My experience with abuser-enabling misogyny in the church
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16)
So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words, (Proverbs 2:16)
And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. (1 Kings 16:31)
God’s Word in Holy Scripture is pure, right, life-giving, and true. Whenever and wherever scripture is cited to support evil, we can be sure that its real teaching has been distorted. Verses such as the ones quoted above have been very frequently twisted to misrepresent the fundamental nature of women and I want to tell you how I (and most all of you) have personally seen these distortions played out among Christians.
First, let me say very plainly that both men and women enter this world in a spiritually fallen condition – as sinners. Alienated from God. Without hope. Dead in their sins and hell-bound (see Ephesians 2). If not for the mercy of God in Christ, all would most certainly perish for all eternity. Outside of Christ, women, like men, are sinners. NOTE: Be very careful to understand that the Bible does not address real believers as sinners which they once were. The oft-repeated refrain “we are all sinners” when applied to believers is frequently a favorite tune sung by sin-levelers and sin-minimizers to enforce their demand that we forgive them and reconcile with them no matter what they have done or whether they have truly repented or not.
To return. So yes, Eve was dead in her sins after the fall, just like Adam, as we see in Genesis three. And yes, absolutely, there are indeed “forbidden women” and “adulteresses” in this world who young men must be warned against. And certainly, there ARE Jezebels to be found, evil women who actively work to lead others into worship of their false gods. Many if not most of you have no doubt met some such woman before. (I won’t take the time here to go into detail, but let’s make special note that of course there are male adulterers who seduce women, who women must be warned against. And there are indeed male “Jezebels” who work to turn women away from the true and living God).
But let me describe for you how these verses and others are very commonly used to paint a picture of women in general, including Christian women, that is really nothing less that misogyny in disguise. “Misogyny” by the way, comes from the Greek verb “to hate” and the Greek noun for “women.” Misogyny means “hatred of women.” Here is the false doctrine that is VERY often taught, overtly and covertly, in our churches by and to people who often really do desire to hold Scripture in high regard as the Word of God:
Women, ever since the fall in Eden, are to be subservient to their husbands. In fact, women in general are subservient to men, inferior in their very nature due to the female-specific trait inherited from Eve of craving to dominate their husband, and most probably to set themselves above men in general. Women use their sexual and seductive charms to seduce and control men, and like Jezebel would lead men away from true religion in Christ.
These seducing and usurping traits are characteristic of Christian women as well, and the godly man who is wise must take particular care that he is not driven astray by any woman. Church leaders especially must guard against this constant, ongoing desire of women to usurp male authority in the church. Christian fathers and husbands must see to it that their wives and daughters cover themselves so that godly men are not seduced and tempted into sexual sin. Christian wives must be careful to resist their innate tendency to usurp authority over their husbands.
Does any or all of that sound familiar to you? Ironically, these doctrines are often taught by Christian women as well as Christian men.
Now, of course there is most definitely a true, wholesome, biblical teaching about modesty for all Christians. In our day (and I suppose in most every age of history) rank and wicked immodesty is characteristic of the evil world we live in. Where the Lord is rejected you always see men and women spiraling into ever-increasing degrees of sexual sin, nakedness being one such common defiance of the Law of God. But what we are speaking of in respect to this misogyny is the notion that by the very nature of the woman as woman, she tends to seduce men and lead them into sin. The extreme example of this very thinking is the teaching and practice found in some versions of Islam that require women to be essentially totally covered and hidden from view and if a woman is raped it is her fault for leading her poor rapist into the act. This strain of radical thinking regarding modesty is also often to be found in patriarchal Christian churches and organizations. (see Wendell’s article on Shariah law in the church)
One young woman I know recounted to me how she was once at a youth group meeting, sponsored by her church. It was summer time and she was wearing cut-offs. She was sitting near one of the young men (who came from a very controlling, patriarchal family). The young man reached down, picked up a sweater lying nearby, and covered her legs from view. You can see the problem here. In this young man’s thinking — which he had been taught on the supposed authority of Scripture — he believed that the source of the lustful thoughts he was starting to sense within himself was not his own sinful flesh, but in the young woman herself. You see the fallacy here and the damaging blame-shifting which really is misogyny. How is this young man going to view his wife one day? You can probably sort that out for yourself and the picture is not a pretty one. If he commits adultery or views porn, well, it is the fault of his wife, right? Many of you who have suffered at the hands of a domestic abuser will resonate with that claim.
