UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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[October 2, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5 ESV)
We have all had the “do not judge” card pulled on us when we pointed out some wickedness in an abuser who is pretending to be a Christian. “Now, don’t judge. We are all sinners, you know.” That nonsense. And let me show you that it is indeed nonsense by asking and answering just one simple question that should be quite obvious in this Scripture passage:
Who is Jesus speaking to here? Answer: hypocrites.
“You hypocrite.” Pretty plain, right? And yet how is this verse usually applied? It is typically wrongly applied to the righteous who are pointing out the hypocrite. Duh, right? Jesus is rebuking the wicked, and specifically He is calling out the religious wicked. And yet today so often this is the proof text of the wicked man! “Now, don’t judge,” he and his allies tell us. “Matthew 7, you know.” That is 180 degrees out of whack. These words are applied by Jesus for the very purpose of judging the wicked hypocrite, the false Christian hiding in wool, you see. They are targeted at abusers who attack and accuse the righteous, finding some minute speck in the victim’s eye while all the while having a log of sin in their own.
We see it all the time, right? Abusers parading as eminent saints, going around looking for a grain of dust in the life of their victim while their own evil protrudes like a giant redwood log that they can’t even see past. Thus, the “speck” they claim is in their victim’s life is a pure invention of their own evil heart. They are incapable of seeing past their own evil.
So let’s stop permitting the wicked and their naive, duped allies, to lay this common distortion of Matthew 7 on us. Don’t wear the “speck” these blind hypocrites accuse you of having in your life. They are blind fools. And, I must also say, so are preachers and teachers in our churches who use this text to let the wicked man off the hook.
The righteous person, the genuine Christian, is capable of seeing that hypocrite’s log. So judge the wicked in righteousness and expose his evil.
Note: The last two verses of Matthew 7 show us who the people were that Jesus was addressing in Matthew 5-7 (the Sermon on the Mount):
And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes. (Matthew 7:28-29 ESV)
Crowds. Crowds of Jews. People who were born into the Old Testament covenant people of God. So you will find parts of this Sermon addressed to true Israelites, but other sections such as this one (Matthew 7:1-5) are targeted at wicked hypocrites who, though physically born as children of Abraham, were not true Israelites (like the Pharisees). Therefore it is an error to conclude that because Jesus uses the term “brother” in these verses He must be speaking to real Christians. Here “brother” is more properly considered as a synonym for “fellow Israelite.”
[October 2, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to October 2, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to October 2, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to October 2, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (October 2, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]
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A Cry For Justice 
Reblogged this on Speakingtruthinlove's Blog [Internet Archive link].
Thank you! The entire “Sermon on the Mount” is used to shut down the spiritually abused or any disagreement among Christians. I keep trying to explain that Jesus is not giving Jews here carte blanche to use each other or do harm to each other because the one harmed has to be meek and consistently take it.
That makes no sense!
Instead, we need to remember the Roman occupiers and the religious leaders when reading.
Wow, LOVED this! Now that I am out of the fog, I am sometimes embarrassed that I could not see these things but know that a good part of that was false teaching I had believed over the years. When you hear something often enough, it becomes “truth”.
This is a new thought on this that I wanted feedback on: it seems that an assumption can be made here that Jesus is suggesting / saying / proving that some sins ARE greater than others, not for salvation sake, but for human relationship sake? So maybe this should be used to counteract the “sin-leveling” tactic as well? Since He is talking to hypocrites (false “believers”) can we also use it to illustrate to true believers that not all sins are equal?
Yes, Debby. And also recall Jesus’ rebuke of these people, showing some sins are worse than others —
Thank you!!!
Thanks for the insight here. I do have a question, however. When you say that abusers are:
….do you mean that they are so entrenched in justifying their own evil that they consistently refuse to see past it, or do you mean that they simply don’t have the ability? Or is it something else? Could there be a variety of answers?
That’s a question I’ve heard for years and I believe that it muddies a lot of water for abuse victims. It boils down, I think, to whether or not they have lost the ability to distinguish between good and evil or if they have no ability to choose to do or not to do evil things. To my knowledge there are very, very few psychiatric or medical conditions that would deprive someone of the ability to know that they are committing an evil act and those conditions are so severe that the patient wouldn’t be able to function normally in any other areas of life (employment, shopping, paying bills or taxes, keeping house, travel, etc.). That a person who hurts others justifies that to himself (“she didn’t make dinner the way I like so it’s OK to hit her”) or doesn’t think of it as evil (“it’s good for people to know when they’re wrong so it’s OK to scream at them in public”) doesn’t mean that he is not responsible for the harm he causes. God made each of us with a conscience so we have no excuse when we sin.
Here are some things Lundy Bancroft says in his book Why Does He DO That? [Affiliate link] which pertain to those questions.
I actually have come to believe that abusers absolutely know right from wrong, they just don’t care. The tactics might come automatically to them, as they’ve been well-practiced and worked well in the past.
