Co-written by Megan C and Jeff S
We have noticed some letters from abusers and those seeking to “encourage” us contain an appeal to think about those we hurt in our divorce: our spouse, our children, our church, our friends, our witness to unbelievers . . . this can be an overwhelming thought and cause a great deal of pain and false guilt. Are we really so selfish as to hurt all of those people to make ourselves happy? Or that’s how the story goes.
What they don’t ask is about all of the pain those around us suffered from our marriages. The fallout isn’t only limited to divorce – marriages can be even more destructive than the divorces that mercifully end them. In the following we share some of our thoughts on the fallout from our own marriages and divorces. We need full pictures of the fallout, not just the pictures our accusers want us to see.
Our Children
Jeff: I got a lot of “think of your son – divorce is so hard on children” from my pastor. My ex also has also used this argument: one evening when my son was upset during a handoff after her visitation she said to me “this is what divorce does to children.” These statements hit the hardest for a parent. None of us want our children to be in pain.
But I also had a wise man tell me (and he wasn’t trying to lead me toward a specific answer), “Jeff, you need to decide what picture of marriage you want to show your son”. And when I stepped back, I knew that I did NOT want to show him a view of marriage that wasn’t safe or approved of harmful behavior. My home needs to be a safe place for my son, even if he has to suffer the fallout of a divorce. Marriage fallout would be worse.
Additionally, at the worst moments I had very legitimate fears about being able to provide for my son, both emotionally and financially. He has no choices and depends on adults to provide for him; I could not allow myself to become non-functional.
Megan: Like Jeff, I heard statements such as this repeatedly, “Have you thought about what this will do to your children?” What a blow! To that, I would think, “Does this person know what the marriage has already done to my children?” I think, if I was the only one in my abusive marriage and my children had not been born, I probably would have stayed (not that this is admirable). It was the pain and agony of my childrens’ suffering that ultimately led me to my decision to leave. Again, the marriage was causing my children to suffer; the separation brought them relief.
Only time healed this conflict in my heart. As I have watched my children grow in esteem, health and security, I no longer doubt that my leaving my abusive marriage did them any harm, whatsoever. On the contrary, it was the best decision I have ever made. As Jeff stated, my children now have a chance to see what healthy marriages look like.
Finally, and most dear to my heart, my children will no longer confuse their earthly father with their Heavenly father. They now have a better understanding of God — a God who is please-able; a God who loves them and does not use them nor want to hurt them.
Our Extended Family
Jeff: I only realized after my divorce how much damage my marriage had done to my family. The first time my son and I went to visit my sister for dinner, she said it was very strange. She said she was not used to me being dependable; almost always there was a last minute reason we couldn’t make it, and if we did we could be counted on to be late. Over time I realized there were many things that my ex and I did that hurt my mother and sister. I never could see it and I wouldn’t listen to them while I was married– I was too focused on protecting my marriage to see anyone else we hurt. Fortunately we’ve been rebuilding and working through things and my relationship with my extended family is far better.
Megan: While my extended family (no doubt) had pain from my broken marriage, the real “fallout” is that I exposed relationships that were already poisonous. They might claim that I hurt them, but the real pain was something they caused and not my divorce.
Our Churches and Friendships:
Jeff: I really don’t know the fallout of my divorce on my church. I know I haven’t talked to many people since I left, but it really seems like I walked out the door, had a couple of dinners with a few folks, and then life went on without me. I wonder if this lack of attachment between myself and the church was some of the fallout of my marriage? I didn’t have many friends in the end.
Megan: By the time I left my ex husband, my relationships with friends had somewhat disintegrated. I was under such pressure at home that I could not have normal relationships. Indeed, I had lost most of my capacity to have healthy relationships. And as I was daily drained at home, I had nothing left to give. My emotions were so constantly wrapped up in what was waiting for me at home that I could not focus on what others needed. I never felt “good enough” in my marriage and I lived in a world of striving . . . trying to be the best mother, wife, person . . . I believed I was worth nothing and was constantly trying to prove to myself that I was love-able. Doing, doing, doing. I am sure I was less than a joy to be around. Having no mercy for myself, now and then, I had little mercy for others (sob!). My friends stuck by me, for the most part. One of them told me she knew something was terribly wrong but could not put a finger on it. So grateful for those who showed me such love in my darkest times! Our friendships are now richer and deeper than I could have imagined. God is healing.