So this is just a brief description of the false doctrine that I was taught about women and wives and daughters by people in the church, including many big-name Christian celebrity preachers and teachers, and I assumed for a long time that it was just a ‘given’ that these things must be true. After all, who was I to disagree with Bible college professors, seminary professors, Christian theologians who wrote books, and so on? I was a nobody and they, well, they were super saints with huge followings. (That is a very dangerous mentality for a Christian to have by the way and the Apostle Paul refutes it: “And from those who seemed to be influential (what they were makes no difference to me; God shows no partiality)—those, I say, who seemed influential added nothing to me.” Gal 2:6.)
Now, finally, think this all through VERY carefully. Forget about parsing Greek verbs and doing intricate word studies for right now. What have YOU seen in the visible church in regard to these things? I think I know the answer because I have seen the same thing. It is NOT characteristic of a real Christian woman to constantly connive and sneak and deceive and manipulate her husband into giving her what she wants — to usurp his authority. Rather, the typical scenario we see even and especially in abuse cases is that the wife has no desire to dominate her husband, but hungers for him to be a godly man who she will willingly and gladly join hands with. Sadly, this admirable wish on the part of the abuse victim in Christian circles is used against her to keep her in bondage to abuse. She wants to serve the Lord. She wants to be the woman and wife and mother Christ calls her to be. And somehow the abuser diabolically senses this and turns her heart’s desire against her.
There IS misogyny in the visible local church. There IS very commonly a notion, often cloaked in pious-sounding talk about the worth and value of women, mothers, and wives, that women must be kept down else before you know it men will find themselves, their churches, and their families, dominated by liberated women who are the product of devilish radical feminism that would lead us all into Baal worship. The thing is ages old, and I close with an example of it from Scripture:
But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command delivered by the eunuchs. At this the king became enraged, and his anger burned within him. Then the king said to the wise men who knew the times (for this was the king’s procedure toward all who were versed in law and judgment, the men next to him being Carshena, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meres, Marsena, and Memucan, the seven princes of Persia and Media, who saw the king’s face, and sat first in the kingdom): “According to the law, what is to be done to Queen Vashti, because she has not performed the command of King Ahasuerus delivered by the eunuchs?” Then Memucan said in the presence of the king and the officials, “Not only against the king has Queen Vashti done wrong, but also against all the officials and all the peoples who are in all the provinces of King Ahasuerus. For the queen’s behavior will be made known to all women, causing them to look at their husbands with contempt, since they will say, ‘King Ahasuerus commanded Queen Vashti to be brought before him, and she did not come.’ This very day the noble women of Persia and Media who have heard of the queen’s behavior will say the same to all the king’s officials, and there will be contempt and wrath in plenty. (Est 1:12-18)
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NOTE: Please do not use this post as a launching pad for a debate in the comments on whether or not women are to serve in the church as pastors and elders. We here at ACFJ generally try to avoid that debate and focus specifically on abusers, abuse, and abuse victims in the church. We hold our own personal views on the former issue, but here in this post we want to simply acknowledge the misogyny that so commonly exists in the churches.
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Related Posts and Articles
What Headship and Submission do NOT Mean
Sabotaged Submission by Carmen Bryant
To Every Man An Answer But if it’s an Abused Woman Let’s Lance Her
Are All Sins Equally Bad? Are All Transgressions of the Law Equally Heinous?
