A Typical Line by an Abuser — “I Just Don’t Know Why She Left Me”
Recently we have been watching the reality series “Life Below Zero.” One of the couples featured in the episodes is a clear example of an abuser and victim — Andy (abuser) and Kate (victim). If you want to see an abuser in action, just tune in and watch. Kate was in denial in earlier episodes but long about season three she left after coming to see the abuse for what it was. And Andy? Well, he doesn’t know for sure. Sometimes in life you know people just move on and we go our different ways. He sure wishes her the best. Yeah, right.
Seeing him in action reminded me of abusers I have had to deal with over the years in the church. And more than once I have been the target of this very same kind of line — “I don’t know why, but suddenly Jeff just left and ended our friendship. We are at a loss to know why.” Yeah, right.
In every single one of these cases myself and others confronted the abuse, specifically identified it to the guilty party, and told them their continuance in sin and unrepentance were the reasons we could no longer have a relationship. Oh of course they denied any wrongdoing at all, but they went on to tell people that they just had no idea why we had treated them “so shoddily.”
It is crucial for all of us to be wise to this very common deception. Just take a step back and think about it. It makes no sense at all. An abuser’s victim separates from him after years and years of abuse in most cases. And he would have us believe that he has absolutely no inkling as to why she left? That is an obvious lie and we need to reject it right at the get go. I mean, come on.
Let me give you a biblical example of this kind of thing:
A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the LORD of hosts to you, O priests, who despise my name. But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’ By offering polluted food upon my altar. But you say, ‘How have we polluted you?’ By saying that the LORD’s table may be despised. When you offer blind animals in sacrifice, is that not evil? And when you offer those that are lame or sick, is that not evil? Present that to your governor; will he accept you or show you favor? says the LORD of hosts. (Malachi 1:6-8)
And again —
And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. (Malachi 2:13-14)
See it? In both cases these guys were trying to pull this “gee, I just don’t know why the Lord isn’t blessing us” business and they were trying to put it over on God! Talk about stupid. They knew full well they were sinning left and right, breaking His law daily and then when He chastised them they were like, “What? How have we polluted you? How come you aren’t accepting our offerings?” This is out and out deception.
So don’t buy it the next time you hear it. Abusers know. They know full well why their victim left and the blood is on the abuser’s hands.