Last week, I shared a secret with Pastor Jeff Crippen. I told him that, even though I had received a letter from my former abusive counselor offering me help, I had been the one to initiate the counseling. I called HIM. I have been very ashamed of this. If anyone asks this man to leave me alone, he replies, “Well, SHE called ME.” He also sends copies of emails I sent him to show that I was the one who initiated the discussion all those years ago (Goodness! He sent one to my lawyer!). Jeff C immediately told me that I needed to get rid of my false guilt. That this counselor had actually been the one to initiate things . Furthermore, when I “initiated” that he stop contacting me, he ignored it.
This got me thinking about all the times I have been so afraid people will find out all my secrets. . . . All the things abusers have told me that I have been afraid are true . . . all the lies they have spoken to my soul to keep me from ever blooming. . . . all the statements that were cruelly designed to keep me isolated in my mind.
One by one, I have opened up my heart and spoken these lies out loud to a safe person here and there and then gauged their reaction. And each time, I see the disgust arise on the face of my listener followed by words of truth, counter-acting the lies. And . . . . oh, the relief. It turns out, I am smart, after all. I am attractive, despite all the lies I was told. I am certainly not crazy. I am a good mother. I am not a horrible person. Sure, we make mistakes, but those who have loved me deeply have shown me that they recognize my intense desire to follow Christ. And that seems to be enough for all of us.
Lately, all those secrets I kept for so long are losing their power.
Abusers control their victims by telling them little secrets that keep them in bondage. And the victims believe them and then think, “What if someone finds out?” And then the abuser can control. It takes more courage than one would think to repeat these lies out loud, although this is getting easier. A lot of tears have been shed but . . . oh the freedom that comes with truth!
I am learning to release these secrets to God and to others and am finding immense release. I am still working on this but I am painfully learning to move forward into believing what God has been saying about me all along . . . .
“Beautiful girl. I love you. I cover you with my grace. I treasure you. You are cherished. I delight in you. . . . I created you. . .
. . . and I am happy with my work. “
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False guilt’s a toughie. The first thing my abusive husband said to my children when I left? He got on the phone, right there where I could hear him and told each one, “I know things about your mother.” My oldest came to me and asked, Mom? Did you have an abortion? A child you gave up for adoption? Is there some horrible family secret you’re not telling me?
No, no, no. I had absolutely no idea what he meant.
To this day, I still have no idea what he was talking about but it remains in my mind, just like he intended. Meant to compel me to keep his secrets so he’ll keep silent. Funny how, even without knowing what he meant, I still worry that he remembers something humiliating I once told him in a moment of weakness that I’ve now forgotten and intends to bring it out like a weapon. And he and I both know I’ll own up to it because (get this) I’m compelled by my love for Christ to tell the truth and he isn’t. Not now, never was. The man lies the way other people breathe.
Pretty ironic, really.
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Ida Mae – It makes no matter. Christ knows all. You may have forgotten some dark secret, but He has not and that means this:
(Rom 8:33-34 ESV) 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died– more than that, who was raised– who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
Therefore, there is nothing to fear.
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“”Beautiful girl. I love you. I cover you with my grace. I treasure you. You are cherished. I delight in you. . . . I created you. . .
. . . and I am happy with my work. “”
Yes, to this!!!
God loves and treasures each one of us, so much more than we realize! And the more deeply we drink in that truth, the freer we are to return His love!
Thank you, for sharing, Megan!
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Thank you, Joe!
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I have never studied the abuser side of recovery but when I read what is written here I wonder if they could drink in God’s truth about them would the abuse dissipate?
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AJ, a resounding YES to that question! I am absolutely convinced that if any abuser would truly drink in the truth of God’s deep love for them, and truly trust His grace, the abuse would dissipate.
And yet…I have become equally convinced that God never violates human free-will. Christ stands at the door and knocks…but He never crashes the door or barges in.
Many abusers have been exposed to God’s truth. Many can quote scriptures regarding God’s love and grace. Many will even use those scriptures in an attempt to manipulate others and minimize their own abusive behavior.
There is an old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
At some point, faithful partners in abusive relationships must decide whether or not there is any point in continuing to pursue healing within the relationship.
Is healing possible? Absolutely!
Is healing possible without the abuser’s true repentance, a deep desire for change, and a willingness to be held accountable? Absolutely not!
The healing fountain of Christ’s love is available to all…but He never forces us to drink…
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I wonder about that too. I think, though, that it would be impossible for it to have that effect without repentance. First the abuser would have to come to see that there really is something wrong with him (or her) and that their abuse has been incredibly evil and that painful consequences for their abuse are entirely appropriate. Apart from that, I think they would just fold it into their abusive mindset and use God or His grace as a vehicle to continue. If you look, for example, at men like Creflo Dollar and that ilk, they use Christ’s blood like it’s some sort of cosmic indulgence that lets them get away with everything. Since it’s all covered under grace, they can sin with impunity and are affronted when called out and actually held accountable for their actions.
