A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Thursday Thought — Victims invariably resist violence and other forms of abuse

Alongside each history of violence there runs a parallel history of prudent, determined, and often creative resistance.

The manner in which victims resist depends on the unique combination of dangers and opportunities present in their particular circumstances. Victims typically take into account that perpetrators will become even more violent for any act of defiance. Consequently, open defiance by victims is the least common form of resistance. In extreme circumstances the only possibility for resistance may be in the privacy afforded by the mind.

Too frequently, victims’ resistance is recognized or treated as significant only when it is successful in stopping or preventing the perpetrators’ violence. We maintain that this is an entirely inappropriate criterion. Victims resist in a myriad of ways that are not successful in stopping the violence but nevertheless are profoundly important as expressions of dignity and self-respect.

From the article Language and Violence: Analysis of Four Discursive Operations, by Linda Coates & Allan Wade


  1. Dale Ingraham @ Speaking Truth In Love Ministries
  2. Herjourney

    How terribly devastating in resisting abuse when the victim is a stranger to her own children.
    This message rings clear for those caught in a web of deception.
    Today many are dealing with loneliness and loss.
    As I ponder on the meaning of Thanksgiving in America today.
    I am thankful that Jesus paid the cost for my salvation!
    That he is the only one who can set the captive free.
    In doing so in abusive marriages.
    I am reminded of scripture.
    The word of God will bring division.
    God did not come to bring peace but a sword. Matthew 10:34-38
    The sword is Gods word.
    May we all continue to fight the GOOD fight of our faith.
    Pray for our enemies.
    Surrender our will to His.
    Do the work that God has called us to do.
    Endure until the end.
    For those who do.. Will reap eternal salvation.

    • Anonymous

      On this Thanksgiving day I am thankful for so much but above all, I’m thankful for the gift of faith. I was just reading today, and thanking God for wisdom, and wanted to share this from Jan Silvious: I have learned that anytime I start asking myself, “What am I going to do?” I have one safe place to go. James 1:5 advises me, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God”. That can sound pat, but it really isn’t; it is profound. When you ask God for wisdom, you are admitting, I am out of wisdom myself. My supply is exhausted. I cannot reason my way out of this one. In the great scheme of things, this is the most wonderful place you can be. This is when God shines brightest in your life. When the background of the situation is the blackest, the diamond of God’s wisdom sparkles clearest. And Barbara, thank you for directing us to Nehemiah… how he rebuilt the walls in Jerusalem. As survivors of abuse, we are having to rebuild our walls too. And God promises to give us wisdom and will lead every step of the way. This promise and hope for an abuse-free future can ease the pain and suffering we have today.

    • healinginhim

      Herjourney … Also living this …

      How terribly devastating in resisting abuse when the victim is a stranger to her own children …. web of deception.

  3. surviving freedom

    This comment really sends a message, it seems to be a prevalent attitude among many people, even in the professional field:

    Too frequently, victims’ resistance is recognized or treated as significant only when it is successful in stopping or preventing the perpetrators’ violence.

    Too many times, even people who think they are being helpful, I’ve heard … “why did you stay,” “why did you allow that to happen,” “didn’t you think you deserved to be loved,” “how could you not recognize it as abuse,” along with a whole lot of other things that puts way too much responsibility on the target. I’ve come to learn, through reading other peoples accounts as well as working through things that happened to me, no matter what we try it is not successful in stopping the abuser from abusing, they may change tactics, they may “play nice” for a while … but that’s still just a part of their abuse. I’ve come to the conclusion that if people begin asking questions like this, or if professionals or blog posters start mentioning things like “allowing” it to happen, “co-dependency,” or “lacking boundary skills,” they truly have no understanding what an abuser is all about.

    I know I resisted in many ways, and yes, even in my mind. Sometimes compliance is even a form of resistance. A lot of times it was in my mind, holding onto my own integrity in some small ways. And there were times, where something was important enough to me that I openly resisted his control in spite of being slightly aware that I would somehow pay. They may seem like small things, but for someone subject to abuse, they are not all that small.

    I think people who are targets of ongoing abuse are some of the strongest people I know. Think of all we’ve encountered, and we are still here. And the reason we resist, is because we know we are worthy of more than what the abuser and others have labelled us as. Even holding onto a tiny bit of that idea, starting with even one thing we’ve managed to hang onto in spite of being beaten down (physically / emotionally / psychologically) on a regular basis goes to show just how strong we really are.