Those We Counsel:
Jeff: I counseled no one while I was married, but divorce has given me a great empathy for the abused and I think a lot of people have been positively influenced by what I’ve learned through this painful process.
Megan: I counseled many while I was married. Sadly, a few times, I unwittingly counseled other women to stay in their abusive relationships. I could not even identify my own marriage as abusive and I had been taught in my Christian counseling classes in grad school that marriage was the highest institution (higher, it seemed, than the right to live) and that no one must leave — stay AT ALL COSTS. How I grieve the counsel I gave to other women who were suffering . . . . I pray for them often. Lots of tears shed. But, I now have the chance to help others who are oppressed. God truly turned the tide in this area of my life. He is in the business of redeeming.
Our Witness:
Jeff: This was a heavy handed topic brought up many times about representing God to the world with my decision to divorce. The thing is, I do not believe my marriage was any great witness. What picture of God did I show when I and my son were suffering and miserable? I believe we were giving a false image of the kind of love God shows His children.
Megan: Agreeing completely with Jeff, my first marriage was a farce. A gross misrepresentation of the Gospel. I am ashamed of how we “presented Christ” to others . . . but especially toward my older two children.
Such are our stories. On the balance, the Accuser wants us to only see those who were hurt. But truly, if people were hurt by our liberation, then it is clear they did not think us deserving of justice. As such, their pain is not our responsibility. The whole picture says that greater justice was done by seeking freedom, and not just for ourselves, but for all those around us who are willing to accept it.
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My kids are so much better without my ex in the home!! The easiest way to illustrate..one of my sucks their thumb. At seven, the abuser goes overseas for a year, thumb sucking almost stops. He comes home, thumb sucking starts up again. Child unable to stop. Abuser moves out divorce proceedings start child rarely sees dad, thumb sucking stops ( child is now in teens) Abuser forces child to do weekly visitation, thumb sucking has started again. Does this not speak VOLUMES.
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My parents were Catholic and didn’t believe in divorce. My mother, a kind and caring person, became an alcoholic in part because of my father’s brutality towards her. My brothers and I, from the time we were quite young, have many times witnessed my father beating my mother unmercifully, holding a knife or gun to her, cursing her and calling her the most foul names possible, knocking us across the room if we tried to intervene. Both of my brothers turned out to be lifelong alcoholics (and homeless). I have PTSD and have tried to take my life on numerous occasions, finally almost succeeding a couple of months ago. I only wish my parents would have divorced. Staying together is not always the best decision for your children.
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Constance…. Welcome to our community. I am so sad about all you have endured. I cannot imagine….your opinion is very valuable as you have had much experience with abuse. Please know that you are safe here. Thank you so much for sharing. Big hugs to you.
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And yes, I actually have time for friendships now!! And family, they are jumping for joy! They get to visit and enjoy us!!
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Rejoicing with you, SS!! Your quality of life is so sweet now!
And my youngest used to “stuff” before we left. She would shove food in her mouth, fill up her cheeks and hold it there. It sounds ridiculous but it really made meal-time difficult. A friend told me it was her “baby stress”. When we left, it stopped….as did so many other ticks and issues the children had. It really helps to see them doing so much better, doesn’t it? :)
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What a great idea for an article! Thank you, Jeff S and Megan, for sharing this part of your stories!
It reminded me of something I wrote in my book, “So You are a Believer Who has been through Divorce”:
“God holds covenant as sacred, because a well-honored covenant glorifies God by reflecting an important aspect of His nature. However, when a covenant is repeatedly misused as a tool to enslave or abuse, it ceases to reflect God’s nature and no longer glorifies Him. At some point, God’s redemptive nature is better reflected by the just dissolution of the marriage covenant than by allowing its continued abuse.”
May God continue to bless both of you, as you continue to minister to others!
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Great post! Thank you! I especially LOVE the last paragraph.
I, too, have seen that in my children. My youngest refused to potty train and cried a lot and was EXTREMELY clingy. Within four weeks of her dad leaving the home she potty trained herself and couldn’t wait to go to Sunday School with the “big kids.” When visitation was forced on her she started wetting herself all the time. Over the last year she has adjusted and has been able to visit for up to four hours at a time without wetting. However, she recently overheard me tell a friend that the kids have to go with him for up to six days at Christmas and, guess what? She immediately wet herself. Children are traumatized while living under the roof of an abuser. They feel relief when the one who terrorizes the family is gone.
