A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

My abuser’s evil plan was to give me the “scorched earth policy”. But with planning, strategy and God’s help, I outsmarted him.

[September 23, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]

This account is by Standsfortruth. It is adapted from a comment she wrote on our post The Abuser as Kidnapper and Slave Master. See her original comment here. We thank her very much for allowing us to publish it as a stand-alone post.


This is a short story of how my abuser’s grip was pried off of me with God’s help….

It took planning and strategy in order to outsmart my abuser, and once I realized all the evil that he had been done to me and my family, I started making changes. I set firm boundaries in place inside the marital home, boundaries that my abuser could not compromise, like creating my own secure bedroom with a dead bolt locking key so he could not enter at his free will and I kept this room locked with the keys on me at all times. He hated this, of course. I also had to put window locks on my bedroom windows, after catching my abuser trying to climb through, to get into my room, once when he thought I left. My friend helped by donating a mini-fridge and microwave and I had a TV in there too. It was a decent set up that gave me some sense of control and composure.

After a few months of that, my abuser began asking me to “just leave the marital home.” And he continued to try to get me to move out and go somewhere else. But I refused.

Finally, out of anger and frustration from my effective boundaries, he filed for divorce. (Thank you, Lord.)

But even then I did not want to leave because the house was still half mine, there was reasonable equity in it and once it sold it could provide some money that could help me re-adjust. I also didn’t want to leave everything behind just for him to plunder and then have to reinvent myself all over again. So I decided to create a stand-off right in the home. [Emphasis added.]

I secured a vehicle in my name, and kept it locked 24 / 7, and then I got a job so that I had my own income and my own private checking account. I also had my vehicle door locks changed, so that my abuser could not access it, and learned to never put my keys down where he could access them. This way he could not tamper with the engine or place a listening device in the vehicle to hear any of my conversations. I also got a locking gas cap to discourage any tampering with my gas.

And I always kept my keys fastened to my belt so that he would never have an opportunity to take them or make copies.

I got my own separate cell phone account so he could no longer monitor my phone calls. I also changed my mailing address to a PO box, and notified all of my creditors of my new mailing address and also made sure my bank account used the PO box only.

But the last thing my abuser wanted was for our house to sell because that would give me money, and heaven forbid I receive more independence from him. So he quit paying the house mortgage for several months (to also ruin my credit). So we were now getting foreclosure notices in the mail.

I was up against my abuser’s evil plan which was to give me the “scorched earth policy” — with him hoping in the end I would be so destitute and desperate that I would come crawling back to him. They just don’t ever get it do they?

But God had a different plan.

I covered my bases throughout the divorce process and gathered and collected papers and information that defended my position against any possible lies he might try to accuse me of. I even collected incriminating information about him, saving and securing everything that might help my case in the event of a trial.

To make a long story short regarding the house, during the divorce I requested for several realtors after they had viewed our house to send me a letter stating that I was willing to sign their contract, while my husband for one reason or another was not. This created pressure on him from the lawyers now knowing about the foreclosure threat that had been looming. So my abuser reluctantly had to sign the realtor’s contract. Finally the green light was on to get the house ready to sell!

Then God gave me Elijah-type energy to fix up the property and house one project at a time. I was working on the house and property before and after working my daily job, racing to get it sold before it foreclosed. During that time God sustained my energy in an amazing way that I can’t even explain, and I am no spring chicken. Miraculously it sold 17 days later.

I guess that I am sharing this to encourage other readers that if you should decide to help yourselves towards freedom, just remember that even though it may not be easy, God will be there for you to help you get through it.