    • Anonymous

      Surviving Freedom, I stand in awe of how you have strikingly articulated what goes on in the mind of an abuse victim and the survival methods we employ to do just that – survive!! And the comments you stated that we hear from those who really think they are being helpful, really are coming from those who have NO concept of what we are dealing with.

      While I was still with my abuser and in that insane house just trying to survive another day I recall a phone conversation with a family member hearing these words: “You are an embarrassment to this family.” I recall that night just wanting to die as I lay in bed weeping and not caring if the sun would rise in the morning. And then this, “It can’t possibly be as bad as you say or you wouldn’t still be there.” I heard so many comments made in ignorance that I did not even want to talk to family members or loved ones anymore. Hearing their comments in my broken-down mental and emotional state and then trying to explain was way beyond my ability to cope. I don’t blame most people that make these comments because they do so in ignorance; they have not encountered pure evil as we have. However, the so-called “professionals” and “churches” that turn a blind eye are nothing more than evildoer enablers.

      And what you so eloquently stated about resisting abuse if by no other way than in our minds so as to hold on to our dignity and self respect, is the sheer essence of preserving our personhood and refusing to be diminished, devalued, disrespected, dehumanized and discarded, EVEN if only in our minds. So I believe you nailed it, Surviving Freedom, we are indeed some of the strongest! And we must never forget for a moment, it is HE that protects and it is in His power we are strengthened.

      • surviving freedom

        I can really relate to:

        I heard so many comments made in ignorance that I did not even want to talk to family members or loved ones anymore. Hearing their comments in my broken-down mental and emotional state and then trying to explain was way beyond my ability to cope.

        I’m still in that stage, I talk to very few people about what I’ve experienced. I still have so many days of doubt and am “retraining” my brain to get rid of all those unwanted messages from the abuser and others. I still get so flustered when I attempt to explain or stand up for myself with those who just don’t get it. Right now I am at a stage where I attempt to avoid most situations that send me backwards and focus on only those things that help me stay grounded in the truth.

        Staying in God’s Word is really what has helped me the most, the truth of God’s Word according to the entire nature of God. And letting go of man’s twisted interpretation of snippet’s of Scripture.

        For many years I was convinced that I was failing God terribly in my marriage, I was convinced that He was not blessing my marriage due to my inability yo pray enough, submit enough, love enough … as that is what I was convinced to believe. Then it got to a point where I thought God was failing me … and that’s the lowest point I could have ever been in. But that’s when God grabbed me and pulled me up, that’s when He started to point me in the direction of the truth. It was a slow go, it took a lot of hard lessons, and I even resisted for a while. But when I look back over my entire relationship with the abuser I am thankful that God was there the whole time, when I was beat down the most, it was Him who helped me resist, it was Him who was fighting along side me, and it was Him fighting for me when I could not resist at all.

        So I absolutely agree:

        And we must never forget for a moment, it is HE that protects and it is in His power we are strengthened.

        And it is Him working through other faithful servants, people who see the truth, people who have lived it and been strengthened. People like the writers of these blog posts and the one’s who comment. I have been so strengthened by this site and the wonderful way God helps us to strengthen each other.

  4. Innoscent

    It seems to me that domestic violence is the extreme form of persecution because the perpetrator is not the unknown guy out of nowhere, no, no, he is your very spouse! in your very home! in your very intimacy! in your very church! even a ‘Christian’! A direct agent of Satan himself.

    This extreme form of persecution calls for an extreme way of resisting. I thank God for the supernatural strength He gives to victims. I know it is a miracle I am still alive after a lifetime of abuse by close relatives, their allies, neutral and selfish people.
    In the end I know also that there will be an extreme sentence for the perpetrator and restoration for the victims as Psalm 37 puts is so beautifully. Thanks be to God!

  5. Still Scared but you can call me Cindy

    My mom, thoughtlessly, made a comment that my ex’s new girlfriend must be “influencing him to be nice” for my daughter’s visit this holiday when he apologized for one hurtful statement he made to her. I stood up for myself and explained how hurtful that statement was and that it basically stated I could not do in 17 years what this lady can do in 2 months. My mom immediately said she meant temporarily and I think she believes it herself but she has not endured abuse and doesn’t really get it so I don’t think the culture at large gets how much victims do resist and what it really looks like. (Very proud of myself for standing up and correcting her)

    • freeatlast8

      I would even suggest to your mom that had you not left the man, he might not even have an awareness that he NEEDS to be nicer and apologize for his wrongdoings. Maybe he has learned. I have wondered if my leaving my now ex will be the catalyst for change that another woman will reap the benefit of.