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- Posted in: Unjust church responses
- Tagged: church response to abuse, Esther, false teachers, Genesis, interpreting Scripture, Jeff Crippen, Kings, prejudice, Proverbs, spiritual abuse
A Cry For Justice 
Reblogged this on My Only Comfort [Internet Archive link] and commented:
Exactly.
I just followed the link to the article about what headship and submission do NOT mean. Excellent stuff. I’m still trying to scrub the false teachings of Jack Hyles and Bill Gothard from my brain. This website is a great help with that.
Thank you for this article. I have often thought that my ex must have something against women. He was usually very sympathetic toward single moms, even tipping them extra when they were waitresses at places we ate, and he’d go out on a limb to fix their cars, etc. Yet women of strength he did not like. Funny thing is I was very strong minded when we met and married. I became quiet and more compliant over the years and he seemed to grow to despise me the more I became like that. His mom is strong minded and he does not like her because of it. He has not spoken to her in years. He would even call me by her name at times, purposely, to let me know he was not happy with me.
I grew up in an environment where there was a mix of women being equal with mild patriarchy. It was subtle enough that I didn’t call it “mysogyny”. The result is that I said out loud that women are equal, but felt inferior sometimes. Other times I felt like men were inferior due to them being more prone to hatred. Now I’m trying to be more objective-to recognize the good and bad in each person individually. Regarding the teaching about women being controlling, I heard a more equalized version that still doesn’t apply to all situations. “God told women to submit because their instinct is to control and God told men to lead because their instinct is to be lazy and do nothing. Everyone is called to do what’s hard for them.” That’s equalizing, but not applicable to the many controlling men in the world.
Wow. I have never heard that one.
I don’t think my instinct as a woman is to control anything. I like men who are strong enough to have their own opinions. I like equals. People who don’t equals have problems, imo.
Thank you, Pastor Jeff. Yes, yes, yes! I used to enjoy listening to a well known Bible teacher / pastor from North Carolina each morning before or during breakfast until the day I heard him say that Genesis teaches that women want to lead or be in control of their husbands by their very nature since the Fall. It occurred to me that I never ever in my life wanted to “lead or control” my husband, yet he had accused me of that very thing on many occasions, usually after I had given my opinion on something innocuous. From that day forward, I have never listened to that particular teacher again, and I’m sure there are those who would accuse me of “throwing the baby out with the bathwater”, but I don’t have any use for this kind of misogynistic junk in my relationship with Jesus OR in my marriage. Unfortunately, my husband is deeply entrenched in this mindset and I don’t really think he will ever change at this age and stage of the game. It’s a real tragedy. Also, a young teenage girl in my Sunday school class a couple of years ago let it slip that she (and her family) believed that Eve was responsible for the Fall, and therefore women cannot be trusted to make the best decisions. They didn’t let her stay in my class more than a Sunday or 2 after that, and left the church about a year later, mercifully! There will be much to be accounted for when (maybe IF) these people with their horrible doctrine have to face Jesus at last. Maybe that’s the reason for the wailing and gnashing of teeth we read about.
KayJay – I have ceased listening to most of the Bible teachers that I used to think were so great. I did learn some things from them, but it is strange, isn’t it? I can remember driving down I-84 in Portland going to and from work or class and regularly tuning in to the local Christian station and eating up all those shows. I stopped doing so a long time ago, I don’t really remember when and I don’t recall making a conscious decision to stop. Now I look back and have to unlearn things that I had soaked in.
Wow K. It sounds just like the church I’m leaving. I didn’t even know that wasn’t true but it’s funny how just having you point it out makes me realize I’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid for too long.
Just trying to understand why you quoted from Esther to finish this article. That situation with Queen Vashti was essential to precipitate the rise of Esther. It was not a “Christian” philosophy, nor a Jewish one. It was a historical situation based on the laws and principals of the Persian empire. God orchestrated the scenario with Vashti to later demonstrate the power of a humble yet fearless woman in Esther. Esther knew her place under the authority of the King, she was submissive and humble, and God elevated her and saved her people because of it.