This is kind of how I see it….if an abuser didn’t realize his way of thinking, entitlement, desire to control, win, lying, etc. were so wrong….then he wouldn’t put so much effort into to trying to hide it from others. So yes, I fully think that most abusers know good from evil, but again….they just don’t care.
And another quote from Bancroft’s book [Affiliate link] which sheds light on your questions, Keening.
This always makes me think of Harry Potter when they realize Voldemort has made numerous horcruxes [Internet Archive link]1 that tear the soul apart. The only way to “put his soul back together”….to be a real person again, is for him to recognize the evil he has done and be truly remorseful, which would put him back together but also be horrible to face.
I am not describing it well. But whenever I re-read Harry Potter, this part reminds me of why abusers tend to stay where they are, they do not want to face the reality of what they have done and who they really are. They like the reality they have created. It is difficult to look at truth.
1[October 15, 2022: We added the link to Wikipedia’s page Magical objects in Harry Potter. Scroll down the page to find a more detailed explanation of horcruxes. The Internet Archive link is a copy of that page. Editors.]
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Thank you, Barbara, Surviving Freedom, Not Really Scared Anymore, & Suzanne. You all have helped to clarify. The subject of abuse is so very complex, but the bottom line is that at some point, a choice / decision is made by the abuser to habitually harm his victim(s). (I especially appreciated Surviving Freedom’s point about going to such great lengths to hide the truth.) And Lundy Bancroft’s book is a life-changing resource. Thanks, Barbara, for bringing that into the mix.
It’s interesting, reading these Bancroft quotes so long after the first time I read them. New observations are sprung.
For instance, while I was at the first counseling center for women whose partners had revealed infidelity, the facilitators introduced what I now refer to The Power of the Ampersand. They assisted us women in joining together two opposing thoughts / concepts. It is natural to do so using the word “but”. For example: “I love my husband but he cheated on me.” or “I understand what my husband has done but I just don’t know if I can forgive him or stay married to him.”
They encouraged us to consider the power of using “and” in our sentences. Doing so allows us to pull together two opposing thoughts in place them firmly in our reality. “Yes I love my husband AND he has cheated on me.” “I understand what he has done AND I’m just not sure I can forgive him or stay married to him.”
When we use the word “but” it cancels out the validity of the first phrase and the focus subtly shifts to the second half of the phrase – elevating it in our mind. The word “and” is an equalizer. A lot of good has been done in my life by paying attention to how I use these two words. A lot of good grieving and accepting the truth of my reality – whatever that is for me.
In Mr Bancroft’s example — the tactic of conflicting and contradictory attitudes of abusers — his statements made using the word “but” are perfect. We can look at each example provided and reduce it down to the entitlement issue by canceling out the first half, which simply leaves the “true” attitude behind.
When seen in the second half (after the “but”) it is clear – isn’t it? And revealing.
Another interesting place I have paid attention to this use between “and” and “but” is in the Bible. So far, I’ve not found an example that fails.
Here is one example to ponder:
What is the focus:
Why? Because Christ’s death has canceled our sin. Just as the word “but” cancels:
What a beautiful thing.
WOW!
Thank you, Charis! I’ve never heard this before — and it is so true.
If this was really true, SHE should never have to feel bad in a relationship, especially since she did not do anything wrong — other than his PERCEIVED (made up excuse for his behavior) idea of something he wanted to believe she did.
Yes, yes, yes!!!! How often have I heard this thrown in my face?? Time and again, that and the grace thing….”greasy grace” as I have heard it called….I am so sick of all Scripture twisting used as another weapon of destruction against abuse victims….thank you so much for clarifying this twisting of Scripture….
Again, thank you so much for this clear teaching, Pastor Jeff! This kind of twisted thinking permeates all sectors of society. Even as a child in grade school, and both my daughter’s years in school, bullies were rampant, but it was only the child who fought back and called them out that were [was] chastised and scolded “that’s not nice!”.
The “un-niceness” of the perpetrator’s mean and provocatory actions went completely unacknowledged and unpunished, and the victim gets no justice.
Like it says in Isaiah chapter 5:20:
We are living in a dark fog it seems, where the majority are completely blind to the danger — and warfare — going on all around us.
Thank you!!
“Do not judge” twisted to mean “assume the best of the wicked and assume the worst of the innocent”.
Seen in this light, the truth and the revelation of God’s heart is so clear, I wonder how I missed it. As always, thank you….
I find it outright disturbing how much of Scripture is yanked out of context, with audiences changed, while those who do so insist they’re the ones being consistent with the context.
All part of psychological projection and gaslighting, I suppose.
Thank you for preaching the truth….God bless!
Hi, Rose, welcome to the blog. 🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
Yes, I was often told (or had read in ‘C’hristian marriage articles) “don’t judge,” and “you need to check your own heart first,” with the above Scripture being used to justify the stance.
What I’ve now come to understand:
—That even people attempting to be helpful but are naive, are wrongly judging those who are actually attempting to use godly discernment that we are specifically given in His Word.
