After enough times of being torn apart by your partner’s cruel side, you can come to feel like nothing could ever put you back together again, and like the pain will never go away.
But it will. You aren’t always going to feel this bad. Healing is a long process, especially when you’ve been harmed by someone you love. But the injured places do grow back together.
One thing that emotional wounds and physical wounds have in common is that they take triply long to heal if you keep getting hurt again in the same spot. So you may not be able to heal well from your partner’s mistreatment of you unless you put emotional distance between yourself and him — and perhaps physical distance as well. Your spirit needs a chance to bounce back. It may be time to put yourself in an environment where healing can happen.
It’s true that some women have to get stronger before they can get out of their relationship, but for other women the opposite is true — they have to get out of their relationship before they can get stronger. Consider which one might be true of you.
(Entry from Lundy Bancroft’s Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? [Affiliate link] p213)
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the “healing retreats” Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his “Peak Living Network”. See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.
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A Cry For Justice 
It’s just so hard when the abuse continues through the family court system and the children. It can take a lot longer to heal when that’s the case.
Rebecca, I am currently reading your book ‘untwisting scriptures’. I’m not far, but it’s so well done. Thank you for taking the time to ‘study to show yourself approved’ and ‘making the crooked paths straight’. Now THAT was the earthly ministry of Christ, and what should be extended through His disciples! Thanks so much.
I’m thankful to hear that, BetterEquipped! I’m passionate to get started on the next one, addressing not-equal sins, real repentance, forgiveness, gossip, and so many other things. Hopefully research for it can start early next year, after I finish up a couple of other projects.
This is what I am considering now.
I had to get out of the relationship first before I could get stronger. And I needed (and still need) plenty of help from compassionate friends and domestic abuse professionals.
I have experienced abuse in the past by other family members as well and was amazed at how much easier it was to deal with my emotions when I went no contact for several months. When I did establish contact again I was able to say no to their demands. Normally I would have caved in.
Words of affirmation on this site have really helped me understand I have a right to put a stop to the pain. And when I tell “normal” people (not abused) what’s going on they are on my side; they tell me I’m doing the right thing.
Hi For Such,
I just put the only pending comment from you in the trash folder. But if you want to email me to verify, just email me at twbtc.acfj@gmail.com
I kept trying to get stronger to get away from my abuser, even tried to pretend everything was ‘normal.’ He seemed to sense this and would then ramp up the abuse, determined to lay me low and keep me crushed in spirit. Because he kept me completely isolated, I really did begin to lose all hope, to the degree I no longer cared if I lived or died; after all, life with a abuser is death anyway.
For me to seek to blossom and flourish and display any kind of joy (which I had to muster up in small things, like 10 minutes alone to read a book or take a walk – as I said, he kept me isolated!!) was only ever met with his anger, which would then set him on a course to destroy any positive and healthy atmosphere. Once I was AGAIN laid low, amazingly, he would then ‘blossom’ and show great joy. How sick it all is!!
I DEFINITELY needed to get away from him and go No Contact, if I was going to get stronger; for me, it was the ONLY way. And I recognize it is paramount to give time, time. Today, by God’s grace, I am divorced, not looking back, am on a road to recovery, and much, much wiser! And I realize I am beginning to smile again, deep down from within.
Really so very true. Many parts of me have died, and some facets and areas of my life I didn’t even realize how much had been destroyed, or how much parts of myself were lost. Rebuilding seems so ominous and daunting. So so much work to recover it all, to heal.
Life with an abuser IS a slow death. For me it was the first sign that something was terribly, terribly wrong…something inside me was dying and I knew it.
I have come to realize this is another component in the aftermath of continual and gradual emotional and psychological torment, whereby we are dehumanized in the eyes of our abuser. Because PARTS of the abuse are subtle (plotted and planned evil by the abuser), and because we are in the thick fog-filled room, it is ONLY AFTER we begin to get healthy and the fog lifts that we are able to recognize the degree to which we have been completely broken-down and crushed.