What was your point in using that piece of the Esther story to close the article?
Because of the rank misogyny. Notice Memucan in verse 17. Gotta keep the women down.
Actually, it was orchestrated to get Esther, a Jew and Mordecai’s niece in as queen. She wasn’t fearless (Esther 4:11-16), she was fearful but willing to push past that. Esther followed (submitted to her husband) the rules like Vashti. Both women had their moment to break rules and their demonstration of a lack of submission. Vashti for the sake of preserving dignity and propriety culturally. Esther broke the rules so she would have a hearing to plead for the lives of her people. Esther knew the risks of breaking the rules because of what happened to Vashti. God elevated her as a part of his plan to save his people. Not because of her humble and submissiveness but because God knew she would step out (disobey her husband and royal protocol) no matter the personal cost to her. The whole book is about God working behind the scenes to preserve his people. His name is not mentioned once in the book but he continued to be faithful to Israel.
Thanks hope.
I agree with everything you pointed out here. 🙂
My kids veggie tales shows what you said even. Glad to hear this pointed out. This whole “God blessed this woman or that woman for submission and humility” is such a terrible message. I’ve believed it and told others the same lie when they asked what to do when this or that happened. Blame and responsibility falls heavy on the Christian woman. The man is never addressed/ never questioned and I bet I looked oh so wise with my empty and misunderstood “wisdom”. It felt good to think I was right. I mean it worked for me- sometimes, right? Actually it was an endless rat race that never worked. Not once.
Just shut up and let the man lead – it’s his God given position – don’t question / don’t speak- it’ll cause him trouble and you’ll be punished (by him but you’ll think it’s God punishment not your husband’s). Wife- Look at your failures- you’re a sinner too- don’t judge- don’t feel- let him control you as he wants- oh I mean submit or yield to his leading. Oh his reading false teachings by cult leaders? Wait on The Lord but don’t stand up for the truth in the meantime. Shhhh… Quietness and gentleness and don’t forget shut up and keep the house clean and give him all the sex he wants and agree with all his decisions. Don’t deprive him anything- he has such a big job controlling you and manipulating- he’s exhausted. Phew! Have some mercy. Look at all those good things he does for us and for you. He so good and we feel so great around him! We love it! You just go ahead and die now. There, there, now God loves you…
Yeah I can’t wait to be divorced. This – coming from a woman who would NEVER have left her husband even after he cheated. It took him attacking me to finally say “no more”. He’s smearing my name all over town and no one in my life cares to dig deep and come on here or buy these books recommended. You know what- the truth brings out the ugly in people and leaves you alone for a time but at least I know what’s been going on and what to look for in people now. Lies and friend don’t go together. Abuse and marriage never will either.
Yay! Vent away to your heart’s content, Lost. You’re cutting through the tanged web of lies with vehemence! Well done you. 🙂
Shut up and keep secrets is soooo typical of these kind of households. We have seen this repeatedly in our church. When the heat and light of truth got to hot and bright, suddenly these pious, oh so holy ones started making accusations to justify them leaving. But we all know why they left. Their secrets were threatened with exposure.
Some women are born to lead; some men are born to lead. We are all given different gifts so when I read anyone putting all men or all women into one bucket, I usually discount their opinion since it runs counter to the real world.
I enjoy reading your blog – get great insights and I have learned more about how to recognize abusers.
Hope, your insight regarding the book of Esther is spot-on! You did not re-write the story to fit some tiring one-size-fits-all false teaching that stereotypes women – i.e. be like Esther who didn’t break any rules like Vashti did and have a sweet spirit which always wins the day. Truth is, Esther, like Jesus in Gethsemane who asked for the cup to pass from Him, didn’t even want to do the job her Uncle Mordecai advised her to do. But when challenged by Uncle Mordecai, she chose to do the right thing…in spite of personal risk. Reading this book and seeing God “work behind the scenes” to bring down / hang the evil characters and save His people is most inspiring!
