As a pastor, what are the most important things for me to know about domestic abuse?
Domestic Violence and Abuse — sermons by Ps Jeff Crippen
Wise as Serpents — sermons by Ps Jeff Crippen — how we must be wise to evil and the ways of evildoers.
Letter from a Pastor to Pastors by Ps Jeff Crippen
Has the victim been choked or strangled?
Professionals, the public and victims are misinformed about strangulation. Most victims of strangulation will not have visible external injuries. DO ask the victim if her partner has choked or strangled her. She may not tell you unless you ask.
Fatal strangulation can occur without any external evidence of violence on the human body. The victim may die hours, days or months after the strangulation event. Non-fatal strangulation can have serious and long-term health consequences including brain damage. An MRI can detect internal injuries. Encourage the victim who has been strangled to obtain an MRI. A woman who survives one strangulation even is 700% more likely to be strangled again and 800% more likely to be killed later.
This info comes from Strangulation: Detection & Investigation by Brian Bennett, South Carolina Criminal Justice Academy.
If a woman discloses that her husband is mistreating her in any way…
Even if what she reports to you sounds to you like it is “not all that bad,” please don’t discount what she’s told you.
- Speak kindly to her.
- Don’t lecture her.
- Don’t launch into ‘teaching’ her.
- Don’t assume you know what she needs to be told.
Ask her if she is willing to give you more detail about what her husband is doing. “Can you tell me more about that?”
Tell her you will not speak to him about any of it, unless she gives you her explicit permission. And even if she does give you permission to talk to her husband about it, it may not be safe for you to do so unless she is completely safe from his possible retaliation. The both of you may need to learn about safety planning first.
The most important things to say to victims
- It’s not your fault. You are not to blame.
- Your safety is important. How can I help you be safe from oppression and mistreatment?
What not to do
- Don’t make the mistake of ‘sin-leveling’. Not all sins are equally bad.
- Don’t make the mistake of mutualising the blame or suggesting that the victim is ‘partly to blame’ or that she needs to fix some things in herself.
- Don’t suggest couple counseling. Why couple counseling is not recommended
- Don’t use the cliche “God hates divorce”. Why?
- Real life examples of pastoral advice to victims of domestic abuse (what NOT to say to victims of abuse)
- You Weren’t There — a letter to pastors from a survivor of domestic abuse (will give you insight into how pastors have mistreated victims)
Yes, we know that men are sometimes victims of domestic abuse, see our tag for male survivors. But unfortunately for the men who have genuinely suffered domestic abuse, many male abusers portray themselves as victims. Some of the links below will give you tips for sorting out genuine victims from those who are faking victimhood.
If a man says he is in shock because his wife just left him, it is possible he is an abuser. If the man says “I’m in shock because my wife just said the marriage is over.”, the statement is not enough to indicate he is an abuser. In conjunction with other indicators, it might suggest that the man is an abuser.
If a man says “I’m in shock because my wife just said the marriage is finished.”, it is possible that the wife had been committing adultery and had been very carefully concealing it from him. But if the wife had been cheating, clear evidence or admission of that is not likely to come out until after the separation.
And bear in mind that in some cases of adultery, the non-adulterous spouse may in fact have been an abuser, and the adulterous spouse (the abuse victim) has responded sinfully by having an affair. In that scenario, the adulterous spouse, if truly a believer, will eventually confess the adultery as a sin. And it was not primarily the adultery that caused the marriage breakdown, it was the abuse.
An abused wife will have been asking her husband to stop mistreating her for a very long time…. to no avail. If a deserted husband claims he had no idea the marriage was on the rocks, he may be lying and trying to gain your sympathy by playing the pity card.
Most pastors have not been adequately trained in domestic abuse
…so if you’ve made mistakes in the past, you are not alone!
Exposing Evil—and the fear of doing so
Don’t be fooled by false repentance