[September 23, 2022: Editors’ notes:

—For some comments made prior to September 23, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to September 23, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to September 23, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (September 23, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]



  1. But He Didn't Hit Me

    This reminds me so much of my story. I had set up a little sanctuary in my bedroom and locked him out. The morning he broke in, after he went to work I filed a police report on the incident along with some other abuses. Oh how he hated that police report. He ran right down and got himself a copy of it. But he didn’t break in the room anymore after that. They hate boundaries. My ex ran us into foreclosure but the Lord had other plans. The house is ready to go on market now and I will soon have half my equity. This story is very close to mine. Praise God – He WILL help you leave if you take the steps to do so. It is like He moves heaven and earth and parts the Red Sea for you to leave. If He did it for me, He’ll do it for you. Be encouraged my sisters!! And I pray for you for courage to leave if you are reading this and still with your abuser.

    I know it is not easy. And [it] can be very dangerous. God will only allow what He allows. He is able. In all things. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think, according to the power that works within us!

    • standsfortruth

      This is exellent, But He Didn’t Hit Me.
      I just want you to know that my abuser stalled and avoided all opportunities to sign multiple realtors contracts, for months even after we got our first foreclosure notice. This after he filed for divorce in the beginning of last year…. So we missed the “ideal” time of year to sell.

      But I kept pestering the realtors to help me by signing a letter stating that they came out and saw that the house had the potential to list for xxxxx amount of dollars, and although I signed their contract, Mr. X did not sign. (I realized later that I could have typed this letter stating the facts of their visit, and just took it to them for their signature afterwards.) But regardless, these letters were needed to prove that my abuser was not cooperating to sell the house while it was under the threat of foreclosure.

      So once my abuser was legally pressured to sign the realtors contract, the house finally was got listed in the hottest month of the year. (July)

      I started fixing and cleaning up the house one project at a time while keeping up the acreage plus property. Btw, YouTube has great tutorials on how to fix anything! Against all odds in one of the hottest states in America, the Lord brought a buyer. But Beware – we also got an offer from a “realtor posing as a buyer”. She made a full offer but wrote up her “own contract” and deep in her fine print was a stipulation that if we accepted her offer she could basically back out and stall for as long as she wanted before finalizing the purchase. This would have been disasterous had we accepted it, because she could have stalled to the point of foreclosure, and then got the house for a song, which was probably her plan all along, because “realtors know” which houses may be under the threat of foreclosure. They are supposed to disclose next to their signature on the offer if they are a realtor.

      [Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]

  2. Anon.

    God is sooooo good!! I was released from an abuser years ago now, but I am waiting and praying for the trap door to be opened for my child. (The judge we are assigned to seems to be his friend.) I am so blessed to read this testimony. May you continue to prosper and bless others!

  3. Freed by God

    Wow! You are one smart, strong woman. Your story is a great example of the kind of strength that develops in women especially once they identify their abuser for who he really is.

  4. savedbygrace

    In reading through this, honestly I am feeling a little conflicted.

    First, I am very thankful that this worked out well. Praise God. And, in some ways, I hope this encourages others.

    But I also feel like I have to add a word of caution. Know your abuser. Know what you can safely do, pray about it, and if you choose to proceed do it with extreme caution. I have no doubt that my ex-husband would have killed me (seriously….he almost did over much less) if I had done any of those things. It took two major surgeries to save my life, and even then I almost didn’t survive. Had I tried something like this, it would have put my own life and possibly the lives of my children in extreme danger.

    Please, if anyone reading this feels they are in physical danger or has had a history of physical abuse, carefully weigh the options and potential consequences. It’s not worth dying over the equity in your home. Your life is worth far more.

    [Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]

    • StrongerNow

      I agree, we always need to know what our particular reality is.

      I see Standsfortruth’s story as an example of how God intervened to free her from her abuser. Another woman in different circumstances would have a different story, but God is the same, and can miraculously intervene in a different way that is unique to her circumstances.

    • keeningforthedawn

      Bless you, Savedbygrace. You are wise to point out the importance of knowing your abuser. While Standsfortruth shares beautiful and much-needed encouragement, it is not a “one-size-fits-all” formula.