Wow, LOST! That was just……………wow.
I so agree with Hope’s post. Often, this book is used to show that Vashti was disobedient in not submitting to her husband’s request — I saw the request as humiliating — therefore, she was an example of rebellion (sigh) — I once had a discussion with a woman who was taught that she must submit to her husband even if his request was to do something against the word of God. The talk came as a result of a discussion on a Christian forum –I had gone back and forth with a man who basically laughed at me for pointing out that at the Judgement Day the wife will account for her own sins. I have never married and am in my 60s, but the impression I got from this man is that I had no right to disagree with him simply because I am a woman. No biblical insight gets an “amen” unless it comes from a man. The woman I spoke with later was taught the same thing I was trying to refute — these people seemed to believe in absolute submission of the wife regardless of what was being asked of her — I told her that in a marriage, she should not be a passive bystander.
I think that these people viewed me as being heretical or a feminist which is anathema to them — I don’t view myself as a feminist, but I find it odd that I must agree with some that I am inferior and have no purpose other than to serve man.
Thank you for the refreshing post. So true and liberating. I have been taught by the church that a wife ought to submit to the decisions of the husband always as this is what the Bible says. When I asked what happens if the husband’s decision puts the family in debt or the family’s welfare in jeopardy, the answer was that when the wife submits, God works out everything in her favour. The inference:- God protects and upholds the wife for her obedience. I cannot agree with this dumb and foolish interpretation of submission. I have seen many women who are in so much trouble now financially because they listened to their husbands blindly. I agree with what one of the commentators said here that all of us will give an account to God on Judgment Day.
My husband does not seem to accept that tithing and offering on income received is mandated by the Bible. He won’t allow me to give and when I do give, it is done secretly for fear of his anger. I want to adopt a couple of kids via the Compassion International as God has laid this on my heart for several years but I am afraid of being found out. I doubt my husband will ever agree. I have broached this subject with him. He does give in his own way but not tithes. I have brought this up with some friends but strangely they are of the view that if the husband does not want the wife to tithe, the wife should pray for his heart to change but she should not tithe or give until her husband consents. I feel that submission should not contradict anything else in the Bible and if the husband says a wife is to do or not do something inconsistent with the scriptures, the wife should not submit on that point. Every time I pray, I end up feeling guilty and sinful as I have withheld from God. What do you think? Am I not accountable to God alone?
Hi Seeking — welcome to the blog. 🙂
When you submitted your comment you’d given what might be your real first name in the ‘name’ field, so I changed it to Seeking because the text of your comment seemed to indicate that that’s what you wanted to be known by here.
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I completely agree with what you said here:
But in regards to Scriptural idea of tithing, I believe and have observed that many Christians see it as one of those aspects of the Christian life on which different Christians have different interpretations. I certainly don’t want to argue with you 🙂 but I personally believe that while tithing was commanded for the Jews in the nation of Old Testament Israel, it was not commanded for Christians in the New Testament — i.e. the Church Era.
Many Christians, I know, choose to give ten percent of their income to the Lord, but I think the ten percent figure is simply a guideline they have taken from the Old Testament — not an inflexible ‘rule’ they think they must obey as Christians. But if you feel led by the Lord to donate to a particular cause, then that is between you and God. I hope this helps you put the matter of tithing somewhat lower down in your ranking of ‘important doctrines’ … because, if you have other significant grievances about how your husband behaves towards you, they might in fact be more important to focus on.
Again — welcome to the blog, and thanks for sharing! 🙂
Barbara, thank you for this thoughtful response.
When I read these comments I’m again reminded how evil it is that we’ve been wrongly taught to blindly submit. For one thing, it forces us to deny the Holy Spirit inside of us, it also demeans us and makes us shut off our mind–the mind God gave us in order to serve him–and we become robots for the evil one to direct. 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of instruction.” Each INDIVIDUAL who belongs to the Lord has this spirit and when we marry, we are supposed to have more / double the strength to serve Him. Instead, we throw away or put away God. This teaching (blind submission) is not only wrong but childish and dangerous–as many of us know from first-hand experience. If you have to go against your conscience and Godly principals in order to obey another person–this is not from the Lord.