—That often the people who are using this Scripture and many others, need to be applying them to themselves rather than admonishing those who are attempting to seek the truth or gain understanding and help for the evil they are faced with.
I’ve really began to see how many people will use teachings from the Bible that are meant to help those being oppressed and they actually use them against the oppressed and then further use them to justify or enable evil. It is disheartening, and at times seems hopeless. Thank God for sites like this one and a (very) few others that actually can see abusers for what they really are.
We make judgments everyday so when we are told to “never judge,” it sends us into a confusion. After all, we want to do what is good. I just looked up the word “discernment” and it said “the ability to judge well.”
Very good observations, Abby.
This is a life saver. Married to a deceptive, called himself a believer, man. I had Scripture used against me for most of my marriage. I was told the man was head of me even if it hurt myself and my children emotionally. I was told God knew and He would take care of us. My husband was to come first. I unwittingly made myself and my children into victims. I empowered an evil man who by his actions did not even care about us, only himself. I have had to ask for forgiveness for I think, making an idol out of him. Yes I was misled but I still feel bad about doing it, and believing it.
Tracey:
I really encourage you to read as much as you can about the true nature of abusers, read this site, read material by Lundy Bancroft and Dr. George Simon Jr. Check out the resource pages for more reading.
For a long time, through misguided theories concerning victims of abuse, I believed I had a part to play in “allowing” (even without being aware I was) the abuse to happen. Even though I can slip into guilt or old thinking patterns, I do now know that I had no part to play in the abuse except that I was the target of it. I really needed to take a long time and consider all of the ways that I attempted to avoid his behaviors and even take a stand for myself in spite of the subtle shaming or punishments I intuitively knew would occur. Then I needed to carefully think about all the ways he would manipulate, twist experiences, or shame me for taking those stands or setting boundaries. No matter what I did, his abuse increased.
I also know, for myself, there was a time when I sought ‘C’hristian help for some of the things I was experiencing, and I was greatly misled. I, too, needed to ask forgiveness for putting my trust in man’s interpretation of Scripture rather than trusting God to show me the truth, and yes I too made an idol out of marriage and my husband. But, I do know in my heart, that I was earnestly seeking to be a godly wife….and that earnest desire to be faithful was turned and twisted against me, used by the abuser to continue in his evil. Did I sin? Absolutely! But I think of Jesus words in Luke 23:34 – Jesus said:
I know now where I sinned and I am careful to not do it again. But I do truly believe that God has grace and mercy on the victims of abuse. I have experienced it myself, once the fog and deception started to lift….God was right there, putting things in my path, to show me His truth. At times I refused (and sometimes still do), or found it exhausting, to hear God’s truth and follow it, but He is continually working on me. At times I step off the path (but it’s getting less and less often), then I usually end up stubbing my toe on a rock or stepping on a sharp weed which work as a great reminder or warning that I’ve gone astray.
Well said! You are talking about how victims always resist abuse. When violence or oppression is occurring, victim resistance is ever present. Many people don’t recognise all the ways the oppressed resist being oppressed. Allan Wade and his colleagues at Response Based Practice talk about the importance of elucidating and honouring victims’ resistance.
Here are the resources we most often recommend on this topic:
Honouring Resistance — a wonderful resource for understanding abuse
I was told the same thing by the church, Tracey, but did not realize at the time [that] like you, I was following twisted Scripture.
They caused me to submit to my husband’s harsh ruling, as if somehow it might change him, but even if it didn’t, they said God would somehow be pleased with my tolerance of his abuse.
I would have never stayed with my abuser if I had known the real truth in God’s Word, and neither (I think) would you. We wouldn’t have put our children through any of that if we knew the truth.
And for this – we need not carry the guilt that goes along with the damage of raising your family with an abuser. God knew our heart and He knows that we were unknowingly duped and gaslighted by our abuser and the church acted as his ally. And since God looks upon the heart, He knew we had good intentions.
Those twisted Scriptures once delivered to our trusting hearts, will no longer have the power to deceive us.
Yes indeed, Stands for Truth. 🙂
For readers who haven’t seen them yet, here are two posts on Twisted Scripture:
Thursday Thought — Untwisting Scriptures Used Against Abuse Victims
Twisted Bible verses found in the Patriarchal Bible
Jeff,
Thank you! You have saved my life. I am now on a road to recovery. I was abused for years by my bf who is on the worship team at church.
Hi, Jan, welcome to the blog. 🙂 We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
If a man is revealed to be keeping slaves I have no doubt there would be outrage. A man who enslaves his wife with abuse is no different.
Abuse and slavery have a lot in common. Both begin with a decision to exert power and control over another for one’s own benefit. It is tacitly encouraged by others who turn a blind eye — blaming the victim, not wanting to get involved, choosing not to see it, etc.
What is amazing is this power and control attitude of my husband’s comes from a man who can’t keep a job and is lazy beyond belief. If he’s so great why doesn’t he turn all his greatness into doing something good and helpful? I believe it’s because deep down he knows the truth about himself and abusing me is his cover for that truth.