      • Still Scared but you can call me Cindy

        No, I don’t think so. It has been 6 years since the separation and his emails have decreased but the accusations and content are the same and he still treats the kids horribly…quick to apologize (he eagerly does that playing the “Christian”) but no change in actions and no apologies unless it is directly pointed out and then he makes excuses within the apology. So, no, my leaving, putting up strong boundaries has helped me and my kids but not effected his behavior.

    • Good for you Cindy for standing up and correcting your mum! Milestones like that give us so much courage and hope — we see how far we have come along the road of recovery. 🙂

      And the new gf’s so called ‘influence’ over your Abusive Ex. I would guess that it is nothing to do her influence over him; rather, he is just in the charming mode still with her because it’s a new relationship and he knows he can’t show all his true colours to her till he’s got her well and truly entrapped. So, tell that to your mum too, if you like.

  6. freeatlast8

    Innoscent, yes, yes, yes. The perp is your own spouse who is supposed to know you best. That’s what makes it so twisted. He knows you best. He knows exactly how to speak to the core of who you are and how to chip away at the very essence of your personhood. He does not build you up, but tears you down instead. And when that isn’t working well enough, and if he is relentless, he attacks your faith, the only SURE thing you have to stand on.

    I still have a hard time believing this is what was going on (and still is). Not only does he do this to me but to our kids, as well…the older ones anyway…the ones who are wise enough to see what is going on and who have moved themselves away from him. If it would not be too identifying, I would tell you the stuff he has said and done. But I won’t. My pastor says it is dehumanizing. And all this time, I just thought it was the way life was with him. I knew it was messed up, but figured, “Oh well, I married him. This is my lot in life, my thorn in the flesh to deal with, my cross to bear.”

    • Valerie

      I used to think that my husband was also my cross to bear. I thought that by standing up to the abuse (I didn’t call it abuse then) was tantamount to telling God He made a mistake by “putting us together” or that I was not being a good servant if I did so. However, I came to realize that I did not exegete that verse correctly. When Jesus tells us to take up our cross and follow Him, that cross is not our burden to bear. That cross is the things we must die to….things we must crucify in order to follow Him. The cross was not a burden, but a crucifixion. Just prior to this we are told we must deny ourselves. In an abusive relationship this whole process is disfigured- we do indeed die to self and we do deny ourselves….but never as God intended.

    • Innoscent

      Freeatlast8, when I fully realized what was going on (my very own H being an abuser), I too had “a hard time believing this is what was going on” (and I am sorry it still is going on for you). It is an immense paradigm shift in the victim’s mind and heart to do: from the person who was supposed to love you the most to the person who actually does NOT love you at all!
      All of a sudden you realize the archenemy is in your own camp! And you signed a treaty of alliance with him for life…! All this time you had been sharing, giving the core of you, his central intelligence being located in your own quarters, scheming against….you!
      You now have to swap everything around in your world and unlearn and unlove to relearn and resist! The hardest of all for me was to unlove him and bury the H that never existed.. 😦 A very sad personal funeral that paradoxically was the starting point for the rebirth of me.

      The cross… remember Simon of Cyrene? He represents all the victims who were compelled to carry a cross that was not theirs..!

      • The cross… remember Simon of Cyrene? He represents all the victims who were compelled to carry a cross that was not theirs..!

        that is profound

  7. braveandstandingstrong

    I resisted by not standing up for myself. I did not insist that the children go to bed at a certain time. I did not make them brush their teeth. I did not complain about the amount of junk food he allowed them to eat.

    If I did any of those things, I knew he would become angry at me and I did not want to rile him up. I was very passive after he threatened to kill me. It was always there. I could feel it in the air.

    But, occasionally, I would stand up for myself or one of our children. In some ways it seems like I just gave up living. The truth is I did feel as if I was dying more everyday. My reaction was a way to cope with an unlivable situation.

    Away from him, I am a vibrant woman, full of energy and life. God set me free by showing me the truth.