I’ve wondered countless times why God allowed my husband to destroy our family financially. It’s taken nearly a decade to show me that this was the strongest way for Him to reveal the truth about what was going on in the church and in the world and to solidify the truths of the Bible. When I was at my lowest point and I knew fixing anything in my life was beyond my own capabilities, I felt like my only choices were to turn to the Lord or commit suicide. I turned to the Lord–truthfully, angrily, brokenly, demandingly and hopefully. I WANTED THE TRUTH!. Over and over again he revealed more truth to me through his word and in my life. Faithfully, consistently, overwhelmingly Jesus walked with me in my life and he refused to let me sink back into the lies I had believed in the past. Like a bed of nails, he never allowed me to find comfort in the old (wrong) ways of thinking that I’d been taught. He forced me to speak truth even when I wanted to hide and to be invisible and to try to just get along and go with the flow, and each time he showed me that this was right and that it was actually all for HIM and that when I obeyed HIM I was blessed. I felt naked and exposed and vulnerable–which are all good things when done before the Lord–and because of my brokenness I couldn’t even try to pretend that I could get along with evil. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually I could no longer exert the effort required to maintain the façade of lies I’d been trained to exhibit. God completely annihilated my entire life. Who knew that today I’d be so very grateful for this? God knew.
Love. It’s what separates the truth from the lies, the good from the evil, and it changes everything. When I was bound up with all the evil and the lies that come with wrong biblical thinking I could never feel the full force of God’s love. The lies were like a shield that blocked me from feeling this. Now with the lies out of the way, Gods love for me can be felt by my soul and I’m nourished and fed and able to give his love to those he wishes to bless with it. What can I say except that I’m grateful.
Hey Lost – I don’t think you’re lost at all. I think you’re found. You speak with a strong clear voice – one we need to hear! Thank you.
I had barely been a Christian when I moved away for work so had to find a church in another state. I had found it via a website. I started going and was very impressionable being a new Christian. I hung on every word like it was gold. There were red flags early on. I was not allowed to help move chairs because I’m a woman. Don’t want to go into all the details because that’s a lot of typing, but it basically took me a long time to realize something wasn’t right. I kept hearing and seeing misogynistic practices, especially when seeking counsel for problems in marriage. It has taken me years but I’m finally leaving. I also experience abuse from my spouse who is much like the other article in which the woman called the radio show. Similar to her, I was told to not have expectations of him but to keep being submissive and giving sex. It’s only become worse, so I don’t know what is going to happen. He does the same things to me as the other lady. Ignoring me and bashing me for no reason, like passive aggressive type stuff. I used to be hurt by it but now I just don’t care. I had been asking for help from the church since it all started and i was blamed for marrying him. He was a Christian and I was too at the time of marriage. We were advised not to marry but went ahead. Mind you I was almost 30 when we got married so, yeh. Total micro managing. There’s lots more but i just want to stop obsessing over it and get out.
Hi Cher,
Welcome to the blog! You are showing courage and wisdom by leaving that church.
We like to direct new commenters to our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog. If after reading the page you want to change your screen name just email me and I can change it for you.
Again, Welcome!
Thank you for everything and it is not my real name. I’m wondering if you have an article on how to formally leave a church like mine. I just stopped going. My husband is still going. I’m a member, he’s not. Do I even need to say anything?
Cher – You do not have to say anything, unless you want to. Of course they are not going to listen to you and will not admit their fault in your having to leave due to them enabling your abuser. All I can say is that I would (and I mean me, the choice is yours to make) do is write them a brief letter informing them of my resignation and stating the reason as failure of the pastors to shepherd and care for the sheep, enabling wolves instead.