But for those who get that they have a need and agree with God on what that need is, it should work wonders to transform them!
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No it’s not that simple, AJ. I’ll be writing a post that touches on this shortly.
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Megan, I thank God that the layers of lies are being peeled back. And what is being revealed (what is “blooming”) is truly God-blessed. You ARE created with design & purpose and God’s plan will reveal even greater things for you. All who know you have been able to see through the lies…but now YOU can see. And that revelation taking place in your life is inspiring to the rest of us! Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. It is making us richer! <3
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Thank you so much, David!
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Megan, I know exactly what you mean! I have more then a few secrets that I am scared will come out in the open. I have shared one or two with a trusted person and was met with understanding and care. I am just starting out so it is very heard for me. It is encouraging to know that it gets easier over time.
My have opened up some on the blog, but there are so many deep feelings that I am afraid to let any one know I feel and thoughts I am afraid to dare let anyone know I think.
What do you do with feelings of loneliness and thoughts of actually missing your husband and wanting him back? I know I don’t want him in my life and I know he is dangerous but I am tempted to think that life was easier when I had the appearance of a stable family and loving husband, even if it was all in my head.
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It WILL get easier, Bethany. I started very slowly and told the “big things” to a very trusted loved one only to find out that they weren’t all that “big”, after all. It takes time but things will get better. I know that the loneliness can be stifling…. I think it is very normal to be tempted to think things were better before. I can tell you right now that life was not easier for you before or you would not have done all you have done to be free. We forget….
We have to be reminded of the slavery we were under. We forget….we get lonely….we feel like we are in the wilderness. But it is temporary, my sweet sister. Let people remind you of what your life was like before and look forward to the beauty of the promised land that will surely come. We are all healing, trying, living and doing the best we can. Keep pressing on. It was only the appearance of a stable family that you and I and so many others had. You have a chance, now, to truly build that family. And you will — you have already taken the steps to do so. You are very brave. Hugs.
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Thank you Megan I will take your words to heart :)
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I really struggle with believing the lies about me. Even when I open up to others and they affirm me, I somehow believe that I’ve figured out a way to deceive them and get compassion that I don’t deserve. It’s pretty arrogant to think I can deceive everyone (even my therapist), but I’m finding that while the acceptance of others gives me a momentary confidence, if I can’t accept that I am not what these hidden secrets claim, I’ll never be free of them. Its tough work, but fortunately I have a lot of wonderful people I can trust who encourage me, even if I don’t always accept what they say!
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Jeff S – it doesn’t matter. I know this is hard to get hold of — I struggle with it to, as I have been accused of things many times and believed them. But true or false, there is no condemnation in Christ. None. He has returned His verdict on us, and it is a not guilty. Then He took His positive righteousness and imputed it to our account. I think this is what John meant here:
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING! And it is all forgiven.
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Thanks Jeff. So often I struggle with this using the tools of the world, even when I know better.
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Ah. Once again God’s Word is a cool drink of water.
It doesn’t matter if we are accused by the Accuser, ourselves or anyone else. We have an Advocate, regardless. Thank you for this, Jeff.
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Jeff, I know that place of self-doubt where I would wonder whether I had deceived everyone including myself. It’s an awful place to be. I can say it has faded now that much time has passed and I’ve been reading and writing and working in this field for years (since 1999). But the can still be re-triggered by someone casting doubt or aspersions on what I write for as an advocate for other survivors.
When my last marriage broke down I saw a counsellor for 8 sessions. He was not too bad in that he listened well and was good at seeing connections and parallels, but he kept asking the question ‘Was I abusive to my husband, as well as him being abusive to me?” If I had been any weaker in my recovery, if I had less understanding about domestic abuse, I would certainly have crumbled under his questioning. As it was, I used his question to make myself stronger. I gave serious thought to the question, I chewed it round every which way, and then I told him “No; I was not abusive; I did nothing that was abusive in that marriage.” And I felt my conscience was clear in saying that; I had not a smidgeon of doubt.
I stopped seeing that counsellor when he kept persisting with that question despite my definite answer. But I felt his questioning had helped me in a counter-intuitive way. He was wrong to continue suspecting me – he was wrong to not fully believe me – but the fact that I didn’t doubt myself confirmed to me how strong and clear I had become in my own mind. It was a verification of my health and personal integrity. It’s a place of blessed freedom, and I hope you get there yourself someday.