Yes. Domestic abuse is a capture crime. Those are the words of Evan Stark, author of the book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life [Affiliate link].
I’ve been slowly reading this book and will be writing a post or posts about it at some point. It is a good book, but very dense reading because it’s aimed at professionals who have worked for years in the DV sector. It’s not aimed at victims / survivors; but a victim-survivor who is willing to read academic / professional discourse could get valuable things out of it.
Should I expose this sin to an Elder to try to get help? I have been going through all of these things.
This is such a difficult question, and really does depend on the attitude of those at the church you belong. I chose not to expose the abuse to Elders or pastors. I had to carefully reflect on the attitude the church had in the things they taught concerning marriage. Also for me, I had sought help at the church for ‘marital concerns’ in the past and was given the generic….”pray more, forgive more, love more, seek out your own heart and ask God to show you how you may become a better wife”, etc. Also attitudes of submission and leadership within a marriage were not in line with Christ-like attitudes.
I have read so many accounts of much more damage being done to the victim when she exposes it to the church, so it’s a place I think needs to be considered carefully. One question I had asked myself when I first started seeing the marriage for what it was: “Has anyone in the past sought help from the church concerning abuse?” In my case there was no one that I knew of still in the church. There was one couple that the wife had divorced the husband and she did say he was abusive. I don’t know if she sought help or if the church got involved, but I do know that she went to a different church and he continued to attend the one I was going to. This was a red flag for me.
I think it’s important to look for red flags in any help or support I find. I start out small to check the reaction first.
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What about sending an anonymous letter?
Jan;
I think I may have jumped to conclusions. I had assumed that your question about going to the Elders was concerning an abusive spouse. Now that I’ve re-read I’m thinking it was concerning abuse from your bf who is on the worship team at your church. Are there any others who have experienced this from your bf that would be willing to approach an Elder with you?
Sadly, no. It’s just been me. I honestly believe he’s a psychopath. The last time he physically hurt me was on Tuesday. I had to file an order of protection from abuse.
Jan, since you have filed an order of protection against him — I think it may be a good idea to show the order to the Elders, so they know that a man on their worship team has a protection order against him.
But if you do show it to them, stiffen your spine, expect them to be suspicious of you, work out a concise way of telling them the basic facts of what he did to you (without getting emotional or rambling if you can help it, as the Elders are likely to misconstrue any emotion and verbosity on your part as an indication that you are a bit crazy….).
If they treat you well, then it will be a bonus. But if they treat you with suspicion or disbelief, you will already be prepared for it by having mentally thickened your skin while you are telling them.
Not that you are crazy, Jan, but I just know how church leaders tend to react when women report domestic abuse. 😦
And btw, the term ‘domestic abuse’ also covers boyfriend / girlfriend relationships.
He compartmentalizes his life. That way no one knows who he really is and he hides behind the church. Should I be concerned of being accused of slander if I show Pastor the pfa [Protection From Abuse]?
Jan – I would not trust a pastor to reveal these things to unless he has shown himself plainly to be a protector of the victim and an enemy of abusers.
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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I second what Jeff said. And since the abuser has so easily hoodwinked the Associate Pastor / Music Team Leader, you have clear evidence that the Associate Pastor is NOT a protector of victims. That Associate Pastor has shown you by his behavior that far from being an enemy of abusers, he is an ally of abusers. Whether he is just naive and therefore unaware that the abuser has recruited him as an ally, or whether he is aware and is wittingly colluding with the abuser, makes very little difference. He is UNSAFE.
And since the Associate Pastor is unsafe, that suggests the Senior Pastor is likely to be unsafe too. You may already have some experience of how the Senior Pastor responds to disclosures of abuse. Even tiny red flags are good evidence, don’t dismiss ‘little’ things you have seen and noticed in the way those pastors behave. The ‘little’ acts and omissions and tones of voice often reveal the heart of a man. Like the tip of the iceberg.
Yes, there is a fair chance you would be accused of slander (or malicious ‘gossip’) if you show the pastor the PFA. That is why I talked about stiffening your spine.
The decision whether or not to tell the pastor is up to you. There are real risks for you if you do tell the pastor. Many of us have been hurt by unjust pastoral responses.
The fact is, the guy who was your bf is dangerous. If a malignant person like him who disguises himself behind such a godly mask is in a church, and especially if he has been given a place of responsibility like being on the music team, that church is a dangerous place because it is NOT seeing the wolf amongst the flock. If it is not detecting one wolf among the flock, the chances are it is not detecting other wolves in the flock. There may be many malignant people in the church passing themselves off as believers, because they are skilled at lying (like your bf is). So….my suggestion to you is: weigh up the risks for yourself, follow your gut feeling, and consider all options, including leaving the church.