    For me, I was waiting for someone else to tell me it was ok to leave. I wasn’t getting that message from my friends, family members or church. Partially, it was because I did not share how bad it was, because I myself was still in a fog. But, I knew when he proposed getting back together, I was not ready. I knew then, I was better when I was away from him.
    I had been taught very early to squelch my intuition. Denying reality became a way to cope with feeling helpless.
    My reality was not validated and therefore I never learned to trust that maybe I knew what was best for me!

    I was always looking for someone else to hear me and tell me what to do. I didn’t trust the crisis intervention people because I thought they weren’t Christians. I trusted who I thought were Christians and because they were ignorant (both because I didn’t tell them everything and because they chose not to become better informed regarding domestic violence) they encouraged me to stay.

    But, I knew! I knew then that he hadn’t really changed. I have good intuition.

    It seemed everyone was more concerned about my marriage than me or my children who were being methodically destroyed by the destructive tactics of my anti husband.

    • Anonymous

      Anonymous (November 27, 2015 – 7:04 am),

      In Jeff’s new book, “Unholy Charade” he explains how many of us who were abused don’t even know our likes or dislikes because we’ve been trained to obey and that our needs and desires were often dismissed or ridiculed. For me this brain-washing took place so early in my life that I grew up truly believing that I had no desires or likes or dislikes and I thought others knew better than me when it came to making decisions. It’s taken years for me to learn to be aware of my needs and desires and to allow myself to try to meet them without feeling selfish or guilty.

      The lyrics of the song “Every Day Is Exactly The Same” (by NIN) are the way I tried to live my life. I realized this after God woke me up. This is not a Christian group but I’ve noticed that sometimes secular bands seem to be searching even harder for truth and are more willing to deal with the dark aspects of that search.

      [Eds: lyrics removed from comment as we cannot breach copyright. Any unauthorized republication of lyrics, even one line, can be a breach of copyright. But if readers want to find the lyrics they can do an internet search for them.]

      This song hits many nails on the head that we talk about on this website. How we’ve actually resisted and continue to resist even though we know the abuse we may receive for standing up. Thank you all for sharing your hearts.

    • Hi Braveandstandingstrong, and welcome to the blog. Yes, you have good intuition!

      And clearly you are guarding your identity well 🙂

      Thank you so much for sharing here. Blessings to you. 🙂

      • braveandstandingstrong

        Thank you, Barbara for this post.

        I realized yesterday, one of the ways I resisted my anti husband was to be less desirable by not taking a shower. My abuser often wanted me to shower with him (ugh!) So many times I would debate over this issue. Do I give in or face his wrath for not doing what he wanted? I would come up with something to prevent me from having to meet his expectations. Or I would pretend like I fell back to sleep. Most of the time I did what he wanted, but occasionally, I fought back by being creative. A lot of times I would go and pray. He had a harder time being angry at me for spending time with God, but he made it clear he was not happy and would make us all suffer, so most of the time I gave in.

        Thank you for helping me realize the strength and courage it took to fight back in that situation.

        I am so thankful for this ministry. You and Pastor Crippen have helped me to grow in seeing truth. Truth has set me free!

      • twbtc

        Hi Braveandstandingstrong,

        Nice screen name. I hope it’s ok that I changed the screen name of your comment from the other day to match this one.

        And pretending to be asleep was also one of my ways of resisting 🙂

      • Hi Braveandstandingstrong — thank you for sharing that example of how you resisted the abuse!

  8. HisBannerOverMeIsLove

    A lot of good comments above.

    Holidays are tough. It seems things can flip to horrible then back to ok in a snap. Lonely. Yet so busy who has time to feel that way. One of our children resisted doing a small household chore when asked. Instead of doing the chore, the child argued. Why they argue I still don’t know. [details removed] The child was then physically disciplined. I know the child was being difficult, but some of the punishment the child was given seemed to me to be unreasonable and over the top. Along with yelling. This is not change. [Eds: commenter is referring to how her husband has not changed.] It frightened me. I went into clam up mode. Another child came to me freaked out. The rest of the kids went to another part of the house and waited it out. The rest of the day everyone played games while I did household chores. Even though they all seemed to have a great time after all. I was numb and in auto mode.
    I heard them giggling and they all had a great day after all with dad. So why did I feel detached. Nothing happened to me exactly. Was it a little thing and I’m overboard and ready to hang him for every little thing?

