The Difficulty and Necessity of Accepting the Unlove
[July 2, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
Recently, Jeff Crippen made a comment on this post:
It seems to me that the physical relationship between husband and wife is an outgrowth of the nature of their heart relationship. If the heart is bad, all that proceeds from it will be colored by that. So the fact that your husband is manipulative, mean, and cutting tells us that his heart is bad. He does not (these are hard words to hear) love you. The typical abuser only loves himself. His non-love for you really has nothing to do with you as far as a cause. He simply sees himself as the center of the universe and you are there for his service and pleasure. The alternating back and forth between “nice” and “mean” is all part of his abuser tactics. And yes, it does make you kind of crazy doesn’t it?
When I read it, I remembered the day that someone looked me in the eye and said, “Your husband does not love you.” I went home that day, made dinner, put the children to bed, cleaned up and then wept quietly in a corner of my room. That was about six years ago. It was so difficult for me to accept the fact that my ex-husband did not love me. For all the insistent “I love yous”, there was absolutely no proof of that. He did the minimum for our family because (and I truly believe this) he was managing his image. And he had taught me to cover for him. He knew it looked bad if he did not provide for us, so he provided for us. He knew it looked bad if he did not get me a card for our anniversary, so he bought me a card. And so on. If no one was watching and we were stranded on a desert island, things would have been much, much different.
Even more excruciating was realizing that he hated me. And, not only him, but other abusers in my life hated me, as well. Letters, blogs, emails, neglect, abuse, anger, pain….all proving that these people in my life did not just have a distaste for me — they wanted to destroy me. Again, it took other people looking in my eyes after reading something they wrote and saying, “They HATE you, Megan!” It was so painful…. like a thorn delving deep into my heart. I had to reconcile myself to this truth. I had to admit to myself that, not only was there no love, but there was hate. And, why? I don’t know. And I do not try to figure that out, anymore. People are going to hate — and it is not my problem.
I believe that Jeff Crippen told this reader that her husband does not love her to release her….to open her eyes to the truth so that she could think clearly and eradicate confusion. When I realized that my ex did not love me, everything made sense.
Oh….no WONDER he did thus and such.
Oh….no wonder he could not seem to….
Now everything makes sense….
We must accept these types of truths in order to heal and move on. Our spirits really do know that they don’t love us….we just need to say it out loud. Cry about it. Let it out. And move forward. There is freedom in realizing that a person who insists that they love you whilst hurting you does not, in actuality, love you. This means you can move forward with your eyes open. This also means that you can quit trying to win their love. Hmmm. We probably were doing that one subconsciously. We can stop that, now. That’s freedom! It is not our problem. That’s freedom! We can let them go now; those who wished to enslave us can even be dead to us now. And that is freedom!
The truth, as painful as it is, really does set us free, doesn’t it?
[July 2, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to July 2, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to July 2, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to July 2, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (July 2, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]