Evangelical Christendom is rotting on the vine. In our experience, there are many churches where they are naive about evil and many where they are even complying with or cooperating with evil — and in some churches the leadership are actively committing evil from the very top leadership down, so it’s often very hard to find a safer church. Some of our readers have found a relatively safe church, many have not.
Sorry for all the bad news.
Bottom line: trust your gut feeling / intuition, it is very likely the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
I have went to the Assoc Pastor (the leader of the worship team) for help before to try to get us counseling and he told my ex and I received a beating and my ex just told him I was crazy.
I suggest you immediately dump this bf if you haven’t already done so. He is clearly an abuser. Abusers lie. Abusers falsely accuse their victims. Abusers retaliate on their victim when the victim discloses the abuse. This man is TYPICAL of abusers: he is doing everything they do, exactly on script. They all seem to read from the same playbook, which makes sense because they are of their father the devil. I suggest you get out of the relationship before he intimidates you even more!
I’m writing this after writing my other comment a few moments ago. I suggest you don’t trust the Associate pastor or any of the other pastors: they are clueless about how to handle abuse! They won’t help you. If you show them the PFA they are likely to talk to the bf about it, and the bf will retaliate even more on you.
I suggest you also look up the links on our Safety Planning page.
Hi, Jan,
I know your question was about speaking to an Elder, rather than choosing a counselor, but I think this post may still give you food for thought. And there are a lot of links at the bottom of the post for further reading.
Choosing & Assessing a Counselor
I believe that the further one walks into evil, the more one is blinded and the more lies one believes. It’s a cascade effect. One can walk out of that but one has to want to and be willing to be honest with oneself no matter what it costs.
You are right, Debbie. When I look back, I realize now that I had participated in evil, but I had to walk away from the evil to see it. It became clear over time. For me it was a big event, my husband held a gun to my head and shortly after that I walked away. If that hadn’t happened I don’t know how long I would have stayed in the craziness.
Please be careful:
—is a blanket statement and incorrect as it implies codependency, another false comment and choice which ‘slaves’ do not have and more. It also once again blames a victim implying choice they did not make or have. A few targets may have chosen to ‘participate’ in evil, but most did not instead they found themselves facing evil and resisting evil as it attempts to surround and overpower. (See the resistance posts above.) No one says slaves chose to walk into evil. Just look at Mideast current events and human trafficking. As many in this blog have pointed out the church has done a superb job of misinformation on the whole domestic relations scene and many got married under false pretenses of the abuser pretending to be something else. A ‘Christian’ is always facing evil crouching and waiting to devour as opposed to seeking out evil to companionship with it (Genesis and 1 Peter, Jeff has whole sermon series on evil, Barbara and Jeff have numerous posts on this.).
Lastly, the assumption keeps getting made or ‘shoulded’ as B.R. [Barbara Roberts] would say on targets that they would not have been targets had they…. “Trusted God more….” “Asked for wisdom…” “Used their brain to think for themselves….” People can be doing that and still God allows it to happen repeatedly in Scripture NT and OT, as in the case of king Ahab killing an innocent man for his property….further on one finds out God did not forget that and repaid the evil king and justly so. As Jeff points out there will come a day, God will remember injustices done to His children….
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Some days the only thought that keeps me going is knowing that God’s justice, though it may be delayed from our human viewpoint, is inevitable. And it’s this knowledge that protects us from the temptation to take vengeance in our own power, a thing that never works well and is actually theft since God has told us, “vengeance is Mine. I will repay.”
Sorry, ContextandPerception, I should have said that I was speaking for myself. Please accept my apology. I really don’t want to seem as if I participated in evil knowingly, so I will try to explain. My husband was a liar. He told lies, not just about me and our relationship, but about many things and many people. It was not until I was out of the relationship that much of that became clear. There was one person that I went to seeking the truth and I ended up learning that things were much different than I believed and I owed her an apology. That’s it. That was my big participation in evil. If I am honest, I can’t put the complete blame on my lying husband. Hopefully, now that I explained my situation and what was meant by my comment you all won’t feel like “evil participators.” So sorry, guys.
I’m not sure if this is the best place to put this, but a book that has helped me tremendously is called, “Mending the Soul”, by Steven R. Tracy. (Subtitle: “Understanding and healing abuse”.)
I grew up in a Christian home where the Bible was read daily, but never realized that there was so much abuse recorded in the Bible. This book points out Biblical examples of abuse, as well as the different types of abuse, and how they pervert God’s truths. (i.e. — Abuse is a perversion of the image of God — if a child has an abusive father, the child will grow up with an incorrect view of God — one who stands in judgement over him, rather than seeing Him as a loving father.)
This book helps you realize that you are not the only one dealing with abuse, and shows you how people in the Bible dealt with / how they reacted to abuse.
Yes, we recommend that Mending the Soul on the Resources section. It is very Scriptural and very compassionate to victims / survivors. It focuses perhaps mostly on sexual abuse. The chapter on Forgiveness is probably the best thing I’ve read on forgiveness.
We also recommend the website Mending the Soul.
