How Abusers Camouflage Their Attacks – an analogy that cyclists will identify with
You give your mouth free rein for evil, and your tongue frames deceit. (Psalms 50:19)
A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 26:28)
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)
I have been riding my bicycle for exercise the last two months or so. We have a pretty nice paved road running up the valley along the Nestucca River right by our house so it’s a good place to ride. There are deer and elk…and some cars and trucks.
I have some mirrors on the handlebars so when I hear a car coming from behind I can watch and see if they are going to get over. I wear a bright orange vest and a bright orange helmet wih a flashing red light on the back, but then drunks don’t see much of anything. One thing I have learned is that when I hear a car coming and it goes past me, I have to be very careful not to assume that there isn’t another vehicle coming right behind it. This requires caution because the sound of the first vehicle masks the sound of the second and if bicyclists aren’t watching, they could pull right out in front of the second car after the first one passes.
I was thinking about this today when I was riding and it struck me that this is a perfect illustration of how wicked abusers, with full intent and calculation, mask or camouflage their assault on their victim. Just like that first car, abusers use flattery or “making nice” in some way just before they stab with their sword-tongue. This is a kind of crazy-making tactic of course and it is particularly evil. Similarly the “setup stage” of the abuse wheel cycle is another method of masking a coming attack.
First car comes by, you are cautious, all goes well and it passes you. So if you aren’t thinking you pull out and wham! The second one gets you. Remember this the next time an abuser tries to sucker you in with flattering words, seemingly nice actions and so on. It is a bright red light (when you understand what is going on) warning you that an attack is forthcoming.
Are there, or were there, any “good” times with an abuser? Quite often survivors tell us, once they are well and truly out of the fog, that the answer is NO! Because even the “good times” were nothing more than a setup to run over the victim who is unsuspecting or confused.