    • Seeing the Light

      This is very true. I had a counselor who kept encouraging me not to be as nervous or scared about what my anti-husband might do. (I have never experienced physical violence with him – up to that point, it had been spiritual, emotional, and psychological.) The spiritual component was so strong that I was experiencing PTSD-like reactions to him. Well, the counselor kept assuring me that my anti-husband’s maturity level was no more than a twelve-year-old and I needed to stop being so nervous about him, and that he wasn’t capable of doing much about anything. Well, I pushed too hard to establish boundaries and steps toward being less dependent. I was also not nearly quiet and unassuming enough about it. Last fall, he very suddenly took extreme steps out of nowhere – with no warning – and the financial abuse began. Oh, how I wish I had not listened to that counselor.

      That said, I agree that today’s post from Standsfortruth is very encouraging. God’s delivering hand in her life is evident, and her story gives me hope. Certainly, there are tips to glean from her story as well that can help give good ideas to women who can safely apply them.

      • standsfortruth

        My husband was similar to yours, Seeing The Light, in that he specialized in verbal, psychological, and emotional covert abuse. One evening he was “Acting out another tantrum” to intimidate the family, and I realized that was just what it was….an act….I was tired of being a toy in his game, and decided to call him on it. (This, after reading books and many articles that spotlight the intentionality of the abuser and his game.)

        So as he was ranting one afternoon, I confronted him and said, “Stop it, just Stop it!” and spotlighted what he was doing…. And even though he vehemently denied what I said, I could tell he was surprised, and astonished, that I confronted him, and knew exactly what he was doing! The next day he ADMITTED that since I know, now, “The Gig is up”. That’s all my life was to him, just a gig?! Then he later had the gall to thank me for all the good times that he got from me as if to pour salt in my wounds. I was done, and determined to get out.

        Once my boundaries were up and solid, I held my cards very close to my chest, knowing that my older kids feared the retaliation of my abuser, and would tell him anything they knew about my plans….I moved a coffee pot into my room, and a safe water supply just to make sure there was no tampering with my food and water also. I literally had to live like a soldier walking in a war zone durring this time. My kids were nice to me durring this time, but my abuser avoided me, and was always trying to find out what I was doing. (So he could sabotoge it.)

        I likened him to “Bowzer” on the “Mario” video game. If I targeted him in the right places enough, over and over, he would eventually shut down. And my main stradegy was to not let him know what I was doing, or when I was doing it. Grey rock or “selective grey rock” kept me protected from him messing with me.

    • KayE

      I feel conflicted too. This worked out well for Standsfortruth and that’s great. I completely agree that whatever your situation God will be there to help you get through.

      But for some people it won’t be safe to confront an abuser in that way. In my case the abuser was quite successful with the scorched earth policy. In fact that’s pretty much literally all that was left of my house. I had to make a decision to focus on the health and safety of myself and my children, and too bad about everything else. Just as well, because as it turned out, the abuser was far more crafty and vindictive than I could ever have imagined.

      Not all abusers are that scary, and many people do benefit from standing up for their rights and outsmarting the abuser. Whatever you do, be very careful, assess your own situation, and put safety first.

    • Well said, Savedbygrace.
      While abusers have a lot in common with each other, each situation is different. And each situation can change — sometimes with unexpected rapidity. That is why we so often remind readers to do Safety Planning, particularly (if they can) with the help of a professional DV support person.

      Safety Planning starts with RISK ASSESSMENT.

      Here in my state of Victoria, Australia, a very good Common Risk Assessment Framework has been developed to help all professionals who might come in contact with victims of domestic abuse. The acronym for it is CRAF. Here is the online learning portal for CRAF [Internet Archive link]. (NB this is an Australian website.)

      Here is another site where workers can get an overview of what Risk Assessment is: 1800Respect Risk Assessment [Internet Archive link]. NB — this is also an Australian website so the phone number 1800Respect (i.e. 1800 737 732) only works in Australia.

      The basic CRAF training can be used by generalist workers like pastors, teachers, nurses, dentists, receptionists in medical practices, hairdressers, etc.. And for more front-line DV professionals, those who work in the shelter / refuge system and women’s centres that have DV as their main focus, the CRAF gives a more advanced level of training.