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Anew — Children often cannot express how they are feeling with an abuser living under the same roof. Mine all had some strange behavior when living with our ex. I could not figure out what to do for them when we still lived with him. They almost NEVER slept through a night. We had the nightmares, as well, for MONTHS after we first left. One of mine had a tick on and off for several years and it is all but gone now. He still displays it if he is extremely tired or over-excited but it is fading more and more. I would love to do some research on how abuse affects small children so I can point it out to other mothers who don’t understand their children’s behavior.
I am so glad your sweet ones have a haven now with you. Hugs.
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Megan:
” I think, if I was the only one in my abusive marriage and my children had not been born, I probably would have stayed (not that this is admirable). It was the pain and agony of my childrens’ suffering that ultimately led me to my decision to leave. Again, the marriage was causing my children to suffer; the separation brought them relief.”
I concur. I would have done the same and it was because of the children that I left. My children also have said that they are much happier without their dad…and that is sad. But it is the truth, so we will live it.
Thanks to Jeff S. and Megan C. for this post, I appreciate your sharing…it is very helpful.
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The effect our marriage is having on our children is the main reason I am considering leaving. They name-call and belittle when they are angry. I’m constantly reminding them that they cannot act like they are the center of the universe and must consider what other people feel and want, particularly people they love. Everyone is wound so tightly it seems unbearable.
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Hi Sorrowful, you are not alone! Many many abused women leave their abusers because they are dismayed at the effect the abuser’s conduct is having on the kids. You might find this helpful:
For my children’s sake, it is better to leave?
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Well. So much for the argument that the children are always better off in a home with both parents, eh? I think your all’s children settled that one pretty conclusively!
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My children don’t miss there dad at all! My oldest had nightmares for two months after he left. He would wake up screaming in middle of the night because he dreamed that “daddy was coming to take him away” I assured him that mommy, grandma, and grandpa would never let that happen and the dreams have stopped. My baby daughter never liked him! she was 15 months when he left. before he left she would scream her head off anytime he would want to hold her or play with her (since birth). She has never done this to anyone else! My middle child was very shy and quit before and would never stand up for him self. Now he is bold and happy and is even staring fights with his older brother like a normal 4 year old.
I think the children are the ones who benefit most from the divorce of an abuser.
As for me I am now aloud to hang out with friends that I have been separated from for 7 years and both them and I are VERY exited about that fact. They are all happy he is gone.
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I am so happy for you, Bethany! It sounds like all four of you are blooming! :) So grateful for God’s healing in all our lives!
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I went to see an attorney about 6 months ago. She said that he’s not bad enough that he would lose custody. Courts are really leaning toward 50/50 custody if the parent wants it. It’s just so hard to find the right side of that line. Is it better for them to be with both of us together, and I can act as a buffer if needed? Or is it better to give them a peaceful home with me and then he’ll be with them unattended during his custody time? It’s so difficult. I’m not asking anyone to answer that for me. I’m just voicing my thoughts aloud.
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not answering Just me…just voicing I know that hard path you are walking. No easy answers!! I really struggling with our court system right now.
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Just Me, I have no answers, but I will ask you the same question that was asked of me: “what picture of marriage and family do you want your children to see?” I’m not asking with a specific answer in mind, because there are going to be big downsides not matter what direction you choose. The ideal answer is healthy parents together, but we know that isn’t an option. How much can you protect them if you stay together? Will they view your actions as endorsement of his behavior toward them, or will you be able to take via visible stand against him for their sake? These may be questions to ask a family therapist.
In my case, I chose being apart even knowing that he might be subjected to the same stuff I was, but I want him to know he always had a safe home to come to. However, I was pretty certain I would get full custody and she only visitation, so my situation is a little different.
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I understand Just Me. You are in a tough spot. And it’s good your counselor won’t make a decision for you, as tough as that is. Mine wouldn’t for me. I asked him a lot “how long am I supposed to stay in this marriage?” and he would answer “as long as you can.” I will say that after I made the decision and was driving myself crazy trying to be “open to reconciliation” he did start telling me that I needed to stop second guessing.
Is funny how Christians tend to deride secular counselors for giving easy outs and jumping right to divorce; my therapist certainly did not. When I was fighting for my marriage he fought right along side me, and when I decided to divorce he went through that with me too. It’s only the Christian counselors who will tell you what to do (and not all Christian counselors- the good ones, maybe like who you have, won’t).
