A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

A Grand Deception: The Successful Response Of Sex Offenders (by Boz Tchividjian)

A Grand Deception: The Successful Response Of Sex Offenders

Normally we don’t post on Tuesdays, but this article by Boz Tchividjian is so superb — and has so many parallels to how perpetrators of domestic abuse manipulate the impressions of bystanders — that we need to let our readers know about it.

Men with long noses

Thanks Boz. This article deserves a standing ovation!

Boz works at G.R.A.C.E. — Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment


Tuesdays? — I mean USA time. This post will be published on Wednesday in my part of the world, Australia.



  1. Brenda R

    I am sending copies of this to family members who use these tactics to excuse men / teens who have sexually abused girls in the family. They make excuses and we are the bad guys because we just don’t “move on”, forgive and “forget”. FORGET……are they insane? If they lived anywhere near my new granddaughter I’d be sitting outside her crib with a rifle. Fortunately they live 1k miles away from her. The rest of us would now be able to defend ourselves and pepper spray always works.

    My oldest daughter is looked at like the bad guy for not having anything to do with my brother. My mother says it was consensual. She would have been 4 and him 13. Consensual…..are you kidding me. My stepfather went to his just reward several years ago. I have nothing to do with my brother!!! He claims to have found Christ and had some form of Revelation. Revelation of what I have no idea. I assume he is making sure that my mother leaves him whatever she has left when she is gone.

    This stuff is really triggering. As far as I am concerned, 25 years is not nearly long enough for this creep. Eternity is coming.

  2. kim

    I’m ready to put this all behind me and to continue reaching for my dreams of filmmaking and in music.

    The above quote from a sexual predator (what else should we call him!) is especially infuriating because HE is ready to move on- he displays no empathy whatsoever for his victims, who may be so traumatized that it may be years, or maybe forever, before they can “move on”. Once again, it is all about the perpetrator! I am glad for the “unforgiving”, “unChristian” prosecutor who reminded the judge about the perpetrator’s minimization and lies about the abuse. Fortunately for the victims, the prosecutors see this type of lying and denial all the time, and usually have little patience with it!

    • Lea

      The above quote from a sexual predator (what else should we call him!) is especially infuriating because HE is ready to move on

      And why shouldn’t be he be ready to move on – NOBODY did anything to him!

      As far as I’m concerned, anybody who says that immediately goes to the ‘highest punishment available’ because they’re not even smart enough or have enough empathy in themselves to pretend to be sorry.

    • MarkQ

      Exactly. HE’S ready to move on. His victim cannot. I don’t know why that would ever work. Perpetrators of course are ready to move on, because they got the benefit they wanted from the crime and want to move on without the consequences. The victims want to move on, too. They want to be satisfied that the person who wronged them receives a just punishment for the violence they went through. Even then, they will live with scars, caused by the criminal, for the rest of their lives.

      The desire for justice might take different forms. I would be satisfied with confession and repentance from those who wronged me, and the church that taught and enabled them. I know in my heart I will never receive that on earth. The more severe the crime, the more society has a responsibility to seek justice and to punish severely. To help the victim seek closure, and to help the victim and society heal. When this does not happen, and especially when the criminal portrays himself as the victim, our wounds are torn apart.

      My wrongs were minor, but it hurt deeply when I shared my story in the church and got blame instead of comfort and assurance. I can’t imagine how heart wrenching it is for those who have been hurt to the core of their being, only to have the church stab them in the heart again. In the same way, injustice at the hands of a corrupt system stabs at the heart of the victim.

      • Lea

        The more severe the crime, the more society has a responsibility to seek justice and to punish severely. To help the victim seek closure, and to help the victim and society heal.

        Not only that, Society has a responsibility to put people like this away because they will do it again and need to be kept away from the public.

  3. Dale Ingraham @ Speaking Truth In Love Ministries
  4. Anonymous

    I remember when my daughter realized that child molesters didn’t receive the death penalty for their crimes. She was so MAD and so sickened by this. That these abusers were able to destroy children’s lives, and then in some cases, they were only given probation. We know that some who have molested their own children sometimes even get full custody of the children they’ve abused. Several times there have been sex rings that have been uncovered where parents–both the mom and the dad–shared their children sexually with other people and that some of these parents were doctors, lawyers or people of high standing in the community. And guess what? This is going on right now while I’m writing this and because so many of us were trained to give everybody the benefit of the doubt and to forgive everything, we become a part of the problem.

    Look how “educated” everyone is today. Instant access to information online, psychology education that is supposed to make us better more compassionate people which will supposedly and ultimately lead to peace for the entire world, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And one more blah.

    It’s the same old song and dance my friend. The same old evil tune that Satan sang in the garden of Eden. The same old lie that all people the same and that if we don’t forgive evil people even though they haven’t changed and are unrepentant, we won’t be forgiven. Lies.
    I’m just grateful that in this case the perpetrator went to prison and (I’m guessing) will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

    But sadly, he probably receives many visitors from this church community pretending they are “doing God’s work” by visiting an abuser in prison. I wonder how many of them are ensuring the victims are getting good, quality counseling and taking extra measures to ensure another pedophile doesn’t get in the door. Oh wait, they don’t care about THAT they just love the chance to prance around acting like they are MORE forgiving than the families who are devastated by sexual abuse. Yep. Sounds about right.

    • Hi Anonymous, we are holding a comment of yours in moderation because we are concerned that it might be too identifying of you and your daughter. Can you please email TWBTC to discuss this? You submitted the comment in reply to MovingForward, on the Why Didn’t You Leave post.

      The comment gave a lot of detail about your daughter’s schooling, your son’s condition, your housing problems, and your husband’s scheming.

  5. Finding Answers


    In hindsight, I see I enacted some of the grand deception on myself….

    (Possible Trigger Warning) Of the siblings who sexually abused me as a child, one sexually abused me a single time. And in completing the sentence, I almost enacted the grand deception. I had to change “only once” to a “single time”. A subtle, but telling, difference.

    I am grateful for the validation I received that a single time can create much damage.

    (Possible Trigger Warning) I would refer to the single time as half-a-sibling abuse, because I thought harm was in direct proportion to frequency and / or severity.

    I am grateful to the ACFJ community for the courage to tell their stories, for opening the eyes of people like me.

    (Possible Trigger Warning) When I first brought up sibling sexual abuse with a counsellor, I mentioned it as “Oh, and some incest.” In completing the sentence, I realize the topic was never referred to again by the counsellor. I wasn’t the only one doing the minimizing.

    Years later, when I took it to God, I took full responsibility for my “participation”…and theirs…as if it had been consensual. At that age????? NOT!

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