She nags me! – what the abuser means when he says that
“She nags me” means she presses me to accept my responsibilities.
If you ask an abuser to fulfil his responsibilities, you are not being controlling.
You are not abusing the perpetrator when you ask him to accept his responsibilities. You are being a reasonable adult human being. You are simply calling on him to be a reasonable adult human being in return.
As in all that we write at ACFJ, if you are a male victim of a female perp, you will need to reverse the pronouns to fit your situation.
The chances of getting him to fulfil his responsibilities is almost zero.
With the work of household, parenting responsibilities or any kind of work, when an abuser does 10% of what you do, he thinks you should be grateful to him.
The man who abuses his intimate partner wants to live with all the the same freedoms he would have as a single man, but he wants his partner to be always available.
He wants you to be like a compass needle that always points north to him.
He has a very exaggerated notion, from early in life, about what women are supposed to do for him.
Your needs are never a significant factor. It should be all ease and comfort for him.
He may let some decisions go your way, but as soon as it’s anything that’s important to him, he thinks it has to go 100% his way.
He is irritated and often insulting when you are the centre of attention. He wants to take away whatever in your life you are most enthusiastic and excited about.
He has a zero-sum attitude to love and affection in relationships. In his mind, more for you means less for him.
He is stuck in a mentality of ownership.
If he thinks you are disobeying his rules, he will punish you.
He believes that when he feels angry, he gets to mess up your life.
These are things I copied down from the webinar which Lundy Bancroft gave a while back.
Please note that while we think Lundy has a reasonably good understanding of men who abuse their female intimate partners, we do not recommend you attend his healing retreats or any of the co-counseling groups set up under the umbrella of his ‘Peak Living Network’. For more info, see this post:
ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network