      The basic CRAF training could perhaps also be of some help to victims / survivors if they can’t find a DV support worker to help them.

      Also, we recommend the MOSAIC Threat Assessment System (a victim can do the MOSAIC questionnaire anonymously, online, by herself) as another way of helping assess risk before working out a personalized safety plan.

      I suspect that the Common Risk Assessment Framework may be somewhat better than what is provided in some (many?) parts of the USA. However, I’m no expert in what is on offer in the USA….

      And I know that pretty soon an app will be coming out to help victims in the USA assess and manage their own level of danger and work out their own personalised safety plan using the guidance of the app which has been put together by DV experts. It will offer a password protected section to the user so the victim can upload her own material (e.g. photos, records of text messages and emails from the abuser) to it anonymously so that only she can access it, and then later if she is dealing with the courts she can access that material to use as evidence in the court case. The app is in trial at the moment and will fairly soon be released. I recently met the people who are developing it, at a seminar in Melbourne when they were over here speaking to DV workers and activists.

    • NoMoreTears

      Savedbygrace: You are absolutely right….it depends on the abuser, how far you can go.
      Imagine, you are a general and would send your soldiers into harm’s way….you need to know your enemy. There is a saying: “Keep your friends close but your enemy closer.” When you think of a battle to be fought, one has to know the secrets of the enemy!

  5. Karen


    Thank you for sharing these valuable techniques of personal safety. Taking good care of yourself is NOT a sin as most abusive churches say that we are to be selfless to the point of disregarding our own well-being. I appreciate your courage and bravery all the while knowing our LORD is still caring for you. I seem to forget this and take on an element of guilt for trying to build healthy boundaries against those who come from a toxic religious system.

    [Editor’s note: Karen, is it safe to email you? You haven’t done anything wrong, we just have a concern about the identifying part of your comment that we edited for your safety. If it is safe, would you contact me at twbtc.acfj@gmail.com?]

    • Anonymous

      Taking good care of yourself is NOT a sin as most abusive churches say that we are to be selfless to the point of disregarding our own well being.

      Karen, this is so true — another one of the many lies we are taught as truth yet the Bible tells us that one of the ways we show true love to others is, “….to love your neighbor as yourself” and “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself….” We are to nourish our bodies because they, like everything else in our lives belongs to the Lord. Our hearts are to be open to the Lord but guarded (closed) to evil (Proverbs 4:23). Our minds are sound when we belong to the Lord and we are not to take instruction from evil.

      I saw this comment yesterday from an earlier post and I loved it and it goes with what you’ve said. The post is from I just hate feeling like I am back at square one when some of these triggers come (comment by Marah) and here’s the comment:


      September 12, 2014 – 10:57 am

      Oh, do I have a love / hate relationship with triggers. I hate the fear that swallows me. I hate the helpless rage they unbottle. I hate the spinning head, the inability to think clearly or form cogent thoughts. I hate the trauma they unleash!

      But I appreciate the strength I gain when I do allow myself to be angry, replacing righteous anger for feelings of helpless victimization. I appreciate the reminders that he really is as bad as I’ve realized; the triggers remind me that he isn’t safe, that I must reject the sweet and loving overtures. I appreciate how the triggers send me sprinting to my support system for help, strengthening the community I’ve begun to build for myself and my kids.

      I wish the valley of the shadow of death were safe, but at least the Great Lion who walks with me and guards me is Good.

  6. healinginhim

    Standsfortruth — I always appreciate hearing how the Lord works for others. I’ve been trying to free myself but having to be very cautious because so many abuser(s) are involved in this spider web.
    Besides the promises from Scripture, your words are tucked away, too:

    ….just remember that even though it may not be easy, God will be there for you to help you get through it.

    • standsfortruth

      Healinginhim, I honestly did not know that my situation would work out the way it did.

