5: Leslie Vernick: various responses that domestic abuse victims have to her work.

Further reading

Ed Welch, from CCEF, has mistaken ideas about domestic abuse

As a pastor, what are the most important things for me to know about domestic abuse?

For professionals who work in Domestic Abuse – (Don Hennessy series part 8)

Don Hennessy Digest

Should biblical counselors put lots of energy into helping abusive men see their sins?


  1. BetrayedByMany

    Barbara, I agree with you about these red flags, and I see this as bringing more confusion to the body of Christ. The perpetrator will use ANY crumb or morsel as a weapon against his wife. Words are hugely important. I pray that Darby will have the Wisdom of God on this and make necessary corrections.

    Abuse is not a garden variety “marriage” problem with responsibility on both sides — it’s a SIN issue, and that has to be addressed FIRST. The problem with some psychology is that it has become a religion of its own, where people have turned to programs and counselors rather than the church, because our leaders failed to see or understand that, or know what to do. There’s been an evolving metamorphosis, inside and outside the church, where we’ve changed God’s words to make them more palatable (for the perpetrator!). Yet, one of the last warnings in the Bible in Revelation says not to add anything to it.

    One pastor of a 10,000 person church told a speaker not to use the word, “Sin.” They gave him a list of words he could use like “hang ups,” but just not “Sin.” God gave us His words that go forth with supernatural power to deliver people from sin. He’s already spoken them. Why should we keep trying to rename sin and “rescue” people from the very words He gave us — many confrontational ones — which might save them or bring about true repentance?

    What we have done is soften the blow by taking the fear of the Lord away.

    The Fear of the Lord is the BEGINNING of Wisdom….[Proverbs 9:10]

    You can’t even get saved without a healthy fear of a Holy God who has the power for you to be in Heaven or eternal damnation. I’ve been in churches for almost 60 years and I’ve never seen anyone brought before a congregation for church discipline, yet I know of dozens of adulterous situations among leaders. Why is that? What we’ve done is removed the fear of the Lord, but God had a purpose in it. The practice of church discipline is not spiteful or vindictive, it’s the most LOVING thing you can do! It is in hopes that the person will be RESTORED for eternity! But the critical part “of admonishing before all,” is to preserve authenticity of anyone who calls himself a Christian, and not let that name be defiled. It’s been pretty defiled! This is why He said:

    A little leaven will infect the whole lump. [Paraphrase Galatians 5:9, 1 Corinthians 5:6]

    We should be sober-minded about changing God’s words when He has already spoken.

    • Helovesme

      BetrayedByMany, that was a wonderful analysis.

      When I became a believer, the Christians around me (and leadership) had very little understanding about abuse, trauma and abusers in general. Bear with me—-I’m not trying to make excuses for them. But they were not trained professionals in these areas.

      The best they could do is offer whatever “pop psychology” they’ve picked up along the way.

      It’s unfair to expect the church to be able to counsel people in areas that they have very little understanding about. And while the Bible is the most precious guide we have in this life, it is not a means to diagnose and treat such complicated matters.

      And while abuse is pretty straightforward (it is a SIN), how abuse works is often multi-faceted and takes incredible discernment to see it for what it really is. Even those who were the victims of abuse might not understand what was done to them for a long time.

      The grooming process of abusers to this day takes me aback. When young victims and their parents come out with their stories—-I’m blown away by how the abuser won their trust and then exploited it so horrendously. These abusers are often in leadership, highly respected, and have plenty of allies to back up their supposed “Christ-like” characteristics.

      When I read their stories, I find myself getting a real and honest glimpse into how they were deceived. If I put aside the fact that I know how the story ends (the abuse is exposed), I too am “deceived” right along with them. I can see how their trust was earned; how this abuser hid their predatory motives so well. They were perceived as kind, generous, caring and trustworthy—-because they were so good at acting as though that is truly what they were like!

      • Seeing Clearly

        It’s unfair to expect the church….