Cher, as you are new here you may not have had a chance to see a post we have on passive aggression. You may be interested in reading it: Covert aggression is not the same as passive aggression.
We call what many refer to as ‘passive’ aggression as ‘covert’ aggression because we have learned from Dr. George Simon that there is an important distinction between passive aggression and covert aggression. Abusers’ “subtle underhanded and covert attempts to dominant, exploit, manipulate and control” are accurately labeled as covert aggression. The distinction is explained in this post. 🙂
I mean, I have doubted myself so many times and have had my mom ask me, when did you become so weak? Before, I was a strong woman that could do anything. I was even in the military. I lived on my own since 18, and worked. I don’t understand why it’s like this. But I do know the Lord is my Shepherd. Thank you for the suggestion.
I have read and thought about the post about aggression for several days now and I would agree that there is a difference. Sometimes he is being passive and other times covert. I noticed a few covert moments recently. He was raised by an abusive father so I believe his role model was not a good one. My father was very kind, loving, patient and took care of my mom and us. So I don’t naturally accept it as normal.
Cher, I believe your strength will return someday because God is in the habit of raising things from the dead.
A friend was raped when we were 14. My mother zeroed in on her loss of virginity! It didn’t matter that it wasn’t her fault; she really believed a man who loved her someday might still regretfully decide he couldn’t marry her because her hymen was holey despite her faith! As if our value is wrapped up in that little piece of skin!!
This happened in the late 1970s. I was disgusted then….forget the physical injuries (and she was badly beaten as well as traumatized), the real tragedy was her lost virginity.
That must have been awful for your friend!
I think she would have found your friendship very precious.
Dovelady, I can assure your friend that her mother is extremely wrong. Not all males think the way she thinks. In fact many of them do not.
I had a girlfriend raped after being left home on a Christmas night out with friends.
She wanted to break off with me and it took a lot of love and letting her know that she was still a very special lovely, fantastic, woman. It took a while for her to come round to realising I was not going away and this made no difference to me. In fact it made me want to love her more. In time she realised there was still life and even wonderful sexual life after rape.
To this day she will say she just blocks out that day in her calendar and although she will never forget, she is determined never to let that stigmatise her (which your own mother is doing) or control her from living life. She is just a bit sadder on that day but it has never kept her held back.
There are decent men out there who, like me, will say her mother is a vile evil woman living in the Dark Ages. In today’s society where sadly it’s perhaps more reported the stigma associated is not perhaps as bad as it used to be.
Love her much and let her know she is still a fantastic woman. As far as I’m concerned and any other decent right thinking man is concerned, she was still a virgin in my eyes after this. I say this as my first true love when a teenager was raped and abused and I told her the same. I only ever viewed her as a virgin, it was not doing away with reality we both knew that and had to come through a lot of counselling and help. However as far as I was concerned she had done no wrong and who was I to associate blame on her. God most certainly did not see it as that, and neither will I.
Her mum is reacting but totally out of order. She was wrong and evil even.
I said this to Barb yesterday. Regarding other rubbish due to secondary abuse. This rubbish needs to be put not in the bin but where it belongs in the pit of hell. They burned rubbish in Jerusalem outside the city walls in a place called hades. It was the rubbish dump where rubbish was taken and set on fire. This is were we get the word “hell” from.
Jesus was nailed on the cross of shame for her and this vile man’s sin and her mothers abusive sinful words. He was placed on a cross outside the city gates on the hill above the place hades. Representing her, He took her sin and all that shame. Jesus did not die for her part in rape. For that was not her sin. He sees her as such a precious child. She need not bear that blame but shove it into the pit of hell where it belongs. It’s from the devils wicked mouth really anyways.
These things I keep trying to tell myself so I don’t continue with false guilt upon me.
Your friend needs heaps of love but there’s life after rape and it can be wonderful, sexually too. I trust something I’ve said brings great hope and encouragement and you both have a fantastic Christmas. Good things are ahead.