I agree on not blaming the victim in finding herself in such a predicament when she finally realises she is cohabitating with a full blown abuser. The abuser has strategicly undermined her over time with his arsenal of tactics to keep her confused.
With me after decades of believing the fault was with me (because of my damaged self-esteem, and the churches refusal to validate my pain), it was a HUGE awakening when I found a book that described, and put words to what I was going through. It was as if someone validated for the first time, that what I was living in was TOXIC and abusive, and that abuse was designed to keep me from understanding that truth. For the first time I realized that I was not at fault. It was so liberating to shed off the layers of shame and guilt, as I read count after count of covertly disguised tactics in the book that incredibly mirrored what I had been living through.
After reading the book I knew and understood that I was in a predicament that was not my fault due to the character disorder of my abuser. This realization was empowering for me to adjust my thinking from that point on, and to start making plans to extricate myself from the situation. Knowledge is power, and unless the victim has the knowledge that she is a target of abuse, she has no idea that it is not her fault. (Like she is being gaslighted to believe.)
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In the state where I live, it is law that most statements made in a judicial proceeding, such as in an application for a PFA, are not slanderous / defamatory, and are not actionable as slander / defamation. There are exceptions to this general rule.
Just found this out.
And revealing this has been very heavy on my heart. I feel it would be wrong if I knowingly know these things but don’t bring them to light.
Jan, you said:
I admire your highly sensitive conscience. But beware of acting in such a proactively conscientious way that you put yourself in higher risk of abuse from the abuser.
I think your safety comes first. You have already tried to reveal your bf’s violence to the Assoc Pastor and it backfired on you badly because the foolish Assoc Pastor spoke to the abuser and the abuser “paid you back’ with more violence. If you show the leadership the PFA, there is a strong chance the same thing will happen again.
So, my advice is read our Safety Planning page, get yourself into a situation of safety where the abuser cannot find you or use indirect means to retaliate against you, and then and only then you might (only might) want to consider exposing him to the church leaders. But be aware that abusers are often so determined to retaliate on their victims for leaving them and for exposing them to authorities, that leaving an abuser is a time of increased risk for the victim.
Your Assoc Pastor has pretty much zero understanding of the risks a victim of domestic abuse faces. Yes, men like him need to be educated, but they often don’t think they need education and they resist anyone who attempts to open their eyes to how ignorant they are about the dynamics of domestic abuse and the wickedness of abusers.
Thank you guys for the advice. How do we as abuse victims stand up for ourselves and bring light to the abusers then? How do we then prevent this from happening to others? Because I know if my ex does this to someone else I will feel soooo guilty because I didn’t speak out.
Jan, of course, it’s up to you how you deal with this dilemma. 🙂 It’s not up to us to tell you what to do. All we can offer are suggestions and cautions based on our own experiences. My suggestion is to give consideration to the option of you speaking out about what he did to you after you are away from him and are safe.
I don’t think it’s a victim’s responsibility to prevent their abuser from hurting others, a victim’s job is to protect themselves and heal. I know that my ex will probably keep on exploiting others for as long as he lives, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I did speak out to people who had the power to do something, but they ALL refused to believe me, and some of them joined forces with him to cause me more harm. It’s possible for a victim to speak out about abusers in general, and to help others that way. But it’s usually not possible to warn people about your own abuser because they have so many allies who are invested in making you look as if you are crazy or lying.
I think I was feeling a bit too discouraged yesterday. Abusers need to be exposed and it’s a very good thing to do that. Just difficult that’s all.
Ya I was discouraged by what you said. 😦
What if I kept the truth of who he was hidden and I could’ve saved his next victim from being hurt very badly or even killed? I would feel awful. I [would] at least feel I did something right if I could just save or help one person.
Jan – I’m so sorry for making you feel discouraged. I was having a low day and I feel now that I was being too cynical. I regret that, because I know you are asking extremely important questions. I admire your concern for future potential victims and your courage in being willing to speak out. What I really meant to say was that I don’t think anyone should feel guilty if they’ve tried to warn people but those people don’t listen. Maybe one of the answers is to find people who do listen?
🙂
It’s ok. Thank you for apologizing. I’ve had those days myself. 🙂
Hi, guys! Barb, I have listened to Pastor Jeff’s 21 sermons on abuse and have bought the book but just started it. I am also seeing a domestic abuse counselor. Are there any suggestions of sermons by him to help me with healing.
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
***
Regarding sermons by Jeff that might help with healing, he doesn’t have a series with that specific title.
But our experience is that as people come to:
—understand the tactics and mindset of domestic abusers, and
—gradually come to see through the lies and the distorted or even totally un-Biblical doctrine they have been taught by the ‘C’hristian community, and
—have an opportunity to share their experiences with other survivors (as they can do on this blog),
….they often testify that they are healing.
Healing may not ever be ‘total’ — there will still be scars, reminders, triggers, and insuperable consequences in one’s life and the life of one’s children, but a large measure of healing is certainly possible — especially for those who are in Christ. Because HE is the Wonderful Counselor.
