Wisdom in Dealing With an Abuser — Realize Everything he Says or Does is Evil
Frequently abuse victims will send me correspondence from their abuser and ask what I think of what the abuser said. My answer is always the same because the words are always the same. “This is evil. Every word, every phrase, every nuance is loaded with accusation, minimization, deception, threat, self-pity, and more.” And this is something that we all have difficulty understanding, yet it is vital that we must if we are going to get free and not keep getting victimized.
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. (Matthew 15:18-19)
You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)
Abusers are wicked and evil. From their heart. Their very psychological and spiritual DNA is that of their father the devil, as Jesus said above. Because their heart is completely corrupt, everything that comes out of their mouth is corrupt. And this is what we always see in these communiques from abusers. They do not have to sit down and think and plan long and hard, selecting their words with great care and cunning. No. The diabolic vocabulary is their language, their currency, and it comes to them as naturally as walking.
This does not excuse them in any way. In fact, it increases their guilt. They are culpable. Their intent and motivation behind the words is wicked. They are what the Bible calls ‘revilers.’ They ‘villify’ over and over again, accusing their target of being the ‘villain.’ Revilers end in hell. The Bible says so. They are murderers and they use their tongue to kill.
Jude 4, 10-19 (NASB)
For certain persons have crept in unnoticed, those who were long beforehand marked out for this condemnation, ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.
… these men revile the things which they do not understand; and the things which they know by instinct, like unreasoning animals, by these things they are destroyed. Woe to them! For they have gone the way of Cain, and for pay they have rushed headlong into the error of Balaam, and perished in the rebellion of Korah. These are the men who are hidden reefs in your love feasts when they feast with you without fear, caring for themselves; clouds without water, carried along by winds; autumn trees without fruit, doubly dead, uprooted; wild waves of the sea, casting up their own shame like foam; wandering stars, for whom the black darkness has been reserved forever.
It was also about these men that Enoch, in the seventh generation from Adam, prophesied, saying, “Behold, the Lord came with many thousands of His holy ones, to execute judgment upon all, and to convict all the ungodly of all their ungodly deeds which they have done in an ungodly way, and of all the harsh things which ungodly sinners have spoken against Him.” These are grumblers, finding fault, following after their own lusts; they speak arrogantly, flattering people for the sake of gaining an advantage.
But you, beloved, ought to remember the words that were spoken beforehand by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ, that they were saying to you, “In the last time there will be mockers, following after their own ungodly lusts.” These are the ones who cause divisions, worldly-minded, devoid of the Spirit.
I was talking to a federal penitentiary prison guard recently and I told him, “you know how to tell when one of the inmates is lying, right?” He immediately answered correctly, “whenever their mouth is open.” That is how it is with the sociopath, the narcissist, the abuser. When he is speaking, he is abusing and reviling. When he buys flowers and chocolates, he is abusing and reviling.
One time a wicked man who had finally been confronted told his long time victim, “but we did have a lot of good times over the years, didn’t we?” The answer to that manipulative question is of course, “No. We never had even one good moment together because even the apparent nice things you did were part of the cycle of your abuse that you were using to set me up for your next attack.”
So mark this down carefully and you will grow much wiser in dealing with the wicked. How do you know when an abuser is abusing? If his mouth is open, if he is thinking, if he is doing — he is abusing. Because abusers are what they are as surely as a leopard is a leopard.