      We hear a lot of sad stories about how some abusers plunder their targets in the divorce process, and I wanted to fight hard to avoid that end. I thought at least if I fought with all of my might I would feel a little better if it turned out bad. I did not want to ask myself afterwards “what if I had tried harder to help myself more?” Or “What if I had given it my all?” So I gave this fight to get out “intact” everything I had. And God kept my strength up.

      Durring the previous years of my confusion about what a biblical marriage was, my abuser had my cooperation to plunder my life while we were married, (thanks to the churches and their twisted Scriptures).

      So knowing this, I certainly was not going to cooperate with him to plunder me in divorce. Even though I had all my ducks in a row with getting things lined up so I could be free and independent, I was afraid to file for divorce, and prayed for God to help me with that part.

      About that time my abuser was playing the pity party role to everyone, and was mad that I secured so many smart boundaries in the house and my life so he decided to shake up my plan with his own stradegy. He took all the money from our joint bank accounts and moved out of the family home into a nearby rental….(this was his cover up reason was because his wife was being so mean). Taunting me all the while to move out while he was away.

      But really his plan at that point was to “not pay the house payments” for a few months while he was away – enough to ruin my credit so that when he moved back in a few months later and filed, I would not have any credit to retain a lawyer…. But when he saw that I did retain a lawyer, he panicked and tried to back-paddle out of it, but it was too late. I had the divorce tiger by the tail, and wasn’t about to let go….

      So I really looked at things from the prospective of “If I’m going to get plundered well then I’m not going to make it easy for him….” As a matter of fact, I chose to set up a plan against his plan, to cover my bases with collecting all sorts of incriminating information against him, while inside the house, and retaining any paperwork that would defend my case in my locked car or deadbolted room.

      I once remember hearing a statement that shrewd politicians say about “keeping their enemies closer then their friends so that they can keep an eye on them”…. So I continued to collect important paperwork once he filed, which strengthened my position. There were many pitfalls along the way, like my first retained flat-rate lawyer had an abusers mindset, and was in kahoots with my abuser’s lawyer. All I could think was God help us all….

      Again, I was paralized with fear, and afraid to make a move against this lawyer to dismiss them, and prayed for God to give me courage to stand up to them. After almost a year of awful treatment from them they finally withdrew from representing me, because I refused to agree and cooperate with how they were and wanted to handle my case. Again, thank you Lord.

      I finally found through a recommendation a seasoned family law lawyer who was very good and listened to me and even wrote a book on divorce, and is used to dealing with abusive spouces. Had I not fought so hard to sell the house, I would not have been able to afford the second lawyer who was very instrumental in helping me fair well in the end. See, you can have a plan, and work towards it however small your steps may be. Your plans may change a little as things progress but you still can have a plan. Every small step you take towards that plan will empower you to take the next step, until you finally see the door of escape appear.

      You are stronger than you know. Don’t lose hope. If God could do this for me, know that He can be there to see you through a similar situation. I am praying for a positive deliverance to all who know the truth.

      [Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]

  7. IhaveProof

    This is a awesome strategy….the one downside to it is my husband [claims that he] believes he is the victim and hides all his stuff as if I want it: keys, cell phones, lock in and out of his cars, keeps his stuff that he relishes at his parent’s house….he acts so paranoid like I am going to take his stuff when I have proof that he has been committing adultery. Paper Trails etc., what to do, I really do want out….all these years is too much it is affecting my health.

    • Hi, dear sister, welcome to the blog. 🙂

      You will notice that I changed your screen name. I did that as a precaution to protect your identity. I also airbrushed detail from your comment for the same reason. If you don’t like the name I gave you, feel free to email twbtc.acfj@gmail.com and ask her to change it to a name of your choice.

      I suggest you check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And I encourage you to read this blog and search through our older posts and our Resources pages, to help you work out what you want to do. In particular, I suggest you look at the Safety Planning section of our Resources, and the Hotlines section of our Resources too.

      Also, in our recommended books list you will find a book titled Should I Stay or Should I Go? [*Affiliate link] by Lundy Bancroft. That might be a good one for you to read. But don’t neglect to read Lundy’s main book: Why Does He Do That? — Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [Affiliate link] — it is VERY good.