Thank you so much. You guys on here have been a blessing for me. Lots of love.
Verses that I also get thrown at me by professing Christian in-laws is “not one is righteous, no not one”, and “God is merciful”, and “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and “mercy triumphs over judgment.”….all as a way to excuse sin.
I have gained a wealth of knowledge from this site and am SO appreciative of the time and attention to detail in explaining the CORRECT meaning of God’s Word that has been used against many of us time and time again. I am looking for the post about “turning the other cheek.” That was used again last week and I need to brush up on it! I also wanted to share something I believe God put on my heart that has opened my eyes to why living with an abuser is SO incredibly difficult.
I heard a comment on talk radio the other day. I wasn’t really listening, but this one phrase caught my attention: “The aggressor determines the rules.” (I think they were talking about terrorism.) For some reason it stuck in my brain and has been rolling around in there. These are some truths I learned from it. In the wild, there are carnivores and herbivores. The herbivores would happily go about their business of eating grass, never bothering anybody, being at peace, getting in a few tiffs over some tufts but mostly moving through life, being helpful and not hurting others. Unfortunately, the carnivores (the aggressors) have other plans. Does it do any good for the herbivore to say, “Can’t we just all get along?” The answer is “no”. Why? Because “the aggressor sets the rules.”
I thought of a bully on the playground (I’ll bring it a little closer to home for us). Can the victim just say, “Can’t we just all get along?” The answer is “no”. Why? Because “the aggressor determines the rules.” So what is a “get-along” person (a normal, healthy, compromising, cooperating, give-and-take person) to do? CAN we just “get along?” No. Why? Because the aggressor (the one who controls) determines the rules.
Just like in the wild, when an aggressor surfaces, we have only 3 options at that point: Fight, flight or freeze. So I thought about those for awhile.
Fight: Rising to the same level of aggression. 1) This can be extremely difficult for a target who has been beaten down and has little sense of worth. 2) This can be extremely DANGEROUS for some. 3) We are taught in church that to stand up for yourself or to “fight back” even if done in a respectful manner, is “unChristian.” Women are taught, “that’s not ladylike, or Proverbs 31 or attractive or submissive”, yada yada yada. So even GETTING to the “Yes, I’m willing to fight” option is highly unlikely, at least before desperation and complete brokenness has finally happened.
Flight: Leaving. 1) See #1 above. 2) See #2 above. 3) No resources. 4) logistics for children. 5) We are taught in church that to leave a spouse is “unGodly, uncalled for, unChristian, cursed, wrong, not Biblical”, yada yada yada. So even GETTING to the “Yes, I’m willing to leave” often entails having what feels like the whole world against you (that’s a lie, by the way. There are LOTS of people who care about you and will help you!).
So that leaves….FREEZE: Unmoving, unfeeling, trapped, give him what he wants, do what he wants, think how he says to think, acquiesce, make excuses for him, say you were wrong and sorry even if you did nothing wrong.
In a healthy relationship, there is no aggressor! These 3 options are not necessary because reason and compromise and meeting of minds is the norm.
But there is no reasoning with an aggressor (“Please, Wolf, don’t eat me! Can’t we just all get along?”). There is no compromising with an aggressor (“I have all the power and you don’t so why SHOULD I compromise?!”). There is no meeting of the minds after a civil conversation of equals (“It’s my way or the highway!”) and yet what do all the “marriage books” tell us? Reason. Compromise. Come to a meeting of the minds. These marriage experts would do well to learn a lesson from nature.
When the bunny follows all their great advice on how to get along with a wolf….the wolf eats it.
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So true!
Thank you, Debby, for this valuable analogy. It makes crystal clear what it’s like to try and reason with a completely unreasonable person! Even as a child I remember being told by teachers and other adults to “give in, let it slide, be nice, keep the peace” etc. etc. etc. when I was wronged. It’s really no wonder I stayed in an abusive marriage for 30+ years – I was very well trained!
Jeff, I kept thinking of this very thing the past few days, so I’m glad I came across this post (I like to read the old posts).
When Jesus was talking to the hypocrites in this Bible verse (Matthew 7), I kept thinking of this, that He is putting the responsibility square on the shoulders of the evil ones, and He was showing us that He was NOT including us (His children) in this lambasting.
I pretend that I am there while He is preaching this (Matthew 7), and I picture myself watching Jesus, looking at who He’s looking at while He is talking, and I would be looking at their reactions. My spirit is one that is easily humbled and Jesus would have known this. Have you ever been at a church service where the preacher is hurling something at the audience, including all of us in his diatribe? Jesus wasn’t like this and He would WANT THOSE OF US WHO BELONGED TO HIM TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHO HE WAS TALKING TO AND HOW THEY WERE REACTING TO THE TRUTH.
These are STANDARDS Jesus is pointing out — and capabilities that we should all be able to implement. Along with the Beatitudes, we can take these standards and capabilities and use them to help us see the truth and the nature of others. If a person is unable (because willfully resistant) to SEE their own faults….this is who Jesus is lambasting.