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Jeff, that self-doubt is a hard place to be. It is so important for us to learn to identify ourselves as who Christ says we are…His beloved…chosen in Him, before the foundation of the world…predestined to a rich destiny that only He knows!
Praying for you, brother! I’ve been there…and still require frequent reminding!
Drop me a line: joe.pote01@gmail.com
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Megan, that abusive counselor proclaims, “She initiated the counseling, she asked me to counsel her, so what’s she complaining about?”
It’s parallel to the abuser who says, “She married me, she chose to marry me, so what’s she complaining about?”
….but….
You have told the counselor you no longer are no longer his client and he is no longer your counselor.
And you have divorced your husband so he is no longer your husband.
People who stay stuck in the past must have some motive for wanting to stay in the past.
Perhaps we should advise them, “You need to move on; that’s all in the past. :)
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Love that!! Thank you, Barb! :)
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Megan,
I really appreciate you reminding us that often the power a secret holds evaporates somewhat when brought into the light of truth. An important step in recovery for survivors of abuse. I am wondering if we could do a post with some other ideas around recovery? I know what abuse looks like now, I can set boundaries guilt free, and I am learning to trust myself more. What I’m looking for is ideas for growing Those small seeds in my soul back to health in this new protected space. I don’t want to just survive I want to know how to thrive. Love to hear what some of the others have done.
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That’s a good topic to suggest AJ. Have you read the other posts we have under the category ‘recovery’? If not you might like to check them out. Also I would recommend the blog we have in our blogroll (look in the sidebar) called A New Free Life. She’s writing lots about her own recovery journey.
But yes, we certainly could write more about recovery.
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We can work on that, AJ. Rejoicing in all the victories you have had thus far!!
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Beautiful post, Megan. You, Bethany, and Barb have put words to my emotions once again. Thank you to each of you and to Ida Mae and Jeff S as well for being so transparent and honest. I absolutely love coming here each day where I know that I will find others who truly understand me and what I’ve been through and felt. I am so deeply grateful for this place and for the growth and recovery in each of our lives. Thank you, Pastor Crippen, for the scriptural truths. I need those reminders.
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The transparencies, the doubts, the fears…Thank you for being real and encouraging me in my hard place right now. And Ida Mae, he did the same thing, told the kids and the counselor he was holding back some horrible secret about me because he was too much of a gentleman. Ha! I told the kids and counselor to call his bluff and guess what…no secret but made up histories that were so easy to see as false!
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These men look too much like they are working for the other team when they accuse like this. The Enemy stands and “accuses the brethren”. Whatever “horrible secrets” these men think they can hold over you cannot hold a candle to the forgiveness and love of Christ. What if there IS really some secret? It doesn’t matter! You are covered by what Christ did on the cross. They would like you to think there is some condemnation….but we know that there is NO condemnation for those who follow Christ.
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“…there is NO condemnation for those who follow Christ.”
Amen!
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Megan, Thank you for sharing your experience.You stated it so well. It really helps hearing how other people have handled things that I’m also experiencing. I agree with you that bringing the secret into the light through talking with God or other trusted people and out of the land of secrets reveals the true nature of the secret as being a lie. And removing those lies leaves room for the truth of who we are in reality.
“I am learning to release these secrets to God and to others and am finding immense release. I am still working on this but I am painfully learning to move forward into believing what God has been saying about me all along . . . .
‘Beautiful girl. I love you. I cover you with my grace. I treasure you. You are cherished. I delight in you. . . . I created you. . .
. . . and I am happy with my work.’ ”
I love what God said to you! You are his happy thought!!
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So SWEET, Song!!
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(Airbrushing…)
With the exception of the sibling who sexually abused me when I was a child, I don’t remember having a secret held over my head as a weapon. I remember things I wanted to keep secret, but that is not the same thing.
In reading my last sentence, I wonder if I have played the role of abuser to myself. After all, I do know secrets about myself. Some are errors common to childhood, nothing earth shattering. Some are the “family secrets”, the ones that can be more isolating.
I have told my secrets to God, but still find no relief.
And I see it now…
I am afraid He is holding secrets over me….
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That ‘He’ is the false god, the one your parents and ‘c’hurch hammered into your head.
The true God is loving and kind to bruised reeds. He is not holding secrets over you to keep you cowered, or to threaten you.
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I think I needed to see that in writing. Thanks, Barb. I know I’ve been wrestling with taking apart the “god-as-abuser” and “god-as-punisher”. Piece by piece, I have made progress, but I think I’ve been trying too hard to do it on my own.
Sometimes, it takes someone outside my box to help me out of the box.
I know this so well…when I am helping someone. I think I am so used to giving and never receiving, I look for my own “outside-the-box” solutions. At times, I have had success…
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