    • freeatlast8

      This used to happen in my home all the time. It was our normal modus operandi. Dad would explode at someone, and everyone else would flee and hide. When the dust settled, people would cautiously come out of hiding to see if the coast was clear. Normally, that meant my h had gone to bed or to work. Then everyone would resume activities again. If h was still there, but all was quiet, little by little we would come out and pick up where we left off before the eruption. For me, my post was at the kitchen sink or doing laundry. At least if I was working, I knew my chances of getting called out were slimmer.

      I think the kids can bounce back easier because they don’t have the understanding we do as to how serious the issue really is. They are like little puppies who get stepped on, and in a moment they are back licking at your heels begging for your attention. Young kids seem to recover more quickly from an episode…at least until they get to the age where they are starting to see / understand that there is something not quite right about what is going on. For me, that was about the time they turned 8 to 10.

      I read a book that said I should not interfere with a father when he disciplines a child. It is his place to discipline without the mom interrupting or trying to spare the child the punishment…the same way we moms can handle disciplining without Dad’s involvement. I hated the way he handled punishment, though. It hurt me to see him say or do whatever he chose to do, usually in anger. I intervened for years, until I read this book that said not to. But there were times after reading the book when his anger was so over the top that I would get in the middle of it. He did not appreciate it. He felt entitled to do as he saw fit as the head of the house and told me it was his assigned role from God to make men out of our sons.

      I also knew the feelings that went along with one of Dad’s chastisement sessions because I had been the recipient of them myself multitudinous times. I couldn’t stand thinking the child might be feeling all the things I had felt when their dad was raging at me. I realize that might be projecting onto the child things that maybe the child was not feeling. But I don’t know how anyone young or old could not walk away from that sort of lashing without being sorely affected by it.

      So to answer your question about why you feel detached if nothing happened to you directly–I believe you don’t have to be the recipient of the raging incident to be affected by it. Even if it wasn’t directed at me, I would still feel it.

  9. Anonymous

    Surviving Freedom, I’m still in that stage too but more and more I find I care less and less about what anyone thinks about how I “handle” or don’t “handle” ‘things’! Retraining our minds to get rid of the filth hurled in our faces and the monstrous evil day and night pounded in to our psyche from the abusers is a much needed complicated and delicate ongoing process. Surely through it all we have learned this: abusers MUST heap their wickedness on us – deep down inside they have a real sense of shame knowing what they are but they CANNOT face it, they would simply implode. Some days just opening our eyes to the reality of the trauma we’ve endured while knowing we must continue to fight and fight hard to stay on the road to recovery, requires tremendous energy in and of itself. Clinging to the truth…truth about who we are as His daughters and how very precious we are in His sight. Remember, He rescues us and NEVER wants us on the receiving end of evil. He never calls us to fight the evil one – He calls us to be wise and hide in the shelter of His wings, FOR OUR OWN PRESERVATION.

    I was reading John 12 where Jesus talks about walking in the light and that we must put our trust in the light while we have it, lest we walk in darkness. I was stumbling over the part where after Jesus finished speaking to the crowds, Greeks and Jews, he then left and HID HIMSELF FROM THEM. I could not understand why Jesus hid himself and so upon further study I see that Jesus proclaimed these things to the crowds which was for their conviction and awakening. But since they had NO regard for what he said, he had nothing more to say to them. They are joined to their infidelity, as Ephraim to idols; let them alone says one commentator. Christ justly removes the means of grace from those that quarrel with him and he hides his face. He hides his face for HIS OWN PRESERVATION. He hides himself from their rage and fury and retreated to Bethany where he lodged. I have also retreated (The Lord removed me from that insane house) to my home town where I now lodge, just as Jesus did!! By Jesus doing this indicates that what he said irritated and exasperated them, and they were made worse by that which should have made them better.

    And I love your honesty SF where you came to a point believing God was failing you. But looking back you realized it was Him holding you up and fighting the battle for you. Again, this reveals clearly we are NOT to fight face to face with evil – we are to flee. And remember this in 2 Chronicles 15: “This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” Think about the way our Lord says this! It’s His battle; He therefore claims ownership!

    • …abusers MUST heap their wickedness on us – deep down inside they have a real sense of shame knowing what they are but they CANNOT face it, they would simply implode.