        This is a difficult statement for me. I, for decades, have watched the church keep itself in the dark. There have been volumes of instruction available. I have been educating myself for 25+ years with the same that has been available to all individuals.

        The authoritarian, know-it-all approach by the church has nearly destroyed the lives of those of us being abused. If only church authorities had dropped their pride and shut their mouths (as they remained in ignorance by their own choices).

        Decades of my life were negatively affected. It is not unfair for the church / leaders. It is unfair for victims who remained in the churches.

        I trusted church leaders, they kept me in bondage because I wanted to be obedient to the “authority” of the church. No more. They were proud to be ignorant Bible teachers.

      • Helovesme

        Seeing Clearly, I apologize for my comment in the way I phrased it. And I am sorry for what you have been through.

        I did not mean to imply AT ALL that it was any less unfair to the victims who trusted those that claimed to be knowledgeable (but were absolutely not). In the future I’ll try to be more conscious and be more clarifying.

        I was speaking to my own experiences in becoming a believer. I was coming out of a very dark childhood as well when the Lord found me.

        It’s hard to recall my exact thinking process from so long ago, but I think I foolishly assumed that church leaders were far more experienced or knowledgeable as to how to handle very sensitive, delicate issues like abuse and the trauma that ensues from it.

        I didn’t think it was fair of me to accuse them of my misplaced trust. That is what I meant by not wanting to be “unfair” towards them. I honestly do not believe they touted themselves as experts in these areas. I (now) believe I thought they would know how to help me or handle my situation—-and I was wrong.

        Now, if they chose to exploit that misplaced trust—-now your comment begins to apply to me as well as yourself. But I am still not sure how it all fits together for me.

        I absolutely do not use the excuses like “they meant well” for my situation. Or, they were “inexperienced” or “didn’t know any better.” Those may all be true in their case, but that simply does not matter. They should not have waded into areas in which they were wholly ignorant and sorely lacking in understanding. You cannot “wing it” when it comes to dealing with the weak, wounded, and the scars that run so deep! And I think that is what occurred.

        Pride has a way of assuring you that you know what you are doing, which you absolutely do NOT. And then the results are disastrous.

        If only church authorities had dropped their pride and shut their mouths (as they remained in ignorance by their own choices).

        THAT is key, right there. I have also been guilty of this. I have spoken up when I dang well wish I had kept my mouth shut. Being abused doesn’t make me an authority on well, frankly—-anything. I have spent time praying and repenting because I was foolish, prideful, and very sincere (key elements for a recipe for disaster)— I thought I was in the right, but I was very much in the wrong.

        I trusted church leaders, they kept me in bondage because I wanted to be obedient to the “authority” of the church. No more. They were proud to be ignorant Bible teachers.

        Right on with the “no more” attitude. And I too know what you speak of when it comes to being in bondage because I so badly wanted to be pleasing. It too warped and twisted me up for years.

        That last statement, however, gave me quite the chills. To be “proud to be ignorant” is about as low as you can go. I try to admit I have a lot (times a million!) to learn (which is the antidote to ignorance; being willing to grow and mature). But to be so full of oneself as to revel and delight in ignorance is evil beyond belief.

        And to believe this way and masquerade as a “Bible teacher” is again—sickening and scary and shocking beyond words.

        Please keep doing what you are doing—-educating yourself and sharing whatever you have learned. Those “churches” that insist on remaining in the dark can have it that way if they choose to, but we are not obligated to be pulled down with them.

        And thank you for your wise words and response!

  2. Finding Answers

    In response to the original post – ^That.

    I would add a comment on the podcast with Darby Strickland and Chris Moles, though I admit I listened to the podcast only one time. I found it difficult to ascertain when they were referring to the abuser or the abused. The words “oppressed”, “oppressor”, and “sufferer” were used throughout the discussion, without clear identification.

    And NOWHERE – unless I missed it (?) – is reference made to victims experiencing domestic abuse / violence from their ministry (pastors, etc.) spouse. Reading through the ACFJ blog provides a substantial amount of evidence indicating the Church Cares program needs to take this into consideration.