In my case getting custody was not difficult. My laywer was pretty certain that she would not be able to get custody if it went to court and her lawyer agreed, so she didn’t fight me on it. In my state it is rare for a father to get full custody, so while I don’t want to go into details, that should give you a vague idea that there were atypical circumstances surrounding my divorce.
Regarding “if it was like the last 6 months”, I totally understand this. There was a point where she started making dramatic outward changes and everyone bought it except me. I was skeptical that the underlying heart hadn’t changed and I wouldn’t take the wall down. As I said before, I felt guilty for this (even those in my family who had been trying to wake me up for years were cautiously optimistic about the change). It’s a tough place to be in when you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, not knowing if it will. Anticipating the future can drive you mad and cause a sense of hopelessness.
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Jeff, I appreciate your response. I have asked myself those questions. I feel like I have a series of lousy choices in front of me, and none of them are the clear “right” answer.
If, for our whole relationship, he was the same as he’s been for the last 6 months, I don’t think I’d have an issue staying with him. It’s just knowing what he’s capable of. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel safe enough to take the wall down for him.
Was it difficult for you to obtain full custody? I have a gut feeling that my husband and his family (some of them are awful) will go to court and lie through their teeth to try to take the kids from me. It’s going to be me vs them. Or they could behave themselves. It’s a gamble. On his own, I don’t think he’d be awful in court. But with them in his ear, he would be.
I’ve been a stay at home mom since our youngest was born. I could go back to work. And I would make enough to support us. But my son gets sick a lot. He’s actually on the couch right now with a fever. He’s had a cough all week and I suspect it’s turning into pneumonia (he’s had it 3 times in the last year plus some other health issues). My job is in healthcare and it isn’t conducive to me taking sick days because my schedule full of patients would have to be cancelled. Any boss is only willing to put up with so much of that. My family support is minimal.
As much as I’d like for it to be cut and dry, it just isn’t. I do have a really great counselor who’s helping me, but at the end of the day, it’s my decision and she’s not going to make it for me.
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Just Me and Still Scared – I will pray for you when I pray for my situation. Just went through another round of Child Protective Services investigation and the conclusion was that no crime had been committed. I was hoping and praying it might be enough to keep my husband away from all our children, who hate him and don’t want to ever see him again. Of course he is screaming Parental Alienation. But God is still God and I believe in miracles that will bring justice on our behalf.
My kids had nightmares too. They had trouble concentrating and were behind on their school work. In the last year since we left they are all doing great, even my youngest who has to go to visitation. I lost friends too. But the ones that truly loved me are still my friends. So no great loss. And I can be a better friend now, too, with so much less stress and pain in my life.
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I applaud all mothers who have had the courage to leave an abusive marriage. You are literally saving the lives of your children.
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My kids begged me to get a divorce from their dad as they could not stand it anymore. Even my stepdaughter, right after we were married 16 years ago, she asked that if her father and I got a divorce if she could please stay with me that she did not want to be with her dad. My kids are so much happier now that he is not around to torment us. My family’s words were “finally!!” My mom, dad, nor my brother could ever get along with my husband. They always had a problem with him. I stayed, thinking it was the right thing to do but finally realized that that decision was not a good one.
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You were very lucky that all your family were unanimous on that, Tersia. Blessings to you.
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“Have you thought about what this will do to your children?” To me, that comment says very much about the person speaking it.
A. She (either gender) thinks you are stupid–“…thank you for pointing that out to me! I hadn’t even thought about them!”
B. She thinks you are selfish and self-centered. “good Lord! I wonder if that’s why I tried to hold this marriage together for so long?”
C. She thinks more highly of her own opinions and the false teaching she’s ingested and considers your decisions less spiritual even though it is doubtful she knows 10% of what is going on behind the public image of your family. As if you haven’t spent countless hours crying out to your Lord for the guidance and confidence of decision this person is now taking upon themselves to undermine. As if you gave this grave decision only as much thought as whether to paint your nails pink or red!
D. Her concern lies more toward the upholding of the (false) image of marriage than rescuing the perishing inside the marriage including the children.
The original question may have been asked in a concerned tone of voice, but the question itself is insulting and the person feeling the need to ask such an insulting question, in my humble opinion, is actually being quite rude even if they were just ignorantLY speaking out of awkwardness.
Those are my 2 cents worth of thoughts.
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Came Alongside, you may have seen this article already, but I’m putting a link here in case it’s useful to you or other readers.
What About The Children? [Internet Archive link]— by Cindy Burrell
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