      I wonder. I wonder whether all abusers deep down inside have a real sense of shame knowing what they are. Maybe some do? Who knows. But would it be true to say they all, deep down, have a sense of shame? I doubt it.

      If we try to plumb the labyrinth of the abuser’s mind, we go crazy. It’s a black hole, smoke and mirrors, you never know whether you’ve found the bottom of it. And round every corner a new devil leaps out and bares his fangs at you — or charmingly smiles and bows to you.

      If we think about Satan himself (having to give the capital letter there, to make it clear I am talking about that particular being — the fallen angel Lucifer) about whom Isaiah writes:

      How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!

      For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:

      I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.

      Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.

      They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;

      That made the world as a wilderness, and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
      (Is. 14:12-17 KJV)

      …. we are not told how Satan will feel when he is brought down to the pit and people are looking on him with such disdain, but when I read that passage I don’t find myself thinking that Satan is feeling the least little bit of shame. If anything, he is just feeling rage, and planning how he will fight when he is released. This is the parallel passage in Revelation:

      Then I saw an angel coming down from heaven, holding in his hand the key to the bottomless pit and a great chain. And he seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years, and threw him into the pit, and shut it and sealed it over him, so that he might not deceive the nations any longer, until the thousand years were ended. After that he must be released for a little while.

      Then I saw thrones, and seated on them were those to whom the authority to judge was committed. Also I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for the testimony of Jesus and for the word of God, and those who had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ for a thousand years. The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended. This is the first resurrection. Blessed and holy is the one who shares in the first resurrection! Over such the second death has no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ, and they will reign with him for a thousand years.

      And when the thousand years are ended, Satan will be released from his prison and will come out to deceive the nations that are at the four corners of the earth, Gog and Magog, to gather them for battle; their number is like the sand of the sea. And they marched up over the broad plain of the earth and surrounded the camp of the saints and the beloved city, but fire came down from heaven and consumed them, and the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.

      (Revelation 20:1-10 ESV)

      Now, I know that angels and human beings are different orders of creation, and human beings have consciences — Romans 2:15-16 They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus — but we are not told that angels have consciences, although we can infer they surely know right from wrong, and most angels obey God but some (Satan’s mob) have disobeyed.

      So, does Satan have shame? I doubt it. I doubt he would so to speak implode if he faced his sin fully. He is hardened to the core.

      Are some abusers so hardened, have they so seared their conscience that the emotion of shame will never be felt by them ever again? I think that is very probably the case.

      We (people of conscience) find it so hard to imagine how the abuser could NOT feel shame if he really faced the full truth of his wickedness. But we are not them. Their mindset and their hearts are so different from ours.

      • Anonymous

        Barbara, you certainly make excellent points with regard to any shame an abuser may feel. I find myself even now wanting to believe that surely, just possibly, there has to be a shred of decency in the abuser to the degree that he would feel some shame. And now as I hear myself saying this I realize in the past whenever I would give him the benefit of the doubt, he would turn on me and take me apart. I see why the Lord tells us, “Do not cast your pearls”. And you are right Barbara, it is a big black hole with smoke and mirrors in the abuser. Just so hard to imagine, even after having lived with it!!

  10. standingfirm

    My abuser gets furious with me every time he is mean and disrespectful and I point it out to him.

    Before the Lord put Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that”? in my hands I would get so confused about his twisting and denial of the abusive incident. Now with the knowledge I have on mental / emotional abuse I stand up for myself. Of course he always finds a way to “punish” me.

    He thinks he still has the ability to hurt my heart, but what he does not realize is he is no longer in my heart. The Lord has given me the tools to emotionally detach from the abuser. I love him as a human being and nothing else. I am sure if I were not a Christian I would hate him for what he has done to me for three decades. I do hate his evil sin though. And yes, he will not look at himself or how his behavior has hurt me all those years.

    I resist him now by pointing out the abuse and not backing down on the consequence. He recently has shown me he hates boundaries. I am very blessed that he works overseas so the abuse he hurls at me anymore is through e-mails. I will say, the older he has gotten the WORSE his abusive behavior is. It really amazes me how these abusive men are so “perfect” and never do any wrong in their deluded eyes! The Lord is my comfort and strength and is the one who brought me out of the fog. As long as my abuser is on the earth, I will always resist his evil behavior. I am grateful for this website and send hugs to all my sisters in the Lord here, and brothers also!

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