    From the original post:

    Darby Strickland is helping awaken the church to abuse issues….

    Perhaps the awakening needs to include a more explicit statement regarding abusers in ministry.

    • Seeing Clearly

      abusers in ministry

      I wholeheartedly agree. It would appear that SBC is holding tight reign for leadership protection. Abuse will not stop in the SBC until leadership is reduced to dung and shoveled out to pasture.

  3. Seeing Clearly

    There was once a rabbi who, overcome with a sense of humility before God’s magnificent creation, threw himself before the altar of the temple and cried, “I am nobody! I am nobody!” The cantor, observing the rabbi from the rear of the synagogue, was moved by the rabbi’s humility and devotion. He, too, joined the rabbi at the altar, crying, “I am nobody! I am nobody!” Then the janitor, sweeping the floors in the hall, heard the cries of the two religious men and, similarly moved by their devotion, also joined them at the altar crying out, “I am nobody! I am nobody!” At which point the cantor turned to the rabbi and, indicating the janitor, remarked, “Look who thinks he’s nobody.”

    —Wayne Muller, as told in [his book] Sabbath

    I can’t speak for Wayne Muller’s interpretation. For me, it speaks to the cantor observing carnal, habitual words of the rabbi. The cantor tried to emulate false confession and false humility. The servant janitor, a nobody, humbly cried out to God, easily from a servant’s heart.

    Unfortunately, he perhaps naively, assumed genuineness in the religious men, the robed actors.

    • I like that story!

    • Helovesme

      Seeing Clearly, that is very interesting, what you shared.

      Here is something that has been on my mind:

      Imagine a Sunday School teacher who is kind, generous, welcoming and warm to everyone. He or she is passionate about what they do. Planning and preparing every week to teach the Word—–and they are patient and skilled at what they do.

      Such persons are respected and reputable. The parents trust them to teach their kids, and are grateful that persons like them exist. Nothing is more precious to them than their own kids! And nothing is more precious to them than knowing their kids are learning about the Word at such young ages.

      It would be easy to assume that this teacher is a born again Christian, right? He or she is so sincere about what they do, and faithful to boot! How can anyone dispute that?

      Swap out the venue to a secular school, swap out teaching the Word for subjects like history and math, and swap out that teacher for my 5th grade teacher—-and what I just described applies to my teacher as much as that Sunday School teacher.

      More than likely we will not easily assume that my former school teacher is a born again Christian. We admire and respect her and are grateful that such teachers exist. But because this is not a church setting, we would probably balk at labeling her as a believer.

      Mouthing the right words does not make you a believer. Even having superior knowledge of the Word doesn’t cut it, or knowing how to teach it. Scholars might study the Word of God and know it backwards and forwards, but that doesn’t mean that they are born again.

      By the way, I understand that secular teachers get paid, and Sunday School teachers do not. But to me, that is not relevant because teaching in general does not pay as well as it should—-and I don’t believe there is any amount of money that can convince a teacher to be passionate and caring for students.

  4. Artina

    I have a lot to learn as I try to be open to God renewing my mind. I am encouraged here and have learned to be more discerning than I have been at prior times. I’m at a less stressful stage of my journey, but reading here and TWW is confirming and enlightening. At one point in my journey, I actually pictured myself as the canary in the coal mine. This was in relation to a local church community undergoing an intentional big change step they were taking (not the color choice of the carpet, as was the minimization “teaching example” that I’ve heard often). At that church, I also heard from a Sunday school teacher, who was looked up to as an “intellectual”, refer to Abigail as punished for defying her husband. During this time I read a recommended book (won’t say the author) that, I’m pretty sure used the same false example of a wife’s non-believing abuser changing for the better if she would just stick with her demonstration of faith in God and endurance of the abuse that Paige Patterson was known to use. More light was shone this past year, on the practice of using that particular example and the lie that that example is.