      *Amazon Affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.
  8. Anonymous

    “If I’m going to get plundered well then I’m not going to make it easy for him….”

    Again, I was paralized with fear, and afraid to make a move

    Standsfortruth, you appear so strong and many people who are in the midst of their battle with the evil one they married and the evil church community they belong to think that they could never make it through. But all throughout your comment we can see that you didn’t always feel this way but still managed to make it out and that God was the reason.

    This clearly was not a quick endeavor as the aspect of waiting out the abusive lawyer took one year alone, so I’m guessing this was quite a long process — and many of us realize this and wonder how we’ll make it.

    Your witness is beautiful. I too have learned not to make to make it easy for the evil ones in my life. Sometimes abusers are just trolling for victims and if they realize that you aren’t easy pickins’, they’ll move on right away. If I had realized this or been trained about this from youth (to not make it easy for an abuser to abuse me) my husband would have been someone I had never known. If I would have known about boundaries or what abusive behavior was — he would never had been interested in me or me in him. And all the people who contributed to keeping one of God’s children enslaved to evil will be accountable to the Lord. Every person who didn’t speak the truth about evil, every person who encouraged me to bow down to evil, to hug it and call it good, to worship my husband as god in my life — all these horrible lies that kept me from knowing and loving the real God of the Bible — will be accountable. Through God’s grace and mercy — I will no longer be one of those people.

    There’s a quote from a movie that goes something like, “It’s not brave if you’re not afraid.” Most of us here are terrified because we have the ability to fear (people without a conscience don’t) and because we realize that our entire belief system and support system was a lie and now here we are with the cold hard reality of what’s going on and we have to face the prospect of leaving it all behind, starting over and healing. Daunting is too easy of a word. But I think your testimony is great and I’d be interested to know what the timeframe was from when you started to sequester yourself away from your husband until you finally succeeded with the divorce etc.. This may help others see that it’s a doable thing but it may take some time. And that being afraid while you’re doing it doesn’t mean that it still can’t be done. It’s not brave if you’re not afraid!

    You said in another one of your comments that you were “no spring chicken!” and I think this may help others too because so many of us aren’t spring chickens ourselves but still desire to move on. Thank you again!

    • standsfortruth

      Thanks, Anonymous, yes I wrestled with the idea of getting out on my own as I am older. But I also did not want to have my children move out, only to be left behind stuck alone in the home with my abuser.

      My stradegy had securing a job as a precursor to getting a divorce. When I moved into the job market, I found there are ALOT of older single women from divorces already in the work place. Two of my co-worker friends in the public service industry were 72….so I have some comfort, knowing I have many years to go if I still want to be working at that age. Also there is an on-line job finding site called ziprecruiter.com where you can submit what type of job you want, with how close you want the mile proximity to be to your home, and give them your email, and they will send job matches to your email every day. If you like them you can click on them and apply. You can also upload a resume to them to give job history for jobs that might be intrested in your skill set.

      It’s good to do a current search on what a good resume looks like, because things have changed quite a bit since my previous working days.

      Signing up with Ziprecruiter is how I got my current full time job, although many part time jobs were available.

      Referencing how long I kept a room in the house private and secure from my abuser, it was probably close to a year and a half. I purchased a “one-keyed deadbolt lock” with a latch on the inside and a key lock on the outside. This set up only costs around $10.00 at a home improvement store, and you can put it in place of the existing bedroom doorknob….so no modifications are necessary. You just won’t have a doorknob, because the deadbolt takes the place of it, and the door is fully functional just the same. The only thing I did was drill out a deeper hole for the dead bolt barrel to go fully into. When you set this type of boundary in your home for yourself, it sends a strong message that you are changing the power dynamics in the relationship, and by doing so you are protecting and respecting yourself. Control over your personal space, and availability is going back into your court. The police warned if he broke the door or entered the room by force, that I could press charges against him, so he never did.