It sure does ‘SEEM’ this way. And yet, because I honestly do see my escape as God rescuing me, I emotionally and physically collapsed and cried out for healing. He showed His might and power in my total devastation and confusion. And on those days on my road to recovery where I could do nothing but weep and SEEM hopeless, He met and embraced and comforted me in the midst of my pain.
NotAlone, HE does bring forth His healing balm. And we do recover all that has been taken from us at the hands of evil, because HE pours out love and truth and light and makes us whole again. And we need not look in the rear view mirror any longer as going forward with Him is the most exciting journey we will ever take. We really are complete in Him!! Rebuilding is actually exciting; brick by brick, He is The Master Architect!
Anonymous, this is a very hopeful comment, thank you. I am very new into my “exodus” and one of the things I’m wondering is if I’ll have this pain forever. I know that I have a long way to go since I’m at the beginning and that in itself adds another dimension to the pain – just wondering how long it will go on. I wish I could just skip forward to that healed and light-hearted part, but I know God is going to do a lot through the healing process. I’m trying to lean into the pain and realize that it won’t be forever, that God is doing something here.
That makes an awful lot of sense.
I was feeling almost too tired to comment but wanted to acknowledge how very true this post is. I’ve fluctuated with strength to leave only to suddenly be pushed back into a fog, unable to see clearly into the future. And for many of us, without a strong support system to grasp our hand and literally pull us out — we remain as is.
Thankful for faithful preaching that reminds me of God’s promises regardless of what is keeping me ‘here.’
Women aren’t the only ones abused by a Narcissist spouse. There are millions of hurting men who are hurt by women who act very pious but are devils in a Christian woman’s clothing. I sometimes feel guilty about my own divorce, after all I am now a bearer of the Big D and am put out of Christian service, but for the sake of healing there is the need to remove yourself from the situation in order to survive the evil of a phony Christian spouse. Should I feel guilty that my marriage failed? I still am unsure? I lost my ministry and most of my Christian friends, was that a worthy sacrifice for healing? Yes I am glad to be a normal person no significant role and peace of mind.
Welcome to the blog. 🙂 I changed your screen name to NN as a precaution to protect your identity. If you want us to change it to something else, email me — barbara@notunderbondage.com
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
Yes, we know that women are not the only victims of spousal abuse. You may like to check out our posts about male survivors. There are several stories there from male survivors.
Regarding the topic of guilt for divorce, you might like to read my book Not Under Bondage [Affiliate link] as it explains the biblical grounds for divorce for abuse. Many survivors of divorce have said that it helped dispel the guilt they felt for divorcing their abuser.
Also we have heaps of posts tagged divorce and others tagged false guilt. Check out our Tags tab in the top menu, if you want to dig into them.
This post encouraged me today. Especially this part:
The healing process can seem so long, but you are right that healing can come! Thank you for posting this!
(Writing through crippling fog and pain…)
Using – mostly – Lundy’s words…mine have gone AWOL…
Quote from Lundy:
I had to be removed by the Holy Spirit from all relationships, personal and professional…they were abusive…and it took time to make that happen.
The Holy Spirit had to place me in the environment where healing can happen…I could not have done it on my own….and it took time to make that happen.
Quote from Lundy:
Getting stronger beforehand would have been preferred, but getting stronger after was the only option…the presumption in Lundy’s paragraph is the reader has recognized, at least to some degree, they are abused. I had no clue.
Partial quote from Lundy:
The Holy Spirit has His work cut out…good thing He knows what I need…I don’t….
Adding on to my own comment….
(Writing through crippling
fog andpain….)(Strikethrough done by me.)
The emotional and verbal abuse damage was the most elusive to pin down.
Constructive criticism. Back-handed compliments. Jokes. Music. Books. Nicknames. Slowness.
Issues left unaddressed for a lifetime because they were labelled with all my abusers words.
Deliberate attempts to deflect their inability to grasp my world.
I believed I was defective. I thought I needed to be fixed.
Sometimes I am SO slow on the uptake.
The unaddressed issues have new, accurate labels. (Omitting details for my protection.)
One thing has not changed:
….I have no words, but I hear you….