    From the gleanings I’ve made from counseling and local organized church culture, there is not much of an interest in hearing from a canary for the purpose of responding and making changes that would help abuse victims. Their priorities are different than that, one being to keep holding their concept of marriage as an idolatrous priority. And I say “their concept” because I don’t think what they teach about marriage is what Jesus and Paul taught.

    My hope for myself and my children and close friends does not fall in line with their different priorities and I won’t go backward and lose the self-respect that I’ve gained just to fit in. I’ve grown in how to navigate the “not fitting in well” piece and am more open to the advantages. Once I was told, “I’d like to keep you so busy that you can’t think.” Now, I’m not interested in “belonging” to places where pulpit teaching is “we need all hands on deck”, while the church’s unspoken culture is women in domestic, child care and nurturing areas and men in delegating and “telling it like it is” (controlling the narrative) areas.

    • There is not much of an interest in hearing from a canary for the purpose of responding and making changes that would help abuse victims.

      Often I feel like the canary in the coal mine, especially when it comes to other abuse advocates. They seldom share or like my material; I think they disapprove of me for criticising other advocates. But advocates’ responses to abuse are not monolithic — not all the same. Neither are victims’ responses to abuse monolithic. We are all individuals. Each with different experiences, and each with our own viewpoints.

  5. Artina

    I would also add that consent is NOT consent unless it is informed consent.

  6. Helovesme

    Barb, once again thank you for putting this out there for us to read and dissect. Also for enduring and staying strong in Him as you deal with so many ups and downs (responses, detractors, etc. as you spoke about). Praying for you and will continue to do so.

    Darby’s woolly wording can give the impression that ‘real’ rape is less serious than the penetration of person who is sleeping or intoxicated.

    I’m in full agreement with you there. I too think she needs to better communicate and convey the points you made. When I first read her statement, I thought she was being only slightly ambiguous in her descriptions. At first, I thought she did a “good enough” job.

    But then I reminded myself that when it comes to something as serious as sexual sins—-leave no room for misinterpretation or even misunderstanding. NONE. Leave NO wiggle room for a practiced abuser (or their allies) to insert a false narrative.

    When I was growing up (and I wasn’t a Christian yet), the media industry was pretty much my only insight into sexual relations. Pause and absorb how that can really mess with the mind!

    And it did. So I saw movies where one or both persons were intoxicated, engaged in sexual activity, and one or both persons (depending on who was intoxicated and how much they’d been drinking) didn’t remember it the next day.

    It was never even implied that anything criminal had occurred. Even though there was no “informed consent,” never did the characters indicate that anything bad had happened. The attitude was: these things happen and no one is to blame. There was possible regret on one or both person’s parts, but it was implicitly understood that alcohol had impaired their sober-minded judgement.

    The exception might be if the drink was “spiked” in order to commit an assault on an inebriated person. That would have meant that the intention was to prey on their victim.

    Again in the media world, drinking might be encouraged to help “loosen up” one or more of the parties. Not necessarily intoxicated, but still—it was implied that consent was easier to achieve if the one or both parties chose to have a glass of wine or two.

    Even applicable to fictional married couples. And sex with your partner (if you were married) while they were asleep wasn’t necessarily seen as a violation. Even as a younger woman and a believer—that just didn’t sit right with me.

    Now, I know that these are all narratives from the unsaved world. So they might be easy to dismiss, and then we tell ourselves that they function within the kingdom of darkness. And this is true.

    But here is the kicker. As a believer, I recall trying to remind myself that Christian men were born again, new creations in Him—-but they were still men. They were different from the men of the world, obviously—-but how were they different from them, and how were they not so different from them?

    If that makes sense (this is difficult to communicate effectively). How far their male gender determined their character and subsequent behaviors, and whatever was supposedly “built into” them as males (that did not change when they became born again)—-was very difficult to navigate. And frankly, the church wasn’t much help.

    My impression of the male gender before AND after becoming a Christian was very confusing, and still is. I still sense a great deal of confusion and mixed messages being given from the church in the areas of intimacy. Where the lines should be firmly drawn, and 100% clear and direct wrongs and rights.