My husband cannot see inside himself at all. He is done cooking you see. He has a seared conscience so he is completely done in the sense that he will never be able to mature, learn wisdom or become good. He is twice dead. Using Matthew 7, if I’d been trained to use it as a standard instead of having it used against me to keep me from discerning, I could have seen my husband for what he was and avoided him.
One time when we were fighting and he was doing his usual accusing me, I handed him a hand mirror and told him — like in “Silence of the Lambs” when Clarice tells [Internet Archive link]1 the psychopath:
—to point all his accusations at himself. He got violently angry and threw the mirror at me as I was walking away but God was able to use this moment to reveal that my husband was incapable of seeing himself as he truly was.
Decades ago my mom was with us at an amusement park, and at the end of the day she noted to me that my husband was always staring at me, that he seemed to be looking for my approval. She WAS right that my husband CONSTANTLY WATCHES ME in a slithery, creepy way — but not to seek my approval. He, like my sister years ago, watches me intently in order to try to copy me. Their rendition of me is so CREEPY because they can never truly achieve my essence, but they think that if they just try hard enough, they can pull it off. They HATE me intensely but they know others are drawn to me, so they think that if they successfully mimic me, they will be able to gain new victims. People are drawn to me because Jesus lives in my heart.
When Jesus tells us later in Matthew 7 that we will know them by their fruits, it’s because we are supposed to have nothing to do with them, we are not to prop them up or let them sidle in next to us or to remain hidden, but we are to absolutely refuse to let them in, and when they no longer have kind-hearted people to hide behind, they can then be seen for just what they are. (Most ‘expert’ Christian leaders tell us to prop them up under the guise of a holy marriage. So Evil!)
And the last verses are so awesome,
Yeah, cuz THEIR teachers of the Law were the ones Jesus was yelling at to take the log out of their own eye.
1[October 17, 2022: We added the link to a page containing the quote from Silence of the Lambs that Raped By Evil quoted. The Internet Archive link is a copy of that page. Editors.]
This is a great post [comment], RBE, so full of wisdom. Thank you for sharing this.
Exellent observations, RBE, I believe that ENVY also is a motive of the abuser….(other than hate and contempt of their victim). Abusers cannot reproduce the sincerity and the “flowing pureness of heart” (that comes from the Spirit of Christ) of their targets, so they are constantly trying to diminish them, or one-up them with their words and actions….
This should be an awareness flag to the believer that she has something extremely valuable within her that the abuser has to keep fighting like the devil to diminish or undermine….If he is trying this hard to discourage her within her bondage, can you imagine how powerful her testimony will be once she becomes untethered?
Thank you, Suzanne and Standsfortruth, for your encouragement! Like all of us here, I need it! God doesn’t show me (us) these truths to hide them away, but rather to hand to His other children to help them gain wisdom that they (for once) didn’t have to learn first hand.
You stated it perfectly, Standsfortruth, that ENVY is one of their motivating factors. My sister actually revealed herself by saying that while we were growing up, she was always so jealous of me. Of course this was years before I knew about psychopathy, but God had so many of these statements she made to me earmarked in my brain so that as He was waking me up, I’d see the truth of their meaning.
And this part,
Standsfortruth, THIS SHOULD BE TAUGHT TO ALL GOD’S CHILDREN — this truth so that as they are being attacked, instead of retreating within themselves and blaming themselves they can LOOK INTENTLY AT THE ACCUSER and see if this accuser is of the devil or is trained to behave this way. This too is another thing I now do; when I’m accused, I IMMEDIATELY look at the accuser with new eyes….and ask God to show me the truth about them and to not let me be deceived and that He not allow me to deceive myself either.
And of course this “envy” is described in the Bible, Romans 1:29:
FULL OF to the exclusion of ANYTHING good. The word for “envy” here means:
—decay, break-down, corrupt
—strong feeling (desire) that sours, due to the influence of sin
—the miserable trait of being GLAD when someone experiences misfortune or pain
—the jealous envy that negatively “energizes” someone with an embittered mind
—displeasure at another’s good
—without longing to raise oneself to the level of him whom he envies, but only to depress the envied to his own level
(5355. phthonos [Internet Archive link])
The Bible SAYS EVERYTHING BETTER than the way the world says it. The meanings of these words that describe people without a conscience are SO RIGHT ON TARGET. I’ve often thought that if I ever had the chance to ask Dr. Hare or other experts on psychopathy what they think of the Bible’s way of describing psychopaths; if they would agree with these truths. I would love to SEE their reactions to see if they were amazed by these perfect descriptions of them; how PERFECTLY evil ones are described to us by God.
—German language has a word for this: Schadenfreude [Internet Archive link]1.
1[October 19, 2022: We added the link to Wikipedia’s page on the word “Schadenfreude”. The Internet Archive link is a copy of that page. Editors.]