      [Paragraph breaks added to enhance readability. Editors.]

  9. NoMoreTears

    I was there when Standsfortruth had to deal with the outfall of all the abusive years of her marriage. I had met her in a Bible study. It seemed that she finally had awakened from all the abuse to realize….enough is enough! As it happens to many women, including myself, life with an abuser takes its toll and gnaws away on our confidence.

    As I looked into her life from the outside, I quickly realized what was going on. However, the pastor and Elder of the church did not understand and held it against her to refuse to go to counseling together. They had no clue as to what kind of man her husband really was. What upset me was the church’s belief to “know it all.” Therefore, they felt entitled to judge her. They told her to have to stay together because of the children. At that point, it was already too late for the children. The father had trained them well to become little psychopaths abusing their mother. For her own sanity, she had to get out. The children did not even want to leave their father. Why, you may ask? Because the father allowed and encouraged anything that stood in their way of success, they became addicted to play computer games day and night and he, like a spider in his web, sought fulfilment in their failure. And that was what he wanted for his wife as well. As a matter of fact, his greatest joy came from learning what was dear to her so he could take it away….to have complete control!

    So what was that poor woman supposed to do? Continue on this trail of destruction?
    Her guilt not to have been able to save her children was immense. All she wanted for herself was to find a little space where she could feel safe from abuse….from control. She did not even know who she was anymore…. She had not been allowed to be the person God had created her to be. What a waste to be someone’s slave for the duration of one’s life!

    I told her that the first step to be independent was to get a job, have her own income. This would give her the confidence to make future decisions. For that purpose, she needed to make sure to have access to a car. The next step was to sell their home so that they could divide the profit.

    Neither her husband nor her teenage children helped getting the house ready. She scraped and washed and cleaned and did whatever was necessary. Her husband did not want for her to succeed. He kept putting roadblocks in her way. With God’s help, she overcame. I remember situations that seemed hopeless. Then God opened a door and another one.

    With the money she earned, she was able to pay a lawyer to get divorced. She found a place where she could rent a room and feel safe.

    I am glad that I was able to encourage her to find success. This country was built with freedom and independence in mind. Unfortunately, at times it is not that readily available in marriages.

  10. Finding Answers

    (Airbrushing as I write….)

    Reading through the original post and the comments generated, I was mentally asking some of the same questions, raised in sequence.

    Some of the same concerns crossed my mind regarding safety and / or security.

    To be honest, I’m not sure what I would have done. I cannot even use hindsight to venture a guess….there were too many variables….

    What I can see in hindsight, are times when someone – not just my anti-x – tried to apply “the scorched earth” policy to me. (Omitting details for my protection). Somehow, the boundaries I unintentionally set counteracted their measures.

    And the boundaries were unintentionally set. I was like the blind man outside the synagogue. I could not see what I was doing with each tiny step.


    I wondered why the Holy Spirit led me back to re-read the original post and comments. He’d been nudging me all along….

    I was so unaware of the depth of the pit I had inhabited since a baby, I was metaphorically blind. I had been given so much faulty advice, so many false teachings, all buried in my subconscious.

    On the surface, I was more than competent, both personally or professionally. Since the walls started to crumble less than one year ago, I have progressed back to a similar degree of competency, only with a deeper, sounder foundation.

    The process will continue, bits and pieces built into the renovation….of that I am aware.

    I pray those in similar metaphorically blind circumstances, those in dangerous circumstances, will receive gentle nudges to find their way out.

    • Finding Answers

      Adding on to my own comment….

      Since I wrote this comment, SO much more has come to Light / light, and I realize some of the discoveries are part of the reason for my unintentional blindness. And with these discoveries, I continue to have moments when I feel slow on the uptake. (Omitting many details for my protection.)

      Yet I know I am NOT slow on the uptake, I lacked sufficient information to assemble the pieces into the part of the puzzle in which they fit.

      And I know at an even deeper level – I could not have done any of this without the Holy Spirit leading me.

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