    Barb did this very well in her paragraph underneath Darby’s unclear statement. What she said should be common knowledge, IMO. But that does not seem to be the case.

    Is it because we are still too much under the influence of the world’s system, or something else entirely?

    The beauty about being believers is that we hopefully understand how holy and sacred sexual intercourse is, and how it should be treated with the utmost respect, discretion and honor.

    But my goodness—if what Barb spoke of so clearly isn’t common, acceptable and irrefutable within the church:

    You’re not free to say no if you are asleep or drugged. If someone penetrates you while you are not free to say “No,” you are being raped.

    —something is terribly, awfully wrong!

    Why are we so hesitant to tell it straight, and tell it as it is—-as Barb just did?

    I think it is partially because as believers, we still have terribly misguided notions of what it means to be a male and female believer. We have taken parts of how the world defines both genders, combined with certain aspects from the Word (while ignoring other key aspects) and are coming up with weird, twisted hybrid notions that are evil and wrong. And extremely damaging. And blasphemous, frankly.

    I am an American, and our last presidential election was extremely ugly because allegations of forced, unwanted acts upon women came up. But it provoked excellent reporting and information sharing—-and now I beg everyone and anyone to PLEASE understand what “informed consent” is and what it isn’t. I can tell you that that was honestly my first real introduction into that incredibly important, but often neglected—-topic of conversation. And I was very appreciative to those who took the time and trouble to really get the message out.

    America is NOT as progressive as we claim to be. Neither is the church. In both realms, it is still extremely common to vilify the victim, or to find some or any way to blame anyone BUT the attacker. And using the alias “we are married” is a despicable alibi to try to use.

    Oprah Winfrey recently interviewed two grown men who claimed to have been sexually abused as young boys. She reiterated that sexual abuse could also be described as “sexual seduction,” because the common interpretation of rape is that it is forced. And that simply is not true. The grooming process is so carefully crafted and carried out that nothing is forced, but it IS abuse. Nothing changes that.

    I am not trying to tout Ms. Winfrey as a believer, or an authority on the Bible. Just agreeing with her words and grateful that she reminded her audience of that.

  7. Joy

    Thank you for this. The emphasis on reforming abusers disturbs me. That should barely be part of the topic ’til these uneducated leaders get believing and safety for victims right first.

    My abuser told me once, with a self-satisfied smirk, that he intentionally (the day before) ranted 3 hours using false accusations, physically making me look him in the eyes the whole time and mocking my tears until I squished under the bed – the farthest away I could get from him since he locked me in. That he was waiting for that point where I could barely breathe from sobbing so hard then pulled me out and raped me. Most abusers are intentional and sadistic, not “oppressed”!

    I’m glad you’re publishing your insights.

    [Screen name changed to Joy for safety and protection. Editors.]

    • Helovesme

      Joy, oh dear your story made me feel sick to my stomach. I am beyond sorry that you experienced something so hideous. Thank you for sharing it.

      Thank you for reiterating something so vital, yet many have such a hard time swallowing. Abusers rarely change, and they know exactly what they are doing.

      Truth is often hard to swallow—it can be like medicine that doesn’t taste very good. But swallow it we must, because it will set us free from whatever is making us sick.

      Bear with me—sometimes I still fight the urge to feel sorry for my abuser, and others who have hurt me after him. I can see how others might see my abuser as oppressed, or he had been victimized in his past, and is simply a slave to his sinful nature and “needs Jesus.” He can’t help himself, because he doesn’t know any better, or any different.

      If you struggle in that way now and then, fight that urge. It’s not the truth. And whatever is not the truth is not from the Lord, period.

    • The emphasis on reforming abusers should barely be part of the topic ’til uneducated leaders get believing and safety for victims right first.

      You nailed it, Joy!

      Reaching Out can you please add this to our Gems? Thanks. 🙂

      • Reaching Out

        The quote has been added to the GEMS page.

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